Some Days Just Suck....

Some days just start off bad and get progressively worse. Today, Sunday 29 June 2008 was one of those days without exception. After over sleeping and missing talking to her before she went to sleep I decided to go to the supermarket to get a few things, little did I know I should have shook off that idea and just stayed home. I had already had that feeling that it was going to be a bad day, you know the feeling, it seems to creep up the back of your head and you just have that feeling that something is going to go wrong. Well, something going wrong is mild and a bit of an understatement to say the least.

Anyway, I got in my car and headed off to the supermarket thinking I would not be gone very long, an hour at the most. Everything seemed to go fine and it did not take me long to get the things I needed. I loaded them up in the car and headed home, so far so good. One thing, I live in the middle of nowhere, the closest town to me is almost 30 miles in either direction. I opted for the rural life about 20 years ago and for the most part it seemed to suit me well. I mean I had more peace and quiet than I could hope for. No freeway or road traffic, no honking horns, no chasing errant kick balls for the kids in the yard next door, no baseballs shattering windows from the street games, no violence or crime. I thought I was in paradise, but I guess that too has its price. I had my own garden, grew fresh vegetables, beautiful flowerbeds and I had a quiet that I have not remembered since I was a child. I should have known that it would not last forever.

As I started home, everything seemed to be okay, the day was getting on and it was a typical summer day in Texas, the heat was getting up there and soon it would hit triple digits as the sun climbed higher in the sky. Funny, I thought to myself I would hate to be out in it. There was no warning, nothing to indicate that anything was wrong. Clipping along at about 60 mph I glanced down at the dashboard when I noticed the check engine light start to flicker and other warning lights doing the same, check oil, check fuel, check seat belts, every light on the dashboard seemed to start blinking on and off at once and soon the car just died. I could not imagine what wen wrong. Still not really worried about it, I cruised to a stop on the shoulder of the road thinking to myself that once I stop I would be able to restart it and get on my way. I turned the key and nothing, not even the starter turning over. I hot the ignition time and time again, still nothing, not even the indicator lights on the dash coming on doing the normal system checks. I rolled the window down and thought to myself, "Crap, this is all I need." I popped the hood and checked the various things everyone does thinking it would be something simple, a loose battery cable, clogged fuel live and loose vacuum line. Everything seem to be in place. I tapped on various little black boxes that hold relays thinking one was stuck or maybe trying to get one of the sensors or computer chips that monitored and regulated the various components that made this marvel of the 21st century to get from point A to point B in relative comfort reset itself so I could get home and put my groceries away. Sitting back in the driver's seat I tried again, still nothing. Now it was just another hunk of recyclable metal sitting on the side of the road.

I didn't have my cell phone with me, if I did, it would not have done me much good anyway, I did not activate the service when I was given my new phone as I felt I didn't need it. Soon I would be leaving and it did not sound feesable at the time to activate it. Thinking to myself how stupid I was not to do it I set my resolve and thought I better get to walking before it got too hot. A mistake if ever I made one, not knowing that at the time though. What can be so hard about putting one foot in front of the other, I have been doing it all my life and found it just as easy as putting my foot in my mouth as I often do and thinking that this walk home would be easy is testament to the fact I am adept at inserting my foot in my mouth. It started off well enough, a slight breeze from the northwest, sun not too high and it seemed fairly tolerable. First hour passed and I still had a spring to my step and I continued to walk, think about things, I thought this walk would do me some good, will help me clear my head without disturbance and get some things sorted out. Second hour passed. breeze had died and and I could feel the heat from the asphalt through the soles of mt sandals and creep up my legs. My shirt was soaked and the sun started bearing down on me as if I were under a magnifying glass. Sweat poured from my brow and trickled down my face stinging my eyes. I continued to walk although that spring to my step had turned to a lethargic foot drag, but still I kept walking.

When the third hour had passed I knew then I was in trouble and my decision I made to walk a major mistake, regrettable to say the least but unable to change it I pushed myself at this point to keep moving, actually afraid to stop for fear of not getting back up and continuing. My skin on my arms hurt to touch them, my face was burned and my feet ached, my legs throbbed. My fingers were swollen and I could feel dehydration setting in. It got to the point I thought I was going to collapse, but still I pushed myself. Going into the forth hour I could not feel the heat any longer and I was basically numb all over, exhausted and extremely tired I dragged my feet one step after another. I had stopped perspiring and even to me the touch of my skin felt hot. I knew all about heat strokes being from Texas and where triple digit temperatures were the norm for this time of the year. But the stubbornness that seemed so much a part of my character kept pushing me and like an idiot, I kept walking.

I finally passed my mailbox at the gate and started the quarter mile walk to my door. I honestly think if it had not been downhill I would not have made to my house, at that point it was only momentum that kept my feet plodding along. I felt like one of those Cracker Jack toys I used to get with the little walking man attached to a long string with the weight on the end. When you set the weight off the edge of a table the pulling force started the legs to moving and the little guy walked across the table until he was pulled over the edge. I was close to that edge when I finally opened my door. I collapsed in my recliner, too weak to go any further, my chest heaving, my body starting to ache. Little did I know that was the least of my problems. I drug myself into the kitchen to get some cool water. no sooner had I got it down, it came right back up. I got a cool rag and put some ice in it and set back down in my recliner, too exhausted to close my eyes. After an hour or so I tried to take down more water, this time it stayed down. I set back down and decided to see what damage I may have caused to myself for the stupid decision I had made to walk. My lips were cracked and bleeding and as I took off my sandals I noticed the bottom of my feet were covered in blisters. Most had filled with blood by this time. On the back of my left foot above my heal was a blood blister about 3 inches long and an inch and a half wide, there are blisters on the tops of my toes, between my toes and on the tips. My feet were in pain now that I started surveying them. All I could think of was how stupid I was to think I could walk over twenty miles home. Maybe when I was much younger, yes, but now at 53 it was one of the stupidest things I think I could have ever done. I can't even stand on them, walk without grimacing from the extreme pain shooting through them. My legs ached as if something was stretching my muscles to their limit, as if being on the rack and being ripped away from the bone. "Stupid idiot." I thought to myself.

I have made a lot stupid decisions in my life, that I will admit, but this one was the icing on the cake, the cherry on the sundae, the coup de grais of all stupid decisions. Well it is behind me now, but today I am still reminded of my decision as I am sure for many days to come. I am happy now that I am selling this place and getting far away from it. I don't think I could survive something like that again. Soon nothing more than a painful memory and a lesson learned the hard way. I guess I should go and soak myself again in a hot tub and see if the pain in my legs will ease up any. Close my eyes as I relax there and think of that tomorrow soon to come when all of this will be behind me and I am where I am supposed to be.

Later...

And it Makes Me Wonder...

A line from an old song I used to listen to in the early 70's. But no, this post is not about a song from the 70's or that lifestyle or anything kin to it. It just got me to thinking how true friends are. I am not talking about online friends, but those that you make throughout life. Albeit they come and go, but during that time you develop ties to a certain extent and something close to a feeling of loyalty. It is during those times phrases slip from your mouth like, "Let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you. We're friends, don't worry about it. What are friends for if they can't help?" Yes those little phrases that in the end you may regret saying. Seems after saying them it is kind of hard to turn them away when they come to you for help. So to maintain your standing with them and your pride you succumb and tell them, "Anything." I have fallen victim to that on many occasions. I say victim because in the end that is exactly what I felt like. It seems after you have given your help or honored their request, that friendship starts to wane, even after you hear, "I really appreciate this and if there is anything I can ever do for you, please just ask, I'll be mad if you don't." And then you smile thinking that just maybe this time this "friend" actually meant what they said. I have put that offer to the test many times with failing results. Seems when I asked I would get excuses. "I have plans.", the biggest one I have gotten, or rather the one most offered as an excuse. Or, "Man I wished I could, but right now is not a good time."

Most requests made of me or of the monetary type. And when I have helped "friends" out in this way all I ask of them is if ever I need anything, please be there for me. I never worry about it being paid back they way it was given to them, if I did, I don't think I would have given it to them to begin with. They were never loans, because you expect a loan to be paid back. All it was to me was helping someone through a difficult time and hoping that it would not become a habit with them.

I have done no less for family. And this is the part that hurts the most. Whereas you expect a "friend's" behavior to be a certain way, you never expect family to be that way at all. But I have learned the hard way that it is worse. Once you help them it seems afterwards they felt as if you owed it to them and they should not offer anything in return or they turn a deaf ear to you and just shine you on. I have never refused my family anything, brothers, sister or child. I made sure I have always been there for them. I helped my stepson get out of debt on his first marriage, paid for him adopting the girl's children that he married, paid for his relocation and put money in the bank for him so he could breathe a little easier. My daughter I have always taken care of without question and what I do for her I do as any father would do. And I will continue to do it, she is my legacy in life and I would never turn my back on her. My oldest brother from the time I started working in life I have helped uncountable times with the usual promises to paid back on pay day, but it always seemed something came up right before pay day that superseded his obligation to me, but there was always next pay day and he would catch up with me then, in the mean time holding his hand out asking for more. I am not rich, don't get me wrong, but I do not flagrantly throw my money away either. I am frugal with what I have saved. My next older brother acts as if just being my brother is enough reason he should not have to return the help I have given him and that in itself for being my brother some sort of tribute is owed to him. My youngest brother I see differently, we are the closest in age and we grew up together and we always had each others back in life. What I have given to him I gave out of my love for him. But yet even with him when I have asked for help there is always something holding him back. I cannot count the times my phone has rang and it would be one of my siblings needing some sort of help with something and always with that promise to be repaid and being the soft hearted gullible idiot I am, I give in and what is even sadder, I usually take it to them instead of them coming out to get it. I built my home in 2004, a very nice craftsman style home and not one of them has seen it to this day.

I do not put a price on my help even though my help usually involves writing a check. As I said all I have ever asked is that they be there for me when I need help. And it is returned with hollow promises that I have nothing to worry about, just call. Seems their appreciation goes just about as far as the check clearing my bank account.

I am fixing to make a major change in my life and there is a lot I have done in preparing to make that change, but there a lot of things I cannot do by myself and it requires help. I have called around to those "friends" and siblings asking for their help and all I have got is excuses as to why it is such a bad time or call me later when things aren't so hectic. I can understand we all have lives and we have priorities in life that we need to attend to first. I wonder if they thought about that when my phone rang or they sat across from me at my desk and asked me to help them out? If this was a good time to ask me or if it would put me in a bind? No, I don;t think that thought even crossed their mind. Soon I won't be around here, I will be gone and making a new life and a new beginning. I will cut those ties that have held me back for various reasons or another and do what I think is best for me. I think as long as I am around and accessible I will always be that "go to" person when they are needing something. Maybe this will make them think next time they feel their wallet and it needs replenishing. I just want them to remember one thing, I never asked back in return what I gave to them, but I never expected them to turn their backs on me either when I asked for their help.

Later...

Makes You Wonder

Do you ever read the junk mail that comes to your inbox? It is virtual who's who of get rich schemes and gurus. The puzzling thing is though, they want to help others get rich too. The part I don't understand is why they want to charge for it. I mean they go on and on extolling how easy it is and how profitable it is, that it only takes a few minutes a day to use their program and in no time at all, you will be independent and wealthy just like them. Cruising around some tropical island on your yacht while your website is banking your money.

If it is so profitable and guaranteed to work, why do they want to charge you for, after all, they do say they want to "share" it with you and when was the last time someone charged you to share something? But for $19.99 to $69.99 they will be happy to share with you their secrets to fortunes untold so that you too can enjoy the life style of the rich and famous. Yes for a mere investment on your part you could be dancing with the natives in Tahiti before the sun sets.

So if it is so successful why do they want their money up front? Why can't they take it out of the first million you make, after all it is a money back guarantee. And why do they sell it so cheap? I would be happy to share 10% of the first million I made with the person that helped me make it. You think maybe, just maybe it could be nothing more than they have been labeled in the past? A flim-flam game? Snake oil and cards? I mean come on, why on earth would someone want to share such a guaranteed way to millions or why if they were so successful would they come out with a better marketing plan. Proof is in the pudding I have always said. Make me rich first and then charge me. Do not insult my intelligence and try to make me think there is an easy way to financial freedom just by following those basic steps and simple instructions. If that was the case, then no one would be poor and we would all be eating rainbow stew.

Ah yes, so easy if you just send them the pittance they ask for and soon you will have other millionaires that they were responsible for getting them on that paved path of riches mentoring you on your way to fame and fortune. So I am beginning to think they made their fortune on the gullibility of others. And that yacht they speak of is nothing more than an inflatable raft they picked up in a garage sale that they float on some public lake somewhere. And those lovely Tahitian girls? Exotic dancers at a club on some part of town you wouldn't walk a doberman in. And those mentors? Someone he plays cards with at the local welfare office. Yes...rich and famous in his own little world.