Out With the Old, In With the New...

Out with the old and in with the new or a year in retrospect. Dusting cob webs was never a priority with me and as I look back many are strung behind me and entangled in each are the testimonials to many broken dreams, broken resolutions and broken promises. But even looking back through the cob webs I can see the twinkle of a few bright moments and as I brush back the cob webs they come into focus.

They say there is a reason for every thing and every thing has a reason that happens to us in our life. Some good, some bad, some inert and some you will never fully understand why it happened. For the most part as I look back I can accept most that has happened to me in the past twelve months but it is those ones I cannot understand that will probably keep me wondering through out the next year. Be that as it may I know eventually I will either figure it out or forget about it. So let's review.

It was basically a pretty lazy and non productive year personally for me. I did not work much at all, fortunately I am in a position now that work has become and option for me and not a requirement. Maybe it should have been a requirement because I proved one thing, that an idle mind is the devils playground and I am not at all proud of things that I have done. All I can do is hope for those transgressions I am forgiven. To one especially who I hurt and wounded deeply I hope they can find it in their heart to get past what has happened and forgive me. They told me they cannot stay angry, but I feel that forgiveness has not come, but I am patient and I will wait. Maybe this year.

I found out how long nights were this past year, I have watched many roll by. I have come to hate sleeping now. I used to love the sunsets, I loved the colors as it painted the sky in red, vermilion and oranges, now I see it as an omen to a lonely night. I sit up night after night watching time slowly drag by not going to lay down until 3 or 4 in the morning. Exhaustion seems to help to fall asleep, at least it stops the thoughts in my head that would normally keep me awake. I realize they are guilt driven and I also realized it is something I am going to have to learn to live with. Maybe a resolution for the coming year I will be able to keep, you never can tell.

I learned many things about myself. Not because of me seeing myself, but seeing myself through others. I think that is the best way one can really see themselves. I have two people who I can thank for that, I won't mention their names, they know who they are. It was through them I saw many things about myself I was blind to or things I just refused to see. But it was though these two people that I was able to open my eyes and understand some things about me that I had not seen before. Through one I realized that my actions just didn't affect me, that many ripples were created and they touched many. I learned that when you love someone and when you hurt them, you hurt yourself. That there is more than one who loses in love and once lost it is never found again. The other taught me acceptance, how to accept myself for good or bad to accept it and get on with life. She taught me or rather she is teaching me to stop being so hard on myself, to stop feeling the guilt, this I am still trying to learn. She was the one there when I needed someone to talk to. She listened and she offered her words to me. I have no greater respect for anyone. It was through her I learned to "see" and before I say something understand what I am saying that what I say will have consequences. She has given me many gifts of wisdom and I will forever be in her debt.

My smile in Hong Kong, I cannot help but feel good when I talk with this one. Funny and very uplifting, but don't let that fool you. She is very intelligent and has a very deep understanding of life and people. She though is one to have as a friend in life, she truly cares and will stand beside you through it all. She has been a blessing in my life and I cannot say enough about how wonderful she is. Always supportive and worries if she hasn't heard from you in a while and will hunt you down just to make sure you are okay.

Ohio, what can I say. I have never laughed so much in my life. You bring tears to my eyes from laughing so hard and you help me forget many things. You came at the right time, I don't know how I would have ended this year laughing without you. Thank you for being there with your quick wit, quips and smile. You have helped me through some very rough times.

Jeremy Wade First born February 25, 2002










Coby Brennan Second to this trio September 11, 2003











Shelby Owen the third in this little group June 22, 2006








My grandsons, a source of happiness every day of every year and this past one has been no different. The antics they pulling keeps me smiling as do their constant whys, what for's and can I's their little minds can conjure up. From the naps they fail to take, because they have figured out you can only catch one at a time from them devising new ways to get a cookie or finding where I hid the candy. They have become masters of deception these three. Shelby, (aka Dinky) will keep your attention as the other two ransack all the drawers and cabinets to find all the hidden goodies then run off smiling once found to get his cut of the booty. Much they have learned over this past year. I just smile and think, team work in action. As I watch them grow though I can see in them three very loving and caring boys who may squabble every now and then, but will let nothing come between them.

Closing out this year and to make ready for the coming new year it is time I imagine to close a few doors behind me and put away a few things. Some I have found very hard to walk away from. But as I close this door I know that tomorrow will be bright and as I have been told, the sun will still rise. And as I embark on this new year it is with hope that I see tomorrow and for good things to come.

So to all I wish that have come and gone and to those that have come and stayed Happy New Year and may it bring you closer to the
ones you love and to ones that love you.

Later...

P.S. Yes..I know I was supposed to put up some pictures of the little guys..but just got lazy and didn't do it.

Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas! I want to thank everyone for visiting my little corner of the ether this past year and I hope each found something that piqued your interest.

During this festive and reflective time of the year I hope you each find a moment or two to look back and reminisce on something that makes this season special to you. I am happy I was able to share a few of my thoughts with every one who happened to stumble upon my page, but I am pleased that you took a moment to see what was here.

Now, on to my seasons greetings.

It seems that during this time of year we find ourselves hurrying about trying to beat the crowds that always seem to know exactly where we are going to be. Trying to find that certain gift that will make someone's Christmas morning bright. Whether it be for a loved one or friend, we each try our best to make the gift memorable for them. Each year I am asked what I would like for Christmas and each year I answer a smile. I think that is the most memorable gift I could receive from anyone, for in that smile is reflected their joy and surprise that will embed itself in our memory. With each smile being as unique and different as snowflakes and each will have it's own memory.

Kelly, you have made each Christmas special to me throughout your 26 years, from your first Christmas where you thought that the wrapping and bows were more attractive than the present inside. I could not ask for a more wonderful daughter than you, I want to say that I am very proud of you and I couldn't love you more. You have given to me such wonderful joy and have made my life full. You have given me smiles that are attached to memories that I know will always be with me. Know that you will always be my favorite memory. I love you Kelly.

Jeremy, my first born grandson. I can remember your first Christmas vividly as you tore into presents that weren't even yours. Now it is your seventh Christmas and I am looking forward to sharing it with you. The joy that is reflected like a twinkle in your eyes each Christmas morning is brighter than the year before.

Coby, your cherub face always brings a smile to my heart as you quiz me relentlessly with all the whys you have running around in that head of yours. But it seems each Christmas those whys you have turn into oh's and ah's as your eyes as large as silver dollars take in all the sights the season offers. I can't wait to see them this coming Christmas morning.

Shelby, (aka Dinkey), Mr. Smile himself. Your second Christmas little man and I can already see that mischief in your eyes as you sidle over to the tree to see if that was a piece of tape that wasn't adhered very well. Stuffing that mouth with as many cookies and pieces of fudge it can hold and leaving those little chocolate finger prints all over each package. I guess that explains why the dogs like to sit next to you when it is time to open presents, they can lick the wrapping.

Momo, the one I have found that feels the joy of giving is what the spirit of the season truly defines. To take that day set aside for family and to give it to those who cannot be with theirs that day. You are more than a shining example. I want to thank you for just being who you are and to let you know that I am very honored to know you, even if only in this way. You have opened my eyes and taught me to see with my heart. I am forever indebted to you for all you have given to me.

And so to all as the song goes, "Although it's been said many times many ways, Merry Christmas to you..."

Know each and everyone holds a place in my heart and each has given me smiles that I will always remember.

Later...

I Didn't Know Him Well....

No, I didn't know him very well, but that of him which I knew will be with me. Like me, loved a good "debate", if that is what I could call it. And I believe that is what I will miss most above anything else.

I realize that I was not an ardent contributor to Embracing Dreams, but the times I did go there I noticed he seemed to show a keen interest in every member there. His jocular insight in the ability to find the humor when all seemed very dark is testament to him and his way of seeing that it can only get better.

It is moments like this that make us wish we had taken the effort to get to know someone better. We take it for granted that there will always be time, but then we see that time has slipped from us and in a whisper they are gone. As I said in a testimonial to him at Embracing Dreams, "I cannot say if he is in a better place or not, I do not know where our souls go when we are released from these mortal chains that bind us to the present.", but I do know this, he has left an impression on all who had the good fortune to have met him.

In life we are given a specific amount of time on earth before we pass on to someplace that only our convictions in a religious belief or teachings tell us where we will enter next and it is what we do with the specific amount of time we are allotted that we will be remembered. From what I have witnessed and been told he will be remembered with fondness and in his benevolent outreach to those less fortunate. It is not often in life we meet someone that touches us as they touch others and give of themselves unselfishly and without thought of personal gain.

I would like to think I am one of the fortunate ones.

Later...

Forest of Memories...

a forest of memories I walk through...
as I pass through light and shade...
dappled thoughts at my feet...
that echo from years gone by...
smiles and laughter, frowns and tears...
are the leaves upon these trees...
and I the gardener who who planted the seed...
each tree I claim as mine...
the blood and sweat of those who cared...
ferment with all my failures...
while all the good deeds that I once did see...
are lost in the forest's litter...
a meadow breaks where sun peeks through...
it warmed my soul a while...
soon weed and bracken choked the ground...
and the petals of flowers wilted and died...
no song bird sings upon the branch...
no cricket chirps beneath the leaves...
all is quiet as silence is the only sound...
her smile that was my sunshine...
her tear that was my rain...
she made this place fertile one time...
a place peasant to be...
now as I walk in this forest of memories...
her voice no longer is whispered to me...
and I try to turn and go back to that place...
the one we shared each day...
I walk through brier and bramble...
bruised and weary I go on...
only to find she is no longer there...
her waiting is over and done...
she dwells in another forest now...
flowers bloom where she walks...
she smiles and brings the sunshine...
her tears sate another's thirst...
her song is sung in far away winds...
no longer will I hear...
now silence is the only sound...
amidst these trees I now fear...


I spoke to my friend again, she sees through me like glass. I believe she called me Mr. Transparent, I honestly believe she knows where my heart lies. Even though we do not speak of it any more, subtle nuances still enter the conversation, maybe it is a word or a phrase I unconsciously type in, but she will let me know in her way that I have yet to let go. I try and tell her I am putting it behind me, I know she sees through that though and she will quickly change the subject as not to let me dwell on it too long.

She is a very benevolent person, never have I seen her place her problems to me, but rather shows concern for those she cares about over herself. I don't know if it is her way of paying penance for something she feels she needs to, but I do know she has been through and survived many trials in her life and she has yet to lose that positive outlook that seems to radiate from her like warmth from the sun.

The poem I have written I know she and the person I wrote it about will understand its meaning. I guess she is right, I just can seem to let this one go.

Later...

Trust...

Merriam-Webster defines trust as "a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed".

How can someone elaborate on it anymore than the definition states? To be able to hold in confidence with someone their ability to hold to the character displayed and believe in their trustworthiness. That no matter what is said between the two, whatever they transact as being solely between themselves would never be breached and that foundation on which formed that belief in each other would remain steadfast and could not be corrupted by any means outside of the two.

Trust, the foundation all relationships are built on, whether it be a friendship, business partnership or romantic relationship, it is all based on trust in the other. Believing that they will always be the one confidant, the one fence post that anchors the relationship. It is what all else is built on, even before you can love someone, you have to trust them. Before you can develop a bond of friendship, you have to trust them, before you share finances with them, again, you have to trust them. Everything we do through out or life, trust plays a hand in everything, from buying a car to giving your heart.

I like to think I can trust every one until they give me reason not to any longer. I do not go into anything with not trusting, I may be wary at first, but that does not mean I do not trust them. Like anything, you test the waters at first, you start with little things that would not harm you to see how they handle it, to see if there reason to take that trust further. Little by little that trust is built and a union is formed based on that.

It is when that trust is breached that the foundation starts to crumble. At first insignificant little cracks appear, but nothing that you feel that cannot be patched and go on with the relationship. But soon even those patches weaken and the cracks deepen and soon you feel that the trust has been compromised and the foundation starts to crumble bringing in on you everything that had been built. You are blind to all of the things you found positive in this and can only see the faults now. Of everything that went wrong, of each untruth of each violation of your trust. We no longer see that person as we once saw them, we can only see them for their wrongs now. Some say they can forgive and get on with life, but from personal experience I have found that is not true. I broke that trust in another and they have yet to forgive me and I do not see then doing so.

Can trust be regained? I think it can in some instances, where pride does not stand in the way or where you feel enough for this person still to want to rebuild that which you once had. It is a long tedious process, much longer than it took when that trust was first given, because everything before is now in doubt. They do not see you as the same person as they first did. It is much more fragile now though, not as strong as it first was and never will be again. And once that trust has been rebuilt it has to be maintained. You cannot get complacent nor take it for granted or think you can ever get away with violating that trust again. Then it will never be rebuilt.

Think of what you have to lose, it could be the most precious thing you have, because once lost, it is never found again.

Later...

Sweet Dreams...

Something I wrote many, many years ago for my daughter. I would say it each night before kissing her on the forehead and tucking the covers in tight around her. Was strange that I had come across it and it brought back memories. It used to be such a ritual getting her to bed every night, it would always start with:

I love you little...
I love you big...
I love you like a little pig...

Then we would start a little banter:

Love you Kelly...
I love you more dad...
No I do...
I love you more than anything in the world dad...
I love you so much that they don't make a word for it... even more than that.

Now she is grown, 26 years old, married and has given me three beautiful grandsons. It is so hard to believe that when I look at her now that she is that little curly red headed baby that I used to rock to sleep, sing to and run through the house with. All the "airplanes" and "horsey" rides as I listened to Linda, "Ron, please be careful, she is not a toy". But she was wrong, she was daddy's toy. The one I would think about all day while I worked and couldn't wait to get home to. I can still see her little face looking out the living room window waiting for me to come home. Patiently with a smile I could see her, at least from my angle of view she seemed patient. Linda would tell me that she would be dancing at the window letting her know I was home.

All the boo boo's...skinned knees, elbows, bumps and bruises...pain kissed away, tears dried and on to things to take her mind off it.

Time passed and I watched my little girl grow and soon our good nights were fewer and fewer, she felt she was too old at the age of 9 to go through our little ritual. I did not want to lose that and I thought of ways we could elevate our good night ritual to a more mature level. So I sat one evening after she had went to bed, I had been reading Lord of the Rings to her and she said she wished she could have lived some place like that, so it came to me...

now to sleep...
perhaps to dream...
to dream the dreams only a dream weaver can dream...
to catch sight of mystic light...
beyond the universe's realm...
where dragons fly and wizards vie for a place in a requiem...
where no man walks and no voice is heard and time stands vigil over all...
in this place so far away only dreams come to call...
....sweet dreams ....

I wonder if before she closes her eyes now at night if she thinks of those nights I would read to her and we would exchange our good nights...

Good night my little Princess...I miss you...

Later...
Dad

Challenged...

Now I feel I have been challenged, but in an appreciative and constructive sort of way. To break away from the "rhyme" and express what it is I feel. A very good and respected source of mine and someone I have to admit I admire very much for the person they are has "opened" my eyes in another way of expressing how it is or what it is I am feeling. Never in my life have I tried something outside of my "norm" as habit dictates to most that we follow the guidelines that we are taught. But something they said, not in their comment to me, but in their blogs I have read before on more than one occasion has compelled me to at least try. I do not want to "stagnate" and become just another person with a blog.

The idea of writing poetry that does not rhyme to me is something that is new and in some way I feel a bit ambivalent to try. Yet in some way I feel I should meet the challenge, not to prove anything to anyone other than myself and honestly I believe everyone truly likes a challenge. Where would we be today if it weren't for the fact that people before did not stand up to the challenge to change things and make things a little better for us, themselves and their loved ones. That word I have read so often in their blog comes to mind, we would "stagnate" and like algae soon die off. Fortunately we are a more complex species that inhabit this world, one gifted with the ability to think, to reason and to grow.

So Momo, for good or bad, for better or worse, this is for you...thank you so very much.

It comes to me in quiet moments...
Like whispers on the wind...
Then like a pebble tossed in a pond...
It sends ripples across the surface of thought...
Once thought to be elusive...
Now is within my sight...
I reach and grasp each word...
To set to paper with pen...
They seem to come in torrents...
From where they are born within...

A first attempt is all I can say....

Later....

I Had a Dream...

I had a dream, a wonderful dream...
Of a time so long ago...
No troubles I had it seems...
Nothing to prove or show...

And in this dream that I did dream...
The sun shown bright and warm...
The nights were bathed in soft moon beams...
A time I could find no harm...

Gentle breezes brushed my face...
Cool grass beneath my feet...
Life passed at a gentle pace...
Each day new to greet...

Seasons changed before my eyes...
Colors of autumn displayed...
Leaves being taken to the skies...
Like a visual symphony being played...

Frost on the window of early light...
Snow in drifts so deep...
Patterns of ice to dazzle the sight...
For future dreams I keep...

Green shoots break the melting snow...
Buds on limbs bare leaf of green...
I came full circle in nature's show...
And became a part of it it seems...

I had dream, a dream so serene...
No pain or sorrow I knew...
I stood alone and I did not lean...
My first dream without you...


So many people have I talked with that have read my page, some laugh and tell me I am trying to live out some fantasy, others try and tell me I am holding on to my past. We all deal with life in our own way, I do not criticize or make judgments on how you decide you will deal with yours. My past is nothing more than who I am today. So say what you will it does not matter to me, for in the big picture what you say will have no impact on my life. If I wish to express it for others to see, then that is how I will deal with it. It is a pity that those who criticize in such a negative way cannot express themselves or are too ashamed of their past to let others see.

It is who I am, my past is what has made me, just as yours has made you who you are today.

Random Thoughts...

I have been trying to write a poem, but it seems I am stuck on a stanza and the words just won't come to me. Strange that this happens, usually I have no problem in expressing myself, but for some reason I find myself at an impasse. Maybe it is the subject matter or it could be that the subject I chose to write about is still too close to me to express. Whatever that case may be, I guess I will just set it to the side for a while and come back to it at a later time, maybe then the words will be there.

I have noticed the change in the season this year has led me into deeper thoughts about my life. Could just be my age and the past dwells a little more on me now during this time in my life than when I was younger. Strange how when we were young, we looked at tomorrow, where we were going or wanted to go, but as time goes and we see more of our lives behind us instead of in front of us, I see myself looking to where I have been. One common thread I think there is, is that we still dream, but the dreams have changed. I see things a lot different than I have when I was younger, then I could not see the things I see now in the simplest changes that happen in my life. That even the smallest pebble thrown into a still pond causes ripples. Maybe I am starting to come to grips with my own mortality. Things that used to bother me, even scare me no longer affect me the way they do. One being death, when young to me death was an end to all things and the thought of being laid into the ground and covered with earth was morbid to me. Now I see it as inevitable, something we all must face and to be honest, more as a restful reward. It is not that I am looking forward to it, just not afraid to face it any longer.

Another I have come to terms with is limitations. When I was younger, I used to think there were no limitations, no boundaries in life, but have I come to realize there are limits and boundaries set. That they are there for a reason and I have learned to respect that. Maybe for our own protection or that of others. I guess there is a reason for fences after all. I know when I was younger I saw things of this nature as a challenge to me and I even tried to recapture that on here at one time. But as that pebble was thrown into the pond, I kept to see the wide range of the ripples on the water and their effect, not just on me but on others, many others even though it was directed at only one. The positive and negative effects.

One positive outcome in this is that I am able to express myself. That my thoughts have not stagnated and I have found an outlet or release to that cluttered mess in my mind. Being able to construct a few words into a cohesive thought, a chance to reflect and through that get a bit of insight on myself.

Even a blind pig finds an acorn in the woods sometimes....

Later...

P.S. Jazz..I promise I will finish that poem....

The Flea Circus...

I went to the flea circus last night to watch them perform. Strange that I did, they have not changed their act since they opened their performance. For the most part all the players were there as well as the spectators I am used to seeing. King Flea and his minions were in form, his jester, worm tongue and his lackey present performing their usual tricks and keeping the audience amused with their predictable stunts. It amazes me that they do it without a safety net. I imagine that with the amount of repetition over the years they have been performing this same old act one is not required.

I always enjoy watching his lackey I guess the best. Following his every word, licking at his feet, curling up around him as he praises the performance. I especially like to watch it jump and yip at his feet as he instructs his court and guides them through their performance. I have noticed though that he has yet to teach it any new tricks, I guess jumping through hoops is about as far as he could get with it and with some you have to keep the bar low anyway. So he still keeps these at a pretty attainable level. I guess he just likes his little lackey to be there so he feels wanted.

His jester, well, this one is a story in itself. It is gender confused. It really doesn't know what it is as it kisses everything that walks across its path. A sad little jester who's repetitive antics only add the its pathetic nature. Their predictive quips remind me of those little billows of dust on the slats of mini blinds. Someone sees it, knows it is there, but ignores as no one really pays attention to it anyway. Maybe one day the wind will blow through and bring in a fresh thought, but they will need to open the window first. I honestly think that this one will be the first King Flea turns his attention to, this one is not as loyal as the others and is quick to lick the wounds of a host they had been inhabiting once King Flea is out of their presence. Soon this pathetic little jester will incur the wrath and spiteful nature in full force once they are replaced. But it is fun to watch him grovel at his King's feet hoping to keep his favor, I just hope his lackey doesn't feel left out as this encroaches on their territory.

As I scanned the stage I saw his worm tongue. Gently slathering his ear with its vicious lies. Stroking his ego and keeping his thoughts trained on others so as to stay out of his sights. I guess that is why his normal position is behind him and maybe for him it is easier to kiss his King's posterior that way. But I guess they too serve their purpose in the court of idiots that gather around him.

I failed to notice his Queen tonight, she was absent from the stage of fools. Guess she was out seeking another's attention.

The finale is always fun too watch, it too is predictable. I like the watch the host shake the fleas off as it leaves.

Later...

Wo Xiang Ni...

I walk alone in yesterday and think of the paths I have taken. Where they led me to as each day passed into the next. Of ones that have shared these paths and ones that have left an impression on me. In quiet contemplation as I silently shuffle through memories like leaves at my feet, she still comes to me. It seems I live in an apparition, an ethereal world where she comes like a vaporous mist. And as the poems I have written, her name comes in the wind to me and still it settles gently on my ear.

Am I that obvious? It seems no matter who I talk to they can see, sense it. It seems as though no matter how I try and mask it, it is seen. This hollow smile that I wear, this empty laugh I laugh only reminds me and is no defense against the memories that seem to cloud the present and brings into sharp focus the past. I speak of no tomorrows now, for it is in these memories my tomorrows are at.

No longer can I look at a rose in bloom or watch the sun break the horizon as it heralds a new day, once again the memories come rushing in and I am reminded of yesterday. Memories like leaves that are scattered before the wind, blown in every direction as I hurry to gather them up so I at least have these.

This loneliness that befriends me now offers no comfort when these memories come creeping in. No warmth can it give or solace for the pain I feel. This memory I cannot escape, it is in everything. A song that was shared only tortures me and reminds me that I am alone in these moments of quiet despair. An unshared cup of tea, an unshared thought speak to me through memories as I caress a face that is not there.

As you can see my heart is worn on my sleeve, but today the memories came flooding back, the rising sun played upon a rose today...

Wo Xiang Ni...

China1

I had something totally different to write, a sequel to an earlier post but something set me off and I can no longer sit idly by and keep my mouth shut. It amazes me at the insensitivity people show and what is even more pathetic is that the ones who chastise others for their insensitivity are the perpetrators of some of the most cruel and insensitive verbal haranguing of any I have seen. One who lives his life through another's misery and misfortune and another who is afraid if she looks in the mirror she will see who she truly is.

He befriends and gains knowledge of the other through his deceitful words, playing on what another has done to them. He will go attack the one who he feels has wronged the other, but what he also has gained of the one he befriended is tucked away to be used against them when he feels they are no longer of any use to him or that they do not see his point of view. He has no life and therefore has to live his life through others. He is a man with no reflection, he is as hollow as an empty vessel and with even less substance. As useless as exhaled air he has no use. He proclaims to be better than others as he belittles them and makes them feel as if they are worthless, but the only worthless one is himself. He has no feelings for others and no remorse for what he has done to others. As if his shit doesn't stink. He needs to learn his place in life, because it is not where he has placed himself now. He is a sad self centered person who has little to offer anyone much less to himself. I do not feel sorry for him in the least, I do not pity him, for if he truly was the person he says he is, he would realize what he has done. I see in him a person who hates himself and where he is in life. Rejected to the point he is bitter and spiteful, the bile that ushers from my bowels is sweeter. I have never really disliked a person, I may have gotten angry with them, but I have always been able to see some redeeming quality in everyone I have met, but he falls far short of having any qualities at all. Dung beetles have there use in life, rolling into balls the fecal leaving of animals, even the ball of dung has a purpose, unlike himself who serves no purpose at all. He is doing nothing more than taking up space that would be better used by someone else, breathing air that someone else could be more productive with. What is even sadder is that he believe what he spouts and expects others to do the same. He is beyond pathetic, to be pathetic would be a step up for him. So watch for him, avoid him like you would a rabid dog, because he does bite. Say nothing to him that you do not want used against you, because trust me on this, he will.

The other I know on a more intimate level. She is a married woman I met in the chats and we started talking. She is just another flavor of the previous one I mentioned, only difference between the two is that she wears a bra. She is as spiteful and bitter as he is. She is judgmental and deceiving. She has deceived herself and her family and still seeks happiness in the chats. She deceives her husband and leads him to believe she is faithful all the while seeking another's attention in chatrooms and like the other I have mentioned is quick to chastise people for the exact same thing she is guilty of herself. I honestly believe she is afraid to look in a mirror in fear of seeing who she really is, that same person as the one she demoralizes and berates. I have learned in life, it is the sad and lonely that portray these attributes. She is afraid of being alone, without anyone, she has little self confidence and is afraid of being who she is. She too lives her life through other people. Her bitterness is evidence of that and that she is a very unhappy person. Her list is long as this I know personally and at one time I cared for this person, until rejection showed the real person she was. She cannot even face up to the fact she had feelings and denies it every chance she gets, but my phone is full of her messages as is my archives in my chat client. She is like a viper and quick to strike, she is as venomous as any poisonous snake I have encountered. Another who has placed themselves where they are in life and I feel no pity or sorrow for her either.

I am not saying I am not guilty of doing someone wrong. I am, very much so, but the difference here is that I saw it, I owned up to it, did not deny it and took responsibility for my actions, even these two can't say I didn't. I am not perfect and I will never claim to be, but I know when enough is enough and that this is not as anonymous as people think it is. It is not some kind of shield, quite the opposite, it breaks down walls people have built and that is where these two wait at. Be warned, be aware and be wise, if you see them and you have rad this, think before you say anything to them.

Bond, Ayfen, karma is coming home to rest and what goes around is coming back around and around and around. This is not the finish to anything, but rather the beginning and every chance I get to come at you, I am going to take and I will take the same attitude as you do, I will feel no remorse, no guilt, not when it comes to you. Bond, you have met more than your match, if I were you I would just resign myself to the kitchen and keep washing dishes, keep your nose out of where it does not belong and go find a life and stay out of others. Really quite simple when you set your mind to it. Ayfen, before you open your mouth, learn to think and think about what you have done for you are not that innocent person you have led everyone to believe you are. You have caused you share of pain to others and you really should show everyone the real you, not the one you show them. Maybe if you did, you would find happiness with your husband and you family instead of feeling as if you do not get the attention you feel you need, because even seeking attention is as bad as being whore as you are so fond of calling others. There are such things as attention whores you know.

Later...

Welcome to the Internet...

Silently the night surrounds me and shrouds me in the anonymity of it's darkness. Eyes peer into a world of misshapen images truncating the mind and clouding reality. The translucent glow filling the room adds to the mysticism of the ether world as words surface that have been buried in depths of controlled angst. Emotions escape that have been locked away from the cruelties of those that feed on another's anguish. Passively giving in to the guile of another as I sink into a world devoid of realism. Letting it engulf me as I immerse myself into a realm without boundaries. Where the only limitation is set by your imagination.

Lost in the shade of lost hopes and broken dreams where reality seems a memory. Where insanity seems like a tranquil rest and a pillow of thorns masks the pain within me. The fallible become infallible and I am are masked behind deception. Courting my own self needs to fill this emptiness that I live in, this vacuous vessel that is called my soul. Ingratiating myself on those who trust me, only to inflict upon them this pain that gnaws at me.

Where truth is lost in lies and the only thing I let them see is the mirror I am looking in. The reflection of the demons that rent at me. Fear me, because I am afraid of myself. I live in this nightmare and stalk it's shadows concealing myself in it's quiet darkness. Immune to tears I smile and with soothing words I bring them to me. They forfeit to me their thoughts and their hearts as I slowly work into their lives. Showing them the me they want to see. Am I the demon or am I the mirror that they see? Am I that reflection of who they want to see? The one who fills their expectations? Or that deceptive one who feeds upon their loneliness?

Do I let them peer into the hollow of my eyes to see what lies beneath the surface? To see the emptiness I feel, that I live in? The bile that bubbles within seething it's nauseous fumes permeating the air as perfume to them. Submitting to me as my words blind them to what they see.

In this world of transparent differences they come unsuspecting retreating from the world about them to seek solace in another that they can open up to. In their weakness is my strength and like prey in an eye of a predator I bide my time working on their weaknesses until I see my time to bring them down. Their innocence abandoned and their virtue handed to me willingly.

The invisibility, the anonymity camouflages me, hidden in a sea of bits and bytes I lie in wait as they unsuspectingly enter into this world they are seeking refuge in. I need not seek them out, they come to me and they come willingly without thought of who I am. Not in the least suspicious of my motives or intent. Like so much luggage they carry with them their hurt, pain and sorrow and like a salve, with words I begin to soothe their wounds. Telling them what they want to hear as they slowly tear down the walls they have built to shield them from people just like me in the real world. With their defenses weakening I bring them closer until in me they see what they think they are seeking.

Welcome to the internet....

Later...

Silence...

Somethings end in heated arguments with words being thrashed about in spiteful hurting accusations. Things said that finalize something in your life to bring and end and justify the means. Those are things you can deal with, rationalize with and understand eventually no matter which side of the fence it was thrown from. So when they end, there is a finality to it. This most can deal with in life as it gives them something to chew on so to say. That maybe the reasons given at the time were in fact justified by actions or the lack of them.

It is when nothing is said at all that I cannot deal with. As if ignoring them it will go away and be forgotten. As if it does not or never did exist. Okay, maybe to that is their way of dealing with things and they feel maybe they are just in doing so. Personally I think it is cruel, I am not saying I am faultless in this respect, I know I have done the same and maybe it is just coming back to haunt me. But in the same respect I did eventually give closure to a bad situation or to something that needed closure.

Silence is the cruelest thing of all, especially when the one who is perpetrating it knows it is and knows how it makes the other feel. It is as if they do it because they know exactly what it is doing to the other. Well, I have endured it before and I will this time.

Later...

Ever Have One of Those Days?

Ever wake up and the atmosphere of the day took you back to another time and place in your life? You know, when the weather and general ambiance triggers something in your mind and slowly like a receding fog anther time comes to you. This was one of those days. It was overcast and a cool north breeze was pushing the humidity and heat of the summer to the south. There was the imminent hint of rain, not a thunderstorm, but one of those soft steady rains that cleans the dust from the air. Today took me back to a very simple time in my life. Back to when October with it's cool weather and changing of color heralded something dramatic.

I can remember it so clearly as if I had just woke from that day. I was so excited and I thought that it was never going to get dark. Even though the days were shorter and by 7pm it was dark, but I thought that the sun would never set. It was one of the few times in my life were I would skip supper so as not to spoil my appetite for the evenings door to door feast I was about to embark on.

With each drop of an acorn on the roof today, with each leaf floating slowly down to the ground my memory receded back to that day in west Texas just outside of Abilene. I was in the 3rd grade at the time and it was Friday, so I know that I would be out well after my normal bedtime that evening which added to the excitement and the expectations of a bigger take of the treats that were waiting behind each door I knocked on. No I thought, the earth is going to stop spinning and the sun won't set and I will stuck between afternoon and evening for the rest of my life holding this empty brown paper shopping bag.

I can see myself sitting on the front porch, my father pulling up into the driveway looking at me as he always did. Walking up the steps he looked down and smiled, without saying a word he walked on into the house and let my mom know he was home. I could smell the frying chicken, the yellow squash boiling on the stove and the cornbread in the oven. But I know I would not be sitting at the dinner table that evening. Maybe that was why my dad was smiling, he knew he would have a larger portion of the fried chicken that night.

Slowly I watched the sun descend behind the trees that lined the barbed wire fence across the road. My heels kicking against the concrete of the porch, looking for the first signs that it was time to set out on my quest for the evening. I watched the sky grow dark in the east and the first stars twinkling in the darkening sky. It was almost time. From the north I could see a band of clouds slowly start rolling in, the wind had a chill to it and I hoped it would not rain. The smell before the rain was there and it had me worried that it would cut my evening short. This one time in my life that gave me a little more freedom than other days. Where being a kid was the most important thing and this was a kid's night. As soon as the shadows from the trees stretched across the road and encroached on our yard my feet hit the dirt and I was off. Yelling my goodbye to my mom and dad as I passed the dining room windows, my bag flapping behind me. I knew before too long I would be using both hands to carry it.

Throughout the night I went from door to door, down every street, across fields and gardens searching out every house I could find. Tip toeing through the old grave yard, behind the old Catholic church I made my way methodically across town. At each door I knocked I can hear the plunk of the treats entering my bag as it slowly was filled. It was hard to fight the temptation to reach in and start gorging myself on my booty I had been gathering, but I managed.

Around midnight I made it home. My bag laden, me tired but excited to empty the contents of my bag on the living room floor and see what I had. My dad sat up waiting on me as I walked through the door. He looked over at me shaking his head and asked if I had managed to knock on every door in town. There was not a door I did not miss I told him. I had even went down streets that had on a few homes setting on large lots, homes most kids avoided because they thought they would not get anything. No stone left unturned I told him smiling. As I dumped the contents on the floor I was not disappointed in the least and I could tell by the look on my dad's face he would have a long reprieve of me asking him for change to buy candy. It was a treasure in chocolate, bubble gum, suckers, caramels and other candies. I felt rich.

I went to bed that night clutching the bag tight against me. Yes today was one of those days. Everything was just right for bringing yesterday back...

Later...

Passing Thoughts...

Well another day has come and gone and still life goes on. I guess there are reasons for everything and as each has entered our life and left they have left impressions like foot prints in wet sand, soon as the tides washes in they will be erased to be replaced by another's. As wonderful as seasons change they bought color and a new wind in my life, but as the seasons change and the resplendent colors of autumn tint the leaves, so have they colored my life and I will be forever greatful for what they have given me.

One I will miss deeply as they left their impression upon my heart and that I feel will not be replaced. Pictures and memories are all that are left and I trace back to each one each day remebering how as a flower unfolded she opened her heart to me. I know now that her life goes on and she will not look back, the blooms have wilted and faded and she now looks to a new tomorrow as she oft said, tomorrow the sun will still rise...for me I see the sun setting.

Joss...

Joss, good luck, bad luck, life, death, good health, bad health it is all joss, good or bad. To either be lucky in life or unlucky depends on your joss. Or how joss stands with you. It is tied to fate and joss can determine your destiny. Whether you create your own joss or fate decides it for you.

It was joss not coincidence that happened for us to come together, I am hoping that it is fate that has set this trial before us. I miss you and I want you to now that you are not forgotten. You said that with each passing day it would get better and I would miss you less. That has not been the case. I have found that with each day I miss you more and more and my love has not lessened but grown. I see you in everything I do and I can hear your voice in the evenings breeze. This I am feeling is unbearable and I wish it would end.

As I said, it is joss that works this and I hope it changes soon. My life is in twisted agony and my soul swims in a sea of desperation without you. Know that you are always in my thoughts and in my heart.

Later...

Lost in a Moment of Loneliness...

One of the most basic feelings is that of loneliness, at that point in our lives when there is not escape from it. You have done all you can do to ward it off, fight it from taking over your thoughts and twisting your soul until it screams for the want of another to fill it. Such as it was that first time I met her. There is only so much you can discuss with a three almost four year old boy until your mind screams to be released from the adventures of Sponge Bob Square Pants, Clifford the Big Red Dog and Bob the Builder. As you can see discussion are limited and the mentality level starts to sink to the point to where you find yourself wondering what you can create with a box full of Legos.

Exhausted after a long day of work and an evening of trivial conversation concerning those above mentioned cartoon characters, quietness finally set in and my mind mulled to a consistency of warm pudding, it hit me like a ton of bricks. If I did not find someone to talk to, someone I could relate to on a level higher than that of a toddler I felt that I would not be long for the sane world. I felt my level of comprehension concerning anything to do with current events, politics, global warming, religion, relationships or anything two rational adults would talk about would be met, digested and responded to with the mentality of a four year old. It was at that point I decided I needed someone to talk to so I entered a chat room on the internet.

As I sat there reading the screen and listening to what people had to say. I got to thinking that maybe conversing with a four year old wasn’t all that bad. I thought I was amongst adults, some what educated individuals capable of a cohesive thought. But it seemed I had landed in a room full of lemmings and vultures. They were either following someone over the edge of a cliff or they were scavenging upon the emotions of another. Either quick to exploit or to follow, I was amazed and baffled at what was being played out before me. It did not take long to see that most in the room were not capable of an original thought and if they had one I wondered if they would have known what to do with it.

Remember, I said most, not all had the mentality of a cantaloupe. I have been very fortunate in my patience and persistence to have met a few that I have come to respect their opinions and their insight. There is one that through a commonness and mutual interests that we shared came to mean more to me than I could have ever imagined. One I found that in my search to fill the loneliness that was eating at me had become more than just someone to talk to, more than someone to share a few hours together and I found myself slowly getting lost in them. It was at a moment in my life when I felt I was destined to live a life of loneliness that we met.

At first the conversation was nothing more than the polite exchange of who we were our names, ages, location and marital status. I wasn’t seeking a relationship with anyone, all I wanted was someone I could talk to and carry on a discussion with and use words bigger than two syllables at a time. Someone who shared some of the same interests I did and who didn’t use net slang or abbreviate every other word, someone who could actually think for themselves and had independent thoughts of their own. Someone who could challenge me, make me think and use my brain as it was intended to be used. It was hard in the beginning, we were half a world apart, different cultures and a completely different social structure, but with a dogged determination I wracked my brain to try and develop something between us.

I had mentioned at one point during a lull in the conversation that they were not a very open person, that they were a tough nut to crack. I was informed that that wasn’t the case at all; I just had to ask the right questions. It was at this time I felt as if that tough nut was starting to crack and I patiently persisted in my endeavors to get to know this person better. As time went on and we delved deeper into each other’s lives, I found that we shared the same views on many things and a lot of many different levels, especially with that concerning family. Slowly as this person emerged from that shell they were encased in, I found in them not the simple person they had first professed to be, but a very complex individual, one who more than just challenged me, but was an enigma, a puzzle that I found I was beginning to think about more than I should have been, as I said, I wasn’t looking for a relationship and I really didn’t think it would last long at all. After all, this was only the net and I felt sooner or later they would meet someone else on here and move on. In the back of my mind I had already set myself for this to happen and was prepared for it. It was what happened that I wasn’t prepared for at all.

As days turned into week and weeks into months I had found myself lost in someone I really didn’t want to return from. I was on a path now where I was being pulled deeper and deeper into someone who mesmerized me, held my attention as no one ever has. They were unique and unlike anyone who had ever entered my life before. They were witty, educated and mannered. I am not saying that no one in my life did not have those traits, what I mean it was the way they expressed them that I had not seen before. Like a gem they had many facets and each one sparkled as it was revealed to me.

Eventually a relationship as beautiful as rose started to bloom, but just as beautiful as it was, there were thorns and I soon found out the pain something with such beauty can bring.

I remembered when I confessed my feelings to them, how I was starting to feel, how they made me feel and what I felt developing, I was asked if I was sure about what I was feeling and through a couple of week long separations I had found myself lost and feeling those pangs of loneliness in my need to be with them and I knew then what this was I was feeling and I again assured them that I was sure of this which I felt for them was true. I asked if they felt the same, if these feelings I harbored were felt by them. I don’t know was my answer, but I know I like you and like talking to you and I find myself looking forward to seeing you, it is becoming a tradition for me. It was Christmas Day when I was told that they too felt as I did.

It seems that is the pinnacle of all relationships, the summit, the apex and the acme of all you strive for when you feel and see in a person that forever you have never seen before in another. I have heard all my life that there is only one that will come into your life that you know in your heart is that one, that you will never see another as you do in this one and that if ever lost you will never find it in another. This is what I had found in this person, a tomorrow of forevers. And it is here I have been pricked by the thorn on that rose.

I do not know if it was out of complacency or the eventual lull we all experience in a relationship that I confused with losing this person, feeling them slipping from me and in some kind of desperation I started to lie to them, to hold her attention. I did this without realizing about the consequences once those lies caught up with me. To be something or someone I wasn’t in order to hold this person and pull them to me. We made plans for our future, our tomorrows and as these plans developed in our hearts I started stacking lies on lies assuring them that all of this would come to pass and our forever would be soon. I knew they were smarter than the lies I told but their trust in me had temporarily blinded them. Even burdened with the guilt I felt, I still kept to my lies knowing all along that what I was doing was destroying not only myself, but this one chance in my life to have someone in it who loved me. I told them I felt as if they were pulling away from me when all the time it was my lies pushing them from me.

When all the lies were exposed, when all was laid on the table and sorted I did not offer any explanation to my lying, I accepted responsibility for what I had done. Where most would have turned and walked away in shame, it was that same shame I felt that made me want to seek their forgiveness. When anyone else would have walked away from the one who had lied, they are still there, untrusting, but hoping that in all of this there is still something there. Who is the bigger person in all of this, the confessor of the lie or the one who still sees some hope? I think we both know who it is and in all of this they still hope there is something in it.

It is almost midnight and the library will close soon, so Better get this posted and get home...or as much as a home as I have now

The Past...

It seems no matter what we do to try and put our past behind us, it seems to always be there. Strange that something that was seems to be there all the time. If there is something there not to remind you, there is someone around who will. Some people cannot let go of the past and enjoy reliving it or living in it. No matter how hard we try and put it behind us, it always seems to be there right in front of us. Strange it seems to me. Not to say memories do not have their place in our life or that lessons are not learned, but it would seem to me that certain things are best left there and not constantly being disturbed to trouble us and taunt us. Maybe it does so to remind us about our mistakes or that we have yet to learn the lesson it is trying to teach us.

Some cannot help but to keep bringing your past up for you, not necessarily the ones you have had a history with, but rather those you have confided in. As if they enjoy watching another relive the pain that seems to weigh on them. I cannot understand or fathom their reasoning behind this, but to me it is almost sadistic to want to see another suffer. I think the only ones who have that right to do so are the ones who have a past to share, not those who want to share in your past.

What was, was, what is is now, what will be is yet to be seen. Why can't things be left in that order? To live for the present, plan for tomorrow and leave the past behind. But it seems that some just cannot let go or will not let you let it go.

The most tender moments and the most painful see to be in our past. I am not saying the past is not important, it is part of our self evolution that makes us who we are, lets us grow, gives us knowledge and teaches us wisdom. It can open our eyes or blind us depending on how we see it. Our past is just that, our past, what was, it may play on today and what is to be depending on the person and what they have gleaned from it, it can be beneficial and detrimental, it can be an escape or a prison, it can be a comfort or a source of pain. A Pandora's Box full of fears, dreams, broken promises, lost loves.

Whatever the reasons we choose to use our past, whatever we have learned from it or failed to learn, it is ours and we have to live with it. What I have learned that it is best to keep my past to myself and not share it with anyone except that one you have a past to share with.

Later...

The Martyr...

What is it that makes a martyr? Is it someone who believes in something so strongly that their life seems little to forfeit? Is it an inane stubbornness that ends up consuming you, blinding you from seeing another's point of view? Or not wanting to give in, waiting on the other to surrender? Is it a means of saving face, not wanting to be the first to give in or admit that something has met it's end? To be able to say you stayed there and gave all you could, that you were not the first to say goodbye? That you were steadfast and willing, that you were without fault? I guess being a martyr could mean all sorts of things and there are many things that could describe one.

That being said and going back to a very early post of mine in an earlier blog, forever I see as a misconception that the truth is that all things come to an end. Whether it be by some outside force or by personal design, inevitably everything comes to an end.

So this I give to you, as I feel you are not wanting to be the first to say it, but your silence shows your separation. I will say it so that you may be the martyr in this and say that you did give all without hesitation..this is my goodbye...what you have been waiting for.

Please, no comments....

Later...

I Have Learned to Hate...

Growing up we have all hated something, carrots, broccolli, liver, the little girl that wanted to play dolls, but those were things that you did not understand at a young age and didn't really understand the meaning of hate. It was a word that we had heard at a very early stage in our life and learned in passing and so it was added to our vocabulary and used as we thought it was meant to be. I think most of us learned it before we learned the words like or dislike, which would have been much more appropriate.

Once I learned what the word meant, I stopped using it. The word hate is as strong in it's meaning as is the word love and most use it as they would the word love, not really understanding the repercussions from it. Today I have felt it and I am sorry to say that that emotion plays within me.

For even though every fiber in my body strains not to feel it, every thought in my head has embraced it and what it means. This person who I trusted so much has forced me to feel this which I have not felt towards anyone since understanding what it means. As I sit here and contemplate the reasons why I am feeling this I try and find reasons not to, but none now come to me. This person has deceived me, made me think what I was doing was right, that in doing so I could always make up for it later. Made me believe that there is nothing that cannot be fixed or that if it couldn't be there was always someone else. I listened to these lies and I fed on them thinking they were not wrong, that they would not steer me wrong, just plat it out like they said I should. They led me into a feeling of complacency and had me thinking that there was nothing wrong, just keep doing as they told me. They had gotten me through this far in life and they would see me through this. That out of everyone I felt that had let me down, they were still with me and always would be.

I hate this person for who they are now that I see them for what they are and what I was led to believe was right. For all the lies I was fed from them to pass on, for all the hurt they have caused because I believed in them, for all the pain and disappointment they have wrought on completely innocent people. I have never in my life hated as I do now and I pray I never will again. The contempt I feel towards this person, the pain they have now laid at my feet I can never forgive them for. They have managed to destroy the last little bit of hope I had. I want them out of my life or what is left of it.

Maybe someday I will not feel what I do for this person, for what they have done. I hope I can, but for now I cannot see me doing that. Even though I cannot hide from them, even though they will always be there I will never forgive then for what they have done to me and to the ones I love and care for. I will face this person each and every day and know behind that smile there is nothing there. That in each word they speak I will not feel doubt as to the truth of what they say.

Yes, I have learned to hate today, I just never thought that person I have learned to hate would be me...

Later..

A Few Words...

She left a few lines today...
Words that made me think...
Even though she did not say...
I see I was not on the brink...

I wonder how she knew...
Or was it only by chance...
My life in hues of blue...
Her words in my mind dance...

That when I feel all alone...
She reminds me she is there...
To this friend I need not atone...
She lets me know she cares...

Even though her words were few...
The meaning may not be seen...
But as a friend she is true...
That when needed on her I lean...

She left a few lines to let me know...
At times I cross her mind...
To assure me she did not go...
Through her that peace I find...

That what I seek is within...
That in another it is not found...
It is there I should begin...
To free me from whence I'm bound...

Just a few words she left you see...
Some may see as being polite...
But the meaning was seen by me...
That in darkness there is light...

Thank you for being who you are...

Goodbye...

Goodbye...I will be gone for some time, I do not know when I will be back, I have some things I need to work out..thank you...

If This Were a Poem..

If this were a poem it would be for you...
Words so eloquently written...
To speak of my love and the things you do...
And the fact I am more than smitten...

It would explore the depths that I feel...
Of how you have touched my heart...
That before you nothing seems real...
It was with you my life did start...

That in a bird's song I hear your name...
With every bell that rings I hear...
In every wind that I hear the same...
And I feel that you are near...

That you have opened up in me...
Feelings I have never known...
A part of me I could not see...
That through you I have grown...

You have erased the past as if I had none...
That memories started with you...
And never before had I seen the sun...
Or the skies of azure blue...

As one blind who can see once more...
Like the deaf who now can hear...
No longer afraid to open that door...
Nor afraid to face my fear...

That you have given me a chance to live...
A life I never knew...
And shown me it is what you give...
That creates something true...

That we were not meant to be alone...
For in another we should share...
To learn to trust til doubt is gone...
And our faults laid bare...

To trust in who we are...
And accept that which we see...
That with faith we will go far...
To share a love meant to be...

Yes, if this were a poem it would be for you...
But it is my heart that speaks this now...
And bequeaths a love that is true...
Which shamelessly before I bow...

I Love You....

Why do we say it? Those three little words that we do to another? Do we say it as an affirmation of our feelings? Do we say it to convince the one we are telling it to in order to explain in as few words as possible that complex and confusing emotion that we cannot seem to explain in any amount of words? Do we mean it when we say it or is it said as a reflex action when we feel that we have nothing else to say? Why do we say it?

A conveyance of an emotion said in as few words as possible to unite and tie two together. Naturally we feel it for our children, parents and siblings. We are born into it, it is a bond that we create from birth, whether ours or theirs. But the love we feel for another is one learned or one that grows within us. We find something for some reason that has drawn us to that conclusion that we are in love. At first those words come as a small utterance, nervously said and afraid hoping that it is mutual. It is three words guarded, kept close and when said we feel relieved, afraid and vulnerable. We have just laid all our cards on the table so to say and in those three words have let the other know where we hope that it may lead.

In the beginning it is usually the first words we speak to the other and we feel that lightness and a euphoria it brings when it is said in return. And as the relationship progresses it takes on other meanings, not just as an expression or an affirmation of our feelings, but as an explanation of why we might do something either for the other or to the other. Later for some it is used as an excuse to try and explain why we do certain things or seek forgiveness of the other. Do we abuse it, use it or really know what it means when we say it? Some seem to think that the less it is said the more it means and some seem to think the more it is said it will strengthen a relationship.

Is it the cause of sleepless nights, loss of appetite? What are the symptoms of love? Does it cause one to forget to be irresponsible to readdress their priorities in life? Does it cause them to lose sight of things going on around them and they find that they only focus on that feeling?

I believe there are various stages and different kinds of love. I think we all believe that. So what is the differences in those types of love or the stages it progresses through when we have found that one in our life that we see ourselves sharing all those secrets we keep bottled up inside? What possess us to open up like we do once we realize that we are in love? Is it to show the other the trust you have placed in that emotion or in them? Why do we feel so vulnerable when we say it? And why do some regret saying it when they have said it? It seems it brings more questions than answers and we have been taught all through our lives not to question it but accept it. To believe in it and thus by doing so we start to nurture it. To some it scares them, they are walking a path they have never been on before, things are unfamiliar to them, they are out of their comfort zone and some are too guarded to say it, afraid that by doing so they have set themselves up to be hurt, disappointed and left alone.

It is better to have loved in life and lost than to never have loved at all. Is it? What does it bring to one? So many emotions are felt when we are in love or feel that we are. Emotions we rarely experience, emotions that confuse us. There is nothing simple about love or at least that is my personal feeling about it, but to others there is nothing simpler than love. Strange how it affects us and how we each see it different. But it is a universal feeling of mixed emotions, I think we can all agree on that.

Why do we fall in love? Do we do it as an honest emotion we are feeling, do we do it out of loneliness or do we do it out of habit? Some use it as a tool or a weapon to work themselves into a certain situation, to control another or coerce another into something they are unsure about. For some it is genuine and honest and forever. Some believe that you can fall out of love just as easily as you fall in love and go through life in a myriad of relationships leaving behind them a path of destruction and broken hearts and some once they fall in love they seem to trust in that feeling they have gained and cannot see themselves with no one else for the rest of their life.

Is love a genuine emotion or a conditioning we go through in life as we grow. Often our first examples of love and a relationship we get are from our parents. And it usually sets the groundwork of how we will deal with our relationships in the future or how we will define love. After all we see in our parents that place of the source to answers to all our questions about life. That by their example and their words we hold true and we find ourselves forming our own relationships based on that knowledge we have gained from them. Very few I believe rarely go outside this and form their on belief of how they feel love is or how they see it.

Some go to great lengths to prove their love and some offer it as no more than saying it. Most of us were born out of love. A result of a relationship between two to show the other that they are committed and see in them a forever, an undying emotion that will carry them through life together no matter what confronts them or tries to come between them. Do we really fall out of love or is it because we are afraid to be hurt that we pull ourselves away and hermit ourselves and use the excuse that the other did not really love us or understand what it takes to be in love and make a relationship work? For some it opens them up and they find themselves wanting to explore this new feeling and for others it causes them to withdraw deeper into that shell they have created afraid to wander out of it.

I do feel that if you are in love it is unconditional and you accept the other for who they are and not look at them as a challenge, something to be changed from that one that you met. That if they are in love that change will come from them without you changing them. We cannot mold someone to fit of how we think they should be and I do not think that we should place demands on the other if we are in love or expect out of them anything they are uncomfortable with. Those changes have to come from them and their desire to want to change for the other. I feel patience and trust in the other will create that change and believing in them and their love will cause them to want to change without the others influence. I do not believe it should not be held over the others head in order to gain something from them or used as a threat or a tool to get something they are not willing to give. I believe that this does not foster a lasting relationship or define how love is truly meant to be.

But to feel love and deny it, to deny the one you love is not protecting yourself, it is only hurting you. Who is to say that it will come around again. We get so few chances in life at love if any at all and to keep that love you are feeling to yourself and from the one you profess to love is only dooming yourself and denying yourself at a chance to be happy. Maybe it will come again, but will it be as strong or for the same reasons? Maybe it will be and then again, maybe it won't. Love is not a cookie cutter emotion and we do not fall in love with someone for the same reasons we fell in love with before with another, if it was love at all. I feel that true love comes only once, that you can love someone else as you move along in life, but there is only one in life that comes to you that you know without doubt in your heart that that feeling you are experiencing you will never find in another. Live that love, take that chance and believe in it, yourself and the other. It can only blossom.

As I said we all see love different and we all have our own reasons as to why we fall in love. Who is to say which one is correct? Be that as it may it is something we will all experience in life either to our benefit or to our despair and it is what we put into it that will determine what we get out of it. But if you are in love, never hold back that love just to protect yourself, you are causing more damage than good. Not only to yourself but to the other and what you have worked so hard on to create. Learn to accept the other and work from there. If you are truly in love and feel that love reciprocated then you have lost nothing and have everything to gain.

Later...

I Will Follow..

If for some reason you were taken from me, I would follow. If I were to wake up in the morning and you were no longer by my side, I would follow to wherever you were. Without question in my mind I would seek that place you have gone to. My promise to you was forever and forever it will be, never will I stray from that, never will I lose sight of that. For without you I am not whole, I am nothing more than a hollow shell for you are that which fills my life. You are my light in the dark and the warmth that comforts me. It is in you where my tomorrows lie and without you they would cease to exist.

I would walk that path that leads to you, no matter the trials or tribulations that were set before me. Nothing would keep me from my quest to be in that place you are. There would not be anything I would not overcome to be with you again. For what we have been through and where we have come to now in our life together would give me the strength to go on. You are that which sustains me and gives me reason to believe again that without you I have nothing. No heights to high, no breadth to wide would bar my journey to you. It is with you I belong and it is with you I will be. Even though stone beneath my feet and thorn rip at my flesh, I would stay that path that brings me to that place I want to be. You are in me now, a part of me and my prayer is that you will always be.

Before there was you, before you came into my life, I lived in a desolate world and suffered in a quiet desperation filled with loneliness. The darkness within only echoed that feeling that emptiness brings. You have filled that and you have bought light and warmth. I could not nor would I want to see another tomorrow if you were not in it. If you were not by my side I would see no point, no reason to stay. I would follow you and find that happiness, that joy that you bring.

Before was the past and you are my present, my future. It is you that guides me and gives me strength. Believe in this as I believe in you, for never have I seen in another what I see in you. I have no pride when it comes to you and no shame in my love for you.

Forever...