What does it take to be seen as a happy family? A lot would tell you that it takes being a unit to be a family. But what is it that takes being a unit? Some see it as having both parents raising their children, both taking an active part in raising them, teaching them, comforting them and being an example for them. They say it is a cohesive unit such as this that will teach them the meaning and the importance of family and creates a strong family bond that will carry on into their adult life as they will be seeking that same thing in their adult life. That the values that they are raised by will carry on. Yes, to a certain extent that is true, which child and spousal abuse is testament to. But I honestly do not think that it takes both parents to raise a child with decent moral values. To be a person of worth and be respected when they reach their adult life. It does take an example though, someone who has those values, that moral base in right and wrong, someone who is respected and shows worth.
I have seen families all my life with both parents as somewhat equal partners in raising the children, in some cases the family was very functional and it seemed to click and the nucleus was kept intact. That the core values were there that nurtured those bonds and moral beliefs in the family unit. But on the flip side of that same coin I have seen just the opposite, both parents raising the children and the children not really amounting to much, very dysfunctional and sibling rivalry to the point it was collapsing the nucleus of what a family should be. What could it be that causes such drastic differences in the outcome when the environment for both are close to being the same? I mean both parents raising the children, both sharing equal responsibility in seeing that those qualities we find so important are over a period of time ingrained in them, hopefully with successful results.
We have been told that we are nothing more than a product of our environment, that is how we are raised, who we choose as our peers and what interest we have chosen to follow that determines the end result of who we are today. This I cannot agree with or even fathom the thought that the person who wrote would even believe in it. So many good examples of what is morally acceptable, what is right have come from impoverished backgrounds. That a choice was made to pull themselves up from where they were at and seek a better life for themselves and their family. That they made a choice, (my favorite word, choice and it's cousin, option..) to put that life behind them and better themselves and offer something to their children they did not have. The ghettos just as much as the middle or upper class societies has had many good people who made a difference, contributed to society as a whole and unselfishly gave of themselves so that you and I could have a better life. So are we a product of our environment or are we a product of the choices we made? I believe the latter to be the true definitive statement of who we will grow up to be.
To fall back on the family unit and both parents raising the children, I did not try and give any definitive description of the parents are giving any history of them as to how they were raised, assume both sets had a normal childhood and were also raised by both parents and were raised to be contributing members of society all living in that mythological American Dream. Most middle class and upper class families enjoy some privileges that impoverished families do not have, one is that the divorce rate in an established family is much lower and financial stability is not a dream, but more of a reality and the children normally get the things they are needing without any effort at all. Whereas in an impoverished family, the divorce rate is much higher and it is a struggle to keep a roof over the families head and food on the table. That to a lot in this impoverished class the simple things in life that we take for granted are luxuries to them. And living that so called American Dream is just that, a dream. I feel it is that dream that has done more harm than good and that reality of things are that only self can make a difference on how we will eventually end up in life, successful and a contributor or impoverished and dependent on the welfare structure we have created. But it is within these impoverished families that you see the moral values of family more stable, more ingrained and more prevalent than in the middle or upper class families as they only have themselves to depend on. And it is here where that so called family unit myth is shattered, because it is here where you find more single parents raising their families and instilling in their children that if they want a change it is up to them to make that change. That they do have options but it is up to them to seize that opportunity and make the best of what they have. I also find that people with this type of family background have a lot more appreciation for those core beliefs and values. Much more so than that of the middle or upper class families.
To cite an example for a single parent family I don't have to look very far. It is someone I know. She works hard, most days a minimum of 10 hours as an accountant with some days going far beyond 12 hours. She has twin daughters who are approximately 9 years old. She has been with the same company for over 13 years and has slowly made her way to a somewhat comfortable position. She is divorced and lives or rather her parents live with her, her mother full time and her father is there often. She is a very responsible person both in her professional and personal life, has wonderful ethics and moral beliefs and believes in the family unit. She has such a strong belief that she feels she has an obligation to her parents to return to them what they had given her to get where she is at today. That is something you rarely see at all anymore. We as a society in America feel that is our parents obligation and duty to see that we make something of ourselves and when it does not happen the way we think it should, we blame the way our parents raised us. But in this person, this single parent I see something much different, I see one who is very thankful for what her parents have given her and taught her as she was growing up, that the lessons she learned from them she has kept with her and I see these same moral and ethical lessons being passed on to her daughters. She made a choice early in life not to be a burden on anyone, she made a choice to listen to her parents and learn from their struggles to get where she is at in life now. She has learned the importance of acceptance and of charity. She has learned that it is the choices we make in life that will determine who we will eventually be. Yes, to an extent we are a product of our environment, but to place everything as to who we are on that belief would be foolish, because we have to make choices. We are taught what is right or wrong and are given examples to that effect by our parents as to what they see is right or wrong, but we have to be able to distinguish ourselves the difference and make a choice. I see that in her, she has made the right choices, I see it in her daughters and the way they behave. They have a very tight family unit and one depends on the other. She involves them within the family just as much as she involves herself in their life, scholastic and personal, guiding them each step of the way. She provides for them a very nurturing atmosphere and rewards them appropriately, they are her number one priority in her life. And she has earned much more than their love and devotion, she has earned their respect and respect for her position in the family. I see her as the driving force in providing the necessary tools for her daughters to try and make the right choices in life.
We have talked many hours about what we believe in, what we see and deem as being ethical and moral. We have discussed responsibility and parenting and the roles each or one parent should take. We have talked of the importance of the family and the priority it should maintain in one's life and how by setting a good example you have given your children the most important tool they could possess. How above all else it is family that we should consider first and foremost. That by nurturing those qualities of family and living by a specific set of rules or ideologies and sustaining and demonstrating healthy moral beliefs and making ethical beneficial choices the family structure will not perish and crumble like some sand castle built too close the the surfs on the beach, but will grow strong and endure like a house built of stone. A shelter to find refuge and comfort in and a place to find solace with family. I have a deep admiration for this lady and the highest level of respect for the task she has taken on in life.
When I think of her and her daughters, I think of three little fishes in a bowl. Living in their own world, yet seen by all around them. Seen as a very loving family knowing the importance of that special relationship that family offers. We create the reality of our dreams by the choices we make, I see she has made those dreams of hers a reality.
