Goodbye...

Goodbye...I will be gone for some time, I do not know when I will be back, I have some things I need to work out..thank you...

If This Were a Poem..

If this were a poem it would be for you...
Words so eloquently written...
To speak of my love and the things you do...
And the fact I am more than smitten...

It would explore the depths that I feel...
Of how you have touched my heart...
That before you nothing seems real...
It was with you my life did start...

That in a bird's song I hear your name...
With every bell that rings I hear...
In every wind that I hear the same...
And I feel that you are near...

That you have opened up in me...
Feelings I have never known...
A part of me I could not see...
That through you I have grown...

You have erased the past as if I had none...
That memories started with you...
And never before had I seen the sun...
Or the skies of azure blue...

As one blind who can see once more...
Like the deaf who now can hear...
No longer afraid to open that door...
Nor afraid to face my fear...

That you have given me a chance to live...
A life I never knew...
And shown me it is what you give...
That creates something true...

That we were not meant to be alone...
For in another we should share...
To learn to trust til doubt is gone...
And our faults laid bare...

To trust in who we are...
And accept that which we see...
That with faith we will go far...
To share a love meant to be...

Yes, if this were a poem it would be for you...
But it is my heart that speaks this now...
And bequeaths a love that is true...
Which shamelessly before I bow...

I Love You....

Why do we say it? Those three little words that we do to another? Do we say it as an affirmation of our feelings? Do we say it to convince the one we are telling it to in order to explain in as few words as possible that complex and confusing emotion that we cannot seem to explain in any amount of words? Do we mean it when we say it or is it said as a reflex action when we feel that we have nothing else to say? Why do we say it?

A conveyance of an emotion said in as few words as possible to unite and tie two together. Naturally we feel it for our children, parents and siblings. We are born into it, it is a bond that we create from birth, whether ours or theirs. But the love we feel for another is one learned or one that grows within us. We find something for some reason that has drawn us to that conclusion that we are in love. At first those words come as a small utterance, nervously said and afraid hoping that it is mutual. It is three words guarded, kept close and when said we feel relieved, afraid and vulnerable. We have just laid all our cards on the table so to say and in those three words have let the other know where we hope that it may lead.

In the beginning it is usually the first words we speak to the other and we feel that lightness and a euphoria it brings when it is said in return. And as the relationship progresses it takes on other meanings, not just as an expression or an affirmation of our feelings, but as an explanation of why we might do something either for the other or to the other. Later for some it is used as an excuse to try and explain why we do certain things or seek forgiveness of the other. Do we abuse it, use it or really know what it means when we say it? Some seem to think that the less it is said the more it means and some seem to think the more it is said it will strengthen a relationship.

Is it the cause of sleepless nights, loss of appetite? What are the symptoms of love? Does it cause one to forget to be irresponsible to readdress their priorities in life? Does it cause them to lose sight of things going on around them and they find that they only focus on that feeling?

I believe there are various stages and different kinds of love. I think we all believe that. So what is the differences in those types of love or the stages it progresses through when we have found that one in our life that we see ourselves sharing all those secrets we keep bottled up inside? What possess us to open up like we do once we realize that we are in love? Is it to show the other the trust you have placed in that emotion or in them? Why do we feel so vulnerable when we say it? And why do some regret saying it when they have said it? It seems it brings more questions than answers and we have been taught all through our lives not to question it but accept it. To believe in it and thus by doing so we start to nurture it. To some it scares them, they are walking a path they have never been on before, things are unfamiliar to them, they are out of their comfort zone and some are too guarded to say it, afraid that by doing so they have set themselves up to be hurt, disappointed and left alone.

It is better to have loved in life and lost than to never have loved at all. Is it? What does it bring to one? So many emotions are felt when we are in love or feel that we are. Emotions we rarely experience, emotions that confuse us. There is nothing simple about love or at least that is my personal feeling about it, but to others there is nothing simpler than love. Strange how it affects us and how we each see it different. But it is a universal feeling of mixed emotions, I think we can all agree on that.

Why do we fall in love? Do we do it as an honest emotion we are feeling, do we do it out of loneliness or do we do it out of habit? Some use it as a tool or a weapon to work themselves into a certain situation, to control another or coerce another into something they are unsure about. For some it is genuine and honest and forever. Some believe that you can fall out of love just as easily as you fall in love and go through life in a myriad of relationships leaving behind them a path of destruction and broken hearts and some once they fall in love they seem to trust in that feeling they have gained and cannot see themselves with no one else for the rest of their life.

Is love a genuine emotion or a conditioning we go through in life as we grow. Often our first examples of love and a relationship we get are from our parents. And it usually sets the groundwork of how we will deal with our relationships in the future or how we will define love. After all we see in our parents that place of the source to answers to all our questions about life. That by their example and their words we hold true and we find ourselves forming our own relationships based on that knowledge we have gained from them. Very few I believe rarely go outside this and form their on belief of how they feel love is or how they see it.

Some go to great lengths to prove their love and some offer it as no more than saying it. Most of us were born out of love. A result of a relationship between two to show the other that they are committed and see in them a forever, an undying emotion that will carry them through life together no matter what confronts them or tries to come between them. Do we really fall out of love or is it because we are afraid to be hurt that we pull ourselves away and hermit ourselves and use the excuse that the other did not really love us or understand what it takes to be in love and make a relationship work? For some it opens them up and they find themselves wanting to explore this new feeling and for others it causes them to withdraw deeper into that shell they have created afraid to wander out of it.

I do feel that if you are in love it is unconditional and you accept the other for who they are and not look at them as a challenge, something to be changed from that one that you met. That if they are in love that change will come from them without you changing them. We cannot mold someone to fit of how we think they should be and I do not think that we should place demands on the other if we are in love or expect out of them anything they are uncomfortable with. Those changes have to come from them and their desire to want to change for the other. I feel patience and trust in the other will create that change and believing in them and their love will cause them to want to change without the others influence. I do not believe it should not be held over the others head in order to gain something from them or used as a threat or a tool to get something they are not willing to give. I believe that this does not foster a lasting relationship or define how love is truly meant to be.

But to feel love and deny it, to deny the one you love is not protecting yourself, it is only hurting you. Who is to say that it will come around again. We get so few chances in life at love if any at all and to keep that love you are feeling to yourself and from the one you profess to love is only dooming yourself and denying yourself at a chance to be happy. Maybe it will come again, but will it be as strong or for the same reasons? Maybe it will be and then again, maybe it won't. Love is not a cookie cutter emotion and we do not fall in love with someone for the same reasons we fell in love with before with another, if it was love at all. I feel that true love comes only once, that you can love someone else as you move along in life, but there is only one in life that comes to you that you know without doubt in your heart that that feeling you are experiencing you will never find in another. Live that love, take that chance and believe in it, yourself and the other. It can only blossom.

As I said we all see love different and we all have our own reasons as to why we fall in love. Who is to say which one is correct? Be that as it may it is something we will all experience in life either to our benefit or to our despair and it is what we put into it that will determine what we get out of it. But if you are in love, never hold back that love just to protect yourself, you are causing more damage than good. Not only to yourself but to the other and what you have worked so hard on to create. Learn to accept the other and work from there. If you are truly in love and feel that love reciprocated then you have lost nothing and have everything to gain.

Later...

I Will Follow..

If for some reason you were taken from me, I would follow. If I were to wake up in the morning and you were no longer by my side, I would follow to wherever you were. Without question in my mind I would seek that place you have gone to. My promise to you was forever and forever it will be, never will I stray from that, never will I lose sight of that. For without you I am not whole, I am nothing more than a hollow shell for you are that which fills my life. You are my light in the dark and the warmth that comforts me. It is in you where my tomorrows lie and without you they would cease to exist.

I would walk that path that leads to you, no matter the trials or tribulations that were set before me. Nothing would keep me from my quest to be in that place you are. There would not be anything I would not overcome to be with you again. For what we have been through and where we have come to now in our life together would give me the strength to go on. You are that which sustains me and gives me reason to believe again that without you I have nothing. No heights to high, no breadth to wide would bar my journey to you. It is with you I belong and it is with you I will be. Even though stone beneath my feet and thorn rip at my flesh, I would stay that path that brings me to that place I want to be. You are in me now, a part of me and my prayer is that you will always be.

Before there was you, before you came into my life, I lived in a desolate world and suffered in a quiet desperation filled with loneliness. The darkness within only echoed that feeling that emptiness brings. You have filled that and you have bought light and warmth. I could not nor would I want to see another tomorrow if you were not in it. If you were not by my side I would see no point, no reason to stay. I would follow you and find that happiness, that joy that you bring.

Before was the past and you are my present, my future. It is you that guides me and gives me strength. Believe in this as I believe in you, for never have I seen in another what I see in you. I have no pride when it comes to you and no shame in my love for you.

Forever...

Changes...

The only true constant in our life is change, everything else is transitory. It is strange to think of something that is evolving can be a constant, most think it is the things that do not change that are a true constant, but the truth is, there is nothing in life that does not change. Everything is subject to change, no matter what it is it will change. Time is that vehicle to change and we must learn to adapt and evolve with that change and even out refusal to adapt to it will bring about an unsolicited change within us or within the environment we live. Those who cannot adapt or refuse to accept change are those who perish. Change is the natural order of things and history is evidence to the fact that the lack of ability to change brings on extinction or being obsolete.

Change can be precipitated in several ways, either naturally by time based on seasonal, climatic and social changes or ushered in by man due to ideologies or a break through in science. Through out history man has brought on change in a not so subtle ways, mainly through the disruption of natural events or by an invention that changes the way we would normally live and work.

Look at transportation, mans first means of transport was to walk, to get him from point A to point B he had to depend on himself. Now man has not always been a biped, he had to learn to change to walk upright, but as time progressed he learned to domesticate animals to serve that purpose, this too is attributed to man. He no longer had to depend on his own mobility to travel and could go further distances which enabled him to expand and populate farther reaches. He no longer had to depend on himself to plow a field or harvest a crop, along with domestication of animals man learned to expand his thoughts and invent peripheral tools to assist him in his labors and lighten this burden and increase his yields. Change, inevitable in life. As man progressed through time and as the world's population increased and distances grew man saw the need to change again in order to adapt. Soon other inventions were set to mind. Man had learned chemistry and metallurgy and how to forge iron, how to create alloys and in that what he had learned transportation that did not require a beast of burden to transport him or his goods was born. And from those first attempts many other forms of transportation was developed to satisfy the growing population and their needs. Man learned to adapt to these changes and from them profit from it. This is the type of change that did not cause extinction, but rather created an obsolete way we used to do things. The beast of burden did not go extinct as he was never actually meant to be put to the use that man changed him for, they went back to what they had done before domestication in many cases or were used for other needs to satisfy man.

Now not to say that man with his changes has not bought on extinction of a species, the recent and most dramatic is the passenger pigeon and the dodo bird. Man in his short sightedness did wipe out these species and in a very short period of time and has also come close in the past to wiping out other species with the purpose of creating change within a people. The bison or buffalo was one of the more historic events in history where man purposely and systematically set out to completely decimate a species in order to make a change in both indigenous people and the expanding settlers. Cattlemen did the same with the wolf in order to make a change in the natural order. Fortunately he found that bringing on these changes caused a serious impact on the environment as well as caused over population of other breeds that were kept in check by the predation of the wolves. That caused over grazing and eventually starvation even down to the cattle he was trying to protect. As for the decimation of the passenger pigeon and the dodo bird, I have yet to read or learn what impact that has made, but the fact that it was precipitated by man for no other reason than to hunt them down to extinction has yet to make sense to me.

Does natural order cause extinction? When left alone to evolve, I don't think it does. People argue the point that dinosaurs are extinct, but are they? They had millions of years to evolve and there are also walking dinosaurs from the past still walking and swimming today. Birds are evolutions of the dinosaur, the equine species we know today ancestors have been found in fossil remains, the cealocanth still swims the depths of the ocean. Lizards, turtles, snakes, frogs, cattle, all evolved and adapted. The most famous of all with the littlest change is the cockroach. This insect with his ability to survive by adapting to his environment is proof beyond doubt that if left to the natural order man can adapt. These changes are not abrupt and survivability is high when we learn to accept these changes and evolve with them.

There is a reason that I have posted this, not for the one you may think, but yet to convince myself that change is inevitable in life and it is up to me to learn to adapt to that change and learn from it to survive. To leave one way of life behind me and embark on another that is totally different than the one I was born in. To realize that with this change is my chance to gain from it something I do not have now. I may be a dinosaur now, but soon I believe I will be soaring among the clouds.

Later...

Stone by Stone...

Stone by stone you're taking it down...
Scattering them all about...
Ghostly memories now lay all around...
A maligned heart filled with doubt...

No tears of sorrow will you cry...
An emptiness is by your side...
On your lips the word goodbye...
You feel you can no longer try...

This love for you was not enough...
Suspicions settled in your mind...
The candle that burned you snuff...
A lonely comfort you will find...

You seek those now from before...
Ones that bring a smile...
Little words that they adore...
You decide to stay a while...

You've closed your heart to me...
Erased me from tomorrow...
I don't think you no longer see...
For I only bought you sorrow...

Out of habit you speak those words...
No feeling there you place...
And on the wing like fleeting birds...
You turn and hide your face...

No longer do you speak to me...
The things that you once saw...
Like the blind you no longer see...
You only know my flaws...

Those times alone we no longer share...
Where intimate words were spoke...
In your heart you no longer care...
The red thread has been broke...

You said you will see this through...
Together we would be...
Then I felt the cold wind that blew...
Slowly you fade from me...

I cannot be that friend again...
I come to far to return...
Too many things we did plan...
Now turn to ashes as they burn...

Upon my knees I came to you...
Confessing all my wrongs...
Through all I've done my love is true...
Yet on your heart the shadows are long...

Those little treasures you left for me...
Words from your heart...
The things you hoped would be...
To me you no longer impart...

You used to speak of we...
You said forever was ours...
Now I only hear the me..
And feel a love gone sour...

No longer do you wake at night...
To seek my company...
To chase dark dreams to flight...
And seek your place beside me...

Will you ever see in me...
Those things you saw before...
When we spoke of eternity...
As we walked through love's door...

Will our paths once again entwine...
And side by side to walk...
To feel that which is sublime...
Of tomorrow to talk...

Come to me and take your place...
Beside me is where you belong...
Let me look upon your face...
As you sing love's song...

Speak those words again to me...
Heal this pain I feel...
Tell me all we want will be...
And your thoughts to me reveal...

Take my hand and hold it tight...
Walk this path with me...
Let me turn the wrong to right...
Let me be the one you see...

And stone by stone let us rebuild...
To turn this darkness into light...
Cast out sorrow upon the field...
And on tomorrow set our sight...