Lost in a Moment of Loneliness...

One of the most basic feelings is that of loneliness, at that point in our lives when there is not escape from it. You have done all you can do to ward it off, fight it from taking over your thoughts and twisting your soul until it screams for the want of another to fill it. Such as it was that first time I met her. There is only so much you can discuss with a three almost four year old boy until your mind screams to be released from the adventures of Sponge Bob Square Pants, Clifford the Big Red Dog and Bob the Builder. As you can see discussion are limited and the mentality level starts to sink to the point to where you find yourself wondering what you can create with a box full of Legos.

Exhausted after a long day of work and an evening of trivial conversation concerning those above mentioned cartoon characters, quietness finally set in and my mind mulled to a consistency of warm pudding, it hit me like a ton of bricks. If I did not find someone to talk to, someone I could relate to on a level higher than that of a toddler I felt that I would not be long for the sane world. I felt my level of comprehension concerning anything to do with current events, politics, global warming, religion, relationships or anything two rational adults would talk about would be met, digested and responded to with the mentality of a four year old. It was at that point I decided I needed someone to talk to so I entered a chat room on the internet.

As I sat there reading the screen and listening to what people had to say. I got to thinking that maybe conversing with a four year old wasn’t all that bad. I thought I was amongst adults, some what educated individuals capable of a cohesive thought. But it seemed I had landed in a room full of lemmings and vultures. They were either following someone over the edge of a cliff or they were scavenging upon the emotions of another. Either quick to exploit or to follow, I was amazed and baffled at what was being played out before me. It did not take long to see that most in the room were not capable of an original thought and if they had one I wondered if they would have known what to do with it.

Remember, I said most, not all had the mentality of a cantaloupe. I have been very fortunate in my patience and persistence to have met a few that I have come to respect their opinions and their insight. There is one that through a commonness and mutual interests that we shared came to mean more to me than I could have ever imagined. One I found that in my search to fill the loneliness that was eating at me had become more than just someone to talk to, more than someone to share a few hours together and I found myself slowly getting lost in them. It was at a moment in my life when I felt I was destined to live a life of loneliness that we met.

At first the conversation was nothing more than the polite exchange of who we were our names, ages, location and marital status. I wasn’t seeking a relationship with anyone, all I wanted was someone I could talk to and carry on a discussion with and use words bigger than two syllables at a time. Someone who shared some of the same interests I did and who didn’t use net slang or abbreviate every other word, someone who could actually think for themselves and had independent thoughts of their own. Someone who could challenge me, make me think and use my brain as it was intended to be used. It was hard in the beginning, we were half a world apart, different cultures and a completely different social structure, but with a dogged determination I wracked my brain to try and develop something between us.

I had mentioned at one point during a lull in the conversation that they were not a very open person, that they were a tough nut to crack. I was informed that that wasn’t the case at all; I just had to ask the right questions. It was at this time I felt as if that tough nut was starting to crack and I patiently persisted in my endeavors to get to know this person better. As time went on and we delved deeper into each other’s lives, I found that we shared the same views on many things and a lot of many different levels, especially with that concerning family. Slowly as this person emerged from that shell they were encased in, I found in them not the simple person they had first professed to be, but a very complex individual, one who more than just challenged me, but was an enigma, a puzzle that I found I was beginning to think about more than I should have been, as I said, I wasn’t looking for a relationship and I really didn’t think it would last long at all. After all, this was only the net and I felt sooner or later they would meet someone else on here and move on. In the back of my mind I had already set myself for this to happen and was prepared for it. It was what happened that I wasn’t prepared for at all.

As days turned into week and weeks into months I had found myself lost in someone I really didn’t want to return from. I was on a path now where I was being pulled deeper and deeper into someone who mesmerized me, held my attention as no one ever has. They were unique and unlike anyone who had ever entered my life before. They were witty, educated and mannered. I am not saying that no one in my life did not have those traits, what I mean it was the way they expressed them that I had not seen before. Like a gem they had many facets and each one sparkled as it was revealed to me.

Eventually a relationship as beautiful as rose started to bloom, but just as beautiful as it was, there were thorns and I soon found out the pain something with such beauty can bring.

I remembered when I confessed my feelings to them, how I was starting to feel, how they made me feel and what I felt developing, I was asked if I was sure about what I was feeling and through a couple of week long separations I had found myself lost and feeling those pangs of loneliness in my need to be with them and I knew then what this was I was feeling and I again assured them that I was sure of this which I felt for them was true. I asked if they felt the same, if these feelings I harbored were felt by them. I don’t know was my answer, but I know I like you and like talking to you and I find myself looking forward to seeing you, it is becoming a tradition for me. It was Christmas Day when I was told that they too felt as I did.

It seems that is the pinnacle of all relationships, the summit, the apex and the acme of all you strive for when you feel and see in a person that forever you have never seen before in another. I have heard all my life that there is only one that will come into your life that you know in your heart is that one, that you will never see another as you do in this one and that if ever lost you will never find it in another. This is what I had found in this person, a tomorrow of forevers. And it is here I have been pricked by the thorn on that rose.

I do not know if it was out of complacency or the eventual lull we all experience in a relationship that I confused with losing this person, feeling them slipping from me and in some kind of desperation I started to lie to them, to hold her attention. I did this without realizing about the consequences once those lies caught up with me. To be something or someone I wasn’t in order to hold this person and pull them to me. We made plans for our future, our tomorrows and as these plans developed in our hearts I started stacking lies on lies assuring them that all of this would come to pass and our forever would be soon. I knew they were smarter than the lies I told but their trust in me had temporarily blinded them. Even burdened with the guilt I felt, I still kept to my lies knowing all along that what I was doing was destroying not only myself, but this one chance in my life to have someone in it who loved me. I told them I felt as if they were pulling away from me when all the time it was my lies pushing them from me.

When all the lies were exposed, when all was laid on the table and sorted I did not offer any explanation to my lying, I accepted responsibility for what I had done. Where most would have turned and walked away in shame, it was that same shame I felt that made me want to seek their forgiveness. When anyone else would have walked away from the one who had lied, they are still there, untrusting, but hoping that in all of this there is still something there. Who is the bigger person in all of this, the confessor of the lie or the one who still sees some hope? I think we both know who it is and in all of this they still hope there is something in it.

It is almost midnight and the library will close soon, so Better get this posted and get home...or as much as a home as I have now

The Past...

It seems no matter what we do to try and put our past behind us, it seems to always be there. Strange that something that was seems to be there all the time. If there is something there not to remind you, there is someone around who will. Some people cannot let go of the past and enjoy reliving it or living in it. No matter how hard we try and put it behind us, it always seems to be there right in front of us. Strange it seems to me. Not to say memories do not have their place in our life or that lessons are not learned, but it would seem to me that certain things are best left there and not constantly being disturbed to trouble us and taunt us. Maybe it does so to remind us about our mistakes or that we have yet to learn the lesson it is trying to teach us.

Some cannot help but to keep bringing your past up for you, not necessarily the ones you have had a history with, but rather those you have confided in. As if they enjoy watching another relive the pain that seems to weigh on them. I cannot understand or fathom their reasoning behind this, but to me it is almost sadistic to want to see another suffer. I think the only ones who have that right to do so are the ones who have a past to share, not those who want to share in your past.

What was, was, what is is now, what will be is yet to be seen. Why can't things be left in that order? To live for the present, plan for tomorrow and leave the past behind. But it seems that some just cannot let go or will not let you let it go.

The most tender moments and the most painful see to be in our past. I am not saying the past is not important, it is part of our self evolution that makes us who we are, lets us grow, gives us knowledge and teaches us wisdom. It can open our eyes or blind us depending on how we see it. Our past is just that, our past, what was, it may play on today and what is to be depending on the person and what they have gleaned from it, it can be beneficial and detrimental, it can be an escape or a prison, it can be a comfort or a source of pain. A Pandora's Box full of fears, dreams, broken promises, lost loves.

Whatever the reasons we choose to use our past, whatever we have learned from it or failed to learn, it is ours and we have to live with it. What I have learned that it is best to keep my past to myself and not share it with anyone except that one you have a past to share with.

Later...

The Martyr...

What is it that makes a martyr? Is it someone who believes in something so strongly that their life seems little to forfeit? Is it an inane stubbornness that ends up consuming you, blinding you from seeing another's point of view? Or not wanting to give in, waiting on the other to surrender? Is it a means of saving face, not wanting to be the first to give in or admit that something has met it's end? To be able to say you stayed there and gave all you could, that you were not the first to say goodbye? That you were steadfast and willing, that you were without fault? I guess being a martyr could mean all sorts of things and there are many things that could describe one.

That being said and going back to a very early post of mine in an earlier blog, forever I see as a misconception that the truth is that all things come to an end. Whether it be by some outside force or by personal design, inevitably everything comes to an end.

So this I give to you, as I feel you are not wanting to be the first to say it, but your silence shows your separation. I will say it so that you may be the martyr in this and say that you did give all without hesitation..this is my goodbye...what you have been waiting for.

Please, no comments....

Later...

I Have Learned to Hate...

Growing up we have all hated something, carrots, broccolli, liver, the little girl that wanted to play dolls, but those were things that you did not understand at a young age and didn't really understand the meaning of hate. It was a word that we had heard at a very early stage in our life and learned in passing and so it was added to our vocabulary and used as we thought it was meant to be. I think most of us learned it before we learned the words like or dislike, which would have been much more appropriate.

Once I learned what the word meant, I stopped using it. The word hate is as strong in it's meaning as is the word love and most use it as they would the word love, not really understanding the repercussions from it. Today I have felt it and I am sorry to say that that emotion plays within me.

For even though every fiber in my body strains not to feel it, every thought in my head has embraced it and what it means. This person who I trusted so much has forced me to feel this which I have not felt towards anyone since understanding what it means. As I sit here and contemplate the reasons why I am feeling this I try and find reasons not to, but none now come to me. This person has deceived me, made me think what I was doing was right, that in doing so I could always make up for it later. Made me believe that there is nothing that cannot be fixed or that if it couldn't be there was always someone else. I listened to these lies and I fed on them thinking they were not wrong, that they would not steer me wrong, just plat it out like they said I should. They led me into a feeling of complacency and had me thinking that there was nothing wrong, just keep doing as they told me. They had gotten me through this far in life and they would see me through this. That out of everyone I felt that had let me down, they were still with me and always would be.

I hate this person for who they are now that I see them for what they are and what I was led to believe was right. For all the lies I was fed from them to pass on, for all the hurt they have caused because I believed in them, for all the pain and disappointment they have wrought on completely innocent people. I have never in my life hated as I do now and I pray I never will again. The contempt I feel towards this person, the pain they have now laid at my feet I can never forgive them for. They have managed to destroy the last little bit of hope I had. I want them out of my life or what is left of it.

Maybe someday I will not feel what I do for this person, for what they have done. I hope I can, but for now I cannot see me doing that. Even though I cannot hide from them, even though they will always be there I will never forgive then for what they have done to me and to the ones I love and care for. I will face this person each and every day and know behind that smile there is nothing there. That in each word they speak I will not feel doubt as to the truth of what they say.

Yes, I have learned to hate today, I just never thought that person I have learned to hate would be me...

Later..

A Few Words...

She left a few lines today...
Words that made me think...
Even though she did not say...
I see I was not on the brink...

I wonder how she knew...
Or was it only by chance...
My life in hues of blue...
Her words in my mind dance...

That when I feel all alone...
She reminds me she is there...
To this friend I need not atone...
She lets me know she cares...

Even though her words were few...
The meaning may not be seen...
But as a friend she is true...
That when needed on her I lean...

She left a few lines to let me know...
At times I cross her mind...
To assure me she did not go...
Through her that peace I find...

That what I seek is within...
That in another it is not found...
It is there I should begin...
To free me from whence I'm bound...

Just a few words she left you see...
Some may see as being polite...
But the meaning was seen by me...
That in darkness there is light...

Thank you for being who you are...