Nothing comes to mind and I wonder now why I am even trying to post something. I spoke with someone I have not talked to in a while yesterday, it was good to hear from them again and I found how much I have missed talking with them. It was more of a cordial "how are you?" and "I don't see you online very much." sort of thing, but none the less it was very good to hear from them again. I had found myself wondering about them and how they were getting along. I was relieved to see that they were doing well. I hope that it is not the last time for a another long spell before we talk again.
Not much going on in my life for now. I do not logon to the chats any longer nor do I do a lot of messaging. Guess I am weaning myself from the past or the hold it had on me before. Or rather the hold I let it get on me. I do not find myself missing it though, I do find myself missing people I have met on here and talking with them. A lot of what I do now is through offline messages, one in particular I have been talking with for sometime now. For some reason they went to Toronto to learn Cantonese and soon will return to China. There are others that I speak with when I come to check my email and messages. One is a very sweet person and we seem to be able to talk about a lot of things without me offending them, (amazing, isn't it?) but we manage to be open enough about things in our life and our expectations.
Ah, expectations, I have few, seems the older I get the less I expect out of life or out os someone in my life. Self disappointment has a lot to do with it, making wrong decisions, not being as open about myself as I should have been when it was important to do so, not being truthful with those that mattered and hiding myself from those who wanted to see the real me. My own downfall or as it is said, I kicked my own chair out from under me. Something I am learning to live with. One of my dad's favorite sayings in life was, "You have made your own bed, now lie in it." I never really understood what he meant back then, but its meaning has become crystal clear to me now.
Such is life and such is my life, learning to live with what I have done and wishing at times I had done it different. But I guess we all wish that at some point in our lives. So many cliche's come to mind now when I think of yesterday, maybe my life is a cliche', it would not surprise me one bit if it were. Anyway, I will close this and find something else to occupy my mind because I have found nothing on here that seems to fill that void I have been feeling.
Later...
Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away
Been a while since I posted anything and thought I should at least make an attempt at something. My tooth has been bothering me lately and it makes it hard to concentrate on anything for any amount of time before the pain diverts my attention, but I have had a few moments when through my clouded thoughts I could focus and have a few moments to slip back to another time and place.
I was listening to the radio the other evening, not anything in particular, mainly just trying to drown out the overwhelming silence that seemed so deafening for some reason. Maybe it was nothing more than my toothache or the pain medications that seemed to amplify the silence that had settled in around me, but a song came on that my father liked a lot and as I listened to it I was reminded how fleeting time is. There is a line in the chorus, "And ain't it funny how time slips away." and I started dwelling on that particular line as I reflected on yesterday.
So much comes into our lives and much passes on through. Some leave thoughts for tomorrow and others forgotten no sooner than they are gone. It could be seen as milestones through out our lives to mark passage or highlight an event we have experienced, either way it did something or left an indelible impression on us for some reason that will always be with us. So I let myself go and gave into those memories as they passed through my thoughts.
Big plans in life when I was old enough to start thinking about my future and how I saw myself in it then. From a life in a commune, a guitarist, an architect to a self made man not having a worry and doing as I pleased. I never saw myself as a husband and a father or being where I am at in life right now. I never imagined I would be a grandfather or that I would be alone at this point in my life. No never did I ever imagine it at all. Now a Caribbean island laying in a chaise lounge under an umbrella on a beach with a tall cold drink in my hand I could imagine and I can still imagine that to this day. But it seems that no matter how we see ourselves tomorrow we rarely see it come to us. We can Rembrant it and paint us in that picture we see, but like a picture we hang on the wall we mainly just end up imagining that one day this is how our life will be painted. We step back and admire it and tell ourselves "Someday" but rarely if at all do we find that day.
I envy those who have found that day, that those dreams they had when they were younger came to fruition. I am not jealous because what I have now nothing could ever replace that, a beautiful daughter and three grandsons and memories of the one that made that happen. But yet I wonder what it would have been like if I had done something different, would it have still taken me to where I am at today? Would fate had set me on a different path?
I thought of all those dreams I had yesterday and how I always told myself there was always tomorrow to start making them happen. Seems though that as the old saying goes, "tomorrow never comes." there is only today and yesterday. Nothing I can do about yesterday as it has already come and gone and as tomorrow never comes I only have today to work with as I have always had before and as before I always told myself there is always tomorrow. Lazy? Maybe that could be it, ambivelent could be an excuse, but I think it more of wondering if I could do it at all and be successful at it. Could be that I think about it too much, like that first dip in the pool, instead of just diving in I just think how cold it could be, the shock to my body and then wonder if it would be easier to just ease myself in. Place a foot in, acclimate it and then slowly emmerse myself until I have accustomed myself to the change. Much like life and how we go through it. Hardly do we ever just dive right into something in life, too many varibles or possiblilities that something could go wrong, no we ease ourselves into it until we have acclimated ourselves to the situation. A chance to always pull our foot out until we have completely commited oursleves to something new, something we are not accustomed to. We, or at least I tell myself there is always tomorrow.
So much comes to us in life, much just passes through like a breeze through the leaves and is gone. Always tomorrow to begin those dreams if only there was a tomorrow.
Later...
Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.
I was listening to the radio the other evening, not anything in particular, mainly just trying to drown out the overwhelming silence that seemed so deafening for some reason. Maybe it was nothing more than my toothache or the pain medications that seemed to amplify the silence that had settled in around me, but a song came on that my father liked a lot and as I listened to it I was reminded how fleeting time is. There is a line in the chorus, "And ain't it funny how time slips away." and I started dwelling on that particular line as I reflected on yesterday.
So much comes into our lives and much passes on through. Some leave thoughts for tomorrow and others forgotten no sooner than they are gone. It could be seen as milestones through out our lives to mark passage or highlight an event we have experienced, either way it did something or left an indelible impression on us for some reason that will always be with us. So I let myself go and gave into those memories as they passed through my thoughts.
Big plans in life when I was old enough to start thinking about my future and how I saw myself in it then. From a life in a commune, a guitarist, an architect to a self made man not having a worry and doing as I pleased. I never saw myself as a husband and a father or being where I am at in life right now. I never imagined I would be a grandfather or that I would be alone at this point in my life. No never did I ever imagine it at all. Now a Caribbean island laying in a chaise lounge under an umbrella on a beach with a tall cold drink in my hand I could imagine and I can still imagine that to this day. But it seems that no matter how we see ourselves tomorrow we rarely see it come to us. We can Rembrant it and paint us in that picture we see, but like a picture we hang on the wall we mainly just end up imagining that one day this is how our life will be painted. We step back and admire it and tell ourselves "Someday" but rarely if at all do we find that day.
I envy those who have found that day, that those dreams they had when they were younger came to fruition. I am not jealous because what I have now nothing could ever replace that, a beautiful daughter and three grandsons and memories of the one that made that happen. But yet I wonder what it would have been like if I had done something different, would it have still taken me to where I am at today? Would fate had set me on a different path?
I thought of all those dreams I had yesterday and how I always told myself there was always tomorrow to start making them happen. Seems though that as the old saying goes, "tomorrow never comes." there is only today and yesterday. Nothing I can do about yesterday as it has already come and gone and as tomorrow never comes I only have today to work with as I have always had before and as before I always told myself there is always tomorrow. Lazy? Maybe that could be it, ambivelent could be an excuse, but I think it more of wondering if I could do it at all and be successful at it. Could be that I think about it too much, like that first dip in the pool, instead of just diving in I just think how cold it could be, the shock to my body and then wonder if it would be easier to just ease myself in. Place a foot in, acclimate it and then slowly emmerse myself until I have accustomed myself to the change. Much like life and how we go through it. Hardly do we ever just dive right into something in life, too many varibles or possiblilities that something could go wrong, no we ease ourselves into it until we have acclimated ourselves to the situation. A chance to always pull our foot out until we have completely commited oursleves to something new, something we are not accustomed to. We, or at least I tell myself there is always tomorrow.
So much comes to us in life, much just passes through like a breeze through the leaves and is gone. Always tomorrow to begin those dreams if only there was a tomorrow.
Later...
Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.
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