Out With the Old, In With the New...

Out with the old and in with the new or a year in retrospect. Dusting cob webs was never a priority with me and as I look back many are strung behind me and entangled in each are the testimonials to many broken dreams, broken resolutions and broken promises. But even looking back through the cob webs I can see the twinkle of a few bright moments and as I brush back the cob webs they come into focus.

They say there is a reason for every thing and every thing has a reason that happens to us in our life. Some good, some bad, some inert and some you will never fully understand why it happened. For the most part as I look back I can accept most that has happened to me in the past twelve months but it is those ones I cannot understand that will probably keep me wondering through out the next year. Be that as it may I know eventually I will either figure it out or forget about it. So let's review.

It was basically a pretty lazy and non productive year personally for me. I did not work much at all, fortunately I am in a position now that work has become and option for me and not a requirement. Maybe it should have been a requirement because I proved one thing, that an idle mind is the devils playground and I am not at all proud of things that I have done. All I can do is hope for those transgressions I am forgiven. To one especially who I hurt and wounded deeply I hope they can find it in their heart to get past what has happened and forgive me. They told me they cannot stay angry, but I feel that forgiveness has not come, but I am patient and I will wait. Maybe this year.

I found out how long nights were this past year, I have watched many roll by. I have come to hate sleeping now. I used to love the sunsets, I loved the colors as it painted the sky in red, vermilion and oranges, now I see it as an omen to a lonely night. I sit up night after night watching time slowly drag by not going to lay down until 3 or 4 in the morning. Exhaustion seems to help to fall asleep, at least it stops the thoughts in my head that would normally keep me awake. I realize they are guilt driven and I also realized it is something I am going to have to learn to live with. Maybe a resolution for the coming year I will be able to keep, you never can tell.

I learned many things about myself. Not because of me seeing myself, but seeing myself through others. I think that is the best way one can really see themselves. I have two people who I can thank for that, I won't mention their names, they know who they are. It was through them I saw many things about myself I was blind to or things I just refused to see. But it was though these two people that I was able to open my eyes and understand some things about me that I had not seen before. Through one I realized that my actions just didn't affect me, that many ripples were created and they touched many. I learned that when you love someone and when you hurt them, you hurt yourself. That there is more than one who loses in love and once lost it is never found again. The other taught me acceptance, how to accept myself for good or bad to accept it and get on with life. She taught me or rather she is teaching me to stop being so hard on myself, to stop feeling the guilt, this I am still trying to learn. She was the one there when I needed someone to talk to. She listened and she offered her words to me. I have no greater respect for anyone. It was through her I learned to "see" and before I say something understand what I am saying that what I say will have consequences. She has given me many gifts of wisdom and I will forever be in her debt.

My smile in Hong Kong, I cannot help but feel good when I talk with this one. Funny and very uplifting, but don't let that fool you. She is very intelligent and has a very deep understanding of life and people. She though is one to have as a friend in life, she truly cares and will stand beside you through it all. She has been a blessing in my life and I cannot say enough about how wonderful she is. Always supportive and worries if she hasn't heard from you in a while and will hunt you down just to make sure you are okay.

Ohio, what can I say. I have never laughed so much in my life. You bring tears to my eyes from laughing so hard and you help me forget many things. You came at the right time, I don't know how I would have ended this year laughing without you. Thank you for being there with your quick wit, quips and smile. You have helped me through some very rough times.

Jeremy Wade First born February 25, 2002










Coby Brennan Second to this trio September 11, 2003











Shelby Owen the third in this little group June 22, 2006








My grandsons, a source of happiness every day of every year and this past one has been no different. The antics they pulling keeps me smiling as do their constant whys, what for's and can I's their little minds can conjure up. From the naps they fail to take, because they have figured out you can only catch one at a time from them devising new ways to get a cookie or finding where I hid the candy. They have become masters of deception these three. Shelby, (aka Dinky) will keep your attention as the other two ransack all the drawers and cabinets to find all the hidden goodies then run off smiling once found to get his cut of the booty. Much they have learned over this past year. I just smile and think, team work in action. As I watch them grow though I can see in them three very loving and caring boys who may squabble every now and then, but will let nothing come between them.

Closing out this year and to make ready for the coming new year it is time I imagine to close a few doors behind me and put away a few things. Some I have found very hard to walk away from. But as I close this door I know that tomorrow will be bright and as I have been told, the sun will still rise. And as I embark on this new year it is with hope that I see tomorrow and for good things to come.

So to all I wish that have come and gone and to those that have come and stayed Happy New Year and may it bring you closer to the
ones you love and to ones that love you.

Later...

P.S. Yes..I know I was supposed to put up some pictures of the little guys..but just got lazy and didn't do it.

Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas! I want to thank everyone for visiting my little corner of the ether this past year and I hope each found something that piqued your interest.

During this festive and reflective time of the year I hope you each find a moment or two to look back and reminisce on something that makes this season special to you. I am happy I was able to share a few of my thoughts with every one who happened to stumble upon my page, but I am pleased that you took a moment to see what was here.

Now, on to my seasons greetings.

It seems that during this time of year we find ourselves hurrying about trying to beat the crowds that always seem to know exactly where we are going to be. Trying to find that certain gift that will make someone's Christmas morning bright. Whether it be for a loved one or friend, we each try our best to make the gift memorable for them. Each year I am asked what I would like for Christmas and each year I answer a smile. I think that is the most memorable gift I could receive from anyone, for in that smile is reflected their joy and surprise that will embed itself in our memory. With each smile being as unique and different as snowflakes and each will have it's own memory.

Kelly, you have made each Christmas special to me throughout your 26 years, from your first Christmas where you thought that the wrapping and bows were more attractive than the present inside. I could not ask for a more wonderful daughter than you, I want to say that I am very proud of you and I couldn't love you more. You have given to me such wonderful joy and have made my life full. You have given me smiles that are attached to memories that I know will always be with me. Know that you will always be my favorite memory. I love you Kelly.

Jeremy, my first born grandson. I can remember your first Christmas vividly as you tore into presents that weren't even yours. Now it is your seventh Christmas and I am looking forward to sharing it with you. The joy that is reflected like a twinkle in your eyes each Christmas morning is brighter than the year before.

Coby, your cherub face always brings a smile to my heart as you quiz me relentlessly with all the whys you have running around in that head of yours. But it seems each Christmas those whys you have turn into oh's and ah's as your eyes as large as silver dollars take in all the sights the season offers. I can't wait to see them this coming Christmas morning.

Shelby, (aka Dinkey), Mr. Smile himself. Your second Christmas little man and I can already see that mischief in your eyes as you sidle over to the tree to see if that was a piece of tape that wasn't adhered very well. Stuffing that mouth with as many cookies and pieces of fudge it can hold and leaving those little chocolate finger prints all over each package. I guess that explains why the dogs like to sit next to you when it is time to open presents, they can lick the wrapping.

Momo, the one I have found that feels the joy of giving is what the spirit of the season truly defines. To take that day set aside for family and to give it to those who cannot be with theirs that day. You are more than a shining example. I want to thank you for just being who you are and to let you know that I am very honored to know you, even if only in this way. You have opened my eyes and taught me to see with my heart. I am forever indebted to you for all you have given to me.

And so to all as the song goes, "Although it's been said many times many ways, Merry Christmas to you..."

Know each and everyone holds a place in my heart and each has given me smiles that I will always remember.

Later...

I Didn't Know Him Well....

No, I didn't know him very well, but that of him which I knew will be with me. Like me, loved a good "debate", if that is what I could call it. And I believe that is what I will miss most above anything else.

I realize that I was not an ardent contributor to Embracing Dreams, but the times I did go there I noticed he seemed to show a keen interest in every member there. His jocular insight in the ability to find the humor when all seemed very dark is testament to him and his way of seeing that it can only get better.

It is moments like this that make us wish we had taken the effort to get to know someone better. We take it for granted that there will always be time, but then we see that time has slipped from us and in a whisper they are gone. As I said in a testimonial to him at Embracing Dreams, "I cannot say if he is in a better place or not, I do not know where our souls go when we are released from these mortal chains that bind us to the present.", but I do know this, he has left an impression on all who had the good fortune to have met him.

In life we are given a specific amount of time on earth before we pass on to someplace that only our convictions in a religious belief or teachings tell us where we will enter next and it is what we do with the specific amount of time we are allotted that we will be remembered. From what I have witnessed and been told he will be remembered with fondness and in his benevolent outreach to those less fortunate. It is not often in life we meet someone that touches us as they touch others and give of themselves unselfishly and without thought of personal gain.

I would like to think I am one of the fortunate ones.

Later...

Forest of Memories...

a forest of memories I walk through...
as I pass through light and shade...
dappled thoughts at my feet...
that echo from years gone by...
smiles and laughter, frowns and tears...
are the leaves upon these trees...
and I the gardener who who planted the seed...
each tree I claim as mine...
the blood and sweat of those who cared...
ferment with all my failures...
while all the good deeds that I once did see...
are lost in the forest's litter...
a meadow breaks where sun peeks through...
it warmed my soul a while...
soon weed and bracken choked the ground...
and the petals of flowers wilted and died...
no song bird sings upon the branch...
no cricket chirps beneath the leaves...
all is quiet as silence is the only sound...
her smile that was my sunshine...
her tear that was my rain...
she made this place fertile one time...
a place peasant to be...
now as I walk in this forest of memories...
her voice no longer is whispered to me...
and I try to turn and go back to that place...
the one we shared each day...
I walk through brier and bramble...
bruised and weary I go on...
only to find she is no longer there...
her waiting is over and done...
she dwells in another forest now...
flowers bloom where she walks...
she smiles and brings the sunshine...
her tears sate another's thirst...
her song is sung in far away winds...
no longer will I hear...
now silence is the only sound...
amidst these trees I now fear...


I spoke to my friend again, she sees through me like glass. I believe she called me Mr. Transparent, I honestly believe she knows where my heart lies. Even though we do not speak of it any more, subtle nuances still enter the conversation, maybe it is a word or a phrase I unconsciously type in, but she will let me know in her way that I have yet to let go. I try and tell her I am putting it behind me, I know she sees through that though and she will quickly change the subject as not to let me dwell on it too long.

She is a very benevolent person, never have I seen her place her problems to me, but rather shows concern for those she cares about over herself. I don't know if it is her way of paying penance for something she feels she needs to, but I do know she has been through and survived many trials in her life and she has yet to lose that positive outlook that seems to radiate from her like warmth from the sun.

The poem I have written I know she and the person I wrote it about will understand its meaning. I guess she is right, I just can seem to let this one go.

Later...

Trust...

Merriam-Webster defines trust as "a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed".

How can someone elaborate on it anymore than the definition states? To be able to hold in confidence with someone their ability to hold to the character displayed and believe in their trustworthiness. That no matter what is said between the two, whatever they transact as being solely between themselves would never be breached and that foundation on which formed that belief in each other would remain steadfast and could not be corrupted by any means outside of the two.

Trust, the foundation all relationships are built on, whether it be a friendship, business partnership or romantic relationship, it is all based on trust in the other. Believing that they will always be the one confidant, the one fence post that anchors the relationship. It is what all else is built on, even before you can love someone, you have to trust them. Before you can develop a bond of friendship, you have to trust them, before you share finances with them, again, you have to trust them. Everything we do through out or life, trust plays a hand in everything, from buying a car to giving your heart.

I like to think I can trust every one until they give me reason not to any longer. I do not go into anything with not trusting, I may be wary at first, but that does not mean I do not trust them. Like anything, you test the waters at first, you start with little things that would not harm you to see how they handle it, to see if there reason to take that trust further. Little by little that trust is built and a union is formed based on that.

It is when that trust is breached that the foundation starts to crumble. At first insignificant little cracks appear, but nothing that you feel that cannot be patched and go on with the relationship. But soon even those patches weaken and the cracks deepen and soon you feel that the trust has been compromised and the foundation starts to crumble bringing in on you everything that had been built. You are blind to all of the things you found positive in this and can only see the faults now. Of everything that went wrong, of each untruth of each violation of your trust. We no longer see that person as we once saw them, we can only see them for their wrongs now. Some say they can forgive and get on with life, but from personal experience I have found that is not true. I broke that trust in another and they have yet to forgive me and I do not see then doing so.

Can trust be regained? I think it can in some instances, where pride does not stand in the way or where you feel enough for this person still to want to rebuild that which you once had. It is a long tedious process, much longer than it took when that trust was first given, because everything before is now in doubt. They do not see you as the same person as they first did. It is much more fragile now though, not as strong as it first was and never will be again. And once that trust has been rebuilt it has to be maintained. You cannot get complacent nor take it for granted or think you can ever get away with violating that trust again. Then it will never be rebuilt.

Think of what you have to lose, it could be the most precious thing you have, because once lost, it is never found again.

Later...