China1

I had something totally different to write, a sequel to an earlier post but something set me off and I can no longer sit idly by and keep my mouth shut. It amazes me at the insensitivity people show and what is even more pathetic is that the ones who chastise others for their insensitivity are the perpetrators of some of the most cruel and insensitive verbal haranguing of any I have seen. One who lives his life through another's misery and misfortune and another who is afraid if she looks in the mirror she will see who she truly is.

He befriends and gains knowledge of the other through his deceitful words, playing on what another has done to them. He will go attack the one who he feels has wronged the other, but what he also has gained of the one he befriended is tucked away to be used against them when he feels they are no longer of any use to him or that they do not see his point of view. He has no life and therefore has to live his life through others. He is a man with no reflection, he is as hollow as an empty vessel and with even less substance. As useless as exhaled air he has no use. He proclaims to be better than others as he belittles them and makes them feel as if they are worthless, but the only worthless one is himself. He has no feelings for others and no remorse for what he has done to others. As if his shit doesn't stink. He needs to learn his place in life, because it is not where he has placed himself now. He is a sad self centered person who has little to offer anyone much less to himself. I do not feel sorry for him in the least, I do not pity him, for if he truly was the person he says he is, he would realize what he has done. I see in him a person who hates himself and where he is in life. Rejected to the point he is bitter and spiteful, the bile that ushers from my bowels is sweeter. I have never really disliked a person, I may have gotten angry with them, but I have always been able to see some redeeming quality in everyone I have met, but he falls far short of having any qualities at all. Dung beetles have there use in life, rolling into balls the fecal leaving of animals, even the ball of dung has a purpose, unlike himself who serves no purpose at all. He is doing nothing more than taking up space that would be better used by someone else, breathing air that someone else could be more productive with. What is even sadder is that he believe what he spouts and expects others to do the same. He is beyond pathetic, to be pathetic would be a step up for him. So watch for him, avoid him like you would a rabid dog, because he does bite. Say nothing to him that you do not want used against you, because trust me on this, he will.

The other I know on a more intimate level. She is a married woman I met in the chats and we started talking. She is just another flavor of the previous one I mentioned, only difference between the two is that she wears a bra. She is as spiteful and bitter as he is. She is judgmental and deceiving. She has deceived herself and her family and still seeks happiness in the chats. She deceives her husband and leads him to believe she is faithful all the while seeking another's attention in chatrooms and like the other I have mentioned is quick to chastise people for the exact same thing she is guilty of herself. I honestly believe she is afraid to look in a mirror in fear of seeing who she really is, that same person as the one she demoralizes and berates. I have learned in life, it is the sad and lonely that portray these attributes. She is afraid of being alone, without anyone, she has little self confidence and is afraid of being who she is. She too lives her life through other people. Her bitterness is evidence of that and that she is a very unhappy person. Her list is long as this I know personally and at one time I cared for this person, until rejection showed the real person she was. She cannot even face up to the fact she had feelings and denies it every chance she gets, but my phone is full of her messages as is my archives in my chat client. She is like a viper and quick to strike, she is as venomous as any poisonous snake I have encountered. Another who has placed themselves where they are in life and I feel no pity or sorrow for her either.

I am not saying I am not guilty of doing someone wrong. I am, very much so, but the difference here is that I saw it, I owned up to it, did not deny it and took responsibility for my actions, even these two can't say I didn't. I am not perfect and I will never claim to be, but I know when enough is enough and that this is not as anonymous as people think it is. It is not some kind of shield, quite the opposite, it breaks down walls people have built and that is where these two wait at. Be warned, be aware and be wise, if you see them and you have rad this, think before you say anything to them.

Bond, Ayfen, karma is coming home to rest and what goes around is coming back around and around and around. This is not the finish to anything, but rather the beginning and every chance I get to come at you, I am going to take and I will take the same attitude as you do, I will feel no remorse, no guilt, not when it comes to you. Bond, you have met more than your match, if I were you I would just resign myself to the kitchen and keep washing dishes, keep your nose out of where it does not belong and go find a life and stay out of others. Really quite simple when you set your mind to it. Ayfen, before you open your mouth, learn to think and think about what you have done for you are not that innocent person you have led everyone to believe you are. You have caused you share of pain to others and you really should show everyone the real you, not the one you show them. Maybe if you did, you would find happiness with your husband and you family instead of feeling as if you do not get the attention you feel you need, because even seeking attention is as bad as being whore as you are so fond of calling others. There are such things as attention whores you know.

Later...

Welcome to the Internet...

Silently the night surrounds me and shrouds me in the anonymity of it's darkness. Eyes peer into a world of misshapen images truncating the mind and clouding reality. The translucent glow filling the room adds to the mysticism of the ether world as words surface that have been buried in depths of controlled angst. Emotions escape that have been locked away from the cruelties of those that feed on another's anguish. Passively giving in to the guile of another as I sink into a world devoid of realism. Letting it engulf me as I immerse myself into a realm without boundaries. Where the only limitation is set by your imagination.

Lost in the shade of lost hopes and broken dreams where reality seems a memory. Where insanity seems like a tranquil rest and a pillow of thorns masks the pain within me. The fallible become infallible and I am are masked behind deception. Courting my own self needs to fill this emptiness that I live in, this vacuous vessel that is called my soul. Ingratiating myself on those who trust me, only to inflict upon them this pain that gnaws at me.

Where truth is lost in lies and the only thing I let them see is the mirror I am looking in. The reflection of the demons that rent at me. Fear me, because I am afraid of myself. I live in this nightmare and stalk it's shadows concealing myself in it's quiet darkness. Immune to tears I smile and with soothing words I bring them to me. They forfeit to me their thoughts and their hearts as I slowly work into their lives. Showing them the me they want to see. Am I the demon or am I the mirror that they see? Am I that reflection of who they want to see? The one who fills their expectations? Or that deceptive one who feeds upon their loneliness?

Do I let them peer into the hollow of my eyes to see what lies beneath the surface? To see the emptiness I feel, that I live in? The bile that bubbles within seething it's nauseous fumes permeating the air as perfume to them. Submitting to me as my words blind them to what they see.

In this world of transparent differences they come unsuspecting retreating from the world about them to seek solace in another that they can open up to. In their weakness is my strength and like prey in an eye of a predator I bide my time working on their weaknesses until I see my time to bring them down. Their innocence abandoned and their virtue handed to me willingly.

The invisibility, the anonymity camouflages me, hidden in a sea of bits and bytes I lie in wait as they unsuspectingly enter into this world they are seeking refuge in. I need not seek them out, they come to me and they come willingly without thought of who I am. Not in the least suspicious of my motives or intent. Like so much luggage they carry with them their hurt, pain and sorrow and like a salve, with words I begin to soothe their wounds. Telling them what they want to hear as they slowly tear down the walls they have built to shield them from people just like me in the real world. With their defenses weakening I bring them closer until in me they see what they think they are seeking.

Welcome to the internet....

Later...

Silence...

Somethings end in heated arguments with words being thrashed about in spiteful hurting accusations. Things said that finalize something in your life to bring and end and justify the means. Those are things you can deal with, rationalize with and understand eventually no matter which side of the fence it was thrown from. So when they end, there is a finality to it. This most can deal with in life as it gives them something to chew on so to say. That maybe the reasons given at the time were in fact justified by actions or the lack of them.

It is when nothing is said at all that I cannot deal with. As if ignoring them it will go away and be forgotten. As if it does not or never did exist. Okay, maybe to that is their way of dealing with things and they feel maybe they are just in doing so. Personally I think it is cruel, I am not saying I am faultless in this respect, I know I have done the same and maybe it is just coming back to haunt me. But in the same respect I did eventually give closure to a bad situation or to something that needed closure.

Silence is the cruelest thing of all, especially when the one who is perpetrating it knows it is and knows how it makes the other feel. It is as if they do it because they know exactly what it is doing to the other. Well, I have endured it before and I will this time.

Later...

Ever Have One of Those Days?

Ever wake up and the atmosphere of the day took you back to another time and place in your life? You know, when the weather and general ambiance triggers something in your mind and slowly like a receding fog anther time comes to you. This was one of those days. It was overcast and a cool north breeze was pushing the humidity and heat of the summer to the south. There was the imminent hint of rain, not a thunderstorm, but one of those soft steady rains that cleans the dust from the air. Today took me back to a very simple time in my life. Back to when October with it's cool weather and changing of color heralded something dramatic.

I can remember it so clearly as if I had just woke from that day. I was so excited and I thought that it was never going to get dark. Even though the days were shorter and by 7pm it was dark, but I thought that the sun would never set. It was one of the few times in my life were I would skip supper so as not to spoil my appetite for the evenings door to door feast I was about to embark on.

With each drop of an acorn on the roof today, with each leaf floating slowly down to the ground my memory receded back to that day in west Texas just outside of Abilene. I was in the 3rd grade at the time and it was Friday, so I know that I would be out well after my normal bedtime that evening which added to the excitement and the expectations of a bigger take of the treats that were waiting behind each door I knocked on. No I thought, the earth is going to stop spinning and the sun won't set and I will stuck between afternoon and evening for the rest of my life holding this empty brown paper shopping bag.

I can see myself sitting on the front porch, my father pulling up into the driveway looking at me as he always did. Walking up the steps he looked down and smiled, without saying a word he walked on into the house and let my mom know he was home. I could smell the frying chicken, the yellow squash boiling on the stove and the cornbread in the oven. But I know I would not be sitting at the dinner table that evening. Maybe that was why my dad was smiling, he knew he would have a larger portion of the fried chicken that night.

Slowly I watched the sun descend behind the trees that lined the barbed wire fence across the road. My heels kicking against the concrete of the porch, looking for the first signs that it was time to set out on my quest for the evening. I watched the sky grow dark in the east and the first stars twinkling in the darkening sky. It was almost time. From the north I could see a band of clouds slowly start rolling in, the wind had a chill to it and I hoped it would not rain. The smell before the rain was there and it had me worried that it would cut my evening short. This one time in my life that gave me a little more freedom than other days. Where being a kid was the most important thing and this was a kid's night. As soon as the shadows from the trees stretched across the road and encroached on our yard my feet hit the dirt and I was off. Yelling my goodbye to my mom and dad as I passed the dining room windows, my bag flapping behind me. I knew before too long I would be using both hands to carry it.

Throughout the night I went from door to door, down every street, across fields and gardens searching out every house I could find. Tip toeing through the old grave yard, behind the old Catholic church I made my way methodically across town. At each door I knocked I can hear the plunk of the treats entering my bag as it slowly was filled. It was hard to fight the temptation to reach in and start gorging myself on my booty I had been gathering, but I managed.

Around midnight I made it home. My bag laden, me tired but excited to empty the contents of my bag on the living room floor and see what I had. My dad sat up waiting on me as I walked through the door. He looked over at me shaking his head and asked if I had managed to knock on every door in town. There was not a door I did not miss I told him. I had even went down streets that had on a few homes setting on large lots, homes most kids avoided because they thought they would not get anything. No stone left unturned I told him smiling. As I dumped the contents on the floor I was not disappointed in the least and I could tell by the look on my dad's face he would have a long reprieve of me asking him for change to buy candy. It was a treasure in chocolate, bubble gum, suckers, caramels and other candies. I felt rich.

I went to bed that night clutching the bag tight against me. Yes today was one of those days. Everything was just right for bringing yesterday back...

Later...