Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 5th and Absolute Final Installment~~Flight to San Fransisco Part 2 of 2(maybe)~

Flight to San Fransisco Part 2 of 2 of the final Installment
(Yes, it is going to come to a heady conclusion here)
(maybe)

I always liked fishing, the strategy involved, selecting the right bait, that one special lure you liked to toss in front of a large mouth bass, tease him, taunt him, bring him to you slowly. Convincing him that I am lower on the food chain than he is, getting him to sink to my level. Man I really hope Yadnus doesn't forget the gray jacket and the shirt.

"So Raffie tell me about this Polaroid scam you got working, I mean is it able to go coast to coast, is that why you are going to meet with Mr. Big?"
"Polaroid scam? What makes you think we have a Polaroid scam going?"
"Two guys from the same city, same job, only different places, names a little alike, both talking about Polaroid film and seems you come to Tijuana for the he he he, cooler climate, it all starts to fall together. This Ruffie character will run the east coast operations while you toddle on up to San Fransisco and meet with Mr. Big and agree on his cut for protection and operating capital. You really don't have to be a psychic to figure that one out Diego."
"Oh Mr. Stone, you make me laugh a lot, maybe you talk to the airport manager and see if they have a position for comedian open. You could keep the waiting passengers entertained while they wait for their airplane."
"Yeah you laugh Diego, but there is more to this than some unsanctioned survival training in a beer cooler here."
"What do you know about that Mr. Stone? I never mentioned anything about survival training, did I?"
"You think you are the only one that knows what is going on? That is just a smoke screen, a ticket to Mr. Big. There is more than just rocks between my ears."
"Yes I am sure there is more senor, much more than just rocks, to bad though there is not enough of it to stop the rocks from shifting."
"Yeah whatever Diego, just remember this, I have it all figured out now and it's only a matter of time before you slip up, make that one little mistake and then that is where I jump."
"Sure senor I am sure you will. Oh and on the flight up to San Fransisco, if you feel the need to drain the iguana, the bathroom doors are the ones with the big handles and the big red circles."

Over the loud speakers they announced the boarding call for the flight to San Fransisco. I looked over at Raffie and that sneer across his face. Soon I would be wiping it off for him. Soon we were settled in our seats and the captain was informing us of our flight that day when I noticed Raffie sitting in front of me. If he only knew how transparent he was, how easily I had seen through his little plan, saw through that little smoke screen, maybe even Miss Dew is in on this. I tapped Raffie on his shoulder.

"Nice seats."
"Senor, ah at my back I see, I feel a little more comfortable now knowing you are watching my back."
"Just know I will be keeping an eye on you my friend."
"Ah so now we are friends senor and so quickly. Was it my personality or did you just like the way I dressed?"
"How about a common interest, Miss Honey Dew, yeah, you know who I am talking about. Mr. Big's little beneficiary, the one that will be at the Christmas party tonight. Is she the second part of your "ticket" to meet with Mr. Big?"
"Ah senor, yes, a friendship based on common interests can lead to many enlightening moments. I can see that maybe you and I may share a few. Would you not say so senor?"
"Feeling the need to enlighten me Diego?"
"Senor you know, you are a very funny man, not too bright yet seems to avoid being shot. You know as a child we were taught to respect the "special" people senor. Those ones who's light was on but the place is vacant. Now Mr. Stone what my business is with Mr. Big or with Honey Dew does not really concern you, well unless you get in the way, then there could be some minor altercations and slight change in the plans, oh and then the flowers senor, I will have to order the flowers too."
"Flowers for what Diego?"
"Why your funeral my friend. Do you think I would forget our friendship so quickly?"
"Yeah, you're a funny man too there Diego. Funny men make mistakes though and like I said, call me Michael Jackson, cause I'll be there."
"Remind me to buy tickets senor."
"Listen Diego, I am the last thing you want on your tail."
"Yes I am sure of that senor, but sad to tell you, I do not swing that way."
"You're a real wisecrack, just don't forget to cross your T's and dot your I's, I will be on you every step of the way."
"I will appreciate the company and the entertainment senor, but honestly I do not deserve such attention from you, yes I am unworthy of your attention senor. I am just a simple man with a simple life and simple needs. You should really focus your attention else where."
'Oh I can assure you my friend, I have more than enough attention to go around. I will see that nothing or no one is lacking of that."
"One of us will be lacking senor, I can assure you of that."
"Yeah I am sure one of us will be."
"So senor this Honey Dew what has she told you about me, I mean Ruffie?"
"Said he liked to give survival lessons in beer coolers and then document them with pictures, strange that it too was a Polaroid, don't you think? Again, we end up with the film. You see how this little circle revolves Diego?"
"Ah Mr. Stone you should run for president, I think the office would suit you quite well."
"Yeah I have been told I am a natural born leader and decision maker."
"Not exactly for those reasons senor."
"Because I can get the job done and I can see through the crap."
"Well again senor, not exactly for those reasons either."
"Well then why do you think that the office would suit me?"
"Because like all your predecessors you are totally clueless. Senor if a clue came up and bit you on your backside, you would slap at it."
"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but for now where does Miss Dew fit into all of this?"
"As I asked you senor earlier, what has she told you?"
"I told you, it has to do with you, this Ruffie character, who by the way in the State of New York you have to certified to give survival lessons isn't and Polaroid film."
"Exactly where do I fit in senor?"
"You said you had a Polaroid invitation to Mr. Big's little wingding. Adds up, doesn't it?"
"And you think that this Polaroid invitation you say I have has some connection with this so called Ruffie and Honey Dew's little beer cooler escapade?"
"She said he had a Polaroid camera that he at first said it was to gather body heat and store it in armpit packs. She found out later it was pictures of her rubbing his more active area."
"Yes, well senor I have heard stories of this survival technique before and have heard marvelous stories of its success, it keeps blood flowing the vital organ, if you understand what I am saying. Who's not to say that this technique is not a valid survival tactic, I mean you can generate as much heat as you could walking and enjoy yourself too. You would be surprised at how many people get lost in some of the big cold storage vaults, I tell you they either alcoholics before we find them or a freeze pop. So I am sure Honey Dew was saved from a horrible death due to exposure by this method and now feels this Ruffie guy is expecting a little more favor from her."

Good, he feels relaxed and now he is talking, this is where they usually mess up, when they are talking, but you have to be paying close attention while they are talking so that you find the trip wire that send them crashing down to eat the dirt of truth. Time for the first strike.

"I never said that Diego."
"Yes senor you did."
"No I didn't, I never mentioned a word about this Ruffie character expecting more favors from Miss Dew. I said it was a ticket in to see Mr. Big."
"Uh no senor, I am pretty sure you mentioned it, yes, pretty sure. Why else would I say it if I didn't hear it from you? I mean you been talking like some little old lady in a care unit for the aged, you probably don't even remember what you have said."

I reached up and placed my hand on his shoulder, squeezed tight as I pulled myself forward and whispered;

"Nah Diego, I am pretty sure I didn't. You can keep the comb in the boot."
"You think it can't hurt? It can put a very terrible scratch on you and that can get infected."

I let him sit there the rest of the flight in silence. I wanted him to think about our little talk, let him sweat, stew in it for a little while. Stew? Hm. Yeah stew would be good tonight, mutton or maybe a good seafood stew. You know when I was a kid we used to have stew on cold winter nights, yeah, a big slice of cornbread and a big bowl of mom's Spam stew, takes me back, chicken bone soup, that was her specialty and dad said the frying and then boiling killed all the bacteria and parasites, then dad coming home after digging through the chicken cannery's bone pile back near the sewer drainage ditch meant soup all week. Now when he hit the tuna and salmon processing plants there was meat in the stew and did you know that that approximately 75% of what we call common weeds out in the yard are actually edible. Momma used to fry those chicken skins till they were like potato chips. Yeah he was thinking now. He knows I caught the slips, the trips and sooner than he thinks I will pounce, a rhetorical pounce, not an actual lion pouncing on gazelle at the watering hole scenario, more like, "Ah ha, I caught you!" kind of pounce, yeah it's time to play this little fish.

I dozed for a bit while Raffie digested what I had fed him. I don't know how long I had been drifting in and out of sleep when the stewardess shook my shoulder and informed me that we were landing and that I needed to put my seat back in the upright position and I had 5 minutes to go to the rest room before approach. I looked up at her and thought, now why is she so concerned about me going to the restroom? I looked at her and then followed her gaze downward. Oh, that, yeah I guess that would get a little notice on a plane in the prone position. I headed to the toilet to freshen up and to wake up a little. Back at my seat the fasten seat belt symbol was flashing. Buckling up I stared at the back of Raffie's head thinking if he was thinking that maybe he thought that I thought that there could be a remote possibility that I might know something, well some knowledge, okay, maybe a theory, yeah, yeah, a shot in the dark then, but the thing was, all I needed to do was make him think and then keep applying the pressure. Now this in PI talk would be referred to as, "Crap or get off the toilet." If you are not going to at least squeeze out a week plus expenses out of your client and pretend you know what you are doing and make the perp sweat so that you can show some kind of results, then you might as well find another line of business, because you weren't cut out to be a PI. I could have called it quits, called Miss Dew from Tijuana and told her that there was nothing here, but Tijuana as everyone knows is a goldmine of information, some of it useful some times, well part of the time, okay, it is a good place to go and get drunk and chase some skirts at the client's expense. I didn't call her though, well I did and ended up speaking Yadnus, but I didn't just quit and walk away from it, no, I stayed on it like a Tennessee blood hound, sniffing out the information or like this last time, dressed like a freaking elf and smelling like a fruit salad. You know it feels kind of good going commando every now and then, makes this little respite feel more like a mini vacation than an information expedition, you know that relaxed feeling. Just hanging loose you could say. Yeah I do what it takes to get the job done, nothing is beneath me. I can crawl underneath the belly of a snake on teflon, I knew I would have to be able to do the things other private investigators thought was a little undignified, like the time I powdered my body all white and hid in the Caligula statuary at one of those fantasy sex resorts, trailing this old geezer and his personal aide. I knew I should have used duct tape on the grape leaf, but I thought the transparency of the scotch tape would have been a little more effective or either I could have powdered my body before I put on the grape leaf. Well that was then, I have learned and I have made those little mental notes for next time. I sure hope Yadnus doesn't forget the jacket and shirt, I think this shirt is starting leave a print on my skin.

I was making my way past luggage looking for a vantage point to keep tabs on Raffie, he honestly didn't think I was going to give up so easy I hope. There he was, there was a big goon with him, if this was Ruffie they sure didn't look like twins. Leather luggage, nice, but there seemed to be a lot of it, maybe some Polaroid samples for Mr. Big to look at. I sunk back in the shadows as Raffie started walking in my direction, yeah a lot of luggage. I stood as silent as a statue as Raffie walked by.

"Catch you around town pineapple, I mean senor"

Darn, how did he know I was here? Crap. I bent over and picked up the plastic grocery sack with my clothes and followed Raffie from a distance. As I entered the main concourse I spotted Yadnus and Miss Dew standing near a coffee kiosk. I didn't see if Yadnus had remembered to bring the jacket and shirt. Could be in the car.

"Hey, hey, there's my ladies."
"You get you a part time pimping job while you were down in Tijuana?"
"What? You referring to my clothes there Yadnus?"
"No I was referring to that ridiculous hat you are wearing Stone."
"I'm not wearing a hat."
"Then you were right the first time."
"Whatever, you remember to get my jacket and white shirt?"
"What jacket and white shirt?"
"The gray sports jacket out of my closet and to charge a white shirt down at Dave's Discount Clothing and Liqueur Store."
"You know Stone, you just keep getting funnier and funnier each time I talk to you. Now why should I have remembered that?"
"Because I asked you to on the phone call from Tijuana. Can't you remember?"
"Let's get something straight here, okay there Stone? First off I am not your ll_friday.girl_ll, so that means I don't do the errand thing. Second thing is that you should have packed a bag before you left and not buy a pattern for a body tattoo to wear for a shirt in Mexico and third and final thing, you honestly think I would stick my hand in your closet?"
"You could have told me that on the phone Yadnus."
"Yeah I would have too, if you had mentioned it on the phone."
"Uh, I don't mean to interrupt, but Ruffie is hailing a cab."
"Miss Dew his name is Raffie, I have been on this guy like white on pigeon poop. Yeah they look a lot alike, but Yadnus would be the first to tell you that looks can be deceiving."
"That's true Honey, to look at Stone you would think he had enough of a brain not to walk around an international airport with his fly down, but like he said, looks can be deceiving. Oh and by the way Stone, pigeon poop isn't all white."
"Okay then, the parts that are all white, I was all over him like those parts."

I answered Yadnus as I was turning around to check my fly. Crap, no wonder I was getting all those looks walking back to my seat on the plane earlier. No wonder I felt such freedom, so that was a draft I was feeling after all. I was actually thinking at the time that little dutch stew had meant something special with that little wink and smile, oh and that finger pointing to my crotch. It is amazing how sensitive the skin around that area still is.

"Time to stop worrying about my fly Yadnus and concentrate on more important things, always time for a little fun after the case."
"Don't flatter yourself there Stone, the only fun I could ever see us having is bungee jumping and only if your ankle strap came loose."
"Yeah, yeah, keep it to yourself, but we both know you want me. Now if you don't mind I have some work to do. You going to tag along?"
"I am going to come along to keep your butt out of a sling."
"I'm not into the kinky stuff, but your jealousy is kinda of cute."
"Jealous? Stone just exactly what world do you live in? What on this earth could you be dancing the horizontal bop with would I possibly be jealous of?"
"Its there Yadnus, let's not deny it, you know it, I know it, now it is just a matter of time."

We stood outside arrivals hailing a taxi, Raffie was still in the queue waiting for his driver to merge with the exiting traffic. Man this guy was just making it too easy, I mean all he was missing was a neon arrow pointing at him. We all crawled into the back of a midsized hatchback being driven by a third world refugee with a spice market in the front passenger side as a second income.

I felt I needed to post something so here is the first half of the second half of the final installment. Let's see if Stone can pull it off here, nail the bad guy and the girl all at the same time, yeah, one stone, two birds. This just may work out for ole Stone Head after all. Maybe.

Later...

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 4th & Final Installment~~San Fransisco~

Flight to San Fransisco
Part 1 of 2 of the final installment
(Yeah I thought I could finish it.)

Man I felt better now, stopped at the Mercado and found a pair of stiletto leg jeans, like a second skin, accentuates the assets you could say and a pair of ostrich quill tangerine colored zapatos, lace up. A pair of brown and white banlon sheer socks, one of those skinny brown belts with the silver tip and four different colors of the same shirt that Ruffie character wore. Flowers with naked ladies posing in the pedals. Black, red, blue and yellow, I grabbed the red one. As I was paying for it I noticed by the register they had dickies woven from chest hair.

"You sell many of these pardner?"
"You mean those chest hair dickies senor?"
"Yeah those things that say "Dickies, woven from the chest hair of convicts to further their rehabilitation.", yeah those."
"We sold one a couple seeks ago to some guy from New York. I think he is still around."
"Would his name be Raffie?"
"No, but his money did all his talking for him. He had some."
"Did he act like he was cold, I mean as if it was cooler here than where he had arrived from?"
"How much snow you see around here mister?"

He had a point, no snow here.

"So where do you think he came from then where they could have had snow?"
"I would think maybe mister where he said, New York."
"So then why did he have to come down here to cool off if it is snowing in New York? I mean a nice long walk and you could be as cool as you wanted."

There seemed to be a flaw in Raffie's story now, seems he didn't have to come to Tijuana to cool off, he could have done that in New York if he had wanted. No, there are other reasons that didn't have anything to do with climate differences here.

"Senor, there is a 15% exchange fee if you going to use American dollars."
"Yeah, whatever. Just another little scam to get more money out of me."
"Yes senor, we still have to pay the local drug lord around here so those addicts where you come from can have their fix."
"Hey pardner, you don't see that crap being shipped down here. You got your directions a little mixed up. You the one feeding the serpent Diego."
"The name is Pedro senor, not Diego."
"So you and that Juan character that owns that bar down the street kin? Same names."
"How is Pedro and Juan the same name?"
"I called him Pedro there Diego."
"You going to keep rubbing the dickie senor or would you like to buy it?"
"Sorry, was just thinking about a little Polynesian number I used to date."
"That will be $22.00 American senor."
"You got a place I can clean up, you know. I got a flight to catch this afternoon."
"Yeah, one dollar for the water, another dollar for disposal."
"Disposal of what Diego?"
"What you are wearing senor, they charge extra for bio-hazard."
"Bio-hazard? What I am wearing? Nothing wrong with it, I will clean it when I get home."
"I don't think they will let you on the plane with it senor. You should just go ahead and pay for the disposal fee."
"You just add about 20 of them pina colada car fresheners and let me worry about getting it on the plane Diego. Yeah those, 20 for a dollar there pardner."

Out back I found three poles surrounded with a piece of canvas and a water hose with a lawn sprinkler wired to a branch in the tree is was under. This was a little nicer, it was also the urinal and it hung on a hook from the handle so it could be emptied, instead of a hole punched through the bottom that let a stream out that landed between your shoes, if you were savvy to this and knew to stand with a wide stance. One of those things you just naturally pick up on little forays down to Tijuana. I looked around, I saw melting into the grass one of those complimentary hotel guest soaps, shower size too, hair gets washed today. Can't remember what a hot shower feels like, I hope this hose stretched a long way before the cold water reaches me. Bought back memories of childhood to me, dad would stretch the garden hose out in the sun and then fill it with water and then let the sun heat it up, we had what we referred to as the 50 foot hot shower. Cutting corners you get used to losing the little things, you can get just as clean in cold water as you can in hot, plus most colors do not run or do they shrink in cold water. Today was different, I didn't have time to do the laundry too, it would be just me today, something I haven't felt in a long time, being able to pee in the shower. That's a trick I learned from my dad during our communal shower times, saved on flushes, water was all going to the same place. He used to tease us a lot, look boys, hot water. It only took me two or three, maybe it was four times when I finally learned this was a grownup version of the toilet game dad taught us as a Christmas gift one drunk festive night, it was called, 'Crapper Zapper'. Friends used to tease me a lot about that, 'Hey guys, wanna go over Stone's place and leave him a few targets in the head? His birthday is coming up.' and then give me the big 'L' as they ran down the street chasing me throwing rocks and having their dogs run me up some tree so it would be easier to hit me, they always seemed to be moving target challenged, but I can attest now, they had the stationary ones nailed. Sad I can't squeeze in a little laundry, I feel as if I am wasting. Well the speedos' lines would have just shown through the jeans anyway, so I guess I can go ahead and take them off. I would call Yadnus from the airport.

Man it felt better to get some clean threads on again. At least I blend in now and I don't look like some elf that flunked out of elf school. Okay, ticket is confirmed, flights still a go and I do not see Raffie. I need a drink, a little eye opener so to say, something that says, you still have me. Liqueur, that one who never says no to a party, that one you can depend on when no one will answer their phone or open their door, when they peek out their curtains to see when you walk away, that paint over their peep hole so I can't see in or those ones with the little notes and signs on the doors, 'Leave Stone, no one home.', those little things that let you know that possibly you are not quiet as appreciated as you thought you were, but what the heck, I had a crowd of friends, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, his uncle Hiram Walker, Old Crow, Old Grand Dad, yeah, misty times friends, those friends always ready to listen, those friends that do not run away when things get a little thick or when they get a phone call from their wife, 'You better not be with that Stone character again. You know rent is due.' Yeah friends that unless you push them away will always be there to brace you up, give you that courage buried deep in you, that makes a mountain more manageable and a man just another obstacle on my way to the urinal.

"Yadnus, its me, Stone."
"Stone who?"
"Oh man, its me Stone, Yadnus, Stone Head."
"Maybe we should get you one of the sticky lapel stickers with your name on it, it will save on a lot of confusion, yours."
"Listen, I am at the airport in Tijuana, that Raffie character I brushed on last time, well he is taking a flight to San Fransisco same time I am. Little strange, don't you think?"
"Yeah Stone, you're right it is strange he would be going to San Fransisco during the holiday season, I think maybe you got a conspiracy going there with every passenger on the plane, if I were you I would keep a close eye on all of them."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, I think this Raffie character is an associate of this Ruffie that Miss Dew talks about."
"Uh you think so Stone? Just a little bit?"
"I think they are into some kind of Polaroid film scam and trying to get Mr. Big in on it for backing."
"Why do I bother watching the Comedy Channel, when all I have to do is wait on you to call? Okay, I'll bite, what tells you that there is a Polaroid scam going on?"
"This Raffie perp said he had a Polaroid invitation."
"Stone are you really missing the obvious here or are you just playing a roll you can't seem to get out of? You know Stone, if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck and poops on the sidewalk like a duck, chances are it isn't a dog."

Now even I know she is trying to say something, just not quite clear as to what it may be.

"Yeah, that's what I told myself, so you think these two guys are associates too?"
"No, what I think is that you can't seem to put one and one together and come out with the same number twice in a row."

I knew it was three, I just didn't feel the need to put her in her place. You know how women can get if they think you don't agree with them.

"So you got any leads on this Ruffie character Yadnus?"
"Strangely enough I do. Seems he left New York in a hurry, headed for Mexico, Tijuana to be exact."
"I don't have time to go and look for him, if you would have given me this information the last time we talked, then maybe I would have had time, but now I have to catch a flight Babe."
"Babe? You hear me oink when I answered the phone Stone? Open your ears, your eyes, open something down there besides your fly moron. You don't think this Ruffie and Raffie guy is a little strange? You only hear of Ruffie leaving New York, but Raffie lands?"
"They could have exchanged tickets during flight."
"Yes Stone and your mom didn't have to repeatedly drop you on your head as a baby, but she did. Can't you see that these two guys are the same person?"
"So you think they are twins? Why didn't I see that?"
"Stone you ever get lonely?"

Here it is, the 'do you ever get lonely' line, that 'its time we did it' line. I love questions with hidden meanings. I knew she couldn't hold out, I don't care how professional they are, they always sink to my level.

"Well yeah I do get lonely, but right now you up there and I am down here. We can always grab some air time on the flight back home, if you know what I mean."
"I'm glad to see that you're used it."
"Loneliness is part of the game Yadnus, part of the game. Yeah, the game."
"Just don't miss that flight while you are chiseling that statue and keep an eye out for the Polaroid gang."
"I'm starting to think you know something about this Yadnus. Polaroid contact you?"

Seems I had stumbled in on something that I didn't know quite what it was, but one thing I can tell you about it, it smelled of fish, well maybe not exactly like fish, more like crap, then again crap is a bit heavy, maybe something between stinking like fish and crap, something that mingles the two, brings them together to create their own unique aroma. Yeah that's it, now I know the smell, it's the crapper door on a commercial tuna fishing boat, that perfect balanced blend of each and each bringing its bouquet to its fullest aroma, 'eau de toilet le tuna boat crapper door', I just created another sense trigger mechanism, now every time I smell that smell, I will be reminded of this case and seeing how my office is located between a fish processing factory and a a waste water treatment plant, I guess I will be reminded of this case often. One good thing about my office location, if you had a bad lunch, hey whose to know if it was you are not? I really need to get some methane sensors.

"Just make sure you're on the plane to San Fransisco and whatever you do, if you find a clue, stumble, trip, slip and fall on a clue, do nothing with it until you get to San Fransisco. I do not care if Raffie is sitting in your lap begging you to take him to the police, wait, don't do a thing, just get that wasted, I don't have a clue, lights on, but nobody's home look, you know, your normal look. We'll meet you at the airport. You got that?"
"Yeah, yeah I got it, carry on, low profile, reconnoiter the situation and come up with a game plan. During which time I will be all over Raffie like flies on a Mexican bar towel, I will be all over him. You got nothing to worry about this way Yadnus, it is under control, for the most part, well for part of it anyway, okay, it has a toe hold. Oh crap these are just the narrative thought fillers. Crap did I say it out loud again?"
"Yeah you said it out loud there Stone. I would ask you to focus but I am afraid there might be a little senorita there in a tight skirt selling her melons and then I would lose you again, so just don't forget to catch the plane."

Oh yeah, that's why I am at the airport, catch a plane. Hey there's Raffie having a drink at the bar. One of those fruity pineapple drinks, wonder why he's here. Think he is going to meet with this Ruffie punk before he catches his plane for San Fransisco? I still don't get the connection, spelled completely different, come from two different breweries, totally opposite of where they are located on the Hudson, so what if they both from New York, both fill beer barrels, both have Polaroid film, which I might remind you is no crime in itself to possess film, it is perfectly legit to walk around with Polaroid film in your pocket, they kind of look same, well according to vague descriptions by the victim, I still hadn't seen the small hair scar about a centimeter long next to right eye she said he had and so what if they both knew Mr. Big and both had business with him. Doesn't mean they are the same person, maybe twins.

"Hey you that hombre at Juan's earlier today?"

He startled me, I must have wandered off for a moment. I didn't see him get off his bar stool and walk completely across the bar to my table, well maybe I subconsciously noticed it, well I probably noticed but but blocked it out. Its these kinds of things that interrupt my train of thought. I looked up at him.

"Yeah, I'm that hombre."
"I didn't notice you at first, I mean you're not exactly dressed the same. Santa fire you and ask for the uniform back?"

Mr. Tough-guy. Yeah I've dealt with hundreds like him before, well maybe not hundreds, but a couple of dozen at least, yeah, okay, seven, it was seven of them I dealt with before, at least I am a fast healer. A little neosporin and some Mighty Mouse band aids and I am good to go, well maybe not exactly good to go, but I am mobile, that is unless the prescription says no driving or operating heavy machinery due to drowsiness. Heck, I drive when I sleep and I am still alive. So maybe then I will have to use a taxi or bum rides from friends. Well if Yadnus isn't doing anything, then maybe I would probably most likely see if she would drive me.

"No, I got it right here in this bag."
"Please senor, put the bag down, I just finished a very large meal."
"You don't like pineapples Sancho?"
"Not at the moment senor and it is Raffie, not Sancho as you seemed to have called me.
"Raffie, Sancho, Diego, Ruffie, is there really a big deal in a name? I mean it is nice to get pinned with a really cool one like mine, Stone. I mean with my name you can just about do anything, professional landscaping, sounds cool, doesn't it? 'Stone's Landscaping', yeah cool. I could be a mason and do rock work, 'Stone Head Mason', I mean some cool stuff when you think about it, yeah, I could even farm pot and have a cool name, "Stone's Medicinal Marijuana Farm', I mean that is just totally cool."

Note to self, copy-write the medicinal herb farm thing, could be worth millions. I sure hope Yadnus doesn't forget the gray jacket and white shirt. Jeans looking cool in my reflection, glad I decided not to wear the speedos, good to go commando every now and then, let the boys out to roam you could say. Yeah, looks cool, just like my name. Stone, Stone Cold. Hm, could prove profitable to change my last name, would look good on a business card.

"Hey hombre, I am talking to you, you still in the conversation?"

There it is, something else distracting me and derailing my train of thought again.

"Yeah, I'm still in the conversation Sancho."
"You know you think you're going to get to me by calling me Sancho, but I have you figured out hombre, yes, think about that, I have you figured out. You think I am going to get all insulted, get angry and lose my cool and then you do something even more stupid but for some idiotic reason it goes right and you look like you knew all along. I can be just as stupid as you senor, trust me, I am good at this."
"I don't doubt you for a moment Sancho, but that is a hard goal to undertake, not too many more stupid than me out there. They say I am gifted."
"Yeah, gifted like a Christmas fruit cake."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means if I were choosing sides for a soccer game and all the choice I had was between you and a box of rocks, I would choose the box senor."
"Yeah, as if you can talk, look at the shirt you're wearing, oh yeah, real taste there. Naked ladies on flower pedals."
"I see you purchased the red one senor."
"They look better with jeans."

This one is sly. He peddled around the block before and possibly on his on without the training wheels. Yeah he cut those tied to momma apron strings early, my mom finally changed the locks when I turned 32. On my own for the first time in life, no where to go except for some two bit bug infested flop house or there was uncle Ray, I just had to get by the thought of him wearing that pale blue cocktail dress with the low cut back, now if he would just wax his back it would probably look real nice on him, but for now he looks like he wearing a fur wrap under the dress. Yeah uncle Ray always had boobs, he said it was because he drank so much milk as a kid, cheerios taste much better with koolaid. I remember when he had to stay with us when I was a kid, he would walk around without his shirt a lot when it was hot and I think it kind of was cool with dad or something, I mean I think he liked it, I heard him say to mom once she ought to ask him how he keeps them so perky.

"Hey, your plane still on radar? You eat something bad or something?"
"Just thinking Sancho, just thinking."
"Man I thought you may have bought some tamales off a street vendor, hey senor you ever notice no stray animals near street vendors and that they all sell fuzzy key chains?"
"No, I am wondering why you are still wearing that chest hair dickie."

I realize now that maybe reaching over and grabbing a hand full of that chest hair dickie and jerking may not have been the smartest plan to come up with, but I thought I had all the evidence I needed. The only chest hair dickie sold in a week and this guy is sporting it. Apparently he wasn't wearing a woven chest hair dickie, the flying fist should have told me that, fortunately I learned early in life how to duck, you could say I have made it an art form. As his hand smashed against the 4x4 or a 10.16x10.16, for those on the metric system, post, I side stepped to the left and let my right slide right behind it.

"What's your freaking problem gringo? You like pulling men's chest hairs or does it go a little deeper than that? Cause I am not cut from that man, just because I had to spend two years in prison, hey man you got to do what you got to do to survive, and Tomas was good to me."
"Just thought you were the New Yorker that purchased a woven chest hair dickie from the Mercado last week."
"Why would I need to buy a woven chest hair dickie gringo? This is all me man."
"Yeah, whatever, could have glued it on or something."
"Why would I glue it on?"
"Complete the disguise Sancho."
"The disguise senor? Would it not be more sensible to disguise the face?"
"Now listen Sancho I don't know what you are into and I am not really going to take it there, for all I know you walk your chihuahua wearing a pink tutu. Heck for all I know you could have a matching outfit."
"One little fleeting little fetish and no one will let you live it down, I just wanted to see what it was like. Okay? How did you know about the ballerina outfit? Anyway, uh, I don't have it anymore, I gave it to my niece. Yeah that's what I did with it, I gave it to my niece."
"So you have to do anything special with it when you wash it? I mean that is a lot of hair."
"I have a barber that keeps it in shape, then just normal shampooing and conditioning.
"Yeah that's about all this little Polynesian number I used to date did with hers."
"You dated a girl with the chest hairs senor?"
"Hereditary, came from her mom's side of the family."
"You sure she just hadn't completed her hormone therapy yet?"
"Hey you never saw her, man she was beautiful, the way she could pull in those nets loaded with fish, wrestle and bring down the strongest man on that little island where she stole my heart."
'Yeah I am sure she was a real dream senor."

Yeah I know what you are thinking, how is this line of conversation going to get me any information. I am lulling him into a false sense of security, I will make him feel comfortable and then throw him completely off guard with a question about the case.

"So Sancho, you been in the Polaroid film business very long?"
"I don't know what you mean senor, I work for a brewery, not the photo mart."
"Word is that you got Polaroid invitations to Mr. Big's big Christmas party and you plan on showing them to him."
"Yeah and I plan to expose, I mean show myself to Margaret Thatcher, but her security always so tight."
"Come on Raffie, what is this Polaroid film scam you got going? You have a guy on the inside sending you shipments, you know rerouting a few boxes your way?"
"You know senor if I were you I would see if that diploma you found in that box Cracker Jacks is real."
"Don't you worry about that diploma, I graduated Cracker Jack cum Laud, placed highest score in the class, next to this guy from Pakistan and another from Libya, so what there was only three in the class. At least I went most of the time."
"Sounds very prestigious."
"So Raffie, what's the deal with this Mr. Big? You got a partner in on this, like maybe someone named Ruffie?"
"I don't know any Ruffie."
"Struck a nerve there, didn't I?"
"I am fixing to strike a nerve senor. I think you need to find something else to talk about."
"Getting a little close to home there Sancho?"

Yeah this guy knows something he isn't talking about. I can feel it, I would like to feel that monkey he got on his chest right now, darn I miss that girl. A few more questions and I might have what I have been wanting, a break in this Polaroid scam I seem to have uncovered. Yeah, poke, prod and parry, just like the Musketeers used to do it. Play with him, I mean that in the mental sense, a little cat and mouse and this guy will be spilling his guts like an exploding can of pork and beans. Yeah I should have known to open the can first, hey trial and error and I have only done it maybe, twice, okay three times, four at the most, but the point is, next time I place a can of them on the stove, I will have the can open. Stop shaking your head, I will have the can open next time. Maybe, if I don't forget. A lot of things go through this head, important stuff sometimes too. Well stuff anyway.

"So Ruffie, how did you get invited to this shindig?"
"It is Raffie senor, I don't trip that easily."
"How did an invitation just happen to land in your hands?"
"I opened an envelope one day and it was there."
"A Polaroid invitation?"
"Maybe his pen ran out of ink."
"Or maybe, and I am just throwing this out there, Ruffie sent them to you."
"Senor you seem to have a lot of questions without answers."
"Not really Sancho, just one important question, that's all."
"And what is that important question senor? Maybe I can help you with it."
"Maybe you can at that."

Now he is curious, he is nibbling at the bait. I'll let him play with it a while before I set the hook and start reeling him in.

Next: Flight to San Fransisco Part 2 of 2 (maybe)
Yeah, whatever, I thought I would have finished it in a single installment.

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 3rd Installment~~Raffie~

Raffie

Raffie, the desire of Senorita Nina, the mysterious man from New York where at present he finds the climate in Tijuana cooler than in the Big Apple. The bruised apple of her eye, but something was telling my more cautious senses, those synapse firing off warning signals that there was a worm in this apple, or either that it was the frayed wire to the blinking neon cervesa sign I was leaning against, but either way something told me I should go to the restroom.

As I stood over the five gallon polypropylene styrene bucket, man I never regret buying word for the day calendars, nailed to the wall out back between the wall and a row of yellow bushes I contemplated the case. Miss Dew is being blackmailed over some seedy perverted survival pictures Ruffie took when her and this Ruffie get lost, but later finds it is a scam to blackmail her for more favors, favors, now that could be a clue. I mean what kind of favors could a low life scum like Ruffie have in mind? How to survive a freeway shutdown during rush hour keeping our sanity by rubbing our more "active areas"? Now I have to admit the old "lost in the cooler vault" approach was slick and note worthy for a sleuth to file away for future cases. Maybe he is wanting a piece of Mr. Big's action, a noise to my left caught my attention, it was Nina standing there.

"Hey stop shaking that thing, you think Raffie going to stay all day?"

She startled me, I jerked to my left quickly, ready to take matters in hand if need be. Standing there like a tempered steel spring, tightly coiled, ready to spring at a split second's notice. She stared at me, then her gaze dropped and a smile covered her face.

"Hola Mr. Elf, you going to introduce me to your friend?"

I looked down to where her eyes had settled, oh crap, I forgot to put the tiger back in his cage! I put everything back where it belonged and straightened my tie. My face looked a little red, must be the sun.

"Awe now you didn't have to send your friend away before you introduced us. I would consider the elf fetish, providing no spurs involved."
"What about this Raffie guy? I thought it was his attention you were wanting."
"What about Raffie? Not like it is, you could say chiseled in stone, now is it?"
"Yeah, yeah, stone, Stone I get it. The chisel stays in the toolbox."

This is what is referred to as a private investigator's moral dilemma. I am sure you can see it, I mean it is as plain as the freaking elf's suit I am wearing. Here it is, being offered to me on a silver platter, well maybe more like a buffet table, a little something for everyone so to say and my stupid agreement I have with some dame that was given survival lessons by someone less than certified to do so. Crap, a freaking misdemeanor, not even a real crime. ( you will please note how logic in this case is the fact Stone now is thinking with his less than multifunctional head. (not to say that the other one isn't functional at all. doctors said that with an active lifestyle, some mental challenges to sharpen his edge, he should regain full, well almost full use of his left side of the brain.)) So what should I do? Squeeze Nina for any possible information or go with the original plan and actually do what I was hired to do? See, an honest moral dilemma. We are confronted with them constantly, I winged him, he looks a lot like the guy who did it, well, same shirt, okay it is blue too, well kinda blue, no one around, who's to say he didn't do it? I mean I can't get his side of the story being unconscious and all from that nasty chest wound, okay, I thought I winged him. Could be days before someone found him way out here, yeah probably a week or better, anyway not that, that actually happened or anything, just an example of a moral dilemma, I think I learned it in PI School, yeah. PI School that was where I learned it.

"You going to stand there and decide what you going to do or you going to do that favor for Juan?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm coming, just had to think out how I was going to approach this."
"Why not like the others do it?"
"How's that?"
"Hey Sweetness, how much?"

There he was, Raffie. The waitress had just set his food in front of him, he was inhaling, drool gathering in the corner of his sneer. This show wasn't going to be pretty, not pretty at all. They say you can tell a lot about how a man makes love by the way he eats, looks as if Raffie has settled for a lot of pork in his life. I was amazed to see the toothpick hanging from the corner of his mouth while he ate, a bit of dexterity involved there. Dexterity is related to agility and agility would determine his ability and its his ability with that knife that concerns me most. Nina walked into the cafe area, she nodded towards Raffie, he just glanced up and continued the carnage he called eating. She looked my way, slunk into a pose for me and then she winked and said;

"You fall off Santa's sled or he give you to me for Christmas?"

I gave her my most suave look, pushed my hair back with one hand;

"You sure you can handle this package?"
"Oh I can handle packages. What kind of package you got for Nina?"
"I got a ride for you that no sit and spin, hot glue gun and vibrator can ever do you for you Senorita."
"What's a sit and spin and hot glue gun?"

I eased up beside her and let my hand graze across her more liquidable asset as I pretended to reach for a toothpick.

"Mmm, that is tighter than the skin on a bongo."
"Why don't you see if maybe you can keep a beat cowboy."

She squeezed past me making an excuse to go to the lady's room.

"You a tent salesman cowboy?"
"No, why you ask?"
"Just wanted to know if that was a tent in your pants or maybe I erected that pole for you."

So the banter went back and forth, one sexual innuendo that led to nowhere, but it caught Raffie's attention. He sat there staring, glowering if it gets more people to read this, a glower much better than a stare with a reader, shows impending excitement on the horizon. If it is just a stare then the reader could think the stare meant, "That guy some kind of idiot or something?" So expressions are very important to relate to a reader in a story, it gives them that visual, that chance to step into the character's emotional experience and feel what they feel, oh yeah, wandered for a moment, taking a correspondence course in creative writing and I have an assignment due soon. Whoa there peaches, seems Raffie just pushed the two girls sitting on each side of him away and told them to leave his table and then his glare turned to me. He looked me up and down as if he were sizing me for a coffin, his right eye twitching.

"Size me right, that twitch could add a few inches."
"Oh I can size you."
"That's what your wife said last night too."

Yeah I know, not a good thing to come out poking a bear with a sharp stick so quick, but its the way I do things, they are cocky, sure of them self and they make mistakes, that is when I jump. That mistake is their weakness, that moment their guard is down, the gazelle drinking, quenching its thirst, unsuspecting of the ravenous lion in the tall grass. Legs like coiled tempered steel springs, fists that fly like bricks in a tornado, this could just be my chance to put those self defense lessons to use I took through the mail, 'How to Defend Yourself and Work on That Self Confidence, Providing That You Aren't a Sniveling Coward'. Raffie put his left foot forward, the one where I saw the outline of the haft of a knife. Slowly letting my eyes drop I look, there it is. Crap, he is fixing to escalate this to a level that mail order course didn't, actual violence. Bend back, twist and then pivot left, unless it is morning and the sun is in your eyes and it is a fortnight since the last full moon and provided he did not take the same course, then maybe just a few flesh wounds, maybe one penetrating stab wound, but nothing vital severed or pierced. It was in the way you presented yourself the course said. Oh man, he is bending over now, towards his left boot. Eyes shift left, then right, two windows, a hall to the back door to my right, plate glass window and steel front door to my left, damage assessment now. No, not to the property, to me. My sight returns to Raffie, he has pulled the pant leg covering his left boot up, his other hand reaching for the haft, oh geeze, now what was it that it said? Try grovelling, begging, crying, offering other ones up, 'Selective Reasoning Why it Shouldn't Be You' or 'Who Said We Were All In This Together?' It was how well you paid attention when reading it that determined what you learned, now if learning happened to coincide with something I wanted to do because I enjoyed and it made me feel good, then maybe I didn't pay quite as much attention to that chapter as I should have, but it in no way means that I am not at least familiar with it. Just not as familiar as I should be in moments like this.

Options, what are my options? Let's see, I could grab Nina and shove her at him and then run to the back door, grabbing Juan next and putting one more between me, Raffie and the back door and if all true Mexican dishwashers prove, show up at the wrong time and bingo, tic, tac and a toe, three in a row and the back door is mine, one of em has to put up some kind of fight. That was a good option, a workable plan, clean, neat and no one important hurt, like myself. Yeah that would have been the sensible plan, the highest yield option, but who listens to sensible ideas during moments like these? Oh he is starting to pull it out. You ever notice it is times like these you find you wished you had taken care of a particular body function? I had been taken it in, but not let that much out, I was always one of those macho, 'No problemo pardner, I can hold it. That's what men do.' Seems we really should scratch that one out of the old handbook, I think empty bladders are much better to have in situations such as these. Oh man he is swinging his arm back. Quickly I swing into a defensive mode and cross arms over head, tucking chin down against chest. There now, he had two forearms to hack through until he could do any real damage. Then I heard Nina's cry. Oh gee, why didn't I just go and pee before all of this started?

"Ohhhhhh, Raffie, mijo, su es muy magnifico."

I peeked through one eye, I saw the flash, I heard the click of the blade as it locked into place and I felt that familiar dampness as I really wished I had went and relieved myself before all of this. Man, that still stung, didn't think it would still be that sensitive by now, that was last winter. His hand flicked forward and my right sock acted like a wick and started filling my shoe, his hand right above his forehead, the glare of the light drowning out the shape of the blade, switch blade, butterfly knife, jack knife or a very sharp pen knife. He drug it back along his hair, wait, he drug a knife or razor back along his hair? Now even I couldn't see the logic in this, so there must be something to it, so I opened the other eye. A comb, a freaking comb, no knife, no razor, just a comb, a comb I pissed my pants for, oh let's not forget, dressed like an elf and pissed my pants for. Yeah. Mental note to self, call Yadnus have her pick up gray suit, stop by Dave's Discount Clothing and Liqueur Store and put a white shirt on my tab there.

Raffie straightened up and looked over at Nina and thin flicked his head and said;

"Nina, aqui, pronto."

Nina looked at me and said;

"Mr. Elf, listen I am really sorry, but I have to weigh my options here, Raffie or you, Raffie or you, Raffie or you."
"Okay, okay, you don't have to keep repeating yourself."
"You know Mr. Elf looking at Raffie, then looking at you it is easy to understand my choice and the reasons are very noticeable."
"Yeah? Just how are they so noticeable?"
"Mr. Elf, please look at Raffie and then look in the big mirror behind the bar, please what is the first thing that strikes you as what could be called obvious?"
"Well maybe the way we're dressed."
"Yeah, you think maybe? You see him dressed as Santa's little helper? What else?"
"What? I don't know, you tell me."
"Well for one, his pants are dry. Two he don't have flies flying around him. You know I really like that fruit smell on a man, especially with lime and lemon, but the flies Mr. Elf were beginning to bother me. I can put up with a lot of things Mr. Elf, but come on, look in the mirror again, besides, at least you did that favor for Juan."

That's right, the information about Mr. Big, Juan has it and now that my deal has been done with the wanted results, let's see what Juan has for me. I walk back to the door frame of the kitchen and poke my head in to see if Juan is in.

"Hey Pedro, that you over there?"
"Man senor, how many times I have to tell you it is Juan, not Pedro?"
"Yeah, whatever, what is it you have on Mr. Big? Our deal about to be closed and I will be out of your life."
"Senor, if I would have known you would have just left, you would be gone by now. Get back out of my kitchen, senor even we have health laws. Walking around like a freaking fly trap, fruit juice starting to sour, man you going to be ripe soon."
"Just tell me what you know about Mr. Big, we had a deal, remember?"
"Si I remember senor. Here it is, Mr. Big is up in San Fransisco, he is going to be having some kind of Christmas party for his associates."
"Oh crap Pedro. Even I knew that. Heck, you could have overheard me talking to know that."
"Yes I know senor and I did several times."
"So if you knew already that your information was the same as mine, why didn't you stop me and tell me?"
"I really needed that favor senor."
"Your sister couldn't have done that herself?"
"She don't perform too well alone if you know what I mean. She still paying for her cam space on the internet."
"What kind of favor could you have owed to be so low?"
"It was a little problem with the health department, my sister's business and the fact that this is an eating establishment, something about code violations and live pornography. I had to give things a little push."
"You owe me Pedro, I knew this, so you are not telling me new information on Mr. Big."
"It was new to me senor. How was I to know you already knew?"
"What am I supposed to do with you, compare notes first?"
"It would help and save you a lot of trouble in the future."
"Well your information didn't help any Pedro, you're going to have to cough up something else I could use."
"How about I didn't hear it from you senor? But rather you solidified the information, it was no longer just speculation and rumor, it was fact now that Mr. Big is in San Fransisco and throwing a big Christmas party for his associates. You were kind of like what National Geographic calls the 'missing link' senor."

Missing link. Wasn't that something about monkeys? Juan just insult me and call me a monkey? I don't know what it was, whether it was the fact that the fruit juices started to ferment and I was soaking the alcohol through my skin, or that the fumes from the fermentation process were causing my head to go giddy, but this guy sounded smart now, I mean he made sense. Man I am sure craving a banana right now.

"You said you didn't hear this from me?"
"No senor, not from you."
"Who then?"
"It was from Raffie senor."
"Raffie?"
"Si, Raffie."
"So it was Raffie who told you this?"
"Si senor, it was Raffie that told me this."
"You're not mistaken?"
"Unless he has a twin brother or dual personalities, I am sure it was Raffie."
"Stranger things have happened."
"Si senor, you have proven that one."
"What else did he tell you?"
"That he was going to the party, said he had Polaroid invitations to the party. His plane leaves this afternoon for San Fransisco."

Polaroid invitations. Who would want to take pictures of invitations? Unless, which is becoming an even stronger possibility, that these Polaroid invitations were the pictures Miss Dew was telling me about. Now there is a bit of information I couldn't have got anywhere but in Tijuana. But how was this Raffie character connected to all of this? He too have business with Mr. Big? Maybe he was that Ruffie guy's contact man out here, something with bootleg instant photo paper. Too much about pictures and Polaroids being talked about here. Who knows, maybe even Polaroid will throw a few coins in the hat if I uncover a major Polaroid film bootleg ring. Man this is getting deep. His plane leaves this afternoon, only one leaving for San Fransisco this afternoon, looks like we take the flight together.

I nodded at Juan and then glanced at the neon beer clock, 12:23. More than enough time to stop by the Mercado and grab something a little less rancid to wear.

Next: Flight to San Fran
Continued

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 2nd Installment~~Tijuana~

Tijuana

Four twenty am, made good time driving down it seems, now find a likely watering hole where I can uh, get some information. I spotted it, Juan's Juan Mo Time, a dive, but it looked like it had possibilities, it was 4:25am and it was still open. Yes it had possibilities.

"Nachos, uno cervesa por favor."

A few minutes later the bartender placed a plate of corn chips with melted cheese and a warm beer.

"Hey, I didn't order these."
"Yes senor you did order them. You said Nachos and one beer."
"Yeah, nachos, like in beunos nachos amigo. You know, good evening."
"That is beunos noches, not nachos senor. You eat nachos."
"Noches, nachos, damn confusing language."
"Not confusing to me senor."
"¿Puedo obtener alguna información sobre Mr Big aquí?"
"You mean Biggies Bigs senor?"
"Si, Biggie Big Pedro."
"Its Juan senor, or this place would be called Pedro's Place."
"Juan, Pedro, its all the same. Entonces, ¿qué puedes decirme acerca de Mr Big?"
"Senor, why you keep speaking in Spanish?"
"So no one understands what we are talking about."
"Look around you senor, tell me what do you see."
"Locals, Mexicans, why?"
"You think they don't understand Spanish?"
"Okay, you got me there Pedro. You know pig latin?"
"What you want to know Senor?"
"You heard anything about Mr. Big, where he is at, what plans he got cooking?"
"Yeah senor I know something, but it will cost you."
"How much Pedro?"
"Its good information senor, what is it worth to you?"
"A fin?"
"Five dollars? Senor why Americans so funny or why they think we just accept anything you throw at us?"
"Okay Pedro I get your point here. How much is it going to cost me?"
"Not money senor. I have plenty money."
"Then what is it you want?"
"I have a sister senor, a well, a sister with a wonderful personality like you Americans say."
"Oh a sister with a wonderful personality."
"Yes senor, a wonderful personality."
"And a lot of her to go around I am sure Pedro."
"Is that a remark about her weight senor?"
"Why Pedro, is she fat? One too many tamales?"
"Now why you want to say that senor? My sister is lovely."
"And has a wonderful personality Pedro, you forgot that one."
"Does it ever make you wonder senor?"
"Does what ever bother me Pedro?"
"Never mind senor, we'll just keep doing it."
"So what is that you would like me to do for this information?"
"You see senor my sister has liked this one gentleman for a very long time, but it seems that he cannot see her beauty or the advantages she offers. All I want you to do is pay a little attention to my sister today so that it would be noticed by this one particular gentleman my sister has chosen. A small enough favor for what I offer you senor, don't you think?"
"So let me get this straight, for the information you will give only if I pay your sister a bit of attention while in the presence of this particular dude your sister has singled out as the weakest in the herd and needs a little help going in for the kill."
"If that's the way you want to look at it senor, si."
"And this information is the latest on Mr. Big?"
"Yes, I just find out about it myself senor."
"I knew I would have luck in Tijuana, you got a deal Pedro."

So Pedro, I mean Juan, he too sensitive on that issue if you ask me, filled me in on his sister's gentleman friend, I referred to him as "the kill". Well anyway, now where have I heard that? Never mind, as I was saying, anyway he gave me the skinny on this guy Raffie. Came from New York a while back, worked as a barrel filler at a brewery on the Hudson, river, yeah, yeah, I know what you are thinking, but this is a different one, instead of being near a slaughterhouse and a tannery, it is near a tannery and a slaughterhouse, two completely different things and I am sure two different men. He was here because New York was getting too hot and he needed to find a place and chill a while, which got me think if it is cooler in Tijuana than New York and it is the middle of winter, darn global warming coming down like a freight train. He then filled me in on his sister and her little obsession with men, which sounded more to me like she majored in Kama Sutra in school and then managed to turn it into a hobby.

Raffie came in at 11:00am sharp every day. Ordered same dish every day, meneudo, a savory blend of tripe with chilies and other gastronomic anomalies, chorizo con huevos, fritos de papas and coffee. His sister would be in around nine and I should clean up. I stepped out back where there was an old cast iron sink basin bolted to the wall and a water hose wired to a nail, figured this was the hospitality room. He stepped out a back door and handed me a damp bar rag to dry with, said he cleaned up a rum fruit drink so I should smell okay. I hung my jacket and shirt on a limb of a tree and started hosing down my head, getting some of the road grit off, I'll get those windows fixed soon, I thought about this information Juan has, must be good if he just got it, maybe it could lead to some larger high profile job, I mean who knows? Mr. Big knows a lot of people, stepped on a lot of toes, parlayed a lot of favors and is sitting fat, a fat little plumb ripe for picking. This may be the ticket out of Rutville, cruising on Easy Street and writing my own ticket. Yeah, it's moments like these you realize that maybe this time you didn't step in horse crap and you could come out smelling like a rose. Yeah we'll get this done, maybe even call it a favor for the little lady, get the foot in the door with Mr. Big, well maybe I'll take 10% off expenses. I got people breathing down my neck for a little bit of the green too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Senor, my sister she is here now, hurry."
"Yeah, sure Pedro just a few more minutes."

I was looking at my shirt, it had seen better days. Used to be white, but I am kinda leaning more to the gray side, more a yellowish gray, it has to be that detergent I am showering with, it just not getting the clothes white. I looked at the bar rag, those red stains, hm. I walked over to my shirt and started making streaks down it with the red stained bar rag, working it in it started to look pretty good, some of the edge techno cutting crap kind of thing, you know industrial colors, high tech, at least it looked different. I looked over at my jacket, dark green, should have worn the gray one. There was a polished hub cap nailed to the tree, I slipped my jacket on and looked. Damn elf. Red shirt and green jacket, a damn elf, but at least the shirt smelled good. Made note to self to start saving all the paper towels used to wipe up fruit juice spills. Cutting corners, what can I say? I am my parent's son.

I should call Yadnus and let her know that I am going to be in possession of some very valuable information concerning Mr. Big. Straightening my tie, gold tie, streaked red shirt, green jacket, Tijuana Santa Claus, first one sits in my lap I am going to shove a candy someplace they couldn't possibly thought possible. Walking through the front door of Juan's Juan Mo Time, I gazed casually across the room, smelled like urine, then around the corner she walked. I thought I was going to have to duct tape my jaw in place, it hit the floor when she entered, I mean you couldn't have stacked bricks any tighter. I dropped my gaze when she looked towards me, looked at her with head tilted forward slightly, sneer on my lips and introduced myself.

"Buenos dias Chiquita. Mi es Stone, Stone Head y su nombre es?"
"Well it is not Chiquita Mr. Elf."
"Okay Senorita, what is it that they call you?"
"That depends on "who" they are Mr. Elf."
"Yeah, what did your brother grow up calling you?"
"Stupid Bitch."
"Alright, what did your teachers call you?"
"Absent most of the time, the other times it was just "that girl" seems they do not understand how I graduated from school seeing how I spent so much time in his office, what they refuse to admit to themselves, that is how I graduated."
"What do your parents call you?"
"You pregnant again?"
"Crap. What is your name?"
"Why you not just ask that the first time and not what everyone else calls me?"
"Yeah, yeah, my mistake. So what is your name?"
"Nina."
"Nina. Well Nina it is nice to meet you."
"I sure for you it is, but you wouldn't be exactly my first choice Mr. Elf."
"So did Juan speak to you?"
"Juan speaks to me every day, 'Nina, you can't be doing that in the booths or Nina, you cannot use the bathrooms as your private offices and No Nina, I will not install a two way mirror between the men's and women's room so you can screen you perspective boyfriends.' crap like that."
"I mean he talk to you about you and me?"
"Okay cowboy, now I don't know what Juan may have told you, but I do not take a relative's referral, they usually a lot like you, except not dressed like a big elf and that is another thing, I do not do fetishes, if you got something you need scratched, you need to learn to scratch it for yourself because cowboy I am not going there. Find someone else to dig spurs into and slap on the rear yelling Viva Zapata."
"Yelling Viva Zapata? Why would I want to yell that?"
"Either way it is $50.00 an hour, 15% minimum gratuity and a minimum of 2 hours, unless it is past midnight, then you pay for 3 and get 4. No funny clothes, no diaper changing and pay in advance."
"No, no you got it all wrong."
"Well it is not free cowboy. I don't care what Juan told you."
"It has nothing to do with that."
"So you just want to watch? That costs too."
"Listen, I'm a private investigator out of Los Angeles down here working a case."
"Ah, you like to take pictures of me and your "case" in a more relaxed atmosphere? That costs too."
"Nah, Juan has some information about the case I am working on and he said if I paid attention to you a little, you know slap the rear, whistle and maybe a squeeze or two while Raffie is here watching, maybe making him realize that he should pay more attention to you and for that Juan will give me the information."
"So you pay me attention while Raffie watches and he gets jealous because he thinks you and I are shaking the moraccas in bed and he gives you another reason to grow a second chin, to hide that nasty scar on your neck."
"From what I understand he doesn't pay you any attention at all, gives it all to the other ladies."
"You think I am not good enough for him cowboy?"
"I didn't say that. Listen you want to do this or not?"

Well on about eleven that morning he shows up. Skin tight silk shirt opened to his navel with some kind of flowers with naked ladies posing inside them and it was also the exact same pattern he had chosen for his body tattoo. A pair of Levi 505s, two sizes too small and a pair of cockroach corner killing boots, you know, those real pointed toe boots, dyed tangerine and turquoise and gold chains around his neck. I could see the outlined haft of a knife through his jeans, he had it inside left his boot. He wore a black Clint Eastwood style hat, you know the one, he wore it in the movie 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'. I don't know to what part he associated himself to, but I am betting it wasn't the good or bad. I thought this guy was wearing a mohair ascot there was so much fur and probably the reason he couldn't button his shirt. This guy was the poster child for ugly and not in the cute ugly way either, I mean if you beat him with a club it would have been an improvement ugly. Some ladies are attracted to that, that rugged look as they call it, a man who has seen life, rugged look, that is the face of one who has kissed one too many chain link fences and forgot to duck a few times around a swinging baseball bat. I decided it was time to call Yadnus and fill her in why Raffie made himself comfortable.

"Hey Yadnus, its me."
"Me who?"
"Stone, Yadnus, Stone Head."
"You still can't make up your mind can you?"
"Listen I got a lead on Mr. Big down here. I met this Mexican bartender named Pedro, Juan, Julio, well anyway he has some information he just heard about Mr. Big and as soon as I do him this little favor he will give me the information."
"Little favor? What kind of little favor?"
"Well he has this sister and he asked me for a small favor."
"Never mind Stud, you just do what you have to do "for the case", I'm looking for this Ruffie character, I thought he might have developed a big lead for you if you found him."
"And that's why I go to Tijuana, for those kinds of leads."
"Okay Sherlock you just keep developing those leads down there. By the way, tomorrow's Christmas eve, you going to make it to San Fran?"
"Yeah, I booked a flight out of here to there for tomorrow afternoon, I'll be there in plenty of time and with what I need to close this case."
"You might start with a clue and go from there."
"So how is the little package holding up?"
"About your little package, I just want to let you know I am charging you for all of this."
"Charging me for what? All she needs is a chair to sit in."
"You owe me $785.00 to be exact."
"How do you get $785.00?"
"Oh, that is what it cost for a new toilet and the plumber to install it."
"Why do I need to pay for you a new toilet?"

So Yadnus proceeded to tell me the story of how I owe her for a new toilet. Seems the emergency crew had to break the old one to release Miss Dew's foot and to get her head unstuck, it had become wedged between the toilet and the tub. Yadnus was going to clean her shower that day with vinegar, brightens the grout and kills all the mold and mildew, well Miss Dew said that it was also good as an exfoliate for the body and told Yadnus that she would be happy to do it for her while she showered, clean the grout and exfoliate the body. While in the shower Miss Dew had noticed she let a few things go and seem they were getting a little long on hair so to say and decided to do a little upkeep maintenance, shave the legs, do a little trimming and shaping, only this is,is that she did this before the grout exfoliate thing. The next thing Yadnus heard was screaming like a cat fighting itself, so she runs into the bathroom and she said Miss Dew was dancing around in the shower like she was on fire. Before she knew it Miss Dew had jumped up into the air, had shifted her weight and when she landed her left foot went into the toilet, which threw her head forward and to the left side where her head got wedged between the toilet and the tub. She said she was very uncomfortable looking and she did not know what to do for her except call the fire department, who told her the only way they could get her unstuck was break the toilet, hence calling the plumber and getting a new toilet at holiday ream you out prices.

"Couldn't you have just greased her up with some Vaseline or lard and got her loose? She could have taken another shower, water a lot cheaper than a new toilet."
"Well that is what your running tab totals to now."
"She okay? I mean nothing that Mr. Big might get upset over?"
"Not unless he is going to blame you for her being stupid, you're safe."
"She going to be able to make it? I mean show up in San Fran?"
"Yeah, she'll be fine, she is just going to walk like she welcomed home the Navy's Fifth Fleet personally for a few days."
"I'll let you go now, time for me to get my little favor I owe done."
"Yeah, you break a leg down there."
"That is what you tell an actor before they go onstage."
"Yeah I know that Stone, I just hoped you'd break a leg while you're down there."

So I played my little performance for Raffie and an Oscar winning performance it was.

Next: Raffie
Continued

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 1st Installment~

It was the 22nd of some December at one time in my more recent or distant past, but it was like most before them have been, mundane, slow and cruelly boring. It was that "season" again that seemed to fill everyone in some sort of "altering spirit" transformation and crime just seemed to slow down. Then when I think of it, it is just times like this when things are hard, landlord banging down your door demanding his money, cut off notices from the utility companies that she knocks on the door. Not the same she each time, but her, you know who I am talking about, that one that goes knock knock and just flips your world upside down and easy street is just around the corner. I looked at my watch, 9:00pm and she hadn't knocked yes I thought to myself. I turned in my desk chair to face the window and so that when she came in I would twirl around in some dramatic moment and there she would be, tall, sultry, a slight pout on her luscious lips and a tear starting to fall from those deep smokey eyes, but then again that could have just been a reflection of the smoke stacks belching over at the incinerator, but she would be standing there. All decked out in a deep green sequined dress of some more visible revealing thin gauzy material that clung to each curve, yeah that's the way it would happen each time. Damn it looks cold out there I thought to myself, too darn cold to think about being out in, no office, no phone for business, working out of cabs and pay phones wasn't my idea of how to start a new year off. I looked down at my watch, 9:25pm and still it hadn't looked like it warmed up any outside and she hadn't shown yes either.

My name is Stone, Stone Head, private investigator specializing trying to find something to investigate. It is not as easy as it seems, not that glamorous lifestyle, driving foreign sports cars, jetting or boating about on some high profile case drinking single malt liquor. No seedy describes it in its best light, three day old coffee grounds that you pilfered from the maid's cart while she cleaned an office, at least the office next door only used theirs once and it was always on the top, an easy snatch, no one hurt and the landfill a little emptier tonight. I try to do my part to save the environment and the bonus is that I cut back on a little office overhead. It is more like bush humping, sitting behind a bush in some remote location late at night with a cheap department store one time use disposable camera watching the back end of the car I was watching bounce up and down like a '57 Chevy Belaire with bad suspension going down a rocky road. Waiting for them to give their selves up in some compromising position and hope he is at that point to where he wouldn't care if the car was on fire, he was going to finish while I ran over and switched on my lights to catch both of their faces in embarrassment and take the picture or pictures depending on how old the guy was and if he wasn't carrying a gun, but you at least got one shot and my chances of the film developing was about 50/50 seeing how I bought the cameras outside the expiration date because they were 75% off and you have to cut corners everywhere you can in these economic hardships we all are facing and if my nephew who I let develop them doesn't do it after he has tweaked his spiritual self and to this day I still do not think that was incense he was burning rolled up in that paper. To be paid squat by some husband or wife who couldn't just move on with the one they were cheating with and not trying to catch the other, but it pays the bills at times and if they are foolish enough to pay me for doing it, I would be smart and be even more foolish and accept it. Crawling around some nasty trash dumpster filled with Thai Palace Restaurant's daily lunch buffet specials for the last week and getting riper every day, with that same discounted out of expiration date disposable camera because there were still 17 exposures left watching some bookie passing on dole to some crooked cop on the take to look the other way as I gingerly applied a little foot pressure on the tail of an alley cat feasting on the ripening buffet and as his cry startled my two objects of attention I would snap and run hoping that neither recognized me as they could be help in the future, but a screaming cat running at full speed up a pants leg usually takes their eyes off me and on matters a little closer at hand and trying not to have to explain to his wife why he has claw marks running up his legs. Such is a private investigator's life, but then there is that special one that comes along, that one who is long on looks and a short attention span and with a sugar daddy's wallet deeper than crooked banker's. Mine has seemed to forgotten to wind her watch, she has yet to show up. Yeah, eaten up in debt, owing favors to some high dollar low life, buying the cheap bourbon, settling for beer and eating at cheap greasy spoons when they have their special, that is the real life, the abridged story, yes it is my life too.

Going on 11pm now, traffic has slowed a lot, streets thinning out, well if she is coming I will notice. Damn I wished I had at least paid the heating bill, thin glass, cold just seeps in. That is why I have learned to improvise, take ordinary things and turning them into a multifunctional tool. Four bricks, a waste can and raiding the paper recycling bin you can heat a cozy office and it does add ambiance to the place, plus the savings cost is tremendous when you think about it, of course the soot on the ceiling isn't that appealing. Hey but that is what sacrifices are, give and take, I can always repaint in the spring, that is if anyone happens to be remodeling their office space and if my nephew isn't tweaking his inner spirit. Yeah I improvise, cut a lot of corners, it has opened a whole new world for me. Not that I am cheap or anything like that, I just don't like squandering my money on what I have been led to believe I can't do for myself or can't do without. Light bulbs you just don't buy once you know, no, once you buy one you're paying for it until it burns out, but these too have have more use than just illumination. I made a nice crotch warmer with my desk lamp, borrowed one of those infra red bulbs they use to keep the overdone food warm at the diner, yeah I know, I say borrowed and I did return it, anyway replacing the 150 watt bulb out, yeah I know it is only rated for 60 watts, but when you shine a 60 watt bulb into a perp's face all he going to do is spit on the bulb and break it, then I am out another bulb and I have to walk down to the men's room and stand on a toilet and get a new one. 150 watts gets his attention, makes him cringe and he knows if he spits on this one he is eating glass. So as I was saying, I replaced the 150 watt with the infra red bulb and I placed it under my desk with the lamp facing my crotch, was nice until I ended up at the emergency room with 3rd degree burns. Lawyer said I can't sue the diner for negligence seeing how I stole, uh I mean borrowed the bulb from them and they are not responsible for placing warnings on the dangers of misuse of the bulb in public view. Cutting corners never really was new to me, my parents cut a lot of them. Mom used to use week old crumbled up cornbread instead of hamburger the directions for Hamburger Helper placed as an important part of the meal in the recipe. Even though she would fry the crumbled up cornbread until it resembled hamburger meat in fat rendering, those leftover from the drippings of cooking various meats, it still lacked that real hamburger flavor for some reason. I mean hell, it didn't kill me and I grew up with a clean colon. Dad, oh dad now he is a totally different kind of corner cutter. His philosophy is, if it don't need it to operate, then it don't need it at all, this before there were any car emissions regulations and laws. At least we knew when he was coming home well in advance of his arrival and the neighborhood was mosquito free not to mention no other community pests, like wildlife, stray dogs and cats, elderly, handicapped or a lot of kids. Why pay for trash pickup when all we have to do is dig a big hole in our back yard and bury it ourselves and then his next words were, "Okay each of you kids grab a shovel, dinner will be late today, you got a hole to dig.", once again cutting corners not doing any of the work thinking his contribution of this epiphany he had on saving yet another $10.00 a month to have it hauled off twice a week was contribution enough, someone had to come up with the ideas or we would never have any beer money. Yeah I come from a corner cutting family, one kid taken to the doctor, the rest shared his medication. If it didn't cure you, at least you felt good right before you felt like dying. Mom used to drop the laundry in the tub with us and pour in powdered detergent and do the laundry same time she gave us a bath and we got an eye burning bubble bath. You could say I grew up being innovated and a little ahead of myself or is that others, I get it confused sometimes. Landlord says I am full of innovation, even though innovation wasn't the exact word he used, but he did say I was full of it.

I looked at my watch, a quarter till midnight, 11:45pm, 2345 hours, no matter how I looked at it time was running out. 22nd would soon be over and she hadn't arrived yet. You remember her, yeah I know you do, that one we spoke about earlier, the one that made your eyes all red like that detergent bubble bath you took when you were a kid from all the perfume she was wearing. Cheap, but plentiful, especially when purchased in bulk, the one that comes in the 55 gallon steel barrel stenciled, eau de parfume or industrial strength lead paint remover, "Warning, must dilute if used as a paint remover, fumes have caused sterility in lab rats and technicians after exposure and could cause accelerated erectile dysfunction. Please consult your physician if any of the following have occurred, tenderness in the scrotum area, a slight inflammation in the circumference of your private momma slap the back of your hand with a wood spoon if you shook it more than three times after taking a leak thing, if you look at it and forgot what it was or what it is even used for, if you shake it and cannot feel it, if you find yourself urinating your pants more often than normal, (this is based on a global average and does not reflect poor judgment on your part), any irritation or ticklishly tingling feelings when you urinate and you find your beer consumption is more so you can urinate again to feel it or if you find yourself reading this warning label, please consult your personal physician or local free clinic and wear condoms during intercourse for at least six months or until cured. Yeah, now you remember, I mean how can you forget. Her. 11:58pm, 2 minutes till midnight, 2358 hours, ticking down, two minutes left and if I keep finding different ways of saying it, time is over, the new day begins, new dawn coming, cock will crow soon. Then, knock, knock, rap, rap, ding dong, how ever you want to put it, there it was or rather she was with 22 seconds to spare. Still facing the window in my chair, I yelled over my shoulder.

"Yeah. Door's open."

I could sense or scent it was her, proper syntax evades me now, but I knew it was her. It was in her voice, the way she spoke, the way she said it. I didn't even have to turn around to see if it was her, I knew it was her. She has that atmosphere, that certain something, an atmosphere unique to her or it could be that eau de parfume, the one that says, do not use around open flame. Yeah she was in a world of her own or it is those fumes she has been huffing all day. I turned slowly in my chair, a little dramatic moment, stretching the anticipation factor and then there she was, just as I had pictured her, well maybe not exactly like I pictured her, close though, well maybe not even close, she was wearing a dress, but it was her. I could feel it, or it is those fumes from her eau de parfume I was feeling. I reached over in my top left desk drawer and pulled out the canister filter gas mask I had purchased from an army surplus store that just got a shipment of WWI Polish ones and slipped it over my face. I noticed stamped above the protective eye covering on the inside it said "Front" backwards. There she stood, dressed in a white sheer gauzy thin to the point you could read a newspaper through them gown, not the green sequined number I had pictured her in, but this will work too. A white ermine fur draped over her shoulders or that really cheap imitation stuff they are selling across town or it could have been the fumes for her eau de parfume. A pair of silver 6 inch stilettos and matching clutch, a little tarnished, but again that could have been the fumes. Man those fumes. I noticed a fine black powder falling and I looked up at the ceiling, at least the soot is releasing, maybe I won't have to repaint.

"Mr. Head, Stone Head?" said in a high pitched Brooklyn accent.
"Yeah that's me. What is the problem that brings you looking for me this time of the night?"
"I got your name and address off the women's room stall earlier tonight and I need to speak to you."
"Your nickle, spill it."
"Mr. Head." she started.
"Call me Stone. I just never been able to swallow being called Head. Even though my brother's lifestyle seems to enjoy the term head I mean the name Head."

She looked at me with those eyes, well not exactly "those" eyes, the left looked a little cockeyed, but the other looked fine or maybe that one is a glass one now that I get a closer look at it.

"Stone I desperately need your help."

And just my type too, desperate.

"Tell papa Stone all about what it could possibly be worrying that pretty little head of yours."
"Oh Stone it is terrible, I mean just terrible."
"Now now, nothing can be that bad."
"He'll kill me if he ever finds out."

Okay maybe things could get worse, I mean if he would kill her I am sure he won't lose any sleep doing off with me.

"Let's start with he. Who is he?"
"My benefactor. Well, that is what he tells his friends and wife. I mean to his wife I am his executive assistant and to his friends he is helping get through college. Everyone else calls him Mr. Big, I call him Pookie, he likes it when I call him that when we are alone."

"I see." replied in a nonchalant tone.

Oh crap, Mr. Big, the Mr. Big the one they nicknamed Biggie. Of all the dames in all the world this one walks into my office.

"Mr. Big huh"
"Yes my little Biggie, he will just be furious if he found out. I can't imagine what he would do."
"Well a few lines back you said he would kill you." stating the redundant obvious or obviously redundant.
"Oh Stone, I just know he would or kill something just to feel better."

Better that something not be me then.

"Here fill this out and then we'll talk. Just a questionnaire to get a feel so to say. Do you need a pen?"
"Oh! Did another button pop again?"

Okay, an attention span isn't the only thing she is short on.

Personal Questionnaire

1.Full Name:
2. Date of birth:
3. Home Address:
4. Do you sleep alone or with others? (If others please explain in detail on back.)
5. Telephone Number:
6. Next of Kin: (Only if female and you don't call her mom.)
7. Bra size:

"Why do you need to know my bra size?"
"To know how much of a grasp I will need on this case."
"Oh. Okay."

8. Status: Married__ Single:__
Married but fooling around:__
Single but open to menage au tois:__ (preferably me you and your best friend.)
Married but open to menage au tois:__(Note I am not bisexual nor do I have any tendencies to explore that side of my sexuality.)
Divorced:__
Divorced but still doing husband until after alimony hearing:__
Alimony: yes__no__
Amount:$___
Payment Schedule:__/__/__
9. Are you easy?: yes__no__(If no, what is your favorite mixed drink.)
10. Number of sisters:__
11. Their ages:__________________

It was the little things, the intimate things that you know about your client that gave a sense of closeness.

"So where is Mr. Big at now?"
"He is in San Fransisco, I am supposed to be there by the 24th for a Christmas party he is throwing and if I can't fix things before I go I know he is just going to kill me."
"Just what is it he would kill you for? Uh I noticed you skipped over the questions about sexual preferences, not that it is that important, but if you are going to fill out a questionnaire its kind of nice if you answer all the questions."
"Oh I see. Well I met this guy in New York last St. Patrick's Day near the brewery over by the Hudson river, the place right next to the slaughter house and the tannery. Well anyway Pookie had business there at the brewery so he took me with him, well he had business to tend to there was this guy there that showed me around the place and when we ended up in the tasting room, well after drinking a few beakers or flasks, what ever they call them he said he would show me the cooling vault. I thought it was a cold storage for furs, but you know what it was? It was a place where they chilled the beer. Who'd a thought that is what that was for? I mean if they use the word vault there would be something expensive inside, not a bunch of different glass beer bottles with famous beer labels. I mean you can see that anywhere, like, like one of them places where you buy beer."
"A beer store?"
"Yeah that's it, a beer store. Well anyway we got lost in all those aisles and passages of cases and cases of beer and he was concerned for me, said I could die of exposure in cold temperatures. He said I should try and stay warm, keep my blood circulating. So I suggested that we walk around until we found our way out, but he said that wasn't too smart, they sent a guy to do inventory 3 weeks before that and he still hasn't been heard from and once they found a skeleton of someone who got lost in them. He said our best bet would be to just let them find us, to stay in one place. Well I asked him how we were going to keep our blood circulating if we don't move? He said that when he was in the military and they took survival lessons they were told that by briskly rubbing bodies together or with hands you could stay warm and keep your circulation going and that would be much better than to pass out from exhaustion walking corridor after corridor, going deeper and deeper, no food or water and not knowing when or even if we will find our way out. It all sounded perfectly logical to me, I mean it made sense. Don't you think?"
"Uh sure, makes perfect sense and what happened next?"
"Well anyway he said that he should start on me first and then I can briskly rub him when I was warm enough. So I stood there while he started briskly rubbing me and did you know he knew right where to rub to get me warm all over?"
"Uh hm, uh, er well I have heard of this survival technique, but a little vague on its procedure when in an actual survival situation, so you may as well give me all the details so I can paint the big picture so to say."
"I'm starting to wonder what kind of picture you are painting now."
"Go on, go on please with your story and remember, details are important."
"Well anyway he said he was feeling very numb from exposure and suggested I rub him briskly in a more active area on his person. That is when he slid my hand in his "more active area" that I really understood what he meant, I thought it would be like his chest first like he did to me and then grope around for a little while. Well I didn't realize that he had a hidden camera and he took pictures of me briskly rubbing his more active area."
"And what exactly is it that you would like me to do Miss.?"
"Oh that's right I haven't told you who I am, please forgive me. Miss Dew, Honey Dew."
"Nice to meet you uh...Miss Dew." smiling and thinking to myself that I hope she do.
"Now he is invited to Pookie's Christmas party and he said if I do not do some more brisk rubbing he would show Pookie the pictures and say it was all my idea. You have just got to get those pictures from him before he gets here."
"So this brewery guy is back in the Big Apple, Mr. Big is in San Fransisco, I am in Los Angeles, so how in the hell did you get my name off a toilet stall?"
"Oh that, yes. Well I was driving down to talk to a friend of mine to see if she knew of anyone who could help me. I stopped outside Los Angeles at an old gas station and went to relieve my self and freshen up and while I was sitting there I thought I would read up on the local scene and came across a poem devoted to you and how it made them move, but you know, I don't think it was in a romanticist way that you moved them, something in the poem anyway made me think that maybe you had upset this one a little bit, but she did manage to say you were a private investigator, she had a hard time finding a word for a specific part of her anatomy rhyming with that and below it your address, so I came to you instead."

If she went to all that trouble to find me, well I might as well take this case. Anyway as she would say, what do I have to do. I mean she is in the office.

"I'll get right on this Miss Dew. I just drive down to Tijuana and scrounge around for some information."
"Pookie is in San Fransisco, not in Tijuana. Why do you need to go down there to find out something?"
"I need to verify a few things and if there is anything to know, it will be known in Tijuana."

This I said in my most private eye demeanors and suavely assuring look. I mean it is one of those accepted perks, private investigators in Florida go to the Bahamas, Virgin Islands or the Caribbean to gather their "information", Los Angeles has Tijuana for the same bogus reason, we can get someone else to pay for it and it is like a mini vacation and so again cutting corners in the family tradition.

"How long will you be there looking for information?"
"A day, maybe day and a half depending."
"Depending on what?"
"Depending if I don't get caught up in a more intimate interrogation of a potential witness."
"Oh you mean if the hooker will go as low as you intend to pay."
"It would be strictly about the case I can assure you that. It will all be on the expense report with receipts."
"The party is on the 24th and this is the 22nd, you can't waste time."
"Was the 22nd, it is now 12:47, its the 23rd. You got someplace to stay while you are here?"
"I have my friend, but I haven't been able to reach her."
"Well I have a friend too, funny how that works. Well anyway this friend of mine is a private investigator too, I am not saying she would be willing, she may be on a case now and not have the time. Her name is Yadnus, Yadnus Drew. One of the better private investigators, she actually solves the case."
"Yadnus? What kind of name is Yadnus?"
"Chinese, on her mother's side. A very respectable name Yadnus. So how did you find out he was taking pictures?"
"Well he held this thing above his head that he said would absorb the body heat and then this thick piece of paper with a thin heat pack layer would eject out and then he would place under his armpits to help him fight the cold. I told why hadn't he let me use it too, he said when it was my turn to be briskly rubbed again I could have the warmers."
"Maam, that was a Polaroid camera, it makes pictures on the spot."
"I didn't know it was a Polaroid camera at the time though. He said it was to absorb body heat."
"Come on, we need to get going if we going to beat this thing."

We drove over to Yadnus' loft in a more ritzy part of town, 1:35am. She shot at me for a lot less before this, I still hope she will just be taking pot shots and not aiming.

I pressed the buzzer to her loft and waited for her to reply. I pressed it again, well maybe a half dozen to maybe 12 times more and finally she replied.

"I do hope this is worth a lot to you, because if it isn't worth anything to me, looks like someone will regret twice tonight and wished they had thought about it before doing it."
"Hey Yadnus, its me Stone."
"Okay. Stone who?"
"Stone Yadnus, Stone Head."
"Well which is it? Stone Yadnus or Stone Head?"
"Geez Yadnus, it is Stone Head. We worked that cycle theft ring together."
"You mean the tricycle thefts at the daycare center? That wasn't a case, that was me there dropping off my niece and you hitting on a teacher. All they had said was that the tricycles had disappeared and do not understand what could have happened to them. You are the one who started the investigation and then when you found out the janitor had repainted them the night before and was waiting for them to dry before returning them, still tried to charge them for your time. Go away."
"Come Yadnus just listen to me. I got a case on Mr. Big, well rather a case concerning him and I could use your help right about now."
"Mr. Big, the Mr. Big, Biggie Big out of San Fransisco?"
"Yeah, that Mr. Big."
"Go away."
"I got his attache with me here, you know the little secret from the wife and I just need a place to stash her for a few hours while I run down to Tijuana and do some fact finding."
"I thought Mr. Big was in San Fransisco, not in Tijuana. Isn't he having some sort of Christmas party on the 24th in San Fransisco?"
"Yeah he is."
"Yeah he is what? In San Fransisco or throwing a party on the 24th?"
"Yeah on both there Yadnus."
"Then why do you need to go to Tijuana to do some "fact finding"?"
"Good source of information Yadnus, you know that."
"A good source for you to find someone else to pay for it while you chase shots and senoritas all night."
"Its strictly business, why can't I get anyone to believe that?"
"I asked him the same thing and he acted the same way towards me. I think he is a lot like that no good Ruffie we are looking for."
"Ruffie? Ruffie from the brewery on the Hudson river next to the slaughter house and tannery?"
"Wow, yes how did you know?"
"You get lost in the er...uh..cooler..uh..vault too?"
"Oh geez, how did you know? You are a very good private investigator."
"And I imagine there were the survival tactics he showed you, so you won't die from being exposed from the elements?"
"Wow! You know all of this already and don't even know my name, you are good."
"How can I help you Stone Henge?"
"Its Stone Head Yadnus."

Now maybe it was just me, but I thought I heard a "too" in that conversation, so maybe Yadnus had a little more stake in this than I thought and maybe, just maybe at a more reasonably discounted rate. So I explained to her Miss Dew's dilemma and I just needed her to sit on her for a few hours while I drove down to Tijuana and did my investigating thing.

Next: Tijuana
Continued

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.