Flight to San Fransisco Part 2 of 2 of the final Installment(Yes, it is going to come to a heady conclusion here)
(maybe)
"So Raffie tell me about this Polaroid scam you got working, I mean is it able to go coast to coast, is that why you are going to meet with Mr. Big?"
"Polaroid scam? What makes you think we have a Polaroid scam going?"
"Two guys from the same city, same job, only different places, names a little alike, both talking about Polaroid film and seems you come to Tijuana for the he he he, cooler climate, it all starts to fall together. This Ruffie character will run the east coast operations while you toddle on up to San Fransisco and meet with Mr. Big and agree on his cut for protection and operating capital. You really don't have to be a psychic to figure that one out Diego."
"Oh Mr. Stone, you make me laugh a lot, maybe you talk to the airport manager and see if they have a position for comedian open. You could keep the waiting passengers entertained while they wait for their airplane."
"Yeah you laugh Diego, but there is more to this than some unsanctioned survival training in a beer cooler here."
"What do you know about that Mr. Stone? I never mentioned anything about survival training, did I?"
"You think you are the only one that knows what is going on? That is just a smoke screen, a ticket to Mr. Big. There is more than just rocks between my ears."
"Yes I am sure there is more senor, much more than just rocks, to bad though there is not enough of it to stop the rocks from shifting."
"Yeah whatever Diego, just remember this, I have it all figured out now and it's only a matter of time before you slip up, make that one little mistake and then that is where I jump."
"Sure senor I am sure you will. Oh and on the flight up to San Fransisco, if you feel the need to drain the iguana, the bathroom doors are the ones with the big handles and the big red circles."
Over the loud speakers they announced the boarding call for the flight to San Fransisco. I looked over at Raffie and that sneer across his face. Soon I would be wiping it off for him. Soon we were settled in our seats and the captain was informing us of our flight that day when I noticed Raffie sitting in front of me. If he only knew how transparent he was, how easily I had seen through his little plan, saw through that little smoke screen, maybe even Miss Dew is in on this. I tapped Raffie on his shoulder.
"Nice seats."
"Senor, ah at my back I see, I feel a little more comfortable now knowing you are watching my back."
"Just know I will be keeping an eye on you my friend."
"Ah so now we are friends senor and so quickly. Was it my personality or did you just like the way I dressed?"
"How about a common interest, Miss Honey Dew, yeah, you know who I am talking about. Mr. Big's little beneficiary, the one that will be at the Christmas party tonight. Is she the second part of your "ticket" to meet with Mr. Big?"
"Ah senor, yes, a friendship based on common interests can lead to many enlightening moments. I can see that maybe you and I may share a few. Would you not say so senor?"
"Feeling the need to enlighten me Diego?"
"Senor you know, you are a very funny man, not too bright yet seems to avoid being shot. You know as a child we were taught to respect the "special" people senor. Those ones who's light was on but the place is vacant. Now Mr. Stone what my business is with Mr. Big or with Honey Dew does not really concern you, well unless you get in the way, then there could be some minor altercations and slight change in the plans, oh and then the flowers senor, I will have to order the flowers too."
"Flowers for what Diego?"
"Why your funeral my friend. Do you think I would forget our friendship so quickly?"
"Yeah, you're a funny man too there Diego. Funny men make mistakes though and like I said, call me Michael Jackson, cause I'll be there."
"Remind me to buy tickets senor."
"Listen Diego, I am the last thing you want on your tail."
"Yes I am sure of that senor, but sad to tell you, I do not swing that way."
"You're a real wisecrack, just don't forget to cross your T's and dot your I's, I will be on you every step of the way."
"I will appreciate the company and the entertainment senor, but honestly I do not deserve such attention from you, yes I am unworthy of your attention senor. I am just a simple man with a simple life and simple needs. You should really focus your attention else where."
'Oh I can assure you my friend, I have more than enough attention to go around. I will see that nothing or no one is lacking of that."
"One of us will be lacking senor, I can assure you of that."
"Yeah I am sure one of us will be."
"So senor this Honey Dew what has she told you about me, I mean Ruffie?"
"Said he liked to give survival lessons in beer coolers and then document them with pictures, strange that it too was a Polaroid, don't you think? Again, we end up with the film. You see how this little circle revolves Diego?"
"Ah Mr. Stone you should run for president, I think the office would suit you quite well."
"Yeah I have been told I am a natural born leader and decision maker."
"Not exactly for those reasons senor."
"Because I can get the job done and I can see through the crap."
"Well again senor, not exactly for those reasons either."
"Well then why do you think that the office would suit me?"
"Because like all your predecessors you are totally clueless. Senor if a clue came up and bit you on your backside, you would slap at it."
"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but for now where does Miss Dew fit into all of this?"
"As I asked you senor earlier, what has she told you?"
"I told you, it has to do with you, this Ruffie character, who by the way in the State of New York you have to certified to give survival lessons isn't and Polaroid film."
"Exactly where do I fit in senor?"
"You said you had a Polaroid invitation to Mr. Big's little wingding. Adds up, doesn't it?"
"And you think that this Polaroid invitation you say I have has some connection with this so called Ruffie and Honey Dew's little beer cooler escapade?"
"She said he had a Polaroid camera that he at first said it was to gather body heat and store it in armpit packs. She found out later it was pictures of her rubbing his more active area."
"Yes, well senor I have heard stories of this survival technique before and have heard marvelous stories of its success, it keeps blood flowing the vital organ, if you understand what I am saying. Who's not to say that this technique is not a valid survival tactic, I mean you can generate as much heat as you could walking and enjoy yourself too. You would be surprised at how many people get lost in some of the big cold storage vaults, I tell you they either alcoholics before we find them or a freeze pop. So I am sure Honey Dew was saved from a horrible death due to exposure by this method and now feels this Ruffie guy is expecting a little more favor from her."
Good, he feels relaxed and now he is talking, this is where they usually mess up, when they are talking, but you have to be paying close attention while they are talking so that you find the trip wire that send them crashing down to eat the dirt of truth. Time for the first strike.
"I never said that Diego."
"Yes senor you did."
"No I didn't, I never mentioned a word about this Ruffie character expecting more favors from Miss Dew. I said it was a ticket in to see Mr. Big."
"Uh no senor, I am pretty sure you mentioned it, yes, pretty sure. Why else would I say it if I didn't hear it from you? I mean you been talking like some little old lady in a care unit for the aged, you probably don't even remember what you have said."
I reached up and placed my hand on his shoulder, squeezed tight as I pulled myself forward and whispered;
"Nah Diego, I am pretty sure I didn't. You can keep the comb in the boot."
"You think it can't hurt? It can put a very terrible scratch on you and that can get infected."
I let him sit there the rest of the flight in silence. I wanted him to think about our little talk, let him sweat, stew in it for a little while. Stew? Hm. Yeah stew would be good tonight, mutton or maybe a good seafood stew. You know when I was a kid we used to have stew on cold winter nights, yeah, a big slice of cornbread and a big bowl of mom's Spam stew, takes me back, chicken bone soup, that was her specialty and dad said the frying and then boiling killed all the bacteria and parasites, then dad coming home after digging through the chicken cannery's bone pile back near the sewer drainage ditch meant soup all week. Now when he hit the tuna and salmon processing plants there was meat in the stew and did you know that that approximately 75% of what we call common weeds out in the yard are actually edible. Momma used to fry those chicken skins till they were like potato chips. Yeah he was thinking now. He knows I caught the slips, the trips and sooner than he thinks I will pounce, a rhetorical pounce, not an actual lion pouncing on gazelle at the watering hole scenario, more like, "Ah ha, I caught you!" kind of pounce, yeah it's time to play this little fish.
I dozed for a bit while Raffie digested what I had fed him. I don't know how long I had been drifting in and out of sleep when the stewardess shook my shoulder and informed me that we were landing and that I needed to put my seat back in the upright position and I had 5 minutes to go to the rest room before approach. I looked up at her and thought, now why is she so concerned about me going to the restroom? I looked at her and then followed her gaze downward. Oh, that, yeah I guess that would get a little notice on a plane in the prone position. I headed to the toilet to freshen up and to wake up a little. Back at my seat the fasten seat belt symbol was flashing. Buckling up I stared at the back of Raffie's head thinking if he was thinking that maybe he thought that I thought that there could be a remote possibility that I might know something, well some knowledge, okay, maybe a theory, yeah, yeah, a shot in the dark then, but the thing was, all I needed to do was make him think and then keep applying the pressure. Now this in PI talk would be referred to as, "Crap or get off the toilet." If you are not going to at least squeeze out a week plus expenses out of your client and pretend you know what you are doing and make the perp sweat so that you can show some kind of results, then you might as well find another line of business, because you weren't cut out to be a PI. I could have called it quits, called Miss Dew from Tijuana and told her that there was nothing here, but Tijuana as everyone knows is a goldmine of information, some of it useful some times, well part of the time, okay, it is a good place to go and get drunk and chase some skirts at the client's expense. I didn't call her though, well I did and ended up speaking Yadnus, but I didn't just quit and walk away from it, no, I stayed on it like a Tennessee blood hound, sniffing out the information or like this last time, dressed like a freaking elf and smelling like a fruit salad. You know it feels kind of good going commando every now and then, makes this little respite feel more like a mini vacation than an information expedition, you know that relaxed feeling. Just hanging loose you could say. Yeah I do what it takes to get the job done, nothing is beneath me. I can crawl underneath the belly of a snake on teflon, I knew I would have to be able to do the things other private investigators thought was a little undignified, like the time I powdered my body all white and hid in the Caligula statuary at one of those fantasy sex resorts, trailing this old geezer and his personal aide. I knew I should have used duct tape on the grape leaf, but I thought the transparency of the scotch tape would have been a little more effective or either I could have powdered my body before I put on the grape leaf. Well that was then, I have learned and I have made those little mental notes for next time. I sure hope Yadnus doesn't forget the jacket and shirt, I think this shirt is starting leave a print on my skin.
I was making my way past luggage looking for a vantage point to keep tabs on Raffie, he honestly didn't think I was going to give up so easy I hope. There he was, there was a big goon with him, if this was Ruffie they sure didn't look like twins. Leather luggage, nice, but there seemed to be a lot of it, maybe some Polaroid samples for Mr. Big to look at. I sunk back in the shadows as Raffie started walking in my direction, yeah a lot of luggage. I stood as silent as a statue as Raffie walked by.
"Catch you around town pineapple, I mean senor"
Darn, how did he know I was here? Crap. I bent over and picked up the plastic grocery sack with my clothes and followed Raffie from a distance. As I entered the main concourse I spotted Yadnus and Miss Dew standing near a coffee kiosk. I didn't see if Yadnus had remembered to bring the jacket and shirt. Could be in the car.
"Hey, hey, there's my ladies."
"You get you a part time pimping job while you were down in Tijuana?"
"What? You referring to my clothes there Yadnus?"
"No I was referring to that ridiculous hat you are wearing Stone."
"I'm not wearing a hat."
"Then you were right the first time."
"Whatever, you remember to get my jacket and white shirt?"
"What jacket and white shirt?"
"The gray sports jacket out of my closet and to charge a white shirt down at Dave's Discount Clothing and Liqueur Store."
"You know Stone, you just keep getting funnier and funnier each time I talk to you. Now why should I have remembered that?"
"Because I asked you to on the phone call from Tijuana. Can't you remember?"
"Let's get something straight here, okay there Stone? First off I am not your ll_friday.girl_ll, so that means I don't do the errand thing. Second thing is that you should have packed a bag before you left and not buy a pattern for a body tattoo to wear for a shirt in Mexico and third and final thing, you honestly think I would stick my hand in your closet?"
"You could have told me that on the phone Yadnus."
"Yeah I would have too, if you had mentioned it on the phone."
"Uh, I don't mean to interrupt, but Ruffie is hailing a cab."
"Miss Dew his name is Raffie, I have been on this guy like white on pigeon poop. Yeah they look a lot alike, but Yadnus would be the first to tell you that looks can be deceiving."
"That's true Honey, to look at Stone you would think he had enough of a brain not to walk around an international airport with his fly down, but like he said, looks can be deceiving. Oh and by the way Stone, pigeon poop isn't all white."
"Okay then, the parts that are all white, I was all over him like those parts."
I answered Yadnus as I was turning around to check my fly. Crap, no wonder I was getting all those looks walking back to my seat on the plane earlier. No wonder I felt such freedom, so that was a draft I was feeling after all. I was actually thinking at the time that little dutch stew had meant something special with that little wink and smile, oh and that finger pointing to my crotch. It is amazing how sensitive the skin around that area still is.
"Time to stop worrying about my fly Yadnus and concentrate on more important things, always time for a little fun after the case."
"Don't flatter yourself there Stone, the only fun I could ever see us having is bungee jumping and only if your ankle strap came loose."
"Yeah, yeah, keep it to yourself, but we both know you want me. Now if you don't mind I have some work to do. You going to tag along?"
"I am going to come along to keep your butt out of a sling."
"I'm not into the kinky stuff, but your jealousy is kinda of cute."
"Jealous? Stone just exactly what world do you live in? What on this earth could you be dancing the horizontal bop with would I possibly be jealous of?"
"Its there Yadnus, let's not deny it, you know it, I know it, now it is just a matter of time."
We stood outside arrivals hailing a taxi, Raffie was still in the queue waiting for his driver to merge with the exiting traffic. Man this guy was just making it too easy, I mean all he was missing was a neon arrow pointing at him. We all crawled into the back of a midsized hatchback being driven by a third world refugee with a spice market in the front passenger side as a second income.
I felt I needed to post something so here is the first half of the second half of the final installment. Let's see if Stone can pull it off here, nail the bad guy and the girl all at the same time, yeah, one stone, two birds. This just may work out for ole Stone Head after all. Maybe.
Later...
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