Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 1st Installment~

It was the 22nd of some December at one time in my more recent or distant past, but it was like most before them have been, mundane, slow and cruelly boring. It was that "season" again that seemed to fill everyone in some sort of "altering spirit" transformation and crime just seemed to slow down. Then when I think of it, it is just times like this when things are hard, landlord banging down your door demanding his money, cut off notices from the utility companies that she knocks on the door. Not the same she each time, but her, you know who I am talking about, that one that goes knock knock and just flips your world upside down and easy street is just around the corner. I looked at my watch, 9:00pm and she hadn't knocked yes I thought to myself. I turned in my desk chair to face the window and so that when she came in I would twirl around in some dramatic moment and there she would be, tall, sultry, a slight pout on her luscious lips and a tear starting to fall from those deep smokey eyes, but then again that could have just been a reflection of the smoke stacks belching over at the incinerator, but she would be standing there. All decked out in a deep green sequined dress of some more visible revealing thin gauzy material that clung to each curve, yeah that's the way it would happen each time. Damn it looks cold out there I thought to myself, too darn cold to think about being out in, no office, no phone for business, working out of cabs and pay phones wasn't my idea of how to start a new year off. I looked down at my watch, 9:25pm and still it hadn't looked like it warmed up any outside and she hadn't shown yes either.

My name is Stone, Stone Head, private investigator specializing trying to find something to investigate. It is not as easy as it seems, not that glamorous lifestyle, driving foreign sports cars, jetting or boating about on some high profile case drinking single malt liquor. No seedy describes it in its best light, three day old coffee grounds that you pilfered from the maid's cart while she cleaned an office, at least the office next door only used theirs once and it was always on the top, an easy snatch, no one hurt and the landfill a little emptier tonight. I try to do my part to save the environment and the bonus is that I cut back on a little office overhead. It is more like bush humping, sitting behind a bush in some remote location late at night with a cheap department store one time use disposable camera watching the back end of the car I was watching bounce up and down like a '57 Chevy Belaire with bad suspension going down a rocky road. Waiting for them to give their selves up in some compromising position and hope he is at that point to where he wouldn't care if the car was on fire, he was going to finish while I ran over and switched on my lights to catch both of their faces in embarrassment and take the picture or pictures depending on how old the guy was and if he wasn't carrying a gun, but you at least got one shot and my chances of the film developing was about 50/50 seeing how I bought the cameras outside the expiration date because they were 75% off and you have to cut corners everywhere you can in these economic hardships we all are facing and if my nephew who I let develop them doesn't do it after he has tweaked his spiritual self and to this day I still do not think that was incense he was burning rolled up in that paper. To be paid squat by some husband or wife who couldn't just move on with the one they were cheating with and not trying to catch the other, but it pays the bills at times and if they are foolish enough to pay me for doing it, I would be smart and be even more foolish and accept it. Crawling around some nasty trash dumpster filled with Thai Palace Restaurant's daily lunch buffet specials for the last week and getting riper every day, with that same discounted out of expiration date disposable camera because there were still 17 exposures left watching some bookie passing on dole to some crooked cop on the take to look the other way as I gingerly applied a little foot pressure on the tail of an alley cat feasting on the ripening buffet and as his cry startled my two objects of attention I would snap and run hoping that neither recognized me as they could be help in the future, but a screaming cat running at full speed up a pants leg usually takes their eyes off me and on matters a little closer at hand and trying not to have to explain to his wife why he has claw marks running up his legs. Such is a private investigator's life, but then there is that special one that comes along, that one who is long on looks and a short attention span and with a sugar daddy's wallet deeper than crooked banker's. Mine has seemed to forgotten to wind her watch, she has yet to show up. Yeah, eaten up in debt, owing favors to some high dollar low life, buying the cheap bourbon, settling for beer and eating at cheap greasy spoons when they have their special, that is the real life, the abridged story, yes it is my life too.

Going on 11pm now, traffic has slowed a lot, streets thinning out, well if she is coming I will notice. Damn I wished I had at least paid the heating bill, thin glass, cold just seeps in. That is why I have learned to improvise, take ordinary things and turning them into a multifunctional tool. Four bricks, a waste can and raiding the paper recycling bin you can heat a cozy office and it does add ambiance to the place, plus the savings cost is tremendous when you think about it, of course the soot on the ceiling isn't that appealing. Hey but that is what sacrifices are, give and take, I can always repaint in the spring, that is if anyone happens to be remodeling their office space and if my nephew isn't tweaking his inner spirit. Yeah I improvise, cut a lot of corners, it has opened a whole new world for me. Not that I am cheap or anything like that, I just don't like squandering my money on what I have been led to believe I can't do for myself or can't do without. Light bulbs you just don't buy once you know, no, once you buy one you're paying for it until it burns out, but these too have have more use than just illumination. I made a nice crotch warmer with my desk lamp, borrowed one of those infra red bulbs they use to keep the overdone food warm at the diner, yeah I know, I say borrowed and I did return it, anyway replacing the 150 watt bulb out, yeah I know it is only rated for 60 watts, but when you shine a 60 watt bulb into a perp's face all he going to do is spit on the bulb and break it, then I am out another bulb and I have to walk down to the men's room and stand on a toilet and get a new one. 150 watts gets his attention, makes him cringe and he knows if he spits on this one he is eating glass. So as I was saying, I replaced the 150 watt with the infra red bulb and I placed it under my desk with the lamp facing my crotch, was nice until I ended up at the emergency room with 3rd degree burns. Lawyer said I can't sue the diner for negligence seeing how I stole, uh I mean borrowed the bulb from them and they are not responsible for placing warnings on the dangers of misuse of the bulb in public view. Cutting corners never really was new to me, my parents cut a lot of them. Mom used to use week old crumbled up cornbread instead of hamburger the directions for Hamburger Helper placed as an important part of the meal in the recipe. Even though she would fry the crumbled up cornbread until it resembled hamburger meat in fat rendering, those leftover from the drippings of cooking various meats, it still lacked that real hamburger flavor for some reason. I mean hell, it didn't kill me and I grew up with a clean colon. Dad, oh dad now he is a totally different kind of corner cutter. His philosophy is, if it don't need it to operate, then it don't need it at all, this before there were any car emissions regulations and laws. At least we knew when he was coming home well in advance of his arrival and the neighborhood was mosquito free not to mention no other community pests, like wildlife, stray dogs and cats, elderly, handicapped or a lot of kids. Why pay for trash pickup when all we have to do is dig a big hole in our back yard and bury it ourselves and then his next words were, "Okay each of you kids grab a shovel, dinner will be late today, you got a hole to dig.", once again cutting corners not doing any of the work thinking his contribution of this epiphany he had on saving yet another $10.00 a month to have it hauled off twice a week was contribution enough, someone had to come up with the ideas or we would never have any beer money. Yeah I come from a corner cutting family, one kid taken to the doctor, the rest shared his medication. If it didn't cure you, at least you felt good right before you felt like dying. Mom used to drop the laundry in the tub with us and pour in powdered detergent and do the laundry same time she gave us a bath and we got an eye burning bubble bath. You could say I grew up being innovated and a little ahead of myself or is that others, I get it confused sometimes. Landlord says I am full of innovation, even though innovation wasn't the exact word he used, but he did say I was full of it.

I looked at my watch, a quarter till midnight, 11:45pm, 2345 hours, no matter how I looked at it time was running out. 22nd would soon be over and she hadn't arrived yet. You remember her, yeah I know you do, that one we spoke about earlier, the one that made your eyes all red like that detergent bubble bath you took when you were a kid from all the perfume she was wearing. Cheap, but plentiful, especially when purchased in bulk, the one that comes in the 55 gallon steel barrel stenciled, eau de parfume or industrial strength lead paint remover, "Warning, must dilute if used as a paint remover, fumes have caused sterility in lab rats and technicians after exposure and could cause accelerated erectile dysfunction. Please consult your physician if any of the following have occurred, tenderness in the scrotum area, a slight inflammation in the circumference of your private momma slap the back of your hand with a wood spoon if you shook it more than three times after taking a leak thing, if you look at it and forgot what it was or what it is even used for, if you shake it and cannot feel it, if you find yourself urinating your pants more often than normal, (this is based on a global average and does not reflect poor judgment on your part), any irritation or ticklishly tingling feelings when you urinate and you find your beer consumption is more so you can urinate again to feel it or if you find yourself reading this warning label, please consult your personal physician or local free clinic and wear condoms during intercourse for at least six months or until cured. Yeah, now you remember, I mean how can you forget. Her. 11:58pm, 2 minutes till midnight, 2358 hours, ticking down, two minutes left and if I keep finding different ways of saying it, time is over, the new day begins, new dawn coming, cock will crow soon. Then, knock, knock, rap, rap, ding dong, how ever you want to put it, there it was or rather she was with 22 seconds to spare. Still facing the window in my chair, I yelled over my shoulder.

"Yeah. Door's open."

I could sense or scent it was her, proper syntax evades me now, but I knew it was her. It was in her voice, the way she spoke, the way she said it. I didn't even have to turn around to see if it was her, I knew it was her. She has that atmosphere, that certain something, an atmosphere unique to her or it could be that eau de parfume, the one that says, do not use around open flame. Yeah she was in a world of her own or it is those fumes she has been huffing all day. I turned slowly in my chair, a little dramatic moment, stretching the anticipation factor and then there she was, just as I had pictured her, well maybe not exactly like I pictured her, close though, well maybe not even close, she was wearing a dress, but it was her. I could feel it, or it is those fumes from her eau de parfume I was feeling. I reached over in my top left desk drawer and pulled out the canister filter gas mask I had purchased from an army surplus store that just got a shipment of WWI Polish ones and slipped it over my face. I noticed stamped above the protective eye covering on the inside it said "Front" backwards. There she stood, dressed in a white sheer gauzy thin to the point you could read a newspaper through them gown, not the green sequined number I had pictured her in, but this will work too. A white ermine fur draped over her shoulders or that really cheap imitation stuff they are selling across town or it could have been the fumes for her eau de parfume. A pair of silver 6 inch stilettos and matching clutch, a little tarnished, but again that could have been the fumes. Man those fumes. I noticed a fine black powder falling and I looked up at the ceiling, at least the soot is releasing, maybe I won't have to repaint.

"Mr. Head, Stone Head?" said in a high pitched Brooklyn accent.
"Yeah that's me. What is the problem that brings you looking for me this time of the night?"
"I got your name and address off the women's room stall earlier tonight and I need to speak to you."
"Your nickle, spill it."
"Mr. Head." she started.
"Call me Stone. I just never been able to swallow being called Head. Even though my brother's lifestyle seems to enjoy the term head I mean the name Head."

She looked at me with those eyes, well not exactly "those" eyes, the left looked a little cockeyed, but the other looked fine or maybe that one is a glass one now that I get a closer look at it.

"Stone I desperately need your help."

And just my type too, desperate.

"Tell papa Stone all about what it could possibly be worrying that pretty little head of yours."
"Oh Stone it is terrible, I mean just terrible."
"Now now, nothing can be that bad."
"He'll kill me if he ever finds out."

Okay maybe things could get worse, I mean if he would kill her I am sure he won't lose any sleep doing off with me.

"Let's start with he. Who is he?"
"My benefactor. Well, that is what he tells his friends and wife. I mean to his wife I am his executive assistant and to his friends he is helping get through college. Everyone else calls him Mr. Big, I call him Pookie, he likes it when I call him that when we are alone."

"I see." replied in a nonchalant tone.

Oh crap, Mr. Big, the Mr. Big the one they nicknamed Biggie. Of all the dames in all the world this one walks into my office.

"Mr. Big huh"
"Yes my little Biggie, he will just be furious if he found out. I can't imagine what he would do."
"Well a few lines back you said he would kill you." stating the redundant obvious or obviously redundant.
"Oh Stone, I just know he would or kill something just to feel better."

Better that something not be me then.

"Here fill this out and then we'll talk. Just a questionnaire to get a feel so to say. Do you need a pen?"
"Oh! Did another button pop again?"

Okay, an attention span isn't the only thing she is short on.

Personal Questionnaire

1.Full Name:
2. Date of birth:
3. Home Address:
4. Do you sleep alone or with others? (If others please explain in detail on back.)
5. Telephone Number:
6. Next of Kin: (Only if female and you don't call her mom.)
7. Bra size:

"Why do you need to know my bra size?"
"To know how much of a grasp I will need on this case."
"Oh. Okay."

8. Status: Married__ Single:__
Married but fooling around:__
Single but open to menage au tois:__ (preferably me you and your best friend.)
Married but open to menage au tois:__(Note I am not bisexual nor do I have any tendencies to explore that side of my sexuality.)
Divorced:__
Divorced but still doing husband until after alimony hearing:__
Alimony: yes__no__
Amount:$___
Payment Schedule:__/__/__
9. Are you easy?: yes__no__(If no, what is your favorite mixed drink.)
10. Number of sisters:__
11. Their ages:__________________

It was the little things, the intimate things that you know about your client that gave a sense of closeness.

"So where is Mr. Big at now?"
"He is in San Fransisco, I am supposed to be there by the 24th for a Christmas party he is throwing and if I can't fix things before I go I know he is just going to kill me."
"Just what is it he would kill you for? Uh I noticed you skipped over the questions about sexual preferences, not that it is that important, but if you are going to fill out a questionnaire its kind of nice if you answer all the questions."
"Oh I see. Well I met this guy in New York last St. Patrick's Day near the brewery over by the Hudson river, the place right next to the slaughter house and the tannery. Well anyway Pookie had business there at the brewery so he took me with him, well he had business to tend to there was this guy there that showed me around the place and when we ended up in the tasting room, well after drinking a few beakers or flasks, what ever they call them he said he would show me the cooling vault. I thought it was a cold storage for furs, but you know what it was? It was a place where they chilled the beer. Who'd a thought that is what that was for? I mean if they use the word vault there would be something expensive inside, not a bunch of different glass beer bottles with famous beer labels. I mean you can see that anywhere, like, like one of them places where you buy beer."
"A beer store?"
"Yeah that's it, a beer store. Well anyway we got lost in all those aisles and passages of cases and cases of beer and he was concerned for me, said I could die of exposure in cold temperatures. He said I should try and stay warm, keep my blood circulating. So I suggested that we walk around until we found our way out, but he said that wasn't too smart, they sent a guy to do inventory 3 weeks before that and he still hasn't been heard from and once they found a skeleton of someone who got lost in them. He said our best bet would be to just let them find us, to stay in one place. Well I asked him how we were going to keep our blood circulating if we don't move? He said that when he was in the military and they took survival lessons they were told that by briskly rubbing bodies together or with hands you could stay warm and keep your circulation going and that would be much better than to pass out from exhaustion walking corridor after corridor, going deeper and deeper, no food or water and not knowing when or even if we will find our way out. It all sounded perfectly logical to me, I mean it made sense. Don't you think?"
"Uh sure, makes perfect sense and what happened next?"
"Well anyway he said that he should start on me first and then I can briskly rub him when I was warm enough. So I stood there while he started briskly rubbing me and did you know he knew right where to rub to get me warm all over?"
"Uh hm, uh, er well I have heard of this survival technique, but a little vague on its procedure when in an actual survival situation, so you may as well give me all the details so I can paint the big picture so to say."
"I'm starting to wonder what kind of picture you are painting now."
"Go on, go on please with your story and remember, details are important."
"Well anyway he said he was feeling very numb from exposure and suggested I rub him briskly in a more active area on his person. That is when he slid my hand in his "more active area" that I really understood what he meant, I thought it would be like his chest first like he did to me and then grope around for a little while. Well I didn't realize that he had a hidden camera and he took pictures of me briskly rubbing his more active area."
"And what exactly is it that you would like me to do Miss.?"
"Oh that's right I haven't told you who I am, please forgive me. Miss Dew, Honey Dew."
"Nice to meet you uh...Miss Dew." smiling and thinking to myself that I hope she do.
"Now he is invited to Pookie's Christmas party and he said if I do not do some more brisk rubbing he would show Pookie the pictures and say it was all my idea. You have just got to get those pictures from him before he gets here."
"So this brewery guy is back in the Big Apple, Mr. Big is in San Fransisco, I am in Los Angeles, so how in the hell did you get my name off a toilet stall?"
"Oh that, yes. Well I was driving down to talk to a friend of mine to see if she knew of anyone who could help me. I stopped outside Los Angeles at an old gas station and went to relieve my self and freshen up and while I was sitting there I thought I would read up on the local scene and came across a poem devoted to you and how it made them move, but you know, I don't think it was in a romanticist way that you moved them, something in the poem anyway made me think that maybe you had upset this one a little bit, but she did manage to say you were a private investigator, she had a hard time finding a word for a specific part of her anatomy rhyming with that and below it your address, so I came to you instead."

If she went to all that trouble to find me, well I might as well take this case. Anyway as she would say, what do I have to do. I mean she is in the office.

"I'll get right on this Miss Dew. I just drive down to Tijuana and scrounge around for some information."
"Pookie is in San Fransisco, not in Tijuana. Why do you need to go down there to find out something?"
"I need to verify a few things and if there is anything to know, it will be known in Tijuana."

This I said in my most private eye demeanors and suavely assuring look. I mean it is one of those accepted perks, private investigators in Florida go to the Bahamas, Virgin Islands or the Caribbean to gather their "information", Los Angeles has Tijuana for the same bogus reason, we can get someone else to pay for it and it is like a mini vacation and so again cutting corners in the family tradition.

"How long will you be there looking for information?"
"A day, maybe day and a half depending."
"Depending on what?"
"Depending if I don't get caught up in a more intimate interrogation of a potential witness."
"Oh you mean if the hooker will go as low as you intend to pay."
"It would be strictly about the case I can assure you that. It will all be on the expense report with receipts."
"The party is on the 24th and this is the 22nd, you can't waste time."
"Was the 22nd, it is now 12:47, its the 23rd. You got someplace to stay while you are here?"
"I have my friend, but I haven't been able to reach her."
"Well I have a friend too, funny how that works. Well anyway this friend of mine is a private investigator too, I am not saying she would be willing, she may be on a case now and not have the time. Her name is Yadnus, Yadnus Drew. One of the better private investigators, she actually solves the case."
"Yadnus? What kind of name is Yadnus?"
"Chinese, on her mother's side. A very respectable name Yadnus. So how did you find out he was taking pictures?"
"Well he held this thing above his head that he said would absorb the body heat and then this thick piece of paper with a thin heat pack layer would eject out and then he would place under his armpits to help him fight the cold. I told why hadn't he let me use it too, he said when it was my turn to be briskly rubbed again I could have the warmers."
"Maam, that was a Polaroid camera, it makes pictures on the spot."
"I didn't know it was a Polaroid camera at the time though. He said it was to absorb body heat."
"Come on, we need to get going if we going to beat this thing."

We drove over to Yadnus' loft in a more ritzy part of town, 1:35am. She shot at me for a lot less before this, I still hope she will just be taking pot shots and not aiming.

I pressed the buzzer to her loft and waited for her to reply. I pressed it again, well maybe a half dozen to maybe 12 times more and finally she replied.

"I do hope this is worth a lot to you, because if it isn't worth anything to me, looks like someone will regret twice tonight and wished they had thought about it before doing it."
"Hey Yadnus, its me Stone."
"Okay. Stone who?"
"Stone Yadnus, Stone Head."
"Well which is it? Stone Yadnus or Stone Head?"
"Geez Yadnus, it is Stone Head. We worked that cycle theft ring together."
"You mean the tricycle thefts at the daycare center? That wasn't a case, that was me there dropping off my niece and you hitting on a teacher. All they had said was that the tricycles had disappeared and do not understand what could have happened to them. You are the one who started the investigation and then when you found out the janitor had repainted them the night before and was waiting for them to dry before returning them, still tried to charge them for your time. Go away."
"Come Yadnus just listen to me. I got a case on Mr. Big, well rather a case concerning him and I could use your help right about now."
"Mr. Big, the Mr. Big, Biggie Big out of San Fransisco?"
"Yeah, that Mr. Big."
"Go away."
"I got his attache with me here, you know the little secret from the wife and I just need a place to stash her for a few hours while I run down to Tijuana and do some fact finding."
"I thought Mr. Big was in San Fransisco, not in Tijuana. Isn't he having some sort of Christmas party on the 24th in San Fransisco?"
"Yeah he is."
"Yeah he is what? In San Fransisco or throwing a party on the 24th?"
"Yeah on both there Yadnus."
"Then why do you need to go to Tijuana to do some "fact finding"?"
"Good source of information Yadnus, you know that."
"A good source for you to find someone else to pay for it while you chase shots and senoritas all night."
"Its strictly business, why can't I get anyone to believe that?"
"I asked him the same thing and he acted the same way towards me. I think he is a lot like that no good Ruffie we are looking for."
"Ruffie? Ruffie from the brewery on the Hudson river next to the slaughter house and tannery?"
"Wow, yes how did you know?"
"You get lost in the er...uh..cooler..uh..vault too?"
"Oh geez, how did you know? You are a very good private investigator."
"And I imagine there were the survival tactics he showed you, so you won't die from being exposed from the elements?"
"Wow! You know all of this already and don't even know my name, you are good."
"How can I help you Stone Henge?"
"Its Stone Head Yadnus."

Now maybe it was just me, but I thought I heard a "too" in that conversation, so maybe Yadnus had a little more stake in this than I thought and maybe, just maybe at a more reasonably discounted rate. So I explained to her Miss Dew's dilemma and I just needed her to sit on her for a few hours while I drove down to Tijuana and did my investigating thing.

Next: Tijuana
Continued

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