Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 2nd Installment~~Tijuana~

Tijuana

Four twenty am, made good time driving down it seems, now find a likely watering hole where I can uh, get some information. I spotted it, Juan's Juan Mo Time, a dive, but it looked like it had possibilities, it was 4:25am and it was still open. Yes it had possibilities.

"Nachos, uno cervesa por favor."

A few minutes later the bartender placed a plate of corn chips with melted cheese and a warm beer.

"Hey, I didn't order these."
"Yes senor you did order them. You said Nachos and one beer."
"Yeah, nachos, like in beunos nachos amigo. You know, good evening."
"That is beunos noches, not nachos senor. You eat nachos."
"Noches, nachos, damn confusing language."
"Not confusing to me senor."
"¿Puedo obtener alguna información sobre Mr Big aquí?"
"You mean Biggies Bigs senor?"
"Si, Biggie Big Pedro."
"Its Juan senor, or this place would be called Pedro's Place."
"Juan, Pedro, its all the same. Entonces, ¿qué puedes decirme acerca de Mr Big?"
"Senor, why you keep speaking in Spanish?"
"So no one understands what we are talking about."
"Look around you senor, tell me what do you see."
"Locals, Mexicans, why?"
"You think they don't understand Spanish?"
"Okay, you got me there Pedro. You know pig latin?"
"What you want to know Senor?"
"You heard anything about Mr. Big, where he is at, what plans he got cooking?"
"Yeah senor I know something, but it will cost you."
"How much Pedro?"
"Its good information senor, what is it worth to you?"
"A fin?"
"Five dollars? Senor why Americans so funny or why they think we just accept anything you throw at us?"
"Okay Pedro I get your point here. How much is it going to cost me?"
"Not money senor. I have plenty money."
"Then what is it you want?"
"I have a sister senor, a well, a sister with a wonderful personality like you Americans say."
"Oh a sister with a wonderful personality."
"Yes senor, a wonderful personality."
"And a lot of her to go around I am sure Pedro."
"Is that a remark about her weight senor?"
"Why Pedro, is she fat? One too many tamales?"
"Now why you want to say that senor? My sister is lovely."
"And has a wonderful personality Pedro, you forgot that one."
"Does it ever make you wonder senor?"
"Does what ever bother me Pedro?"
"Never mind senor, we'll just keep doing it."
"So what is that you would like me to do for this information?"
"You see senor my sister has liked this one gentleman for a very long time, but it seems that he cannot see her beauty or the advantages she offers. All I want you to do is pay a little attention to my sister today so that it would be noticed by this one particular gentleman my sister has chosen. A small enough favor for what I offer you senor, don't you think?"
"So let me get this straight, for the information you will give only if I pay your sister a bit of attention while in the presence of this particular dude your sister has singled out as the weakest in the herd and needs a little help going in for the kill."
"If that's the way you want to look at it senor, si."
"And this information is the latest on Mr. Big?"
"Yes, I just find out about it myself senor."
"I knew I would have luck in Tijuana, you got a deal Pedro."

So Pedro, I mean Juan, he too sensitive on that issue if you ask me, filled me in on his sister's gentleman friend, I referred to him as "the kill". Well anyway, now where have I heard that? Never mind, as I was saying, anyway he gave me the skinny on this guy Raffie. Came from New York a while back, worked as a barrel filler at a brewery on the Hudson, river, yeah, yeah, I know what you are thinking, but this is a different one, instead of being near a slaughterhouse and a tannery, it is near a tannery and a slaughterhouse, two completely different things and I am sure two different men. He was here because New York was getting too hot and he needed to find a place and chill a while, which got me think if it is cooler in Tijuana than New York and it is the middle of winter, darn global warming coming down like a freight train. He then filled me in on his sister and her little obsession with men, which sounded more to me like she majored in Kama Sutra in school and then managed to turn it into a hobby.

Raffie came in at 11:00am sharp every day. Ordered same dish every day, meneudo, a savory blend of tripe with chilies and other gastronomic anomalies, chorizo con huevos, fritos de papas and coffee. His sister would be in around nine and I should clean up. I stepped out back where there was an old cast iron sink basin bolted to the wall and a water hose wired to a nail, figured this was the hospitality room. He stepped out a back door and handed me a damp bar rag to dry with, said he cleaned up a rum fruit drink so I should smell okay. I hung my jacket and shirt on a limb of a tree and started hosing down my head, getting some of the road grit off, I'll get those windows fixed soon, I thought about this information Juan has, must be good if he just got it, maybe it could lead to some larger high profile job, I mean who knows? Mr. Big knows a lot of people, stepped on a lot of toes, parlayed a lot of favors and is sitting fat, a fat little plumb ripe for picking. This may be the ticket out of Rutville, cruising on Easy Street and writing my own ticket. Yeah, it's moments like these you realize that maybe this time you didn't step in horse crap and you could come out smelling like a rose. Yeah we'll get this done, maybe even call it a favor for the little lady, get the foot in the door with Mr. Big, well maybe I'll take 10% off expenses. I got people breathing down my neck for a little bit of the green too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Senor, my sister she is here now, hurry."
"Yeah, sure Pedro just a few more minutes."

I was looking at my shirt, it had seen better days. Used to be white, but I am kinda leaning more to the gray side, more a yellowish gray, it has to be that detergent I am showering with, it just not getting the clothes white. I looked at the bar rag, those red stains, hm. I walked over to my shirt and started making streaks down it with the red stained bar rag, working it in it started to look pretty good, some of the edge techno cutting crap kind of thing, you know industrial colors, high tech, at least it looked different. I looked over at my jacket, dark green, should have worn the gray one. There was a polished hub cap nailed to the tree, I slipped my jacket on and looked. Damn elf. Red shirt and green jacket, a damn elf, but at least the shirt smelled good. Made note to self to start saving all the paper towels used to wipe up fruit juice spills. Cutting corners, what can I say? I am my parent's son.

I should call Yadnus and let her know that I am going to be in possession of some very valuable information concerning Mr. Big. Straightening my tie, gold tie, streaked red shirt, green jacket, Tijuana Santa Claus, first one sits in my lap I am going to shove a candy someplace they couldn't possibly thought possible. Walking through the front door of Juan's Juan Mo Time, I gazed casually across the room, smelled like urine, then around the corner she walked. I thought I was going to have to duct tape my jaw in place, it hit the floor when she entered, I mean you couldn't have stacked bricks any tighter. I dropped my gaze when she looked towards me, looked at her with head tilted forward slightly, sneer on my lips and introduced myself.

"Buenos dias Chiquita. Mi es Stone, Stone Head y su nombre es?"
"Well it is not Chiquita Mr. Elf."
"Okay Senorita, what is it that they call you?"
"That depends on "who" they are Mr. Elf."
"Yeah, what did your brother grow up calling you?"
"Stupid Bitch."
"Alright, what did your teachers call you?"
"Absent most of the time, the other times it was just "that girl" seems they do not understand how I graduated from school seeing how I spent so much time in his office, what they refuse to admit to themselves, that is how I graduated."
"What do your parents call you?"
"You pregnant again?"
"Crap. What is your name?"
"Why you not just ask that the first time and not what everyone else calls me?"
"Yeah, yeah, my mistake. So what is your name?"
"Nina."
"Nina. Well Nina it is nice to meet you."
"I sure for you it is, but you wouldn't be exactly my first choice Mr. Elf."
"So did Juan speak to you?"
"Juan speaks to me every day, 'Nina, you can't be doing that in the booths or Nina, you cannot use the bathrooms as your private offices and No Nina, I will not install a two way mirror between the men's and women's room so you can screen you perspective boyfriends.' crap like that."
"I mean he talk to you about you and me?"
"Okay cowboy, now I don't know what Juan may have told you, but I do not take a relative's referral, they usually a lot like you, except not dressed like a big elf and that is another thing, I do not do fetishes, if you got something you need scratched, you need to learn to scratch it for yourself because cowboy I am not going there. Find someone else to dig spurs into and slap on the rear yelling Viva Zapata."
"Yelling Viva Zapata? Why would I want to yell that?"
"Either way it is $50.00 an hour, 15% minimum gratuity and a minimum of 2 hours, unless it is past midnight, then you pay for 3 and get 4. No funny clothes, no diaper changing and pay in advance."
"No, no you got it all wrong."
"Well it is not free cowboy. I don't care what Juan told you."
"It has nothing to do with that."
"So you just want to watch? That costs too."
"Listen, I'm a private investigator out of Los Angeles down here working a case."
"Ah, you like to take pictures of me and your "case" in a more relaxed atmosphere? That costs too."
"Nah, Juan has some information about the case I am working on and he said if I paid attention to you a little, you know slap the rear, whistle and maybe a squeeze or two while Raffie is here watching, maybe making him realize that he should pay more attention to you and for that Juan will give me the information."
"So you pay me attention while Raffie watches and he gets jealous because he thinks you and I are shaking the moraccas in bed and he gives you another reason to grow a second chin, to hide that nasty scar on your neck."
"From what I understand he doesn't pay you any attention at all, gives it all to the other ladies."
"You think I am not good enough for him cowboy?"
"I didn't say that. Listen you want to do this or not?"

Well on about eleven that morning he shows up. Skin tight silk shirt opened to his navel with some kind of flowers with naked ladies posing inside them and it was also the exact same pattern he had chosen for his body tattoo. A pair of Levi 505s, two sizes too small and a pair of cockroach corner killing boots, you know, those real pointed toe boots, dyed tangerine and turquoise and gold chains around his neck. I could see the outlined haft of a knife through his jeans, he had it inside left his boot. He wore a black Clint Eastwood style hat, you know the one, he wore it in the movie 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'. I don't know to what part he associated himself to, but I am betting it wasn't the good or bad. I thought this guy was wearing a mohair ascot there was so much fur and probably the reason he couldn't button his shirt. This guy was the poster child for ugly and not in the cute ugly way either, I mean if you beat him with a club it would have been an improvement ugly. Some ladies are attracted to that, that rugged look as they call it, a man who has seen life, rugged look, that is the face of one who has kissed one too many chain link fences and forgot to duck a few times around a swinging baseball bat. I decided it was time to call Yadnus and fill her in why Raffie made himself comfortable.

"Hey Yadnus, its me."
"Me who?"
"Stone, Yadnus, Stone Head."
"You still can't make up your mind can you?"
"Listen I got a lead on Mr. Big down here. I met this Mexican bartender named Pedro, Juan, Julio, well anyway he has some information he just heard about Mr. Big and as soon as I do him this little favor he will give me the information."
"Little favor? What kind of little favor?"
"Well he has this sister and he asked me for a small favor."
"Never mind Stud, you just do what you have to do "for the case", I'm looking for this Ruffie character, I thought he might have developed a big lead for you if you found him."
"And that's why I go to Tijuana, for those kinds of leads."
"Okay Sherlock you just keep developing those leads down there. By the way, tomorrow's Christmas eve, you going to make it to San Fran?"
"Yeah, I booked a flight out of here to there for tomorrow afternoon, I'll be there in plenty of time and with what I need to close this case."
"You might start with a clue and go from there."
"So how is the little package holding up?"
"About your little package, I just want to let you know I am charging you for all of this."
"Charging me for what? All she needs is a chair to sit in."
"You owe me $785.00 to be exact."
"How do you get $785.00?"
"Oh, that is what it cost for a new toilet and the plumber to install it."
"Why do I need to pay for you a new toilet?"

So Yadnus proceeded to tell me the story of how I owe her for a new toilet. Seems the emergency crew had to break the old one to release Miss Dew's foot and to get her head unstuck, it had become wedged between the toilet and the tub. Yadnus was going to clean her shower that day with vinegar, brightens the grout and kills all the mold and mildew, well Miss Dew said that it was also good as an exfoliate for the body and told Yadnus that she would be happy to do it for her while she showered, clean the grout and exfoliate the body. While in the shower Miss Dew had noticed she let a few things go and seem they were getting a little long on hair so to say and decided to do a little upkeep maintenance, shave the legs, do a little trimming and shaping, only this is,is that she did this before the grout exfoliate thing. The next thing Yadnus heard was screaming like a cat fighting itself, so she runs into the bathroom and she said Miss Dew was dancing around in the shower like she was on fire. Before she knew it Miss Dew had jumped up into the air, had shifted her weight and when she landed her left foot went into the toilet, which threw her head forward and to the left side where her head got wedged between the toilet and the tub. She said she was very uncomfortable looking and she did not know what to do for her except call the fire department, who told her the only way they could get her unstuck was break the toilet, hence calling the plumber and getting a new toilet at holiday ream you out prices.

"Couldn't you have just greased her up with some Vaseline or lard and got her loose? She could have taken another shower, water a lot cheaper than a new toilet."
"Well that is what your running tab totals to now."
"She okay? I mean nothing that Mr. Big might get upset over?"
"Not unless he is going to blame you for her being stupid, you're safe."
"She going to be able to make it? I mean show up in San Fran?"
"Yeah, she'll be fine, she is just going to walk like she welcomed home the Navy's Fifth Fleet personally for a few days."
"I'll let you go now, time for me to get my little favor I owe done."
"Yeah, you break a leg down there."
"That is what you tell an actor before they go onstage."
"Yeah I know that Stone, I just hoped you'd break a leg while you're down there."

So I played my little performance for Raffie and an Oscar winning performance it was.

Next: Raffie
Continued

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