Growing up we have all hated something, carrots, broccolli, liver, the little girl that wanted to play dolls, but those were things that you did not understand at a young age and didn't really understand the meaning of hate. It was a word that we had heard at a very early stage in our life and learned in passing and so it was added to our vocabulary and used as we thought it was meant to be. I think most of us learned it before we learned the words like or dislike, which would have been much more appropriate.
Once I learned what the word meant, I stopped using it. The word hate is as strong in it's meaning as is the word love and most use it as they would the word love, not really understanding the repercussions from it. Today I have felt it and I am sorry to say that that emotion plays within me.
For even though every fiber in my body strains not to feel it, every thought in my head has embraced it and what it means. This person who I trusted so much has forced me to feel this which I have not felt towards anyone since understanding what it means. As I sit here and contemplate the reasons why I am feeling this I try and find reasons not to, but none now come to me. This person has deceived me, made me think what I was doing was right, that in doing so I could always make up for it later. Made me believe that there is nothing that cannot be fixed or that if it couldn't be there was always someone else. I listened to these lies and I fed on them thinking they were not wrong, that they would not steer me wrong, just plat it out like they said I should. They led me into a feeling of complacency and had me thinking that there was nothing wrong, just keep doing as they told me. They had gotten me through this far in life and they would see me through this. That out of everyone I felt that had let me down, they were still with me and always would be.
I hate this person for who they are now that I see them for what they are and what I was led to believe was right. For all the lies I was fed from them to pass on, for all the hurt they have caused because I believed in them, for all the pain and disappointment they have wrought on completely innocent people. I have never in my life hated as I do now and I pray I never will again. The contempt I feel towards this person, the pain they have now laid at my feet I can never forgive them for. They have managed to destroy the last little bit of hope I had. I want them out of my life or what is left of it.
Maybe someday I will not feel what I do for this person, for what they have done. I hope I can, but for now I cannot see me doing that. Even though I cannot hide from them, even though they will always be there I will never forgive then for what they have done to me and to the ones I love and care for. I will face this person each and every day and know behind that smile there is nothing there. That in each word they speak I will not feel doubt as to the truth of what they say.
Yes, I have learned to hate today, I just never thought that person I have learned to hate would be me...
Later..
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2 comments:
I think there are a couple of times I have hated myself too. Once was almost enough to to do something drastic. But luckily I had others who loved me when I had none left for myself.
Changes come into our life and more often the arrive unwelcomed. The complacency just doesn't want to see the changes at all, it loved where it was, even if where it was, was a stagnant place and an attempt to hold back entropy.
But all things change and things must change and we have to change with it. Hopefully by planning well, we can optimize and give ourselves the best possible outcome of a changing set of circumstances.
But if we erred or miscalculated or grew lazy and complacent, then we shoulder the burden and despise ourselves. Everyone makes mistakes and some seem small and insignificant and some seem major Armageddon proportions and all others seem irrelevant compared to our own.
Rejection?
We all get rejection, not only in love but other elements of life too like a promotion at work or for work. We can't allow it to consume us even though we know it's going to bring a little depression and a hell of a lot of cross-examination. Later, after the 'time is a great healer' cliché, we find that this moment was not just the end of something, but also the beginning of something else.
Love and acceptance are important to everyone and when it doesn't conform to how we want it to plan and shape out, we criticize ourselves. It's just important to remain true to yourself. Someone loves you just the way you are.
Self realization? Finally looking in the mirror and seeing the person who is standing there? Accepting who I am and what I have done? So many reasons.
But I am the one who has to live with it and I will be the one to change it and I am sure I can.
You used the word ambiguous the other day in our talk. It was ambiguous of me to think I could have gotten away with it.
What I did to myself I can and will live with, it is what I did to another that pains me.
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