A
roller coaster to no where plummeting into an abyss of total
darkness, sucking in light like a cosmic black hole with a
gravitational pull that does not allow escape. To be trapped in a
vacuous neither world, surreal akin to a Dante vision of a warped
reality, I felt myself being predicated to a life both real and
unreal. Sounds stretched like amusement park taffy drifting in and
out of audibility wracked at my brain like fingernails being drawn
across a chalkboard. My body convulsing in painful torment as I
fought to gain control over my senses that seemed disconnected.
Flashes of light firing off like sparks emitted from an electrical
short, pulses of light like the flashing of a high intensity strobe
paralyzing me momentarily until the next blinding pulse fires off. My
feet moving in a forward motion, but going nowhere as I struggle to
run trying to escape this limbo of nothingness I have fallen into. It
is an emptiness I could feel, a nothingness with substance that held
to me not allowing for escape. I'm here, but I'm not here, destined
to be tormented by my own fears. Is this what I had created for
myself, a place of self torment, trapped by my on design in a world I
had seen only myself in? The loneliness I felt beat in my chest is
like a heart starved of oxygen losing it's fight to sustain life it
supports. My lungs filled with fear like a man drowning, sinking
deeper into the unfathomable depths of darkness. I wanted to scream
out, but to what to who? I struggle to make an utterance, but I had
no voice. This vacuous place I was in quietens even my audible
senses. I could hear what I wanted to say, but to say it was
impossible.
My
head bows and I can feel a tear rolling down my cheek. Is it my tear?
Am I feeling remorse for something I had done or is it self pity
overtaking me in this moment of my darkest despair? I can feel the
darkness gripping me tighter like a constrictor suffocating it's prey
before it devours it. I feel life slowly being squeezed out of me and
I want to succumb to it, to end this unbearable pain. Another tear
rolls down my cheek and again I wonder if it is my tear? Who else
would cry for me if not myself? The sparks and pulses of light start
to diminish, the sounds of nothingness seem to fade, but the darkness
intensifies as I feel myself struggling less in the ever tightening
grip of this place. My head rolls from side to side as this
constrictor wraps itself tighter and tighter. I have nothing left in
me to fight, I feel as empty as this place I am in. I feel like
giving in to this hoping the torment will stop and let me alone and
end this suffering that tears at me, rendering me as empty as this
world I am trapped in.
Slowly
I feel myself slipping into this nothingness I am in, becoming a part
of it as much as it was a part of me. My head jerks back as I feel
the grip of the coils squeezing the last essence of life from me. No
lights now, no sounds taunting me, just an impenetrable darkness that
engulfs me completely, filling me as it seeps into my being. Coldness
is my only sense now, a cold emptiness that takes up the vacuum where
life once was. My eyes close as I feel myself at the doors of my fate
and as they close a piercing point of light penetrates the darkness
in my mind. I feel life in it, hope that in this despair I find
myself in there is salvation. Something that can deliver me from this
hell of emptiness, something that can breathe warmth back into this
cold that has filled me. I focus on that small point of light, not
thinking of the coils that shackle me to this place. I feel a need in
me to travel to that light, I feel it calling to me from far off like
a whisper on the wind it comes to me.
“Mahal.
Mahal come to me. You're home, please Mahal come to me now.” I feel
another tear rolling down my cheek. I feel confused. Is this more
torture I must endure? Words taunting me, teasing me into a false
hope? “Mahal, please hear me. I am waiting for you as you wanted.
Please my Mahal don't do this to me. Come back to me now.” I feel a
warmth brush across my face and a softness resting against it. It is
coming from the light, the words, the warmth I am feeling now. It
brings a strength to me from within to fight this which is holding me
in this place. I pull myself towards the light, struggling to free
myself from this place of darkness. Slowly I see that point of light
grow, broadening and as I feel it shed it's light on me I feel the
warmth that it emits. My arms fight to pull themselves free from the
coils wrapped tightly around them. I claw at the darkness to pull
myself towards the light and and to the life I feel that emits it.
“Mahal I'm waiting, please come back to me, please.” The light
surrounds me now and I can feel the coils of the dark constrictor
that had bound me to the darkness behind loosen their grip and writhe
in spasms to pull itself away from the light. The darkness recedes
back into the nothingness and gives way to the life the light brings.
My fears subside and the loneliness that beat like a struggling heart
calms and I can feel the warmth only love can give. The voice is
clearer now, no longer a whisper, “Mahal I love you, I love you so
very much. Please don't leave me, don't do this to me. I can't live
without you.” I can feel a hand now gripping my hand. I can feel
the warmth of a breath on my neck and the softness of a kiss. “Please
Mahal.”
My
eyes opened suddenly, slowly they focused on my surroundings. I was
in a room flooded with light and and warmth. I could hear people
talking, not in a language I could understand, but happy I could hear
them. Then a voice I knew, a voice I hard heard many times over a
long distance. “Shh. Dadee doesn't feel well, please keep your
voice down Little One. You want dadee to get better?” “Yes momma
I want.” came the reply. I turned my head towards the door as she
entered, a tear that I knew was mine rolled down my face as her eyes
looked at mine. She smiled and in a few steps was beside me, her face
lowered to mine, her hand on my chest, “Hello Mahal.” “Hello
Love.” I whispered. “How did I get here?” “Oh Mahal, you
don't remember?” she asked puzzled. “No I don't remember Mahal.”
“The plane Mahal from Manila you were on crashed landing. You were
thrown from the plane when it hit the ground.” ”What are you
talking about? What plane? What crash?” “Its been almost three
weeks you have been in the hospital Mahal. You don't remember
anything? Not even coming home?” She looked down at me waiting for
me to answer her. I could see the worry in her eyes now. “You're
home now Mahal, that's all that's important. No need you remember
that time anyway. I just want you better and in good health. The
children want you home.” Yes Mahal I know.” She smiled looking
down at me, “I bring a Little Monkey with me Mahal, your Little
Monkey.” I looked past her and across the room sitting in a chair
swinging her feet that couldn't touch the ground watching Dora the
Explorer sat my Little Princess. “Little One are you going to hug
my neck and give me a kiss?” I asked her. She looked over at me and
smiled, “You want dadee?” “Of course I want silly Little
Monkey.” “Can I have fried chicken and a donut and a chocolate
and a coke?” “Of course you can.” I replied smiling. “Will I
hurt your bones?” I looked down at myself, both legs in casts to my
waist, my right arm and shoulder in a cast, my head wrapped and
bandaged, multiple I. V.s inserted in my left arm and both hands and
a back brace. She walked slowly over to me and climbed up on the
rails of the hospital bed and wrapped her arms around my neck then
kissed my cheek. “I love you dadee.” “I love you too Little
One.”
“Mahal
you want to rest now?” “No I don't want. I've had enough rest.”
“You're weak Mahal, you need to heal. You have many injuries. We
will let you rest now.” she reasoned holding my hand. “No Mahal I
don't want you to leave, I want you here. It was you that gave me the
will to want to see another day. I was in a bad place Mahal and I am
afraid if I close my eyes I will go back to it.” “Mahal you're
home now and the only place you are going is to #2 Republic St.
Little One and I will stay here with you if you want Mahal, you won't
be alone.” “No Mahal, I won't be alone ever again.”
She
pulled a chair next to the bed and sat next to me and held my hand.
“Are you happy now Mahal you're home?” Looking into her eyes I
smiled, “I couldn't be happier if it were our wedding day. Mahal I
had so many bad dreams, I felt like I was leaving this world, leaving
you behind. I was in a very dark place and I felt like I would never
escape, like it was holding me there, not letting me escape it's hold
on me. I kept feeling tears on my cheeks and whispers floating all
around me. I was so afraid and alone their Mahal.” “Those were my
tears Mahal, I haven't left you since Ate called me and saw on the
news about the plane crash. She called the airlines and gave them
your name, they said you had been transported to the hospital. I
fetched Little One from school and came fast to you Mahal. Ate take
care of Little One at night, but I stayed here with you. I haven't
left you. I would hold you Mahal and I cried so much afraid I would
lose you. I whisper in your ear not to leave me, to come back to me.
I too was afraid Mahal. The doctor even tell me to prepare myself,
that you may not live. You were in a coma all these weeks.” “Yes,
but I'm here now Mahal and I didn't die. As I said before as you are
my destiny, I am your destiny. We were meant to be together and
together we will be Mahal, forever and always.” She smiled, tears
rolling down her cheeks, “Yes Mahal, always and forever.”
Later...
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