I GUESS IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE
Monday, January 3, 2011
2010 in Retrospect
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Pics...
Monday, October 18, 2010
Back Soon
Have had a few things happen since I last posted, but I haven't forgot. Please bear with me. I appreciate your patience.
Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.
Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Unsinkable Molly Brown Went Down in a Calm Sea Today
She was born first of October and it wasn't until mid November before I would have her, at 6 weeks a puppy so small it could curl up in the palm for your hand and still see your fingers, so fat you could not see her feet and a small nub where her tail should have been, she was one of those rare chihuahuas that are born tailless, unlike where most had it surgically done while still a young pup. She could fit in my top shirt pocket and often you could find her there with her little head and two front paws peeking out over the opening. We bonded fast, no one could come near me without her wanting to tear into them and wreck their nerves with her incessant barking until they left. She would escort them to the door nipping at their heels and once the storm door was shut, she would look out at them growling and wiping her back paws on the carpet. She was a very protective companion, even cockroaches didn't stand a chance with her. When we would all be out in the yard on cool summer evenings, she would patrol the flower beds and hedges and chase all the toads away. Wasn't a safe squirrel in the trees or a bird feeder we ever had to refill after we put it up, because not even the birds wanted to enter air space over my house. I would actually see squirrels cross the street in our neighbor's yard, go down the yard of the house directly across from ours and then recross the street to climb a tree in the neighbor's yard on the other side of me.
After about 6 months we had decided it was safe to take her on a trip to New Braunfels to visit the grandparents. That was a trip in itself. It wasn't that she wasn't used to riding in a car, but the scenery outside the car's windows was all new to her and she went back and forth across the dash board of the car looking at everything we passed and if it really had her attention, she would jump across seats and up onto the rear deck of the car and continue her barking and we soon found out, she had a lot of new stuff to bark at. Even the bugs that met the proverbial windshield of life going 70 miles per hour, she would bark and paw at the splotch left on the window. I can remember the first time we used the windshield wipers, she went bonkers. I am not talking about that yip, yip, yip thing, I am talking all out jumping frenzy, blood curdling barks that would make you think she was fixing to break through the tempered glass and bring those wipers to a dreary demise. Then when we got to the in-laws and I was holding her, as we passed the wind shield wipers she felt it was her duty to set out on one more barking binge until something else caught her attention. Which fortunately for me good fortune smiles and out walks my father-in-law, Molly meet Grampa. As he extended his hand to shake mine she was clamped down on his thumb and in the throes of sending him and his thumb quickly to the ground and I never thought she could have learned that trick so fast watching reruns on PBS of President Ford's CIA, NSA, NCIS, Marine Corps and FBI body guards that wrestled Mr. Fords thumb quickly to the ground after they noticed his arm quickly and violently and giving the offending hand attached the momentum to propel itself in an upward arching motion to offend the right eye of the President and swiftly acting before the thumb could cause even more serious injury to the President's right eye up to brain penetration and a sure but agonizing death or a frontal lobotomy, which if you watched this guy for any length of time, you would have thought he had already been lobotomized swiftly locked in on their target and initiating a well rehearsed scenario acted in a synchronous fluid movement quickly bought the offending thumb down and in the melee which ensued shortly after they had seized the offending thumb bringing the President down with it. All the time you could hear the President in a very nervous high pitched sissy scream saying, "Hey now! Hey guys that's my F*#$ing hand you're breaking." With our brave Presidential bodyguards replying, "Don't worry Mr. President we have the situation well in hand now, you're safe." Eagerly and without hesitation or without fear of death defending me with the same well coordinated movement tried to subdue the offending hand coming towards mine. She let Grampa know very quickly that you would have to go through her to get to me and she was nothing to be trifled with. That was the weekend of discovery for her, those four legged creatures she saw eating in the fields and about 100 times her size let us see what a real dog can do. She actually ran after them leaping from my arms and leaving nothing but a trail of dust and small pebbles that ricochet off your ankles behind her heading to those bovine she found so offensive for some reason or if you are of a faith that teaches of reincarnation she was a reincarnation of a very pissed off wife who saw her booze guzzling, belching, farting, lazy undershirt wearing, spandex wrapped ass husband reincarnated in those cows, steers and one Brahma and Limousine cross cross bull, over 17 hands high to the top of his shoulders, a pair of slightly downward arching horns about fourteen inches long and as wide as a Silverado 3/4 ton four door powered by an Audi 6.6 liter turbo injected diesel and the Allison transmission 4x4 off road capable pickup truck, she proceed to take on the biggest one first or maybe it was just because she thought they were just really big dogs and wanted to sniff their butts to see what they have been eating. None the less she proved to us she thought she had adopted us and felt responsible for our personal safety untill we were old enough to take care of her and made sure the cattle stayed at a respectful distance at all times. She let everyone and everthing know she was taking us under her protection and that she was our first line of defense, our four legged missle that never missed a target.
Yes that wonderful 48 hour weekend in hell when Molly had decided that the other two four legged, fur bearing, kibble eating inhabitants they fell lower on the food chain than she did and instantly set the pecking order which naturally made her first. She would lie in ambush behind the sofa, chair, recliner and any other form of concealment and wait patiently for one of those two poor excuses for what could vaguely be called mongrel much less a bonified fur bearing, loyal, protective, four legged some what pedigreed canine or to the less informed a dog, to unwittingly cross her path and run out in quick darting attacks, yipping and attacking the flanks or rear posterior making sure if she couldn't do any physical harm, would at least give them a nervous breakdown with her frequent blitzkreig like psycological warfare tactics of never knowing when or where her next bombing mission would come from and being as small as she was there were a lot of places she could squeeze into to launch her attacks from.
Never in my life had I become so attached to such a possessive woman. She was always there through everything, making her mark in life and in the life of everything around her. There was always Molly, always a nudge to get you to move and make room for her, always a little wet tongue kissing you, always the little puppy that found your ear lobe in the middle of the night and mistook it for a teet sucked on it in her sleep, always the little dog that when she ran in fast blurring circles through out the house, reminded you of the story book Little Black Sambo and the tiger that chased him in circles so fast it turned to butter. That fearless 5 pound Chihuahua who thought it was a Doberman Pincer moved into my heart as easily as your child moves into your heart. No longer was she a dog or even thought about as a dog, no, she was one of us, one of the family. Tears flowed today as I slowly dug the hole that would accept her frail body, that lifeless vessal that once held within it a piece of me and who was a piece of me. So many memories flooded out with the tears as I slowly lowered her down, I could feel my strength leave me as my shaking hands pushed over the dirt that would cover her, shroud her and hold her.
Today the unsinkable Molly B. went down in calm seas, her last breath taken she now rests in my dreams and memories.
Later...
Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Ramblings...
We live in a world where we sort out the real from fantasy or we would like to think we are capable of telling the difference between the two. In a world where there are no guarantees and we are never in control of our destiny, much to the chagrin that many think they are. Many confuse destiny with control, instead of mapping a path in life, but no matter how well we plan, no matter how well we think we are prepared we find out along the way that the control we thought we had was more like trying to steer a hot air balloon. The most we can do is gain or lose altitude to find a favorable current that will take us in that direction we desire to go, then only with favorable winds do we come close. There are so many unpredictable obstacles that present themselves, that deter and detain us along our way, some even blind us or like a worm tongue try and dissuade us from what we are trying to achieve.
No matter what our course in life, we can never prepare for that we cannot foresee, we cannot plan a course that would avoid it or resolve it before it happens. It is something we have to deal with when it manifests itself to us. We can strengthen ourselves with experience of the past and hope those lessons we have learned have given us the knowledge to deal with what presents itself, but most likely it will be something that has not confronted us before, but it is the culmination of what we have learned from past experiences that we can understand it and overcome it or cope with it. There are some things in life that will always be with us no matter what we do, these things we usually bring on ourselves, it has marked us, but it is how we learn to live with it that will either make it an asset or a burden.
We whine, moan and complain about what has befallen us, we feel no other has ever been through what we have or are going through. True, it may not be exactly the same, but you are never alone in what you are feeling or what you are going through. Many before you have trod that well worn path and many will walk it after you. Some seek pity, sympathy or empathy to use as a crutch or to help heal the pain, but it is only the person going through that moment that can pull themselves from it. We choose our path in life, that does not mean we control what will happen along the way, all we can do is deal with it.
Most that befalls us in life is of our own doing, something we have done or said or not said or done and to complain about what has been set upon us to me is a very foolish thing to do. If we would only think before we do something, we would find that life or that path we have mapped out for ourselves would be a much easier row to walk, with less stones to bruise our feet and fewer ruts to trip us up, but being the human creatures we are, we act on impulse, reaction and feelings instead of thought. It is then after we have reacted that we think, we wonder if we did the right thing, said the proper thing, considered the consequences of our words or actions and how it will affect us or our destiny we have so meticulously mapped out. We could avoid much if it were not for our own vanity and pride we place so much belief in.
Are we really in control of our destiny or is it that when we realize that we live in a world of speculations and assumptions that we can start to see things more clearly, be able to define a more definite route we will take and learn to think before we act? I feel nothing is certain, not even death is predictable, death is inevitable, predictable no, not even suicide can be predicted, no one plans through out their life they will end theirs. That is a culmination of actions to leads to that moment. Events leading up to that defining moment when we feel that the burden we have taken on in life is to great for us to shoulder and it is decided in a moment, not in a life time.
We weep, we laugh, we scorn and we live, it is what we do between the point of birth and death that will define who we are. Life is not infinite, the circle is broken at some point and all lines come to an end. What we do and say to those along the path we chose will be how we are remembered, how we lived our life. The only control we have is over our actions and words, but those will not control our destiny, they make our destiny a little more clear. Where you are today is not where you will be tomorrow and you cannot predict that just as you could not predict yesterday where you are at today.
Later...
Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 5th and Absolute Final Installment~~Flight to San Fransisco Part 2 of 2(maybe)~
Flight to San Fransisco Part 2 of 2 of the final Installment(Yes, it is going to come to a heady conclusion here)
(maybe)
"So Raffie tell me about this Polaroid scam you got working, I mean is it able to go coast to coast, is that why you are going to meet with Mr. Big?"
"Polaroid scam? What makes you think we have a Polaroid scam going?"
"Two guys from the same city, same job, only different places, names a little alike, both talking about Polaroid film and seems you come to Tijuana for the he he he, cooler climate, it all starts to fall together. This Ruffie character will run the east coast operations while you toddle on up to San Fransisco and meet with Mr. Big and agree on his cut for protection and operating capital. You really don't have to be a psychic to figure that one out Diego."
"Oh Mr. Stone, you make me laugh a lot, maybe you talk to the airport manager and see if they have a position for comedian open. You could keep the waiting passengers entertained while they wait for their airplane."
"Yeah you laugh Diego, but there is more to this than some unsanctioned survival training in a beer cooler here."
"What do you know about that Mr. Stone? I never mentioned anything about survival training, did I?"
"You think you are the only one that knows what is going on? That is just a smoke screen, a ticket to Mr. Big. There is more than just rocks between my ears."
"Yes I am sure there is more senor, much more than just rocks, to bad though there is not enough of it to stop the rocks from shifting."
"Yeah whatever Diego, just remember this, I have it all figured out now and it's only a matter of time before you slip up, make that one little mistake and then that is where I jump."
"Sure senor I am sure you will. Oh and on the flight up to San Fransisco, if you feel the need to drain the iguana, the bathroom doors are the ones with the big handles and the big red circles."
Over the loud speakers they announced the boarding call for the flight to San Fransisco. I looked over at Raffie and that sneer across his face. Soon I would be wiping it off for him. Soon we were settled in our seats and the captain was informing us of our flight that day when I noticed Raffie sitting in front of me. If he only knew how transparent he was, how easily I had seen through his little plan, saw through that little smoke screen, maybe even Miss Dew is in on this. I tapped Raffie on his shoulder.
"Nice seats."
"Senor, ah at my back I see, I feel a little more comfortable now knowing you are watching my back."
"Just know I will be keeping an eye on you my friend."
"Ah so now we are friends senor and so quickly. Was it my personality or did you just like the way I dressed?"
"How about a common interest, Miss Honey Dew, yeah, you know who I am talking about. Mr. Big's little beneficiary, the one that will be at the Christmas party tonight. Is she the second part of your "ticket" to meet with Mr. Big?"
"Ah senor, yes, a friendship based on common interests can lead to many enlightening moments. I can see that maybe you and I may share a few. Would you not say so senor?"
"Feeling the need to enlighten me Diego?"
"Senor you know, you are a very funny man, not too bright yet seems to avoid being shot. You know as a child we were taught to respect the "special" people senor. Those ones who's light was on but the place is vacant. Now Mr. Stone what my business is with Mr. Big or with Honey Dew does not really concern you, well unless you get in the way, then there could be some minor altercations and slight change in the plans, oh and then the flowers senor, I will have to order the flowers too."
"Flowers for what Diego?"
"Why your funeral my friend. Do you think I would forget our friendship so quickly?"
"Yeah, you're a funny man too there Diego. Funny men make mistakes though and like I said, call me Michael Jackson, cause I'll be there."
"Remind me to buy tickets senor."
"Listen Diego, I am the last thing you want on your tail."
"Yes I am sure of that senor, but sad to tell you, I do not swing that way."
"You're a real wisecrack, just don't forget to cross your T's and dot your I's, I will be on you every step of the way."
"I will appreciate the company and the entertainment senor, but honestly I do not deserve such attention from you, yes I am unworthy of your attention senor. I am just a simple man with a simple life and simple needs. You should really focus your attention else where."
'Oh I can assure you my friend, I have more than enough attention to go around. I will see that nothing or no one is lacking of that."
"One of us will be lacking senor, I can assure you of that."
"Yeah I am sure one of us will be."
"So senor this Honey Dew what has she told you about me, I mean Ruffie?"
"Said he liked to give survival lessons in beer coolers and then document them with pictures, strange that it too was a Polaroid, don't you think? Again, we end up with the film. You see how this little circle revolves Diego?"
"Ah Mr. Stone you should run for president, I think the office would suit you quite well."
"Yeah I have been told I am a natural born leader and decision maker."
"Not exactly for those reasons senor."
"Because I can get the job done and I can see through the crap."
"Well again senor, not exactly for those reasons either."
"Well then why do you think that the office would suit me?"
"Because like all your predecessors you are totally clueless. Senor if a clue came up and bit you on your backside, you would slap at it."
"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but for now where does Miss Dew fit into all of this?"
"As I asked you senor earlier, what has she told you?"
"I told you, it has to do with you, this Ruffie character, who by the way in the State of New York you have to certified to give survival lessons isn't and Polaroid film."
"Exactly where do I fit in senor?"
"You said you had a Polaroid invitation to Mr. Big's little wingding. Adds up, doesn't it?"
"And you think that this Polaroid invitation you say I have has some connection with this so called Ruffie and Honey Dew's little beer cooler escapade?"
"She said he had a Polaroid camera that he at first said it was to gather body heat and store it in armpit packs. She found out later it was pictures of her rubbing his more active area."
"Yes, well senor I have heard stories of this survival technique before and have heard marvelous stories of its success, it keeps blood flowing the vital organ, if you understand what I am saying. Who's not to say that this technique is not a valid survival tactic, I mean you can generate as much heat as you could walking and enjoy yourself too. You would be surprised at how many people get lost in some of the big cold storage vaults, I tell you they either alcoholics before we find them or a freeze pop. So I am sure Honey Dew was saved from a horrible death due to exposure by this method and now feels this Ruffie guy is expecting a little more favor from her."
Good, he feels relaxed and now he is talking, this is where they usually mess up, when they are talking, but you have to be paying close attention while they are talking so that you find the trip wire that send them crashing down to eat the dirt of truth. Time for the first strike.
"I never said that Diego."
"Yes senor you did."
"No I didn't, I never mentioned a word about this Ruffie character expecting more favors from Miss Dew. I said it was a ticket in to see Mr. Big."
"Uh no senor, I am pretty sure you mentioned it, yes, pretty sure. Why else would I say it if I didn't hear it from you? I mean you been talking like some little old lady in a care unit for the aged, you probably don't even remember what you have said."
I reached up and placed my hand on his shoulder, squeezed tight as I pulled myself forward and whispered;
"Nah Diego, I am pretty sure I didn't. You can keep the comb in the boot."
"You think it can't hurt? It can put a very terrible scratch on you and that can get infected."
I let him sit there the rest of the flight in silence. I wanted him to think about our little talk, let him sweat, stew in it for a little while. Stew? Hm. Yeah stew would be good tonight, mutton or maybe a good seafood stew. You know when I was a kid we used to have stew on cold winter nights, yeah, a big slice of cornbread and a big bowl of mom's Spam stew, takes me back, chicken bone soup, that was her specialty and dad said the frying and then boiling killed all the bacteria and parasites, then dad coming home after digging through the chicken cannery's bone pile back near the sewer drainage ditch meant soup all week. Now when he hit the tuna and salmon processing plants there was meat in the stew and did you know that that approximately 75% of what we call common weeds out in the yard are actually edible. Momma used to fry those chicken skins till they were like potato chips. Yeah he was thinking now. He knows I caught the slips, the trips and sooner than he thinks I will pounce, a rhetorical pounce, not an actual lion pouncing on gazelle at the watering hole scenario, more like, "Ah ha, I caught you!" kind of pounce, yeah it's time to play this little fish.
I dozed for a bit while Raffie digested what I had fed him. I don't know how long I had been drifting in and out of sleep when the stewardess shook my shoulder and informed me that we were landing and that I needed to put my seat back in the upright position and I had 5 minutes to go to the rest room before approach. I looked up at her and thought, now why is she so concerned about me going to the restroom? I looked at her and then followed her gaze downward. Oh, that, yeah I guess that would get a little notice on a plane in the prone position. I headed to the toilet to freshen up and to wake up a little. Back at my seat the fasten seat belt symbol was flashing. Buckling up I stared at the back of Raffie's head thinking if he was thinking that maybe he thought that I thought that there could be a remote possibility that I might know something, well some knowledge, okay, maybe a theory, yeah, yeah, a shot in the dark then, but the thing was, all I needed to do was make him think and then keep applying the pressure. Now this in PI talk would be referred to as, "Crap or get off the toilet." If you are not going to at least squeeze out a week plus expenses out of your client and pretend you know what you are doing and make the perp sweat so that you can show some kind of results, then you might as well find another line of business, because you weren't cut out to be a PI. I could have called it quits, called Miss Dew from Tijuana and told her that there was nothing here, but Tijuana as everyone knows is a goldmine of information, some of it useful some times, well part of the time, okay, it is a good place to go and get drunk and chase some skirts at the client's expense. I didn't call her though, well I did and ended up speaking Yadnus, but I didn't just quit and walk away from it, no, I stayed on it like a Tennessee blood hound, sniffing out the information or like this last time, dressed like a freaking elf and smelling like a fruit salad. You know it feels kind of good going commando every now and then, makes this little respite feel more like a mini vacation than an information expedition, you know that relaxed feeling. Just hanging loose you could say. Yeah I do what it takes to get the job done, nothing is beneath me. I can crawl underneath the belly of a snake on teflon, I knew I would have to be able to do the things other private investigators thought was a little undignified, like the time I powdered my body all white and hid in the Caligula statuary at one of those fantasy sex resorts, trailing this old geezer and his personal aide. I knew I should have used duct tape on the grape leaf, but I thought the transparency of the scotch tape would have been a little more effective or either I could have powdered my body before I put on the grape leaf. Well that was then, I have learned and I have made those little mental notes for next time. I sure hope Yadnus doesn't forget the jacket and shirt, I think this shirt is starting leave a print on my skin.
I was making my way past luggage looking for a vantage point to keep tabs on Raffie, he honestly didn't think I was going to give up so easy I hope. There he was, there was a big goon with him, if this was Ruffie they sure didn't look like twins. Leather luggage, nice, but there seemed to be a lot of it, maybe some Polaroid samples for Mr. Big to look at. I sunk back in the shadows as Raffie started walking in my direction, yeah a lot of luggage. I stood as silent as a statue as Raffie walked by.
"Catch you around town pineapple, I mean senor"
Darn, how did he know I was here? Crap. I bent over and picked up the plastic grocery sack with my clothes and followed Raffie from a distance. As I entered the main concourse I spotted Yadnus and Miss Dew standing near a coffee kiosk. I didn't see if Yadnus had remembered to bring the jacket and shirt. Could be in the car.
"Hey, hey, there's my ladies."
"You get you a part time pimping job while you were down in Tijuana?"
"What? You referring to my clothes there Yadnus?"
"No I was referring to that ridiculous hat you are wearing Stone."
"I'm not wearing a hat."
"Then you were right the first time."
"Whatever, you remember to get my jacket and white shirt?"
"What jacket and white shirt?"
"The gray sports jacket out of my closet and to charge a white shirt down at Dave's Discount Clothing and Liqueur Store."
"You know Stone, you just keep getting funnier and funnier each time I talk to you. Now why should I have remembered that?"
"Because I asked you to on the phone call from Tijuana. Can't you remember?"
"Let's get something straight here, okay there Stone? First off I am not your ll_friday.girl_ll, so that means I don't do the errand thing. Second thing is that you should have packed a bag before you left and not buy a pattern for a body tattoo to wear for a shirt in Mexico and third and final thing, you honestly think I would stick my hand in your closet?"
"You could have told me that on the phone Yadnus."
"Yeah I would have too, if you had mentioned it on the phone."
"Uh, I don't mean to interrupt, but Ruffie is hailing a cab."
"Miss Dew his name is Raffie, I have been on this guy like white on pigeon poop. Yeah they look a lot alike, but Yadnus would be the first to tell you that looks can be deceiving."
"That's true Honey, to look at Stone you would think he had enough of a brain not to walk around an international airport with his fly down, but like he said, looks can be deceiving. Oh and by the way Stone, pigeon poop isn't all white."
"Okay then, the parts that are all white, I was all over him like those parts."
I answered Yadnus as I was turning around to check my fly. Crap, no wonder I was getting all those looks walking back to my seat on the plane earlier. No wonder I felt such freedom, so that was a draft I was feeling after all. I was actually thinking at the time that little dutch stew had meant something special with that little wink and smile, oh and that finger pointing to my crotch. It is amazing how sensitive the skin around that area still is.
"Time to stop worrying about my fly Yadnus and concentrate on more important things, always time for a little fun after the case."
"Don't flatter yourself there Stone, the only fun I could ever see us having is bungee jumping and only if your ankle strap came loose."
"Yeah, yeah, keep it to yourself, but we both know you want me. Now if you don't mind I have some work to do. You going to tag along?"
"I am going to come along to keep your butt out of a sling."
"I'm not into the kinky stuff, but your jealousy is kinda of cute."
"Jealous? Stone just exactly what world do you live in? What on this earth could you be dancing the horizontal bop with would I possibly be jealous of?"
"Its there Yadnus, let's not deny it, you know it, I know it, now it is just a matter of time."
We stood outside arrivals hailing a taxi, Raffie was still in the queue waiting for his driver to merge with the exiting traffic. Man this guy was just making it too easy, I mean all he was missing was a neon arrow pointing at him. We all crawled into the back of a midsized hatchback being driven by a third world refugee with a spice market in the front passenger side as a second income.
I felt I needed to post something so here is the first half of the second half of the final installment. Let's see if Stone can pull it off here, nail the bad guy and the girl all at the same time, yeah, one stone, two birds. This just may work out for ole Stone Head after all. Maybe.
Later...
Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Stone Head P.I. ~Just Before Midnight She Arrived~~ 4th & Final Installment~~San Fransisco~
Flight to San Fransisco
Part 1 of 2 of the final installment
(Yeah I thought I could finish it.)
Man I felt better now, stopped at the Mercado and found a pair of stiletto leg jeans, like a second skin, accentuates the assets you could say and a pair of ostrich quill tangerine colored zapatos, lace up. A pair of brown and white banlon sheer socks, one of those skinny brown belts with the silver tip and four different colors of the same shirt that Ruffie character wore. Flowers with naked ladies posing in the pedals. Black, red, blue and yellow, I grabbed the red one. As I was paying for it I noticed by the register they had dickies woven from chest hair.
"You sell many of these pardner?"
"You mean those chest hair dickies senor?"
"Yeah those things that say "Dickies, woven from the chest hair of convicts to further their rehabilitation.", yeah those."
"We sold one a couple seeks ago to some guy from New York. I think he is still around."
"Would his name be Raffie?"
"No, but his money did all his talking for him. He had some."
"Did he act like he was cold, I mean as if it was cooler here than where he had arrived from?"
"How much snow you see around here mister?"
He had a point, no snow here.
"So where do you think he came from then where they could have had snow?"
"I would think maybe mister where he said, New York."
"So then why did he have to come down here to cool off if it is snowing in New York? I mean a nice long walk and you could be as cool as you wanted."
There seemed to be a flaw in Raffie's story now, seems he didn't have to come to Tijuana to cool off, he could have done that in New York if he had wanted. No, there are other reasons that didn't have anything to do with climate differences here.
"Senor, there is a 15% exchange fee if you going to use American dollars."
"Yeah, whatever. Just another little scam to get more money out of me."
"Yes senor, we still have to pay the local drug lord around here so those addicts where you come from can have their fix."
"Hey pardner, you don't see that crap being shipped down here. You got your directions a little mixed up. You the one feeding the serpent Diego."
"The name is Pedro senor, not Diego."
"So you and that Juan character that owns that bar down the street kin? Same names."
"How is Pedro and Juan the same name?"
"I called him Pedro there Diego."
"You going to keep rubbing the dickie senor or would you like to buy it?"
"Sorry, was just thinking about a little Polynesian number I used to date."
"That will be $22.00 American senor."
"You got a place I can clean up, you know. I got a flight to catch this afternoon."
"Yeah, one dollar for the water, another dollar for disposal."
"Disposal of what Diego?"
"What you are wearing senor, they charge extra for bio-hazard."
"Bio-hazard? What I am wearing? Nothing wrong with it, I will clean it when I get home."
"I don't think they will let you on the plane with it senor. You should just go ahead and pay for the disposal fee."
"You just add about 20 of them pina colada car fresheners and let me worry about getting it on the plane Diego. Yeah those, 20 for a dollar there pardner."
Out back I found three poles surrounded with a piece of canvas and a water hose with a lawn sprinkler wired to a branch in the tree is was under. This was a little nicer, it was also the urinal and it hung on a hook from the handle so it could be emptied, instead of a hole punched through the bottom that let a stream out that landed between your shoes, if you were savvy to this and knew to stand with a wide stance. One of those things you just naturally pick up on little forays down to Tijuana. I looked around, I saw melting into the grass one of those complimentary hotel guest soaps, shower size too, hair gets washed today. Can't remember what a hot shower feels like, I hope this hose stretched a long way before the cold water reaches me. Bought back memories of childhood to me, dad would stretch the garden hose out in the sun and then fill it with water and then let the sun heat it up, we had what we referred to as the 50 foot hot shower. Cutting corners you get used to losing the little things, you can get just as clean in cold water as you can in hot, plus most colors do not run or do they shrink in cold water. Today was different, I didn't have time to do the laundry too, it would be just me today, something I haven't felt in a long time, being able to pee in the shower. That's a trick I learned from my dad during our communal shower times, saved on flushes, water was all going to the same place. He used to tease us a lot, look boys, hot water. It only took me two or three, maybe it was four times when I finally learned this was a grownup version of the toilet game dad taught us as a Christmas gift one drunk festive night, it was called, 'Crapper Zapper'. Friends used to tease me a lot about that, 'Hey guys, wanna go over Stone's place and leave him a few targets in the head? His birthday is coming up.' and then give me the big 'L' as they ran down the street chasing me throwing rocks and having their dogs run me up some tree so it would be easier to hit me, they always seemed to be moving target challenged, but I can attest now, they had the stationary ones nailed. Sad I can't squeeze in a little laundry, I feel as if I am wasting. Well the speedos' lines would have just shown through the jeans anyway, so I guess I can go ahead and take them off. I would call Yadnus from the airport.
Man it felt better to get some clean threads on again. At least I blend in now and I don't look like some elf that flunked out of elf school. Okay, ticket is confirmed, flights still a go and I do not see Raffie. I need a drink, a little eye opener so to say, something that says, you still have me. Liqueur, that one who never says no to a party, that one you can depend on when no one will answer their phone or open their door, when they peek out their curtains to see when you walk away, that paint over their peep hole so I can't see in or those ones with the little notes and signs on the doors, 'Leave Stone, no one home.', those little things that let you know that possibly you are not quiet as appreciated as you thought you were, but what the heck, I had a crowd of friends, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, his uncle Hiram Walker, Old Crow, Old Grand Dad, yeah, misty times friends, those friends always ready to listen, those friends that do not run away when things get a little thick or when they get a phone call from their wife, 'You better not be with that Stone character again. You know rent is due.' Yeah friends that unless you push them away will always be there to brace you up, give you that courage buried deep in you, that makes a mountain more manageable and a man just another obstacle on my way to the urinal.
"Yadnus, its me, Stone."
"Stone who?"
"Oh man, its me Stone, Yadnus, Stone Head."
"Maybe we should get you one of the sticky lapel stickers with your name on it, it will save on a lot of confusion, yours."
"Listen, I am at the airport in Tijuana, that Raffie character I brushed on last time, well he is taking a flight to San Fransisco same time I am. Little strange, don't you think?"
"Yeah Stone, you're right it is strange he would be going to San Fransisco during the holiday season, I think maybe you got a conspiracy going there with every passenger on the plane, if I were you I would keep a close eye on all of them."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, I think this Raffie character is an associate of this Ruffie that Miss Dew talks about."
"Uh you think so Stone? Just a little bit?"
"I think they are into some kind of Polaroid film scam and trying to get Mr. Big in on it for backing."
"Why do I bother watching the Comedy Channel, when all I have to do is wait on you to call? Okay, I'll bite, what tells you that there is a Polaroid scam going on?"
"This Raffie perp said he had a Polaroid invitation."
"Stone are you really missing the obvious here or are you just playing a roll you can't seem to get out of? You know Stone, if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck and poops on the sidewalk like a duck, chances are it isn't a dog."
Now even I know she is trying to say something, just not quite clear as to what it may be.
"Yeah, that's what I told myself, so you think these two guys are associates too?"
"No, what I think is that you can't seem to put one and one together and come out with the same number twice in a row."
I knew it was three, I just didn't feel the need to put her in her place. You know how women can get if they think you don't agree with them.
"So you got any leads on this Ruffie character Yadnus?"
"Strangely enough I do. Seems he left New York in a hurry, headed for Mexico, Tijuana to be exact."
"I don't have time to go and look for him, if you would have given me this information the last time we talked, then maybe I would have had time, but now I have to catch a flight Babe."
"Babe? You hear me oink when I answered the phone Stone? Open your ears, your eyes, open something down there besides your fly moron. You don't think this Ruffie and Raffie guy is a little strange? You only hear of Ruffie leaving New York, but Raffie lands?"
"They could have exchanged tickets during flight."
"Yes Stone and your mom didn't have to repeatedly drop you on your head as a baby, but she did. Can't you see that these two guys are the same person?"
"So you think they are twins? Why didn't I see that?"
"Stone you ever get lonely?"
Here it is, the 'do you ever get lonely' line, that 'its time we did it' line. I love questions with hidden meanings. I knew she couldn't hold out, I don't care how professional they are, they always sink to my level.
"Well yeah I do get lonely, but right now you up there and I am down here. We can always grab some air time on the flight back home, if you know what I mean."
"I'm glad to see that you're used it."
"Loneliness is part of the game Yadnus, part of the game. Yeah, the game."
"Just don't miss that flight while you are chiseling that statue and keep an eye out for the Polaroid gang."
"I'm starting to think you know something about this Yadnus. Polaroid contact you?"
Seems I had stumbled in on something that I didn't know quite what it was, but one thing I can tell you about it, it smelled of fish, well maybe not exactly like fish, more like crap, then again crap is a bit heavy, maybe something between stinking like fish and crap, something that mingles the two, brings them together to create their own unique aroma. Yeah that's it, now I know the smell, it's the crapper door on a commercial tuna fishing boat, that perfect balanced blend of each and each bringing its bouquet to its fullest aroma, 'eau de toilet le tuna boat crapper door', I just created another sense trigger mechanism, now every time I smell that smell, I will be reminded of this case and seeing how my office is located between a fish processing factory and a a waste water treatment plant, I guess I will be reminded of this case often. One good thing about my office location, if you had a bad lunch, hey whose to know if it was you are not? I really need to get some methane sensors.
"Just make sure you're on the plane to San Fransisco and whatever you do, if you find a clue, stumble, trip, slip and fall on a clue, do nothing with it until you get to San Fransisco. I do not care if Raffie is sitting in your lap begging you to take him to the police, wait, don't do a thing, just get that wasted, I don't have a clue, lights on, but nobody's home look, you know, your normal look. We'll meet you at the airport. You got that?"
"Yeah, yeah I got it, carry on, low profile, reconnoiter the situation and come up with a game plan. During which time I will be all over Raffie like flies on a Mexican bar towel, I will be all over him. You got nothing to worry about this way Yadnus, it is under control, for the most part, well for part of it anyway, okay, it has a toe hold. Oh crap these are just the narrative thought fillers. Crap did I say it out loud again?"
"Yeah you said it out loud there Stone. I would ask you to focus but I am afraid there might be a little senorita there in a tight skirt selling her melons and then I would lose you again, so just don't forget to catch the plane."
Oh yeah, that's why I am at the airport, catch a plane. Hey there's Raffie having a drink at the bar. One of those fruity pineapple drinks, wonder why he's here. Think he is going to meet with this Ruffie punk before he catches his plane for San Fransisco? I still don't get the connection, spelled completely different, come from two different breweries, totally opposite of where they are located on the Hudson, so what if they both from New York, both fill beer barrels, both have Polaroid film, which I might remind you is no crime in itself to possess film, it is perfectly legit to walk around with Polaroid film in your pocket, they kind of look same, well according to vague descriptions by the victim, I still hadn't seen the small hair scar about a centimeter long next to right eye she said he had and so what if they both knew Mr. Big and both had business with him. Doesn't mean they are the same person, maybe twins.
"Hey you that hombre at Juan's earlier today?"
He startled me, I must have wandered off for a moment. I didn't see him get off his bar stool and walk completely across the bar to my table, well maybe I subconsciously noticed it, well I probably noticed but but blocked it out. Its these kinds of things that interrupt my train of thought. I looked up at him.
"Yeah, I'm that hombre."
"I didn't notice you at first, I mean you're not exactly dressed the same. Santa fire you and ask for the uniform back?"
Mr. Tough-guy. Yeah I've dealt with hundreds like him before, well maybe not hundreds, but a couple of dozen at least, yeah, okay, seven, it was seven of them I dealt with before, at least I am a fast healer. A little neosporin and some Mighty Mouse band aids and I am good to go, well maybe not exactly good to go, but I am mobile, that is unless the prescription says no driving or operating heavy machinery due to drowsiness. Heck, I drive when I sleep and I am still alive. So maybe then I will have to use a taxi or bum rides from friends. Well if Yadnus isn't doing anything, then maybe I would probably most likely see if she would drive me.
"No, I got it right here in this bag."
"Please senor, put the bag down, I just finished a very large meal."
"You don't like pineapples Sancho?"
"Not at the moment senor and it is Raffie, not Sancho as you seemed to have called me.
"Raffie, Sancho, Diego, Ruffie, is there really a big deal in a name? I mean it is nice to get pinned with a really cool one like mine, Stone. I mean with my name you can just about do anything, professional landscaping, sounds cool, doesn't it? 'Stone's Landscaping', yeah cool. I could be a mason and do rock work, 'Stone Head Mason', I mean some cool stuff when you think about it, yeah, I could even farm pot and have a cool name, "Stone's Medicinal Marijuana Farm', I mean that is just totally cool."
Note to self, copy-write the medicinal herb farm thing, could be worth millions. I sure hope Yadnus doesn't forget the gray jacket and white shirt. Jeans looking cool in my reflection, glad I decided not to wear the speedos, good to go commando every now and then, let the boys out to roam you could say. Yeah, looks cool, just like my name. Stone, Stone Cold. Hm, could prove profitable to change my last name, would look good on a business card.
"Hey hombre, I am talking to you, you still in the conversation?"
There it is, something else distracting me and derailing my train of thought again.
"Yeah, I'm still in the conversation Sancho."
"You know you think you're going to get to me by calling me Sancho, but I have you figured out hombre, yes, think about that, I have you figured out. You think I am going to get all insulted, get angry and lose my cool and then you do something even more stupid but for some idiotic reason it goes right and you look like you knew all along. I can be just as stupid as you senor, trust me, I am good at this."
"I don't doubt you for a moment Sancho, but that is a hard goal to undertake, not too many more stupid than me out there. They say I am gifted."
"Yeah, gifted like a Christmas fruit cake."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means if I were choosing sides for a soccer game and all the choice I had was between you and a box of rocks, I would choose the box senor."
"Yeah, as if you can talk, look at the shirt you're wearing, oh yeah, real taste there. Naked ladies on flower pedals."
"I see you purchased the red one senor."
"They look better with jeans."
This one is sly. He peddled around the block before and possibly on his on without the training wheels. Yeah he cut those tied to momma apron strings early, my mom finally changed the locks when I turned 32. On my own for the first time in life, no where to go except for some two bit bug infested flop house or there was uncle Ray, I just had to get by the thought of him wearing that pale blue cocktail dress with the low cut back, now if he would just wax his back it would probably look real nice on him, but for now he looks like he wearing a fur wrap under the dress. Yeah uncle Ray always had boobs, he said it was because he drank so much milk as a kid, cheerios taste much better with koolaid. I remember when he had to stay with us when I was a kid, he would walk around without his shirt a lot when it was hot and I think it kind of was cool with dad or something, I mean I think he liked it, I heard him say to mom once she ought to ask him how he keeps them so perky.
"Hey, your plane still on radar? You eat something bad or something?"
"Just thinking Sancho, just thinking."
"Man I thought you may have bought some tamales off a street vendor, hey senor you ever notice no stray animals near street vendors and that they all sell fuzzy key chains?"
"No, I am wondering why you are still wearing that chest hair dickie."
I realize now that maybe reaching over and grabbing a hand full of that chest hair dickie and jerking may not have been the smartest plan to come up with, but I thought I had all the evidence I needed. The only chest hair dickie sold in a week and this guy is sporting it. Apparently he wasn't wearing a woven chest hair dickie, the flying fist should have told me that, fortunately I learned early in life how to duck, you could say I have made it an art form. As his hand smashed against the 4x4 or a 10.16x10.16, for those on the metric system, post, I side stepped to the left and let my right slide right behind it.
"What's your freaking problem gringo? You like pulling men's chest hairs or does it go a little deeper than that? Cause I am not cut from that man, just because I had to spend two years in prison, hey man you got to do what you got to do to survive, and Tomas was good to me."
"Just thought you were the New Yorker that purchased a woven chest hair dickie from the Mercado last week."
"Why would I need to buy a woven chest hair dickie gringo? This is all me man."
"Yeah, whatever, could have glued it on or something."
"Why would I glue it on?"
"Complete the disguise Sancho."
"The disguise senor? Would it not be more sensible to disguise the face?"
"Now listen Sancho I don't know what you are into and I am not really going to take it there, for all I know you walk your chihuahua wearing a pink tutu. Heck for all I know you could have a matching outfit."
"One little fleeting little fetish and no one will let you live it down, I just wanted to see what it was like. Okay? How did you know about the ballerina outfit? Anyway, uh, I don't have it anymore, I gave it to my niece. Yeah that's what I did with it, I gave it to my niece."
"So you have to do anything special with it when you wash it? I mean that is a lot of hair."
"I have a barber that keeps it in shape, then just normal shampooing and conditioning.
"Yeah that's about all this little Polynesian number I used to date did with hers."
"You dated a girl with the chest hairs senor?"
"Hereditary, came from her mom's side of the family."
"You sure she just hadn't completed her hormone therapy yet?"
"Hey you never saw her, man she was beautiful, the way she could pull in those nets loaded with fish, wrestle and bring down the strongest man on that little island where she stole my heart."
'Yeah I am sure she was a real dream senor."
Yeah I know what you are thinking, how is this line of conversation going to get me any information. I am lulling him into a false sense of security, I will make him feel comfortable and then throw him completely off guard with a question about the case.
"So Sancho, you been in the Polaroid film business very long?"
"I don't know what you mean senor, I work for a brewery, not the photo mart."
"Word is that you got Polaroid invitations to Mr. Big's big Christmas party and you plan on showing them to him."
"Yeah and I plan to expose, I mean show myself to Margaret Thatcher, but her security always so tight."
"Come on Raffie, what is this Polaroid film scam you got going? You have a guy on the inside sending you shipments, you know rerouting a few boxes your way?"
"You know senor if I were you I would see if that diploma you found in that box Cracker Jacks is real."
"Don't you worry about that diploma, I graduated Cracker Jack cum Laud, placed highest score in the class, next to this guy from Pakistan and another from Libya, so what there was only three in the class. At least I went most of the time."
"Sounds very prestigious."
"So Raffie, what's the deal with this Mr. Big? You got a partner in on this, like maybe someone named Ruffie?"
"I don't know any Ruffie."
"Struck a nerve there, didn't I?"
"I am fixing to strike a nerve senor. I think you need to find something else to talk about."
"Getting a little close to home there Sancho?"
Yeah this guy knows something he isn't talking about. I can feel it, I would like to feel that monkey he got on his chest right now, darn I miss that girl. A few more questions and I might have what I have been wanting, a break in this Polaroid scam I seem to have uncovered. Yeah, poke, prod and parry, just like the Musketeers used to do it. Play with him, I mean that in the mental sense, a little cat and mouse and this guy will be spilling his guts like an exploding can of pork and beans. Yeah I should have known to open the can first, hey trial and error and I have only done it maybe, twice, okay three times, four at the most, but the point is, next time I place a can of them on the stove, I will have the can open. Stop shaking your head, I will have the can open next time. Maybe, if I don't forget. A lot of things go through this head, important stuff sometimes too. Well stuff anyway.
"So Ruffie, how did you get invited to this shindig?"
"It is Raffie senor, I don't trip that easily."
"How did an invitation just happen to land in your hands?"
"I opened an envelope one day and it was there."
"A Polaroid invitation?"
"Maybe his pen ran out of ink."
"Or maybe, and I am just throwing this out there, Ruffie sent them to you."
"Senor you seem to have a lot of questions without answers."
"Not really Sancho, just one important question, that's all."
"And what is that important question senor? Maybe I can help you with it."
"Maybe you can at that."
Now he is curious, he is nibbling at the bait. I'll let him play with it a while before I set the hook and start reeling him in.
Part 1 of 2 of the final installment
(Yeah I thought I could finish it.)
Man I felt better now, stopped at the Mercado and found a pair of stiletto leg jeans, like a second skin, accentuates the assets you could say and a pair of ostrich quill tangerine colored zapatos, lace up. A pair of brown and white banlon sheer socks, one of those skinny brown belts with the silver tip and four different colors of the same shirt that Ruffie character wore. Flowers with naked ladies posing in the pedals. Black, red, blue and yellow, I grabbed the red one. As I was paying for it I noticed by the register they had dickies woven from chest hair.
"You sell many of these pardner?"
"You mean those chest hair dickies senor?"
"Yeah those things that say "Dickies, woven from the chest hair of convicts to further their rehabilitation.", yeah those."
"We sold one a couple seeks ago to some guy from New York. I think he is still around."
"Would his name be Raffie?"
"No, but his money did all his talking for him. He had some."
"Did he act like he was cold, I mean as if it was cooler here than where he had arrived from?"
"How much snow you see around here mister?"
He had a point, no snow here.
"So where do you think he came from then where they could have had snow?"
"I would think maybe mister where he said, New York."
"So then why did he have to come down here to cool off if it is snowing in New York? I mean a nice long walk and you could be as cool as you wanted."
There seemed to be a flaw in Raffie's story now, seems he didn't have to come to Tijuana to cool off, he could have done that in New York if he had wanted. No, there are other reasons that didn't have anything to do with climate differences here.
"Senor, there is a 15% exchange fee if you going to use American dollars."
"Yeah, whatever. Just another little scam to get more money out of me."
"Yes senor, we still have to pay the local drug lord around here so those addicts where you come from can have their fix."
"Hey pardner, you don't see that crap being shipped down here. You got your directions a little mixed up. You the one feeding the serpent Diego."
"The name is Pedro senor, not Diego."
"So you and that Juan character that owns that bar down the street kin? Same names."
"How is Pedro and Juan the same name?"
"I called him Pedro there Diego."
"You going to keep rubbing the dickie senor or would you like to buy it?"
"Sorry, was just thinking about a little Polynesian number I used to date."
"That will be $22.00 American senor."
"You got a place I can clean up, you know. I got a flight to catch this afternoon."
"Yeah, one dollar for the water, another dollar for disposal."
"Disposal of what Diego?"
"What you are wearing senor, they charge extra for bio-hazard."
"Bio-hazard? What I am wearing? Nothing wrong with it, I will clean it when I get home."
"I don't think they will let you on the plane with it senor. You should just go ahead and pay for the disposal fee."
"You just add about 20 of them pina colada car fresheners and let me worry about getting it on the plane Diego. Yeah those, 20 for a dollar there pardner."
Out back I found three poles surrounded with a piece of canvas and a water hose with a lawn sprinkler wired to a branch in the tree is was under. This was a little nicer, it was also the urinal and it hung on a hook from the handle so it could be emptied, instead of a hole punched through the bottom that let a stream out that landed between your shoes, if you were savvy to this and knew to stand with a wide stance. One of those things you just naturally pick up on little forays down to Tijuana. I looked around, I saw melting into the grass one of those complimentary hotel guest soaps, shower size too, hair gets washed today. Can't remember what a hot shower feels like, I hope this hose stretched a long way before the cold water reaches me. Bought back memories of childhood to me, dad would stretch the garden hose out in the sun and then fill it with water and then let the sun heat it up, we had what we referred to as the 50 foot hot shower. Cutting corners you get used to losing the little things, you can get just as clean in cold water as you can in hot, plus most colors do not run or do they shrink in cold water. Today was different, I didn't have time to do the laundry too, it would be just me today, something I haven't felt in a long time, being able to pee in the shower. That's a trick I learned from my dad during our communal shower times, saved on flushes, water was all going to the same place. He used to tease us a lot, look boys, hot water. It only took me two or three, maybe it was four times when I finally learned this was a grownup version of the toilet game dad taught us as a Christmas gift one drunk festive night, it was called, 'Crapper Zapper'. Friends used to tease me a lot about that, 'Hey guys, wanna go over Stone's place and leave him a few targets in the head? His birthday is coming up.' and then give me the big 'L' as they ran down the street chasing me throwing rocks and having their dogs run me up some tree so it would be easier to hit me, they always seemed to be moving target challenged, but I can attest now, they had the stationary ones nailed. Sad I can't squeeze in a little laundry, I feel as if I am wasting. Well the speedos' lines would have just shown through the jeans anyway, so I guess I can go ahead and take them off. I would call Yadnus from the airport.
Man it felt better to get some clean threads on again. At least I blend in now and I don't look like some elf that flunked out of elf school. Okay, ticket is confirmed, flights still a go and I do not see Raffie. I need a drink, a little eye opener so to say, something that says, you still have me. Liqueur, that one who never says no to a party, that one you can depend on when no one will answer their phone or open their door, when they peek out their curtains to see when you walk away, that paint over their peep hole so I can't see in or those ones with the little notes and signs on the doors, 'Leave Stone, no one home.', those little things that let you know that possibly you are not quiet as appreciated as you thought you were, but what the heck, I had a crowd of friends, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, his uncle Hiram Walker, Old Crow, Old Grand Dad, yeah, misty times friends, those friends always ready to listen, those friends that do not run away when things get a little thick or when they get a phone call from their wife, 'You better not be with that Stone character again. You know rent is due.' Yeah friends that unless you push them away will always be there to brace you up, give you that courage buried deep in you, that makes a mountain more manageable and a man just another obstacle on my way to the urinal.
"Yadnus, its me, Stone."
"Stone who?"
"Oh man, its me Stone, Yadnus, Stone Head."
"Maybe we should get you one of the sticky lapel stickers with your name on it, it will save on a lot of confusion, yours."
"Listen, I am at the airport in Tijuana, that Raffie character I brushed on last time, well he is taking a flight to San Fransisco same time I am. Little strange, don't you think?"
"Yeah Stone, you're right it is strange he would be going to San Fransisco during the holiday season, I think maybe you got a conspiracy going there with every passenger on the plane, if I were you I would keep a close eye on all of them."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, I think this Raffie character is an associate of this Ruffie that Miss Dew talks about."
"Uh you think so Stone? Just a little bit?"
"I think they are into some kind of Polaroid film scam and trying to get Mr. Big in on it for backing."
"Why do I bother watching the Comedy Channel, when all I have to do is wait on you to call? Okay, I'll bite, what tells you that there is a Polaroid scam going on?"
"This Raffie perp said he had a Polaroid invitation."
"Stone are you really missing the obvious here or are you just playing a roll you can't seem to get out of? You know Stone, if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck and poops on the sidewalk like a duck, chances are it isn't a dog."
Now even I know she is trying to say something, just not quite clear as to what it may be.
"Yeah, that's what I told myself, so you think these two guys are associates too?"
"No, what I think is that you can't seem to put one and one together and come out with the same number twice in a row."
I knew it was three, I just didn't feel the need to put her in her place. You know how women can get if they think you don't agree with them.
"So you got any leads on this Ruffie character Yadnus?"
"Strangely enough I do. Seems he left New York in a hurry, headed for Mexico, Tijuana to be exact."
"I don't have time to go and look for him, if you would have given me this information the last time we talked, then maybe I would have had time, but now I have to catch a flight Babe."
"Babe? You hear me oink when I answered the phone Stone? Open your ears, your eyes, open something down there besides your fly moron. You don't think this Ruffie and Raffie guy is a little strange? You only hear of Ruffie leaving New York, but Raffie lands?"
"They could have exchanged tickets during flight."
"Yes Stone and your mom didn't have to repeatedly drop you on your head as a baby, but she did. Can't you see that these two guys are the same person?"
"So you think they are twins? Why didn't I see that?"
"Stone you ever get lonely?"
Here it is, the 'do you ever get lonely' line, that 'its time we did it' line. I love questions with hidden meanings. I knew she couldn't hold out, I don't care how professional they are, they always sink to my level.
"Well yeah I do get lonely, but right now you up there and I am down here. We can always grab some air time on the flight back home, if you know what I mean."
"I'm glad to see that you're used it."
"Loneliness is part of the game Yadnus, part of the game. Yeah, the game."
"Just don't miss that flight while you are chiseling that statue and keep an eye out for the Polaroid gang."
"I'm starting to think you know something about this Yadnus. Polaroid contact you?"
Seems I had stumbled in on something that I didn't know quite what it was, but one thing I can tell you about it, it smelled of fish, well maybe not exactly like fish, more like crap, then again crap is a bit heavy, maybe something between stinking like fish and crap, something that mingles the two, brings them together to create their own unique aroma. Yeah that's it, now I know the smell, it's the crapper door on a commercial tuna fishing boat, that perfect balanced blend of each and each bringing its bouquet to its fullest aroma, 'eau de toilet le tuna boat crapper door', I just created another sense trigger mechanism, now every time I smell that smell, I will be reminded of this case and seeing how my office is located between a fish processing factory and a a waste water treatment plant, I guess I will be reminded of this case often. One good thing about my office location, if you had a bad lunch, hey whose to know if it was you are not? I really need to get some methane sensors.
"Just make sure you're on the plane to San Fransisco and whatever you do, if you find a clue, stumble, trip, slip and fall on a clue, do nothing with it until you get to San Fransisco. I do not care if Raffie is sitting in your lap begging you to take him to the police, wait, don't do a thing, just get that wasted, I don't have a clue, lights on, but nobody's home look, you know, your normal look. We'll meet you at the airport. You got that?"
"Yeah, yeah I got it, carry on, low profile, reconnoiter the situation and come up with a game plan. During which time I will be all over Raffie like flies on a Mexican bar towel, I will be all over him. You got nothing to worry about this way Yadnus, it is under control, for the most part, well for part of it anyway, okay, it has a toe hold. Oh crap these are just the narrative thought fillers. Crap did I say it out loud again?"
"Yeah you said it out loud there Stone. I would ask you to focus but I am afraid there might be a little senorita there in a tight skirt selling her melons and then I would lose you again, so just don't forget to catch the plane."
Oh yeah, that's why I am at the airport, catch a plane. Hey there's Raffie having a drink at the bar. One of those fruity pineapple drinks, wonder why he's here. Think he is going to meet with this Ruffie punk before he catches his plane for San Fransisco? I still don't get the connection, spelled completely different, come from two different breweries, totally opposite of where they are located on the Hudson, so what if they both from New York, both fill beer barrels, both have Polaroid film, which I might remind you is no crime in itself to possess film, it is perfectly legit to walk around with Polaroid film in your pocket, they kind of look same, well according to vague descriptions by the victim, I still hadn't seen the small hair scar about a centimeter long next to right eye she said he had and so what if they both knew Mr. Big and both had business with him. Doesn't mean they are the same person, maybe twins.
"Hey you that hombre at Juan's earlier today?"
He startled me, I must have wandered off for a moment. I didn't see him get off his bar stool and walk completely across the bar to my table, well maybe I subconsciously noticed it, well I probably noticed but but blocked it out. Its these kinds of things that interrupt my train of thought. I looked up at him.
"Yeah, I'm that hombre."
"I didn't notice you at first, I mean you're not exactly dressed the same. Santa fire you and ask for the uniform back?"
Mr. Tough-guy. Yeah I've dealt with hundreds like him before, well maybe not hundreds, but a couple of dozen at least, yeah, okay, seven, it was seven of them I dealt with before, at least I am a fast healer. A little neosporin and some Mighty Mouse band aids and I am good to go, well maybe not exactly good to go, but I am mobile, that is unless the prescription says no driving or operating heavy machinery due to drowsiness. Heck, I drive when I sleep and I am still alive. So maybe then I will have to use a taxi or bum rides from friends. Well if Yadnus isn't doing anything, then maybe I would probably most likely see if she would drive me.
"No, I got it right here in this bag."
"Please senor, put the bag down, I just finished a very large meal."
"You don't like pineapples Sancho?"
"Not at the moment senor and it is Raffie, not Sancho as you seemed to have called me.
"Raffie, Sancho, Diego, Ruffie, is there really a big deal in a name? I mean it is nice to get pinned with a really cool one like mine, Stone. I mean with my name you can just about do anything, professional landscaping, sounds cool, doesn't it? 'Stone's Landscaping', yeah cool. I could be a mason and do rock work, 'Stone Head Mason', I mean some cool stuff when you think about it, yeah, I could even farm pot and have a cool name, "Stone's Medicinal Marijuana Farm', I mean that is just totally cool."
Note to self, copy-write the medicinal herb farm thing, could be worth millions. I sure hope Yadnus doesn't forget the gray jacket and white shirt. Jeans looking cool in my reflection, glad I decided not to wear the speedos, good to go commando every now and then, let the boys out to roam you could say. Yeah, looks cool, just like my name. Stone, Stone Cold. Hm, could prove profitable to change my last name, would look good on a business card.
"Hey hombre, I am talking to you, you still in the conversation?"
There it is, something else distracting me and derailing my train of thought again.
"Yeah, I'm still in the conversation Sancho."
"You know you think you're going to get to me by calling me Sancho, but I have you figured out hombre, yes, think about that, I have you figured out. You think I am going to get all insulted, get angry and lose my cool and then you do something even more stupid but for some idiotic reason it goes right and you look like you knew all along. I can be just as stupid as you senor, trust me, I am good at this."
"I don't doubt you for a moment Sancho, but that is a hard goal to undertake, not too many more stupid than me out there. They say I am gifted."
"Yeah, gifted like a Christmas fruit cake."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means if I were choosing sides for a soccer game and all the choice I had was between you and a box of rocks, I would choose the box senor."
"Yeah, as if you can talk, look at the shirt you're wearing, oh yeah, real taste there. Naked ladies on flower pedals."
"I see you purchased the red one senor."
"They look better with jeans."
This one is sly. He peddled around the block before and possibly on his on without the training wheels. Yeah he cut those tied to momma apron strings early, my mom finally changed the locks when I turned 32. On my own for the first time in life, no where to go except for some two bit bug infested flop house or there was uncle Ray, I just had to get by the thought of him wearing that pale blue cocktail dress with the low cut back, now if he would just wax his back it would probably look real nice on him, but for now he looks like he wearing a fur wrap under the dress. Yeah uncle Ray always had boobs, he said it was because he drank so much milk as a kid, cheerios taste much better with koolaid. I remember when he had to stay with us when I was a kid, he would walk around without his shirt a lot when it was hot and I think it kind of was cool with dad or something, I mean I think he liked it, I heard him say to mom once she ought to ask him how he keeps them so perky.
"Hey, your plane still on radar? You eat something bad or something?"
"Just thinking Sancho, just thinking."
"Man I thought you may have bought some tamales off a street vendor, hey senor you ever notice no stray animals near street vendors and that they all sell fuzzy key chains?"
"No, I am wondering why you are still wearing that chest hair dickie."
I realize now that maybe reaching over and grabbing a hand full of that chest hair dickie and jerking may not have been the smartest plan to come up with, but I thought I had all the evidence I needed. The only chest hair dickie sold in a week and this guy is sporting it. Apparently he wasn't wearing a woven chest hair dickie, the flying fist should have told me that, fortunately I learned early in life how to duck, you could say I have made it an art form. As his hand smashed against the 4x4 or a 10.16x10.16, for those on the metric system, post, I side stepped to the left and let my right slide right behind it.
"What's your freaking problem gringo? You like pulling men's chest hairs or does it go a little deeper than that? Cause I am not cut from that man, just because I had to spend two years in prison, hey man you got to do what you got to do to survive, and Tomas was good to me."
"Just thought you were the New Yorker that purchased a woven chest hair dickie from the Mercado last week."
"Why would I need to buy a woven chest hair dickie gringo? This is all me man."
"Yeah, whatever, could have glued it on or something."
"Why would I glue it on?"
"Complete the disguise Sancho."
"The disguise senor? Would it not be more sensible to disguise the face?"
"Now listen Sancho I don't know what you are into and I am not really going to take it there, for all I know you walk your chihuahua wearing a pink tutu. Heck for all I know you could have a matching outfit."
"One little fleeting little fetish and no one will let you live it down, I just wanted to see what it was like. Okay? How did you know about the ballerina outfit? Anyway, uh, I don't have it anymore, I gave it to my niece. Yeah that's what I did with it, I gave it to my niece."
"So you have to do anything special with it when you wash it? I mean that is a lot of hair."
"I have a barber that keeps it in shape, then just normal shampooing and conditioning.
"Yeah that's about all this little Polynesian number I used to date did with hers."
"You dated a girl with the chest hairs senor?"
"Hereditary, came from her mom's side of the family."
"You sure she just hadn't completed her hormone therapy yet?"
"Hey you never saw her, man she was beautiful, the way she could pull in those nets loaded with fish, wrestle and bring down the strongest man on that little island where she stole my heart."
'Yeah I am sure she was a real dream senor."
Yeah I know what you are thinking, how is this line of conversation going to get me any information. I am lulling him into a false sense of security, I will make him feel comfortable and then throw him completely off guard with a question about the case.
"So Sancho, you been in the Polaroid film business very long?"
"I don't know what you mean senor, I work for a brewery, not the photo mart."
"Word is that you got Polaroid invitations to Mr. Big's big Christmas party and you plan on showing them to him."
"Yeah and I plan to expose, I mean show myself to Margaret Thatcher, but her security always so tight."
"Come on Raffie, what is this Polaroid film scam you got going? You have a guy on the inside sending you shipments, you know rerouting a few boxes your way?"
"You know senor if I were you I would see if that diploma you found in that box Cracker Jacks is real."
"Don't you worry about that diploma, I graduated Cracker Jack cum Laud, placed highest score in the class, next to this guy from Pakistan and another from Libya, so what there was only three in the class. At least I went most of the time."
"Sounds very prestigious."
"So Raffie, what's the deal with this Mr. Big? You got a partner in on this, like maybe someone named Ruffie?"
"I don't know any Ruffie."
"Struck a nerve there, didn't I?"
"I am fixing to strike a nerve senor. I think you need to find something else to talk about."
"Getting a little close to home there Sancho?"
Yeah this guy knows something he isn't talking about. I can feel it, I would like to feel that monkey he got on his chest right now, darn I miss that girl. A few more questions and I might have what I have been wanting, a break in this Polaroid scam I seem to have uncovered. Yeah, poke, prod and parry, just like the Musketeers used to do it. Play with him, I mean that in the mental sense, a little cat and mouse and this guy will be spilling his guts like an exploding can of pork and beans. Yeah I should have known to open the can first, hey trial and error and I have only done it maybe, twice, okay three times, four at the most, but the point is, next time I place a can of them on the stove, I will have the can open. Stop shaking your head, I will have the can open next time. Maybe, if I don't forget. A lot of things go through this head, important stuff sometimes too. Well stuff anyway.
"So Ruffie, how did you get invited to this shindig?"
"It is Raffie senor, I don't trip that easily."
"How did an invitation just happen to land in your hands?"
"I opened an envelope one day and it was there."
"A Polaroid invitation?"
"Maybe his pen ran out of ink."
"Or maybe, and I am just throwing this out there, Ruffie sent them to you."
"Senor you seem to have a lot of questions without answers."
"Not really Sancho, just one important question, that's all."
"And what is that important question senor? Maybe I can help you with it."
"Maybe you can at that."
Now he is curious, he is nibbling at the bait. I'll let him play with it a while before I set the hook and start reeling him in.
Next: Flight to San Fransisco Part 2 of 2 (maybe)
Yeah, whatever, I thought I would have finished it in a single installment.
Yeah, whatever, I thought I would have finished it in a single installment.
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