The End of My Journey is Near...

I have written a lot in the past about life's journey and the paths we choose to walk by choice, about fate and destiny, did I know what I was talking about? Concerning myself, yes I was, for another, most likely no. We can only talk of what we have done, the choices we have made over the years and the path we chose to walk. I have made many choices and my paths have changed many times and with each choice I made it took me in a whole different direction, some more appeasing than others. I have met many on here, far more than one would in life. Some have enhanced my life while others were a pall on my life. Those who have enhanced it I will always cherish and hold close, for those who seem to want to castigate me, screw them. They were a waste to begin with and best forgotten.

Now to the "meat" of this post. This past December I had noticed that I had been losing weight, not just a little weight, but shedding pounds like a bilge pump trying to save a sinking ship, so I made an appointment with the doctor to try and find out what was the cause of this unplanned shedding of flesh. I had lost 60 pounds in as many days and my pants were literally falling off of me. My doctor put me through the entire scope of tests. First was the normal xrays, I had to go twice, they found something on my left lung. This concerned the doctor so I was scheduled for a CAT scan and the found a 3mm spot on both lungs and one on my liver measuring the same. The oncologist said there wasn't much need for concern, but wanted a closer look at it, so I was scheduled for a MRI, which fortified his diagnosis that yes, there was something there, but let's take a look at it in another year and see how much or if it has grown. This was not the answer my primary physician wanted to hear, so I was scheduled for a full G.I., endoscope testing, colonoscopy and a very nasty looking probe going where no one has been permitted before. Result still was not what would cause me to lose so much weight. A 5mm ulcer in my stomach, mucus lining gone in a large area, a herniated esophagus and a small mass where your intestines connect to the stomach or the duodenum. Still not what the doctor was looking for, but at least my fears for some terminal cancer dissipated and I thought it was probably just stress, until I realized I live a pretty stress free life. On the 5th of this month I went back to my doctor still confused and wanting an answer. Finally there was one last physical test they could perform before they term it psychological and send you off to get probed in a completely different aspect, it was an EKG. The technician performing the EKG connected his leads to the adhesive posts on my chest, down my left side and my upper left shoulder. He instructed me to breathe normally, no talking or moving. Then he asked, "Are you having any chest pain?", I answered no I didn't. He stopped the test and left the room and me sitting there wondering what his concern was. Soon he reappeared with my doctor who instructed him to run it again. Results were the same. She asked him to leave and sat down in a chair across the room. It was then, with the quietness I started worrying, this is not good news. I was informed that the anterior muscles were not getting enough blood and one section was getting even less. The results of the EKG looked as if I was experiencing a heart attack at that time. But I felt perfectly normal, I was assured I wasn't. My doctor called in a cardiac specialist and made an appointment for me for 03/10/15, 11a.m..This past Friday the cardiologist's office called to confirm and left me with the following instructions, no driving, no walking, except to the restroom, no lifting, not physical work of any kind and stop taking all prescribed and over the counter medications, stay calm and they would see me on the 10th. So much for no stress.

I guess it is time to pay the piper for all I have done in the past, is this Karma or is it fate or was it my destiny all along? Three good questions that I can't answer, but an outcome I will accept. Whether it is due to my past and tenfold is now due or if it is just the normal course I was deigned to walk, I will accept. Do I regret? No. Am I afraid? Yes, who wouldn't be? I will accept it though and deal with it as it comes.

Everyone who knows me, knows I never say goodbye for any reason, goodbye to me is a finality to a situation or to another, that is why I end everything with "Later" rather than goodbye. Will I say goodbye? No I won't. I believe once someone enters your mortal life, you will meet again in your next life, so I say Later.

I blame no one but myself and the choices I have made that has put me where I am now, but even now, knowing this, I would not change a thing I have done or been through. If I did, I wouldn't be who I am today, loved by some and hated by others, but who I am I would never change. I have been blessed and cursed, hurt and healed, lost and found, picked up and discarded, praised and disrespected, but I am who I am and I will always be me.

There is no one I want to say goodbye to, there are those I will say Later to and I feel they each know who they are. Those who have left such an impression on me I could never forget and will always be dear to me. They will always be a part of me and who I am at this moment. To those I hurt and failed to realize it, it was never intentional, to those I hurt for a reason, I offer no apology, for they were out to hurt me. For my transgressors, forgiveness is given, for those I have transgressed on, I ask for your forgiveness and humbly accept my due for it.

Will I miss anything or anyone I leave behind? My grandsons I will miss, but will be waiting on until we are reunited on another plane in life.

Later...

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