Stuff

Nothing comes to mind and I wonder now why I am even trying to post something. I spoke with someone I have not talked to in a while yesterday, it was good to hear from them again and I found how much I have missed talking with them. It was more of a cordial "how are you?" and "I don't see you online very much." sort of thing, but none the less it was very good to hear from them again. I had found myself wondering about them and how they were getting along. I was relieved to see that they were doing well. I hope that it is not the last time for a another long spell before we talk again.

Not much going on in my life for now. I do not logon to the chats any longer nor do I do a lot of messaging. Guess I am weaning myself from the past or the hold it had on me before. Or rather the hold I let it get on me. I do not find myself missing it though, I do find myself missing people I have met on here and talking with them. A lot of what I do now is through offline messages, one in particular I have been talking with for sometime now. For some reason they went to Toronto to learn Cantonese and soon will return to China. There are others that I speak with when I come to check my email and messages. One is a very sweet person and we seem to be able to talk about a lot of things without me offending them, (amazing, isn't it?) but we manage to be open enough about things in our life and our expectations.

Ah, expectations, I have few, seems the older I get the less I expect out of life or out os someone in my life. Self disappointment has a lot to do with it, making wrong decisions, not being as open about myself as I should have been when it was important to do so, not being truthful with those that mattered and hiding myself from those who wanted to see the real me. My own downfall or as it is said, I kicked my own chair out from under me. Something I am learning to live with. One of my dad's favorite sayings in life was, "You have made your own bed, now lie in it." I never really understood what he meant back then, but its meaning has become crystal clear to me now.

Such is life and such is my life, learning to live with what I have done and wishing at times I had done it different. But I guess we all wish that at some point in our lives. So many cliche's come to mind now when I think of yesterday, maybe my life is a cliche', it would not surprise me one bit if it were. Anyway, I will close this and find something else to occupy my mind because I have found nothing on here that seems to fill that void I have been feeling.

Later...

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away

Been a while since I posted anything and thought I should at least make an attempt at something. My tooth has been bothering me lately and it makes it hard to concentrate on anything for any amount of time before the pain diverts my attention, but I have had a few moments when through my clouded thoughts I could focus and have a few moments to slip back to another time and place.

I was listening to the radio the other evening, not anything in particular, mainly just trying to drown out the overwhelming silence that seemed so deafening for some reason. Maybe it was nothing more than my toothache or the pain medications that seemed to amplify the silence that had settled in around me, but a song came on that my father liked a lot and as I listened to it I was reminded how fleeting time is. There is a line in the chorus, "And ain't it funny how time slips away." and I started dwelling on that particular line as I reflected on yesterday.

So much comes into our lives and much passes on through. Some leave thoughts for tomorrow and others forgotten no sooner than they are gone. It could be seen as milestones through out our lives to mark passage or highlight an event we have experienced, either way it did something or left an indelible impression on us for some reason that will always be with us. So I let myself go and gave into those memories as they passed through my thoughts.

Big plans in life when I was old enough to start thinking about my future and how I saw myself in it then. From a life in a commune, a guitarist, an architect to a self made man not having a worry and doing as I pleased. I never saw myself as a husband and a father or being where I am at in life right now. I never imagined I would be a grandfather or that I would be alone at this point in my life. No never did I ever imagine it at all. Now a Caribbean island laying in a chaise lounge under an umbrella on a beach with a tall cold drink in my hand I could imagine and I can still imagine that to this day. But it seems that no matter how we see ourselves tomorrow we rarely see it come to us. We can Rembrant it and paint us in that picture we see, but like a picture we hang on the wall we mainly just end up imagining that one day this is how our life will be painted. We step back and admire it and tell ourselves "Someday" but rarely if at all do we find that day.

I envy those who have found that day, that those dreams they had when they were younger came to fruition. I am not jealous because what I have now nothing could ever replace that, a beautiful daughter and three grandsons and memories of the one that made that happen. But yet I wonder what it would have been like if I had done something different, would it have still taken me to where I am at today? Would fate had set me on a different path?

I thought of all those dreams I had yesterday and how I always told myself there was always tomorrow to start making them happen. Seems though that as the old saying goes, "tomorrow never comes." there is only today and yesterday. Nothing I can do about yesterday as it has already come and gone and as tomorrow never comes I only have today to work with as I have always had before and as before I always told myself there is always tomorrow. Lazy? Maybe that could be it, ambivelent could be an excuse, but I think it more of wondering if I could do it at all and be successful at it. Could be that I think about it too much, like that first dip in the pool, instead of just diving in I just think how cold it could be, the shock to my body and then wonder if it would be easier to just ease myself in. Place a foot in, acclimate it and then slowly emmerse myself until I have accustomed myself to the change. Much like life and how we go through it. Hardly do we ever just dive right into something in life, too many varibles or possiblilities that something could go wrong, no we ease ourselves into it until we have acclimated ourselves to the situation. A chance to always pull our foot out until we have completely commited oursleves to something new, something we are not accustomed to. We, or at least I tell myself there is always tomorrow.

So much comes to us in life, much just passes through like a breeze through the leaves and is gone. Always tomorrow to begin those dreams if only there was a tomorrow.

Later...

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Goodbye Jackie

It was fourteen years ago when Kelly ran into the house one Saturday morning holding Linda's hand and dragging her through the livingroom. "Daddy the lady that comes to mom's store said her puppies are ready for homes." I smiled and said good, I hope she has luck finding them all homes. She looked at me and said, "But they are minature poodles and all black." I reminded her that just the year before we had gotten Molly because she wanted a chihuahua and we really didn't need another dog. Well according to her Molly was my dog and she wanted one of her own and she wanted a black poodle. Again I told her no, we were not going to get another dog.

That evening I spoke with Linda after Kelly hd went to bed and asked her why hadn't she told her no in the beginning. I was informed that she did tell her no, but Kelly told her that her dad loved her and I would let her have the dog. That made me feel about as low as a street curb. Linda smiled and asked me what I was going to do. I told her we did not need another dog, one was enough.

The next morning Kelly asked if we could at least go look at the dogs. I said why did we need to do that if she already knew my answer and there wasn't any use in us going over there for her to hear it again. Well we went with promises of "I won't ask for one, I just want to see her." Arriving at the home the lady who had the pups was standing at the door with it just so happens with the one that Kelly wanted. Funny how those things work out. I looked at the pups and told Kelly that she was right, they were cute, but if we got one Molly would be jealous and feel bad because she would think that another dog may be taking her place. Kelly promised the usual, that she would not neglect Molly and she would teach them to get along together like sisters, she would feed, walk, water and clean up after it if she could just have the poodle. Why is it so hard to tell daughter no?

We went home with the minature poodle and my wallet was $400.00 poorer, but the smile on Kelly's face riding home replaced that loss. I asked her what she was going to name it and she said she did not know yet, but she would think of something.

We got home and Linda started laughing, "Couldn't hold out, could you?" I let her know she pawned the problem off on me and I tried many times to say no, but yes slipped out.

Kelly "introduced" Molly to the the new family member and all Molly could think of was guarding her food dish and all the poodle wanted to do was play with Molly. She reminded me of a black bouncing ball, her paws would no sooner touch the ground than she would bounce right back up again. I told Kelly she should name her Yoyo, Linda said no, it was too close to Yoko and she was never a big fan of hers. Kelly went several days trying to think of a name when one day a friend came to visit her, she was a Laotian friend of Kelly's named Jackie. Her mom had just dropped her off after taking her to the beauty parlour to have her hair cut and a permanant. She had curls on top of curls and jet black hair. After leaving that afternoon Kelly said the the poodle reminding her of her friend named Jackie and decided that would be the name she would give her.

For fourteen years Linda and I fed, bathed, walked, took to the vet and cleaned up after Kelly's Jackie. It was a labor of love. She had managed with her constant jumping and tugging at pant legs and the nightly curling up in a lap to make a place in our hearts and there she stayed.

This morning I went to take Molly and Jackie outside after waking up. Molly was waiting at the door, but Jackie wasn't standing beside her with her tail wagging waiting for the door to open. I just thought she had had one of her accidents and was too ashamed to come to the door. I looked around the house and behind my favorite chair I found her. She looked as if she was sleeping, but I could see that she was not breathing. I reached down and lifted up her still body and laid her in my lap for the last time. I looked down at her stroking her head thinking back to that day Kelly ran into the house fourteen years ago.

She is sleeping under the big crepe myrtle tree in the back yard now. After saying a few words to Linda that Jackie would soon be there I walked back into the house, Molly was on the bed staring out the window as if she was saying her last goodbye to a friend and companion of fourteen years. I looked out the back door as a breeze shook the flowers loose from the crepe myrtle Jackie now rested under and watched them float down to the freshly broken dirt.

Sleep well Jackie, you are loved very much and will be missed.

Later...

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Will Return Soon

Sorry I have not posted in a while, but matters that need my attention have taken priority. I will be back soo with a post. I hope you continue to drop by and again I apologize for my absence.

Later...

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Reasoning & Reality and the Internet

You know we live in a world of reality, a plane of tangible reasoning in which we can discern fact from fantasy, that which is real and that of make believe. The internet has caused us to blind ourselves to that fact. Let's not say the blame is with the internet, it was the vehicle to hope, a desire to make something real. A chance to turn those dreams we had into something more.

Is it foolish to place such expectations on something that is so close to us in a world that at best can be described as something less than reality? It was created as a means of sharing information, that was the concept of the World Wide Web and in its infancy it served its purpose well and it fulfilled that need to be able to exchange information, knowledge and ideas between people. But it has morphed and people learned to take advantage of the possibilities it offered outside of its original concept. In doing so they have created a world of fiction and fantasy that plays on those hopes and desires of others. It has given us the ability to extrapolate beyond our dreams, to overlay fact and fiction, to release our limitations and live in a pseudo reality. Our concept of how we see ourselves and our reality. What we would like to be or what we want from life.

I am not saying we should not have dreams or hopes or that fantasizing about something is wrong or that it makes us different from anyone else. We all have these within us, no one is exempt from this. We do however need to be able to tell the difference in them and not place our futures, dreams, hopes and desires in it and expect it to "pay off". We create and set our own expectations in life, we are creatures of reasoning, something that few species in this world possess. The difference that sets apart from the other species that have that ability to reason is that we have an advanced capability to reason. Or do we? An otter knows it is hard to open an abalone shell with just paws and teeth and reasoning tells him that he must incorporate something to facilitate him getting access to the meal locked inside. He knows and in doing so assists those efforts by using a tool, a rock to crack open his meal.

Even birds possess this reasoning and some species have also been able to expand their reasoning beyond their genetic inheritance. The crow for example already knows that to drop a walnut from a great height onto rocks he is apt to have a meal when the shell meets the ground, but crows that inhabit an urban environment have learned by reasoning that man can do this for them and save them energy in doing so. All they have to do is wait for a light to turn red, place their nut in the intersection and wait for the light to turn green, sooner or later a car will drive over it. Some may say this is nothing more than conditioning on the bird's part when driven to alternative solutions. But is it conditioning or advanced reasoning? I prefer to think it is the latter of the two. In order to reason you have to have the ability to think, conditioning is a repetitive action taught and no one taught these crows, this would require an outside intervention of a higher thinking entity. They could have kept dropping these nuts from a high altitude as they have always done and expelled great amounts of energy in doing so, but they reasoned there was a better way and in doing so expanded their thought process to find it, which expanded their ability to reason. It then became genetically inherent in their offspring. Now you may say this is nothing more than evolution, that they just evolved taking advantage of man's advances, but self evolution requires that you have the ability to reason.

Primates have proven this theory over and over again through out the evolutionary process. From sticks to bones to weapons of mass destruction we have taught ourselves to reason that there was always a better way. Chimps know now that a stick or a bone has more use than pounding a nut and trees limb to release the fruit, they have reasoned that it can be a decisive factor in the outcome of a dispute between rival tribes of chimpanzees or from another species that preys upon them. Somewhere within the time line of evolution, our ancestors reasoned that by adding a stone or a piece of shaped flint the effect of such a tool can be multiplied to his advantage and make their life easier and safer knowing that they had a superior advantage over others.

You may be wondering what this has to do with how I started off this post and where it was going in my process of reasoning. We have let the internet in a lot of aspects cause us to stop reasoning. It is a tool, just like anything else man has created to make life easier and we need to understand that it is nothing more than this. A tool to increase our knowledge and expand on our process of reasoning and evolve from that. It seems that a lot look at it as a means of salvation though. Salvation from their current situation in life, whether it be financial, emotional, relationships and a number of other things we think life has plagued us with. To a certain extent it can assist us in those endeavors to find help in these things, but it cannot save you from it. Reasoning tells us that to affect a change, we are that vehicle to change and once we realize that it is by our efforts we can seek and ends to a current means we can make a change. So many it seems have placed their faith in what they think is an answer when in fact in most cases it has done nothing more than compound the problem they were seeking an answer to.

Case in point, so many seek an end to two things on here and I have found that it is probably the most prevalent reason they are here seeking those answers and in their reasoning have bundled the two together, in effect seeking to kill two birds with one stone. Those reasons are financial and matrimonial. These are two entirely separate problems, but they feel one will fix the other. They have went beyond logical reasoning and extrapolated that line which separates the two to see both as one. Reasoning should tell them that a majority of what they will find is more problems taking that line of thought and will do little more than cause them undo emotional pain. So in some way this, the internet has become a tool that they feel has inflicted pain on them. When in fact when they turned to something such as this as a means to alleviate them from the pain they were going through, they inflicted more pain on themselves.

At our basic we are adventitious creatures, we have learned the easiest way in life is to take advantage of something or someone to our gain. None are guiltless from this fact, not that there is anything wrong with it to a certain extent, but as we all know there are various levels to being advantageous, from it being beneficial to all involved to where it is used for self purposes. The internet has given those with only their personal and selfish gain a fertile and sustainable world to exploit this. Have we learned from it? Have we utilized our ability to reason that by being a victim or witnessing another that has been victimized that we need to change our thought process and realize that for reality's sake, the answer is not here? Or that being creatures of habit we will continue to seek those answers to our lives on here? Being such creatures we continue our reasoning on the basis of objective reasoning and keep playing against the odds thinking that sooner or later we will be dealt a winning hand or as that in a lottery our number will come up. This world has really done nothing more that when utilized in such a manner and not what it was truly meant for, but to personify and give validity to Murphy's Law, that if there is the possibility of something going wrong, it will go wrong. More often than not, it ends up going wrong.

We have tried to create a perfect world paralleled with the imperfect world in which we live. In doing so have created a recipe for disaster when we cannot separate the two. We have left the reality of one world to live in the pseudo reality of one we created thinking we would find something real. Fact and fantasy rarely intermingle and if it does it is on an individual basis. It is when fantasy replaces reality in our lives and causes us to stop using our ability to reason we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, but this we learn too late and is usually realized after the damage has been done. When we have placed ourselves in the path of a storm we could have avoided, escaped from, we have lost our common sense to realize that there will devastating effects if we continue to do so. This is not a benign world, it is a world with very serious emotional consequences and sooner or later can be seen as a self destructive pattern with a very dire outcome. In a sense if viewed in such a manner it can be the ends to a means or rather a meaning to an end.

At this point I feel we need to digress in order to progress. To go back to a more logical process of reasoning and realize the answer to something better is within each of us and stop thinking we will find it outside of ourselves. To separate fact from fantasy and depend on our own inherent strengths to find a better way for ourselves. Relearn those lessons of survival and self preservation to overcome setbacks in our lives. To be dependent on ourselves again and not on something that in order to exist is dependent on us. Stop being fed by something that feeds on us. We need to evolve.

Later...

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Safe Harbor

She gave me encouragement when I needed it the most. Like the whisper of a breeze that cools a fevered brow she gave me comfort. She taught me to look into myself so that I might understand and grow. She taught me to step outside of myself and see me as others may. She offered so much of herself unselfishly, never asking for anything in return. Now I find myself thinking of her in her time of silent torment. Her fear she holds within not letting those close know the pain she is feeling and my heart cries for her now. What can I offer to comfort her? What can I offer to calm her fears? How can I return to her what she has given to me? This sweet delightful soul who dances in my thoughts and springs from my memory. This refuge once sought when the storms of life about me threatened me and cast me upon sands of doubt. Like a lighthouse she was there. A beacon above the storm beckoning to me, a safe harbor to calm my soul and quiet my fears.

She now rides upon the angry sea and is tossed in a turmoil of fear. Alone she bears this weight and asks no one to share it with her. Her words she offered can no one speak in like kind and return to her some of that strength she gave? In quiet agony she waits, waiting for that day to come. Trembling with thoughts of loneliness, looking for that safe harbor to rest. Does not anyone's light shine for her now? Cannot one be that rock she now needs to cling to?

My thoughts, hopes and prayers are now with her in this time of her need.

I miss our talks.

Later...

When the Truth is Not Enough

When is the truth not enough? Some would tell you that you should never have to offer anymore than the truth, that the truth in itself should stand on its own. To me that is being very naive and innocent in thought to think that just speaking the truth in itself should warrant nothing more substantial to solidify it. That is like believing that when you read the package on the cold cuts you buy at the supermarket when it says 100% beef, when in actuality a lot of it is beef by products. Parts of the cow you would probably never consume to begin with. Oh and another thing, the USDA makes an allotment for a certain percentage of foreign matter. Stand outside the gate of a meat packaging plant and do not let your eyes stray from the hands of the workers as they pass through the turnstiles and you will see what the USDA was talking about when they allot for that percentage. But even the missing digits aren't all the foreign matter they are thinking of when they made their allowances for this. If there is to be such a thing as truth in advertising the package should state what the foreign matter could possibly be. With boning methods becoming a science and all viable meat stripped from the bone, the next time you buy a pound of hamburger and you bite down on a piece of bone, if I were you I would wonder where it came from, chances are it didn't come from the cow the meat did. Fortunately I don't eat any beef product. Not only for the fact it is really not that good on anyone's digestion tract, but I really don't relish wondering what the foreign matter could be the USDA is talking about. By the way, rats are a fact of life in any processing plant, the USDA knows that and also knows that total eradication of the rats is impossible, so the next time you eat cotto salami and you bite into one of those peppercorns, hope that it was a peppercorn. You ever see a rat dropping next to a peppercorn? You honestly think that there is someone there watching for rat droppings through out the processing of cotto salami?

Enough with processed beef and its foreign matter policy. I do agree that the truth is important and that one should always tell the truth, when they can. There are times when the truth can be more detrimental than a lie. Your loved one has been dieting for months now, they even bought clothing 3 sizes to small as a goal reward to fit into. Well that day finally comes when with great effort and sucking in they manage to get them on, buttoned, zipped and snapped. They walk into the room and ask your opinion about how they look and you notice the strained buttons, the zipper about ready to burst and that snap that just won't stay snapped. Now do you tell the truth and say how they should maybe wait and continue the diet couple of more weeks and then ask you or do you tell them a little white lie and say how wonderful they look or that you thought they never looked over weight to you to begin with? At this point the only thing you really need to weigh is the circumstances of your answer. Do you like your meals cooked or frozen, do you prefer the couch over the bed or do you really want to wear Books Brothers knee length shorts into the office every day? Never underestimate a woman with a pair of scissors and a closet full of $700.00 suits. At that point in time the price of something holds no value to her. I opt for the lie and tell her I have never seen her look more ravishing.

I can remember the first pot of red beans Linda cooked for me. We had purchased a new set of cast iron pots and took them home. She did not bother to read the instructions, especially the "before use" instructions. I grew up with cast iron pots and pans and was very familiar with seasoning them and scrubbing them and what should be done before their use on a new purchase. Cast iron pots are from a sand casting process, which means the molds are made of sand, so there is a bit of preparation before use. Anyway I went to work that following Monday to return home that evening to a pot of red beans and fresh hot cornbread. They smelled delicious and there was steam still coming from the cornbread she had made in the cast iron skillet. I sat down at the table while she fixed me a plate of beans and buttered me some cornbread. I could not wait to taste them. She set the plate in front of me and then sat down next to me smiling. I took a bite and thought I was going to grind my teeth to the gums. Without saying a word I took a bite of the cornbread and thought I was eating sandpaper. She was till smiling when I looked over at her, "So?" she asked. Now how was I to address this? We did not own a couch, it was the middle of winter in New Jersey and I had grown accustom to the mattress we slept on. So I asked her about the new pots and pans and how she prepared them before she used them. "I rinsed them out." was my answer. I asked if she had ever used them before and she assured me she had, many times when she was living at home with her parents. That was why she liked them so much. I then asked if she had tasted the beans before I came home and she assured me that she had tasted the broth. I got to thinking that sand was pretty heavy, especially casting sand and it was most likely down in the lower parts and she probably only tasted it after testing the beans by the mashing method, where you mash a bean on the inside wall of the pot to see how tender it was and then lowered the heat to a simmer allowing the sand to settle to the bottom. So I asked her if she read the instructions before using the pots, I could see the confusion in her eyes at this point. "No I didn't, why should I? I know how to cook." came her defensive answer. Not wanting a confrontation or to sleep on a cold hardwood floor I walked over to where the box was the cast iron ware had come in and fished out the instruction sheet and set it in front of her. I was not going to be the one to tell her she did something wrong by not reading them, I just wanted her to understand that there were certain steps that should have been taken before using them. She looked at them and read them several times, "So I was supposed to boil them out several times then coat them in grease and place them in a 500 degree oven for two hours to season them?" she asked. I explained to her the casting process and that they do not clean the sand thoroughly from them and that there were things that had to be done to them before using them. Her response was, "It is your fault if you knew I should have done something to them and did not tell me." I shook my head still thinking of the cold hardwood floor and told her she was absolutely right, it had to be all my fault. "So how were the beans besides that?" she asked smiling. "You can cancel my dentist appointment to have my teeth cleaned." I answered. I think that was the hardest and coldest wood floor I ever slept on that night.

Now do you correct someone's grammar and pronunciation? This is a very ticklish thing to do and it is one of my pet peeves to hear a word pronounced wrong. Something I will refer to as stupidity rises up in me and I fail to fight that need to correct them. Case in point, Linda had her own language, she would sound things out as she thought they should be said. Compromise took on a whole new meaning to me one evening while we were discussing relationships. She said we should make compromises, now in Linnie language it is pronounced "com-promises" not "com-pro-mises", yeah, I corrected her. Then the word erogenous came up or rather erogenous zones, she pronounced it erroneous zones because she thought the "g" was silent. I could have just let them slide right past me and blown it off and just kept using the words repetitively through out our conversation until she got it right, but I didn't and I should have. At least we had carpet then so that night on the floor wasn't too bad.

Responsibilities came up in one of our conversations once. You know that is a very touchy subject, because I do not care how well you know or how long you have been with someone that is an ever evolving situation. She would tell me that there were specific things that a man did, she called them "man things" and he was obligated to do them. I made the mistake of asking her just what specific "man things" were that she felt it was my responsibility to do. Walk the dog, okay I could do that. Take out the trash, I could do that too. Honor our marriage vows to the letter, that was a given I told her. The list just kept getting longer and longer so I stopped her and asked what were her responsibilities in all of this, she said she would be busy enough making sure I was holding up my responsibilities to take on anything. So stupidly I said, "So it basically boils down to the fact that anything you do not wish to do automatically is put on the "man things" list." I was so happy we had finally purchased a couch.

So when is the truth not enough? When you realize that the truth can be detrimental to yourself, that is unless you like sleeping on floors and couches and eating processed lunch meat.

Later...