Taking Time for Granted

At times I wonder why. I wonder why I let certain aspects in my life decide my tomorrows when I should be the one making the decision. Excuses? Maybe they are, maybe unsure about what I may decide. We all know what is best for ourselves or at least we like to think we do, even though we may think at the time we made a right choice does turn out exactly the way we planned or thought it would.

Directionless, going through the motions, surviving another day just to go through it all over again and getting the same results. This seems to be my life now. I feel as if I am wandering through life, not ever really seeing what is in front or around me. Emotionless and numb to all going on in my life and not really caring about tomorrow. Sometimes I feel as if I am alone in all of this, but I know there are others that are going through the same thing, seems we never cross the path of those we may be able to relate to and share what we are feeling. We have learned to be good at hiding what we really are feeling and have learned to mask it to be seen as we are expected or wanting to be seen as.

I was listening to a song earlier by Michael Buble' called "Lost". How through or neglect we find that we are losing and that our world is crashing in on us and we are alone in bearing that great weight. Then another passage hoping it is not too late to make that change and that we are not alone in this and together they will be until they see light at the end of this passage in life they are going through. I never really paind attention to the words or the message in the song, like so many today I was superficial in understanding what it really meant, but as each day passes my understanding of what the message is that the write is trying to convey becomes clearer and clearer.

I feel as if I am in the dark at times, alone and no light is coming through, where there is no clear direction to take, no avenue of escape and no hope is mine to have. Depression? No, I do not feel depressed about it, I feel confused as to why I did this to myself or let it happen and why I did not correct it before it was too late to do so. I live with it now and I try to understand it and through understanding find that answer I am looking for and that escape the answer holds.

Time at this point in my life is no longer an ally, time does not work in my favor any longer. It is my enemy, one I need to beat before it wins. Patience is a pawn that I have played once too many times and now is a piece taken by time and cleared from the board. I used to think that patience was a virtue and by being so things would come to me and work in my favor, but now it is against me as time now controls it and with each passing minute that slips away the virtuous playing piece has been placed in peril as time slowly wins and takes patience to be used against me.

I can feel it slipping away from me like so many things in my life have already. I should have taken those events in my life as signs that if I do not act everything that I hold or held close to me will eventually be lost through time and my lack of action. Even the reassurances I received I failed to accept, thinking that in due time and with patience things will eventually work out for the better. So much has slipped through my hands to be lost in the cracks of time, another dimension where only memories live. Cluttered thoughts that slowly sink into the recesses of time, not to be forgotten even when buried under yesterdays memories. I wish at times I would have heeded certain words and did what was expected of me what was wanted of me.

But as I have said so many times we live our lives in hindsight and always see our mistakes after we have made them. We only learn to appreciate what we had after we no longer have it.

Later...

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