Okay, this isn't what I wanted to post but it seems I am getting carried away with it and I need to edit it and delete some things. I know if things get too long in a blog it will get to be tedious and then people give up on reading it. Besides that I have been very busy this past week with getting things done around here in order to move to my new place. You never really realize how much you have until you start packing boxes and I am bewildered to say the least. Between this and my storage unit I could honestly stock a small thrift store and not have to replenish the shelves for a year.
I also found myself getting side tracked and my attention easily diverted, not to mention the usual interruptions that seem to inadvertently break up the monotony during the course of my evening. Anyway, during one of these lulls I noticed someone come online that it had been a while since we had last talked. So using that as an excuse to stop what I was doing I sent them a message, I should have stuck to writing my post, because what I got back from just saying "hi, haven't seen you online in while." set off a tirade beyond description. I was starting to feel as if I was the source, the root of everything that ever went wrong in their life. I was admonished in ways I never thought I could be before. How a simple hi went awry I will never know.
If I am the cause of what they are feeling, I would like to know what it is that I have done. But I am not going to lose any sleep over it, nor will I pour over archives reading late into the night trying to figure out what it is that I could possibly have done. So pfft...they really need to get over it. One thing I noticed though, they seemed to get even more upset because I was not asking what it was they were upset about or if it was even directed at me. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Well I finally started moving, of course working by the hour the movers showed up late, but they came ready to work, I could tell that by the donuts and soft drinks that they were scarfing down. I offered them a napkin to wipe their hands with and one guy said, "Hell, its only furniture." So I answered, "Yes it is, but it is not your furniture." Things went pretty good, so about half way into the job I decided to give the driver the check. I handed over to him $800.00 and you would have thought I just handed him his time card, cause they started going slower. Before that, they were moving pretty fast, but it seemed what I was doing was much more interesting to them than doing what they were just paid for. So about 3:30pm they had finally finished unloading the boxes and furniture at the new house when the excuses started coming. "If I had known you had so much stuff I would have drove a bigger truck, but it looks like we going to have to make another load out of it." I said "You think? You didn't even move a complete room, you can't set up my bed because you left the foot board behind, can't use my couch because you left the cushions behind. Now I have to lug this ice chest full of food back to the old place because you couldn't get the refrigerator." "Well I didn't realize you had so much." was his reply. I asked him what part of my conversation over the phones had he not understood when we went through the physical inventory of the house? He said he understood all of it, just didn't realize it was so much.
Then came the insult to the injury, it was then he informed me that he would have to come back Monday to finish up the job and that it may cost more than the agreed upon price of the $800.00 he quoted. I reminded him that he told me 6 hours maximum at $100.00 per hour and that with $800.00 everything would be moved in one day. He then informed me that they had got a late start because they had got lost. I asked him how he had managed to get lost using a gps. "I dunno, I just did, it must have been when we turned at the wrong water tower." he informed me. This coming from someone who's ad stated that they having been moving people through out this area for over 25 years. I asked him if he expected me to pay for him getting lost and he said no, I then reminded him that they did not show up until 10am that morning and did not start to move any furniture until 30 minutes later and now you want to stop at 3:30pm. I let him know he still had $300.00 of mine to finish the move, how did he figure that it would cost me more? He then stated to me that our appointment time was for 9am that morning, I could not stop laughing and he looked at me as if I had been stricken with some sort of hysterical fit. I asked him what time he showed up again and he said 10 this morning. I said so you were late then and failed to inform me that you were late due to you getting lost, but you do not expect me to pay you for getting lost and then want to charge me from 9am to 3:30pm. I told him that he had breached our agreement when he failed to show at the appointed time without informing me. Anyway, he said daddy would call me first thing Monday morning and I then told him to be sure and tell daddy my attorney was going to read to him the Theft of Services law in this state.
So, I think the first day went pretty smooth, even thought I had to sleep in a recliner that evening and this evening will be the same. I am thinking about adding emotional distress, mental anguish and liability to my next conversation with daddy.
As I lay in my recliner that evening it dawned on me why the company had chosen such a name, not easy for the public to remember, but I guess when you sign your name with an X, using the first letter of the alphabet and the first number, they can always make sure the check is made out correctly.
Later...
P.S. This will be my last post for a while, they won't physically hook up my internet until I am in the house nor send me my router until then. Take care and I hope to see you soon.
I was going through old papers in my files, cleaning them out and came across some things I had forgotten all about. Before I would express what I was thinking in blogs I would write them down on paper, index cards and napkins, shove them in a file someplace and forget about them. I don't know what possessed me to want to clean them out today and it amazed me to see so much I had forgotten about and further amazes me to think I kept a lot of it. Here is one I came across and would like to share.
Voices November 1994
As I walk alone in silence I notice the trees laid bare by the season's rapid change. And in the quiet stillness I can hear the voices of memories past reminding me how much I miss the companionship and guidance I depended so much on. What path have I taken in life that has led to this desolate time of my existence? I can hear the voice so clear and it beckons me to join it. What is it I hear? I have listened to it so many times in the past in the guise of friendship, only to to be left to stand alone when the tides of doubt lap at the ever changing sands at my feet. I reach out to grasp the hand given in friendship , only to find the shadow left behind by the voice I trusted.
As I see the trees in their nakedness, I am reminded of how vulnerable I am. For like the trees that shed their leaves and have faith in the seasons for their renewal, I also shed my doubts and mistrust and listen to the voice that calls me to believe in it and its unwavering steadfastness, then to find that the change it offered, the comfort it promised was only a false vision of hope that left me standing alone.
I am like any man, I seek those with whom I can relate to, those who I can confide and trust in and still I listen to the voice, it seems to always say the same things, to trust it and it will always be there when I need it. But yet again the seeds of deceit have produced their poisoned fruit and again darkness and solitude are all that surround me. Where is this voice now?
I claim to be nothing more than who I am and give of myself all that I can. Why is it that I, like the trees, trust in life's inevitable change in hopes of a new beginning but unlike the new cloak of foliage that envelopes the naked tree, I am still standing, listening for the voice, waiting, hoping that I won't be misled by the next voice that beckons me to believe.
Later...
The question I am asked the most is if I do my own cooking or do I eat out a lot. My answer has always been that I do my own cooking. I do it for several reasons, first is because I am not dating and I hate eating alone, eating out to me is something you share and I like a good conversation with my meal. Not saying I couldn't hold down a very deep discussion on current events with myself, just that I would get tired changing chairs in the process and the stares would be unbearable after a while. Conversation compliments a meal like a good beer, wine or after dinner martini. Second is that restaurants are starting to specialize in what they serve or as I call it, limiting their menu and I like a variety to choose from.
A lot seem flabbergasted to know that I can even boil water much less cook a meal, but in fact I am a very accomplished cook and I can whip up a meal to rival even some of the finer cooks you may find in any of the better restaurants. Seems I have always had a knack for cooking, something I taught myself.
I cook many types of cuisine, as I said I like variety in my diet. I cook standard fair, or home cooking like I was raised with, but I also cook Mexican, Italian, Chinese, some Thai, Caribbean and German.
I am not one who eats beef or pork, I stay with poultry, shellfish and fish, but beef and pork will compliment most anything I cook or can be used a substitution. I do eat a lot of vegetables and fruit and try to incorporate both in my meals together to create layers of taste. If you like the following recipe, then hopefully in the future I will post more.
My Ragu
This is a very quick meal to prepare and very filling.
6 slices bacon (I prefer pancetta, but bacon is common)
1 medium sweet onion diced (preferably Mayan or 1015)
4 cloves of garlic crushed them minced (crushing releases the oils in the garlic)
1 small carrot jullianed (also known as matchstick)
½ large bell pepper diced
2 cups coarsely chopped mushrooms (type is your preference)
½ cup quartered black olives
2 medium tomatoes medium diced
2 medium or 3 small zucchini medium diced
Salt and pepper to taste
½ cup white wine, if using portabello mushrooms I like using a good Marsala reduced to ¼ cup.
1 stick or ½ cup butter, keep in refrigerator until ready.
16 oz of cooked pasta (fettuccine, linguine or spaghetti pasta)
In a large skillet brown and render bacon, remove bacon and crumble when cool. Do not drain fat, saute onions until translucent and slightly tender, add bell peppers and carrots and saute until crisp tender. Add mushrooms cook until moisture is released and mixture is reduced, then add zucchini and cook until it is crisp tender. Salt and pepper to taste. Add crushed minced garlic at this point. Add the wine and reduce by ½ then add butter slowly by spoon fulls until incorporated, it is important not to let the butter break or separate. Add the black olives and diced tomato to heat only, do not let them cook. Stir in crumbled bacon and serve over pasta.
If you like you can serve steamed citrus infused shrimp, sauteed scallops in butter and garlic, grilled chicken, crab meat or fresh clams. If using clams, add to liquid before adding butter, tomatoes and black olives.
Citrus Infused Shrimp
1 dozen shelled and deviened shrimp
½ cup white wine
½ cup water
1 Tbsp of orange zest
1 Tbsp of lemon zest
½ Tbsp of lime zest
Salt and pepper to taste
Add wine, water and zests to bottom of steamer pot and bring to boil. In steamer basket place the seasoned shrimp and steam until it has lost its translucency. If you want a more citrus flavor to shrimp you can sprinkle some of the zest on the shrimp prior to adding to steamer basket. Add to ragu mixture.
Scallops Sauteed in Butter and Garlic
1 Dozen bay scallops rinsed and patted dry
4 Tbsp of butter
1 Tbsp olive oil (virgin)
4 cloves crushed minced garlic
Sea salt and crushed black pepper to taste
In a skillet melt butter with 1 tbsp of olive oil when heated add seasoned scallops and saute until lightly browned on both sides, place on plate and cut each into quarters and mix with ragu mixture.
Grilled Chicken
2 Chicken breasts with skin on
¼ cup of butter melted in small sauce pan
6 cloves garlic crushed & diced
2 Tsp fresh chopped rosemary
2 Tsp fresh chopped thyme
Add garlic and herbs to melted butter and brush on skin side of chicken.
On medium coals places chicken that has been salted and peppered skin side down over indirect heat, not directly over coals and baste with butter mixture. Turn chicken every 15 minutes and baste each time until juices run clear and skin has turned to a golden brown. Remove chicken and let rest and cool. Remove and discard skin, chop chicken coarsely and add to ragu mixture.
Boiled Crab
4 large crabs (blue, leopard or box crab)
2 cups water
2 cups white wine
2 Tbsp salt
1 Tsp pepper
2 Tsp Liquid Cayenne pepper
Add water, wine and seasonings to a large pot and bring to boil. Add crab and cook 15 to 20 minutes. Remove and cool, shell the crab meat and add to ragu mixture.
A good white wine like a Pinot goes well or a good Italian beer served ice cold in frosted pilsner glasses.
If you try, I hope you enjoy. Thank you for letting me share this with you.
Later...
Out with the old and in with the new or a year in retrospect. Dusting cob webs was never a priority with me and as I look back many are strung behind me and entangled in each are the testimonials to many broken dreams, broken resolutions and broken promises. But even looking back through the cob webs I can see the twinkle of a few bright moments and as I brush back the cob webs they come into focus.
They say there is a reason for every thing and every thing has a reason that happens to us in our life. Some good, some bad, some inert and some you will never fully understand why it happened. For the most part as I look back I can accept most that has happened to me in the past twelve months but it is those ones I cannot understand that will probably keep me wondering through out the next year. Be that as it may I know eventually I will either figure it out or forget about it. So let's review.
It was basically a pretty lazy and non productive year personally for me. I did not work much at all, fortunately I am in a position now that work has become and option for me and not a requirement. Maybe it should have been a requirement because I proved one thing, that an idle mind is the devils playground and I am not at all proud of things that I have done. All I can do is hope for those transgressions I am forgiven. To one especially who I hurt and wounded deeply I hope they can find it in their heart to get past what has happened and forgive me. They told me they cannot stay angry, but I feel that forgiveness has not come, but I am patient and I will wait. Maybe this year.I found out how long nights were this past year, I have watched many roll by. I have come to hate sleeping now. I used to love the sunsets, I loved the colors as it painted the sky in red, vermilion and oranges, now I see it as an omen to a lonely night. I sit up night after night watching time slowly drag by not going to lay down until 3 or 4 in the morning. Exhaustion seems to help to fall asleep, at least it stops the thoughts in my head that would normally keep me awake. I realize they are guilt driven and I also realized it is something I am going to have to learn to live with. Maybe a resolution for the coming year I will be able to keep, you never can tell.
I learned many things about myself. Not because of me seeing myself, but seeing myself through others. I think that is the best way one can really see themselves. I have two people who I can thank for that, I won't mention their names, they know who they are. It was through them I saw many things about myself I was blind to or things I just refused to see. But it was though these two people that I was able to open my eyes and understand some things about me that I had not seen before. Through one I realized that my actions just didn't affect me, that many ripples were created and they touched many. I learned that when you love someone and when you hurt them, you hurt yourself. That there is more than one who loses in love and once lost it is never found again. The other taught me acceptance, how to accept myself for good or bad to accept it and get on with life. She taught me or rather she is teaching me to stop being so hard on myself, to stop feeling the guilt, this I am still trying to learn. She was the one there when I needed someone to talk to. She listened and she offered her words to me. I have no greater respect for anyone. It was through her I learned to "see" and before I say something understand what I am saying that what I say will have consequences. She has given me many gifts of wisdom and I will forever be in her debt.
My smile in Hong Kong, I cannot help but feel good when I talk with this one. Funny and very uplifting, but don't let that fool you. She is very intelligent and has a very deep understanding of life and people. She though is one to have as a friend in life, she truly cares and will stand beside you through it all. She has been a blessing in my life and I cannot say enough about how wonderful she is. Always supportive and worries if she hasn't heard from you in a while and will hunt you down just to make sure you are okay.
Ohio, what can I say. I have never laughed so much in my life. You bring tears to my eyes from laughing so hard and you help me forget many things. You came at the right time, I don't know how I would have ended this year laughing without you. Thank you for being there with your quick wit, quips and smile. You have helped me through some very rough times.
Jeremy Wade First born February 25, 2002
Coby Brennan Second to this trio September 11, 2003
Shelby Owen the third in this little group June 22, 2006
My grandsons, a source of happiness every day of every year and this past one has been no different. The antics they pulling keeps me smiling as do their constant whys, what for's and can I's their little minds can conjure up. From the naps they fail to take, because they have figured out you can only catch one at a time from them devising new ways to get a cookie or finding where I hid the candy. They have become masters of deception these three. Shelby, (aka Dinky) will keep your attention as the other two ransack all the drawers and cabinets to find all the hidden goodies then run off smiling once found to get his cut of the booty. Much they have learned over this past year. I just smile and think, team work in action. As I watch them grow though I can see in them three very loving and caring boys who may squabble every now and then, but will let nothing come between them.
Closing out this year and to make ready for the coming new year it is time I imagine to close a few doors behind me and put away a few things. Some I have found very hard to walk away from. But as I close this door I know that tomorrow will be bright and as I have been told, the sun will still rise. And as I embark on this new year it is with hope that I see tomorrow and for good things to come.
So to all I wish that have come and gone and to those that have come and stayed Happy New Year and may it bring you closer to the
ones you love and to ones that love you.
Later...
P.S. Yes..I know I was supposed to put up some pictures of the little guys..but just got lazy and didn't do it.
Merry Christmas! I want to thank everyone for visiting my little corner of the ether this past year and I hope each found something that piqued your interest.
During this festive and reflective time of the year I hope you each find a moment or two to look back and reminisce on something that makes this season special to you. I am happy I was able to share a few of my thoughts with every one who happened to stumble upon my page, but I am pleased that you took a moment to see what was here.
Now, on to my seasons greetings.
It seems that during this time of year we find ourselves hurrying about trying to beat the crowds that always seem to know exactly where we are going to be. Trying to find that certain gift that will make someone's Christmas morning bright. Whether it be for a loved one or friend, we each try our best to make the gift memorable for them. Each year I am asked what I would like for Christmas and each year I answer a smile. I think that is the most memorable gift I could receive from anyone, for in that smile is reflected their joy and surprise that will embed itself in our memory. With each smile being as unique and different as snowflakes and each will have it's own memory.
Kelly, you have made each Christmas special to me throughout your 26 years, from your first Christmas where you thought that the wrapping and bows were more attractive than the present inside. I could not ask for a more wonderful daughter than you, I want to say that I am very proud of you and I couldn't love you more. You have given to me such wonderful joy and have made my life full. You have given me smiles that are attached to memories that I know will always be with me. Know that you will always be my favorite memory. I love you Kelly.
Jeremy, my first born grandson. I can remember your first Christmas vividly as you tore into presents that weren't even yours. Now it is your seventh Christmas and I am looking forward to sharing it with you. The joy that is reflected like a twinkle in your eyes each Christmas morning is brighter than the year before.
Coby, your cherub face always brings a smile to my heart as you quiz me relentlessly with all the whys you have running around in that head of yours. But it seems each Christmas those whys you have turn into oh's and ah's as your eyes as large as silver dollars take in all the sights the season offers. I can't wait to see them this coming Christmas morning.
Shelby, (aka Dinkey), Mr. Smile himself. Your second Christmas little man and I can already see that mischief in your eyes as you sidle over to the tree to see if that was a piece of tape that wasn't adhered very well. Stuffing that mouth with as many cookies and pieces of fudge it can hold and leaving those little chocolate finger prints all over each package. I guess that explains why the dogs like to sit next to you when it is time to open presents, they can lick the wrapping.
Momo, the one I have found that feels the joy of giving is what the spirit of the season truly defines. To take that day set aside for family and to give it to those who cannot be with theirs that day. You are more than a shining example. I want to thank you for just being who you are and to let you know that I am very honored to know you, even if only in this way. You have opened my eyes and taught me to see with my heart. I am forever indebted to you for all you have given to me.
And so to all as the song goes, "Although it's been said many times many ways, Merry Christmas to you..."
Know each and everyone holds a place in my heart and each has given me smiles that I will always remember.
Later...
No, I didn't know him very well, but that of him which I knew will be with me. Like me, loved a good "debate", if that is what I could call it. And I believe that is what I will miss most above anything else.
I realize that I was not an ardent contributor to Embracing Dreams, but the times I did go there I noticed he seemed to show a keen interest in every member there. His jocular insight in the ability to find the humor when all seemed very dark is testament to him and his way of seeing that it can only get better.
It is moments like this that make us wish we had taken the effort to get to know someone better. We take it for granted that there will always be time, but then we see that time has slipped from us and in a whisper they are gone. As I said in a testimonial to him at Embracing Dreams, "I cannot say if he is in a better place or not, I do not know where our souls go when we are released from these mortal chains that bind us to the present.", but I do know this, he has left an impression on all who had the good fortune to have met him.
In life we are given a specific amount of time on earth before we pass on to someplace that only our convictions in a religious belief or teachings tell us where we will enter next and it is what we do with the specific amount of time we are allotted that we will be remembered. From what I have witnessed and been told he will be remembered with fondness and in his benevolent outreach to those less fortunate. It is not often in life we meet someone that touches us as they touch others and give of themselves unselfishly and without thought of personal gain.
I would like to think I am one of the fortunate ones.
Later...
a forest of memories I walk through...
as I pass through light and shade...
dappled thoughts at my feet...
that echo from years gone by...
smiles and laughter, frowns and tears...
are the leaves upon these trees...
and I the gardener who who planted the seed...
each tree I claim as mine...
the blood and sweat of those who cared...
ferment with all my failures...
while all the good deeds that I once did see...
are lost in the forest's litter...
a meadow breaks where sun peeks through...
it warmed my soul a while...
soon weed and bracken choked the ground...
and the petals of flowers wilted and died...
no song bird sings upon the branch...
no cricket chirps beneath the leaves...
all is quiet as silence is the only sound...
her smile that was my sunshine...
her tear that was my rain...
she made this place fertile one time...
a place peasant to be...
now as I walk in this forest of memories...
her voice no longer is whispered to me...
and I try to turn and go back to that place...
the one we shared each day...
I walk through brier and bramble...
bruised and weary I go on...
only to find she is no longer there...
her waiting is over and done...
she dwells in another forest now...
flowers bloom where she walks...
she smiles and brings the sunshine...
her tears sate another's thirst...
her song is sung in far away winds...
no longer will I hear...
now silence is the only sound...
amidst these trees I now fear...
I spoke to my friend again, she sees through me like glass. I believe she called me Mr. Transparent, I honestly believe she knows where my heart lies. Even though we do not speak of it any more, subtle nuances still enter the conversation, maybe it is a word or a phrase I unconsciously type in, but she will let me know in her way that I have yet to let go. I try and tell her I am putting it behind me, I know she sees through that though and she will quickly change the subject as not to let me dwell on it too long.
She is a very benevolent person, never have I seen her place her problems to me, but rather shows concern for those she cares about over herself. I don't know if it is her way of paying penance for something she feels she needs to, but I do know she has been through and survived many trials in her life and she has yet to lose that positive outlook that seems to radiate from her like warmth from the sun.
The poem I have written I know she and the person I wrote it about will understand its meaning. I guess she is right, I just can seem to let this one go.
Later...
An Echo....
When you find you are lost, always go back to where you started...
