A Time Past

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months have past since she had turned to walk away and said she would never look back. She said that with time he would not feel the pain of separation, that he would start to feel better and get over it. Still he thought and wondered. She was wrong and he knew it, deep down inside he believed that she knew it too. He wanted to tell her so many times that it has not died and the pain had not eased any, that with each passing day there was still the pain that memories of a time past bought to him. Would she care to know or even hear is words? A question he often asked himself each time he fought back the impulse to tell her how miserable he actually felt.

Nights seemed the worse for him as he shuffled about the house, empty it seemed with the silence over taking him, deafening in its solitude as a constant reminder of yesterday. Sitting in his bed, darkness envelopes him and outside he hears the sad song and it echoes reverbantly through his mind.

Outside the nightbird sings

Only to remind him he is alone

The pain within stings

Trying to forget she is gone

In the quiet he slips away

Back to her where he belongs

Memories with edges frayed

The night bird sings it song

He is emersed in the past, in thoughts of what was and wonders if she ever slips back to that time, losing herself as he has so many times. Time slipping by like dripping wax slowly hardening. Thoughts racing as the trackless memories surface when one slips back down into that dark pool of yesterday and of what was. He wonders if her tears too have traced down her face, each representing a small piece of a broken heart. He sighs as he listens to the song outside his window and how it reminds him of how lonely he is feeling.

Life being played out, one memory at a time, one tear at a time, lost but will never be forgotten, remembered not with a smile as memories should be. Remembered as he orchestrated it to his demise. The loss of life of a loved one is a closing, death is a finality he can see and deal with, as it has visited him many times in the past, but the loss of love too is a death, one hard to grasp, to see and even harder to accept. Hard to bury something that is still living within him.

Later...

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Going Super Nova

I had been reading a book concerning the universe and black holes, how stars and suns were formed out of gaseous clouds, their life and death and noticed a resemblance as to how close it is to life as we live it. Life as I can see it is formed in much the same way the universe births new stars, how from just the seed of a nucleus it grows in the vast expanse of nothing to become something, unique in itself just as we are unique unto ourselves, not one alike and just as here in our lives even twins are born.

The one part that amazed me the most was the life of a star or sun and just like us it serves a purpose in its creation. It is as if this is another playing ground for the Gods or God, whichever belief you follow that fate and destiny once again find themselves in that age old dance of life and following specific paths.

Lesser stars are drawn to larger stars due to gravitational pull on them, some stars can be consumed by these greater stars becoming a part of it, sharing its life forces and energy. To become as one.

The analogy that I noticed was how we too are pulled to another in much the same manner stars are pulled to each other. By some reason we find ourselves gravitating towards this stronger or brighter being, orbiting around them much in the same way a lesser star orbits a stronger star and just as the star we start spiraling towards this stronger pull that has drawn us and such as space and the vast universe we dance the dance of the stars, the gravitational pull being the intimacy that we share as we learn more and more of each other, being drawn closer and closer until we are at a point that the pull is so strong that we cannot pull away and in a sense of helplessness we soon find ourselves engulfed by those same forces that the stars experience. Spiraling uncontrollably into this heavenly body, being consumed by it, becoming a part of it, becoming one with it.

But even this is not infinite in its creation, it too has a life just as finite as the ones we live here on earth. Once a star starts its death throes it begins to collapse in on itself, something very familiar to every human being, something we have all experienced at some point in our existence, our world comes crashing in on us, and like those stars who have lived out their life, we implode. Soon our pain and sorrow starts expanding out from that implosion, just as the cosmic matter from a collapsed star starts expanding, spreading across the vast universe and affecting everything it comes into contact with, so does our emotions play on other's lives we come into contact with. Then as we try to gain composure we start pulling back the pieces of our life, just as star starts to pull back, trying to put the pieces together, much denser than it was before and weighing very heavy just as we feel the heaviness of the burden we feel weighing on us. Soon that weight, just like the stars is to great and again becomes too much to bear and collapses again, but this time a great void is created, a vacuum that pulls everything about it towards it, a black hole. Pulling life forces just as we do in our life, feeding off the energy of others, pulling them too into that void we have created.

Life is how we perceive it I guess and life runs close parallels with all creation, with all things known to us, whether here on earth or in the gaseous wombs where stars are born. We are all actors on this earth and the universe is our stage, the world has gotten too small to host such a performance of life and its meaning.

Later...

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Adrift

At times I feel I am on the outside looking in, wondering if I am standing on the side of reality or on the side of dreams and fantasy that this seems to induce. I see myself in this as a neophite and feel as if this is more of a lifeline to m sanity than an escape from insanity. I cannot tell at times what is real and what is as vaporous as fog as I find myself winding deeper and deeper into this world created on disillusion, where smoke and mirrors are the magician's tools to hide fact from fiction. Maybe nothing more than an illusion I have conjured up in my own mind rather than constructed by another. The more I try to separate what is real from that which was created for amusement.

Adrift upon a sea of of bits and bytes, I am a part of the flotsam generated in this world. Floating hopelessly without an anchor or mooring to stop this ceaseless journey. Islands of refuge appear on the horizon that we think is a safe harbor, but soon I realize that it nothing more than a resting place before I continue this senseless journey that this has taken me on. Waves of confusion confront me, pushing into a current of doubt. No rudder to guide my course, I am at the mercy of this sea in which I find myself in. It decides where I will go next and what I will encounter. No control, no say to where I will eventually end up.

Many like me are adrift and the expessionless faces look back at me with hollow eyes. All hopes seems dashed upon the rocks of the pounding surf dashing dreams. Shores of tranquility always in sight, but unable to reach it's shores as the undertow of the tide holds me from reaching it's shores. Still I drift.

Later...

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Wide Awake With No Sleep In Sight

Another sleepless night with thoughts parading around in my head like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. One trailed after another in a succession as brightly and elaborately decorated as any float could be. Just as soon as one would clear my thoughts another would be right behind it. How I wish at times sleep would come to me as easy as the thoughts that keep me awake. Seems the harder I try not to think, the more thoughts come.

I even tried replacing one thought with another, trying to bottleneck them, confuse myself hoping that it would stop. I did succeed in confusing myself, but I failed at stopping the thoughts, they came like a tidal surge before a hurricane. Pulling my pillow over my head, pressing it hard against my head trying to not think. I tried and tried to distract myself, shaking my foot, reading, listening to the radio, still the thoughts persisted and the night drug on slowly. No sleep tonight.

I resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to sink into a restful slumber so I decided to take a shower and put on a pot of coffee and go fetch the paper. Funny how miniscule my problems are when I read about events going on around the world, wars, droughts, famine, sickness and the list just keeps getting longer and longer. New fuel for thoughts I guess, something else to keep me awake at night thinking about.

As I sat and read the paper and drinking my coffee and knowing that what I am reading is not much different than what I read the day before and will not be much different when I read it tomorrow. You would think by now that we would learn from history. Guess I will mull it over in bed tonight.

Later...

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Taking Time for Granted

At times I wonder why. I wonder why I let certain aspects in my life decide my tomorrows when I should be the one making the decision. Excuses? Maybe they are, maybe unsure about what I may decide. We all know what is best for ourselves or at least we like to think we do, even though we may think at the time we made a right choice does turn out exactly the way we planned or thought it would.

Directionless, going through the motions, surviving another day just to go through it all over again and getting the same results. This seems to be my life now. I feel as if I am wandering through life, not ever really seeing what is in front or around me. Emotionless and numb to all going on in my life and not really caring about tomorrow. Sometimes I feel as if I am alone in all of this, but I know there are others that are going through the same thing, seems we never cross the path of those we may be able to relate to and share what we are feeling. We have learned to be good at hiding what we really are feeling and have learned to mask it to be seen as we are expected or wanting to be seen as.

I was listening to a song earlier by Michael Buble' called "Lost". How through or neglect we find that we are losing and that our world is crashing in on us and we are alone in bearing that great weight. Then another passage hoping it is not too late to make that change and that we are not alone in this and together they will be until they see light at the end of this passage in life they are going through. I never really paind attention to the words or the message in the song, like so many today I was superficial in understanding what it really meant, but as each day passes my understanding of what the message is that the write is trying to convey becomes clearer and clearer.

I feel as if I am in the dark at times, alone and no light is coming through, where there is no clear direction to take, no avenue of escape and no hope is mine to have. Depression? No, I do not feel depressed about it, I feel confused as to why I did this to myself or let it happen and why I did not correct it before it was too late to do so. I live with it now and I try to understand it and through understanding find that answer I am looking for and that escape the answer holds.

Time at this point in my life is no longer an ally, time does not work in my favor any longer. It is my enemy, one I need to beat before it wins. Patience is a pawn that I have played once too many times and now is a piece taken by time and cleared from the board. I used to think that patience was a virtue and by being so things would come to me and work in my favor, but now it is against me as time now controls it and with each passing minute that slips away the virtuous playing piece has been placed in peril as time slowly wins and takes patience to be used against me.

I can feel it slipping away from me like so many things in my life have already. I should have taken those events in my life as signs that if I do not act everything that I hold or held close to me will eventually be lost through time and my lack of action. Even the reassurances I received I failed to accept, thinking that in due time and with patience things will eventually work out for the better. So much has slipped through my hands to be lost in the cracks of time, another dimension where only memories live. Cluttered thoughts that slowly sink into the recesses of time, not to be forgotten even when buried under yesterdays memories. I wish at times I would have heeded certain words and did what was expected of me what was wanted of me.

But as I have said so many times we live our lives in hindsight and always see our mistakes after we have made them. We only learn to appreciate what we had after we no longer have it.

Later...

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Stuff

Nothing comes to mind and I wonder now why I am even trying to post something. I spoke with someone I have not talked to in a while yesterday, it was good to hear from them again and I found how much I have missed talking with them. It was more of a cordial "how are you?" and "I don't see you online very much." sort of thing, but none the less it was very good to hear from them again. I had found myself wondering about them and how they were getting along. I was relieved to see that they were doing well. I hope that it is not the last time for a another long spell before we talk again.

Not much going on in my life for now. I do not logon to the chats any longer nor do I do a lot of messaging. Guess I am weaning myself from the past or the hold it had on me before. Or rather the hold I let it get on me. I do not find myself missing it though, I do find myself missing people I have met on here and talking with them. A lot of what I do now is through offline messages, one in particular I have been talking with for sometime now. For some reason they went to Toronto to learn Cantonese and soon will return to China. There are others that I speak with when I come to check my email and messages. One is a very sweet person and we seem to be able to talk about a lot of things without me offending them, (amazing, isn't it?) but we manage to be open enough about things in our life and our expectations.

Ah, expectations, I have few, seems the older I get the less I expect out of life or out os someone in my life. Self disappointment has a lot to do with it, making wrong decisions, not being as open about myself as I should have been when it was important to do so, not being truthful with those that mattered and hiding myself from those who wanted to see the real me. My own downfall or as it is said, I kicked my own chair out from under me. Something I am learning to live with. One of my dad's favorite sayings in life was, "You have made your own bed, now lie in it." I never really understood what he meant back then, but its meaning has become crystal clear to me now.

Such is life and such is my life, learning to live with what I have done and wishing at times I had done it different. But I guess we all wish that at some point in our lives. So many cliche's come to mind now when I think of yesterday, maybe my life is a cliche', it would not surprise me one bit if it were. Anyway, I will close this and find something else to occupy my mind because I have found nothing on here that seems to fill that void I have been feeling.

Later...

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.

Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away

Been a while since I posted anything and thought I should at least make an attempt at something. My tooth has been bothering me lately and it makes it hard to concentrate on anything for any amount of time before the pain diverts my attention, but I have had a few moments when through my clouded thoughts I could focus and have a few moments to slip back to another time and place.

I was listening to the radio the other evening, not anything in particular, mainly just trying to drown out the overwhelming silence that seemed so deafening for some reason. Maybe it was nothing more than my toothache or the pain medications that seemed to amplify the silence that had settled in around me, but a song came on that my father liked a lot and as I listened to it I was reminded how fleeting time is. There is a line in the chorus, "And ain't it funny how time slips away." and I started dwelling on that particular line as I reflected on yesterday.

So much comes into our lives and much passes on through. Some leave thoughts for tomorrow and others forgotten no sooner than they are gone. It could be seen as milestones through out our lives to mark passage or highlight an event we have experienced, either way it did something or left an indelible impression on us for some reason that will always be with us. So I let myself go and gave into those memories as they passed through my thoughts.

Big plans in life when I was old enough to start thinking about my future and how I saw myself in it then. From a life in a commune, a guitarist, an architect to a self made man not having a worry and doing as I pleased. I never saw myself as a husband and a father or being where I am at in life right now. I never imagined I would be a grandfather or that I would be alone at this point in my life. No never did I ever imagine it at all. Now a Caribbean island laying in a chaise lounge under an umbrella on a beach with a tall cold drink in my hand I could imagine and I can still imagine that to this day. But it seems that no matter how we see ourselves tomorrow we rarely see it come to us. We can Rembrant it and paint us in that picture we see, but like a picture we hang on the wall we mainly just end up imagining that one day this is how our life will be painted. We step back and admire it and tell ourselves "Someday" but rarely if at all do we find that day.

I envy those who have found that day, that those dreams they had when they were younger came to fruition. I am not jealous because what I have now nothing could ever replace that, a beautiful daughter and three grandsons and memories of the one that made that happen. But yet I wonder what it would have been like if I had done something different, would it have still taken me to where I am at today? Would fate had set me on a different path?

I thought of all those dreams I had yesterday and how I always told myself there was always tomorrow to start making them happen. Seems though that as the old saying goes, "tomorrow never comes." there is only today and yesterday. Nothing I can do about yesterday as it has already come and gone and as tomorrow never comes I only have today to work with as I have always had before and as before I always told myself there is always tomorrow. Lazy? Maybe that could be it, ambivelent could be an excuse, but I think it more of wondering if I could do it at all and be successful at it. Could be that I think about it too much, like that first dip in the pool, instead of just diving in I just think how cold it could be, the shock to my body and then wonder if it would be easier to just ease myself in. Place a foot in, acclimate it and then slowly emmerse myself until I have accustomed myself to the change. Much like life and how we go through it. Hardly do we ever just dive right into something in life, too many varibles or possiblilities that something could go wrong, no we ease ourselves into it until we have acclimated ourselves to the situation. A chance to always pull our foot out until we have completely commited oursleves to something new, something we are not accustomed to. We, or at least I tell myself there is always tomorrow.

So much comes to us in life, much just passes through like a breeze through the leaves and is gone. Always tomorrow to begin those dreams if only there was a tomorrow.

Later...

Stories posted here are the exclusive property of the Smiling Pig. No other use or reproduction of the content contained here is permissible without written prior consent.