Flight to San Fransisco
Part 1 of 2 of the final installment
(Yeah I thought I could finish it.)
Man I felt better now, stopped at the Mercado and found a pair of stiletto leg jeans, like a second skin, accentuates the assets you could say and a pair of ostrich quill tangerine colored zapatos, lace up. A pair of brown and white banlon sheer socks, one of those skinny brown belts with the silver tip and four different colors of the same shirt that Ruffie character wore. Flowers with naked ladies posing in the pedals. Black, red, blue and yellow, I grabbed the red one. As I was paying for it I noticed by the register they had dickies woven from chest hair.
"You sell many of these pardner?"
"You mean those chest hair dickies senor?"
"Yeah those things that say "Dickies, woven from the chest hair of convicts to further their rehabilitation.", yeah those."
"We sold one a couple seeks ago to some guy from New York. I think he is still around."
"Would his name be Raffie?"
"No, but his money did all his talking for him. He had some."
"Did he act like he was cold, I mean as if it was cooler here than where he had arrived from?"
"How much snow you see around here mister?"
He had a point, no snow here.
"So where do you think he came from then where they could have had snow?"
"I would think maybe mister where he said, New York."
"So then why did he have to come down here to cool off if it is snowing in New York? I mean a nice long walk and you could be as cool as you wanted."
There seemed to be a flaw in Raffie's story now, seems he didn't have to come to Tijuana to cool off, he could have done that in New York if he had wanted. No, there are other reasons that didn't have anything to do with climate differences here.
"Senor, there is a 15% exchange fee if you going to use American dollars."
"Yeah, whatever. Just another little scam to get more money out of me."
"Yes senor, we still have to pay the local drug lord around here so those addicts where you come from can have their fix."
"Hey pardner, you don't see that crap being shipped down here. You got your directions a little mixed up. You the one feeding the serpent Diego."
"The name is Pedro senor, not Diego."
"So you and that Juan character that owns that bar down the street kin? Same names."
"How is Pedro and Juan the same name?"
"I called him Pedro there Diego."
"You going to keep rubbing the dickie senor or would you like to buy it?"
"Sorry, was just thinking about a little Polynesian number I used to date."
"That will be $22.00 American senor."
"You got a place I can clean up, you know. I got a flight to catch this afternoon."
"Yeah, one dollar for the water, another dollar for disposal."
"Disposal of what Diego?"
"What you are wearing senor, they charge extra for bio-hazard."
"Bio-hazard? What I am wearing? Nothing wrong with it, I will clean it when I get home."
"I don't think they will let you on the plane with it senor. You should just go ahead and pay for the disposal fee."
"You just add about 20 of them pina colada car fresheners and let me worry about getting it on the plane Diego. Yeah those, 20 for a dollar there pardner."
Out back I found three poles surrounded with a piece of canvas and a water hose with a lawn sprinkler wired to a branch in the tree is was under. This was a little nicer, it was also the urinal and it hung on a hook from the handle so it could be emptied, instead of a hole punched through the bottom that let a stream out that landed between your shoes, if you were savvy to this and knew to stand with a wide stance. One of those things you just naturally pick up on little forays down to Tijuana. I looked around, I saw melting into the grass one of those complimentary hotel guest soaps, shower size too, hair gets washed today. Can't remember what a hot shower feels like, I hope this hose stretched a long way before the cold water reaches me. Bought back memories of childhood to me, dad would stretch the garden hose out in the sun and then fill it with water and then let the sun heat it up, we had what we referred to as the 50 foot hot shower. Cutting corners you get used to losing the little things, you can get just as clean in cold water as you can in hot, plus most colors do not run or do they shrink in cold water. Today was different, I didn't have time to do the laundry too, it would be just me today, something I haven't felt in a long time, being able to pee in the shower. That's a trick I learned from my dad during our communal shower times, saved on flushes, water was all going to the same place. He used to tease us a lot, look boys, hot water. It only took me two or three, maybe it was four times when I finally learned this was a grownup version of the toilet game dad taught us as a Christmas gift one drunk festive night, it was called, 'Crapper Zapper'. Friends used to tease me a lot about that, 'Hey guys, wanna go over Stone's place and leave him a few targets in the head? His birthday is coming up.' and then give me the big 'L' as they ran down the street chasing me throwing rocks and having their dogs run me up some tree so it would be easier to hit me, they always seemed to be moving target challenged, but I can attest now, they had the stationary ones nailed. Sad I can't squeeze in a little laundry, I feel as if I am wasting. Well the speedos' lines would have just shown through the jeans anyway, so I guess I can go ahead and take them off. I would call Yadnus from the airport.
Man it felt better to get some clean threads on again. At least I blend in now and I don't look like some elf that flunked out of elf school. Okay, ticket is confirmed, flights still a go and I do not see Raffie. I need a drink, a little eye opener so to say, something that says, you still have me. Liqueur, that one who never says no to a party, that one you can depend on when no one will answer their phone or open their door, when they peek out their curtains to see when you walk away, that paint over their peep hole so I can't see in or those ones with the little notes and signs on the doors, 'Leave Stone, no one home.', those little things that let you know that possibly you are not quiet as appreciated as you thought you were, but what the heck, I had a crowd of friends, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, his uncle Hiram Walker, Old Crow, Old Grand Dad, yeah, misty times friends, those friends always ready to listen, those friends that do not run away when things get a little thick or when they get a phone call from their wife, 'You better not be with that Stone character again. You know rent is due.' Yeah friends that unless you push them away will always be there to brace you up, give you that courage buried deep in you, that makes a mountain more manageable and a man just another obstacle on my way to the urinal.
"Yadnus, its me, Stone."
"Stone who?"
"Oh man, its me Stone, Yadnus, Stone Head."
"Maybe we should get you one of the sticky lapel stickers with your name on it, it will save on a lot of confusion, yours."
"Listen, I am at the airport in Tijuana, that Raffie character I brushed on last time, well he is taking a flight to San Fransisco same time I am. Little strange, don't you think?"
"Yeah Stone, you're right it is strange he would be going to San Fransisco during the holiday season, I think maybe you got a conspiracy going there with every passenger on the plane, if I were you I would keep a close eye on all of them."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, I think this Raffie character is an associate of this Ruffie that Miss Dew talks about."
"Uh you think so Stone? Just a little bit?"
"I think they are into some kind of Polaroid film scam and trying to get Mr. Big in on it for backing."
"Why do I bother watching the Comedy Channel, when all I have to do is wait on you to call? Okay, I'll bite, what tells you that there is a Polaroid scam going on?"
"This Raffie perp said he had a Polaroid invitation."
"Stone are you really missing the obvious here or are you just playing a roll you can't seem to get out of? You know Stone, if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck and poops on the sidewalk like a duck, chances are it isn't a dog."
Now even I know she is trying to say something, just not quite clear as to what it may be.
"Yeah, that's what I told myself, so you think these two guys are associates too?"
"No, what I think is that you can't seem to put one and one together and come out with the same number twice in a row."
I knew it was three, I just didn't feel the need to put her in her place. You know how women can get if they think you don't agree with them.
"So you got any leads on this Ruffie character Yadnus?"
"Strangely enough I do. Seems he left New York in a hurry, headed for Mexico, Tijuana to be exact."
"I don't have time to go and look for him, if you would have given me this information the last time we talked, then maybe I would have had time, but now I have to catch a flight Babe."
"Babe? You hear me oink when I answered the phone Stone? Open your ears, your eyes, open something down there besides your fly moron. You don't think this Ruffie and Raffie guy is a little strange? You only hear of Ruffie leaving New York, but Raffie lands?"
"They could have exchanged tickets during flight."
"Yes Stone and your mom didn't have to repeatedly drop you on your head as a baby, but she did. Can't you see that these two guys are the same person?"
"So you think they are twins? Why didn't I see that?"
"Stone you ever get lonely?"
Here it is, the 'do you ever get lonely' line, that 'its time we did it' line. I love questions with hidden meanings. I knew she couldn't hold out, I don't care how professional they are, they always sink to my level.
"Well yeah I do get lonely, but right now you up there and I am down here. We can always grab some air time on the flight back home, if you know what I mean."
"I'm glad to see that you're used it."
"Loneliness is part of the game Yadnus, part of the game. Yeah, the game."
"Just don't miss that flight while you are chiseling that statue and keep an eye out for the Polaroid gang."
"I'm starting to think you know something about this Yadnus. Polaroid contact you?"
Seems I had stumbled in on something that I didn't know quite what it was, but one thing I can tell you about it, it smelled of fish, well maybe not exactly like fish, more like crap, then again crap is a bit heavy, maybe something between stinking like fish and crap, something that mingles the two, brings them together to create their own unique aroma. Yeah that's it, now I know the smell, it's the crapper door on a commercial tuna fishing boat, that perfect balanced blend of each and each bringing its bouquet to its fullest aroma, 'eau de toilet le tuna boat crapper door', I just created another sense trigger mechanism, now every time I smell that smell, I will be reminded of this case and seeing how my office is located between a fish processing factory and a a waste water treatment plant, I guess I will be reminded of this case often. One good thing about my office location, if you had a bad lunch, hey whose to know if it was you are not? I really need to get some methane sensors.
"Just make sure you're on the plane to San Fransisco and whatever you do, if you find a clue, stumble, trip, slip and fall on a clue, do nothing with it until you get to San Fransisco. I do not care if Raffie is sitting in your lap begging you to take him to the police, wait, don't do a thing, just get that wasted, I don't have a clue, lights on, but nobody's home look, you know, your normal look. We'll meet you at the airport. You got that?"
"Yeah, yeah I got it, carry on, low profile, reconnoiter the situation and come up with a game plan. During which time I will be all over Raffie like flies on a Mexican bar towel, I will be all over him. You got nothing to worry about this way Yadnus, it is under control, for the most part, well for part of it anyway, okay, it has a toe hold. Oh crap these are just the narrative thought fillers. Crap did I say it out loud again?"
"Yeah you said it out loud there Stone. I would ask you to focus but I am afraid there might be a little senorita there in a tight skirt selling her melons and then I would lose you again, so just don't forget to catch the plane."
Oh yeah, that's why I am at the airport, catch a plane. Hey there's Raffie having a drink at the bar. One of those fruity pineapple drinks, wonder why he's here. Think he is going to meet with this Ruffie punk before he catches his plane for San Fransisco? I still don't get the connection, spelled completely different, come from two different breweries, totally opposite of where they are located on the Hudson, so what if they both from New York, both fill beer barrels, both have Polaroid film, which I might remind you is no crime in itself to possess film, it is perfectly legit to walk around with Polaroid film in your pocket, they kind of look same, well according to vague descriptions by the victim, I still hadn't seen the small hair scar about a centimeter long next to right eye she said he had and so what if they both knew Mr. Big and both had business with him. Doesn't mean they are the same person, maybe twins.
"Hey you that hombre at Juan's earlier today?"
He startled me, I must have wandered off for a moment. I didn't see him get off his bar stool and walk completely across the bar to my table, well maybe I subconsciously noticed it, well I probably noticed but but blocked it out. Its these kinds of things that interrupt my train of thought. I looked up at him.
"Yeah, I'm that hombre."
"I didn't notice you at first, I mean you're not exactly dressed the same. Santa fire you and ask for the uniform back?"
Mr. Tough-guy. Yeah I've dealt with hundreds like him before, well maybe not hundreds, but a couple of dozen at least, yeah, okay, seven, it was seven of them I dealt with before, at least I am a fast healer. A little neosporin and some Mighty Mouse band aids and I am good to go, well maybe not exactly good to go, but I am mobile, that is unless the prescription says no driving or operating heavy machinery due to drowsiness. Heck, I drive when I sleep and I am still alive. So maybe then I will have to use a taxi or bum rides from friends. Well if Yadnus isn't doing anything, then maybe I would probably most likely see if she would drive me.
"No, I got it right here in this bag."
"Please senor, put the bag down, I just finished a very large meal."
"You don't like pineapples Sancho?"
"Not at the moment senor and it is Raffie, not Sancho as you seemed to have called me.
"Raffie, Sancho, Diego, Ruffie, is there really a big deal in a name? I mean it is nice to get pinned with a really cool one like mine, Stone. I mean with my name you can just about do anything, professional landscaping, sounds cool, doesn't it? 'Stone's Landscaping', yeah cool. I could be a mason and do rock work, 'Stone Head Mason', I mean some cool stuff when you think about it, yeah, I could even farm pot and have a cool name, "Stone's Medicinal Marijuana Farm', I mean that is just totally cool."
Note to self, copy-write the medicinal herb farm thing, could be worth millions. I sure hope Yadnus doesn't forget the gray jacket and white shirt. Jeans looking cool in my reflection, glad I decided not to wear the speedos, good to go commando every now and then, let the boys out to roam you could say. Yeah, looks cool, just like my name. Stone, Stone Cold. Hm, could prove profitable to change my last name, would look good on a business card.
"Hey hombre, I am talking to you, you still in the conversation?"
There it is, something else distracting me and derailing my train of thought again.
"Yeah, I'm still in the conversation Sancho."
"You know you think you're going to get to me by calling me Sancho, but I have you figured out hombre, yes, think about that, I have you figured out. You think I am going to get all insulted, get angry and lose my cool and then you do something even more stupid but for some idiotic reason it goes right and you look like you knew all along. I can be just as stupid as you senor, trust me, I am good at this."
"I don't doubt you for a moment Sancho, but that is a hard goal to undertake, not too many more stupid than me out there. They say I am gifted."
"Yeah, gifted like a Christmas fruit cake."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means if I were choosing sides for a soccer game and all the choice I had was between you and a box of rocks, I would choose the box senor."
"Yeah, as if you can talk, look at the shirt you're wearing, oh yeah, real taste there. Naked ladies on flower pedals."
"I see you purchased the red one senor."
"They look better with jeans."
This one is sly. He peddled around the block before and possibly on his on without the training wheels. Yeah he cut those tied to momma apron strings early, my mom finally changed the locks when I turned 32. On my own for the first time in life, no where to go except for some two bit bug infested flop house or there was uncle Ray, I just had to get by the thought of him wearing that pale blue cocktail dress with the low cut back, now if he would just wax his back it would probably look real nice on him, but for now he looks like he wearing a fur wrap under the dress. Yeah uncle Ray always had boobs, he said it was because he drank so much milk as a kid, cheerios taste much better with koolaid. I remember when he had to stay with us when I was a kid, he would walk around without his shirt a lot when it was hot and I think it kind of was cool with dad or something, I mean I think he liked it, I heard him say to mom once she ought to ask him how he keeps them so perky.
"Hey, your plane still on radar? You eat something bad or something?"
"Just thinking Sancho, just thinking."
"Man I thought you may have bought some tamales off a street vendor, hey senor you ever notice no stray animals near street vendors and that they all sell fuzzy key chains?"
"No, I am wondering why you are still wearing that chest hair dickie."
I realize now that maybe reaching over and grabbing a hand full of that chest hair dickie and jerking may not have been the smartest plan to come up with, but I thought I had all the evidence I needed. The only chest hair dickie sold in a week and this guy is sporting it. Apparently he wasn't wearing a woven chest hair dickie, the flying fist should have told me that, fortunately I learned early in life how to duck, you could say I have made it an art form. As his hand smashed against the 4x4 or a 10.16x10.16, for those on the metric system, post, I side stepped to the left and let my right slide right behind it.
"What's your freaking problem gringo? You like pulling men's chest hairs or does it go a little deeper than that? Cause I am not cut from that man, just because I had to spend two years in prison, hey man you got to do what you got to do to survive, and Tomas was good to me."
"Just thought you were the New Yorker that purchased a woven chest hair dickie from the Mercado last week."
"Why would I need to buy a woven chest hair dickie gringo? This is all me man."
"Yeah, whatever, could have glued it on or something."
"Why would I glue it on?"
"Complete the disguise Sancho."
"The disguise senor? Would it not be more sensible to disguise the face?"
"Now listen Sancho I don't know what you are into and I am not really going to take it there, for all I know you walk your chihuahua wearing a pink tutu. Heck for all I know you could have a matching outfit."
"One little fleeting little fetish and no one will let you live it down, I just wanted to see what it was like. Okay? How did you know about the ballerina outfit? Anyway, uh, I don't have it anymore, I gave it to my niece. Yeah that's what I did with it, I gave it to my niece."
"So you have to do anything special with it when you wash it? I mean that is a lot of hair."
"I have a barber that keeps it in shape, then just normal shampooing and conditioning.
"Yeah that's about all this little Polynesian number I used to date did with hers."
"You dated a girl with the chest hairs senor?"
"Hereditary, came from her mom's side of the family."
"You sure she just hadn't completed her hormone therapy yet?"
"Hey you never saw her, man she was beautiful, the way she could pull in those nets loaded with fish, wrestle and bring down the strongest man on that little island where she stole my heart."
'Yeah I am sure she was a real dream senor."
Yeah I know what you are thinking, how is this line of conversation going to get me any information. I am lulling him into a false sense of security, I will make him feel comfortable and then throw him completely off guard with a question about the case.
"So Sancho, you been in the Polaroid film business very long?"
"I don't know what you mean senor, I work for a brewery, not the photo mart."
"Word is that you got Polaroid invitations to Mr. Big's big Christmas party and you plan on showing them to him."
"Yeah and I plan to expose, I mean show myself to Margaret Thatcher, but her security always so tight."
"Come on Raffie, what is this Polaroid film scam you got going? You have a guy on the inside sending you shipments, you know rerouting a few boxes your way?"
"You know senor if I were you I would see if that diploma you found in that box Cracker Jacks is real."
"Don't you worry about that diploma, I graduated Cracker Jack cum Laud, placed highest score in the class, next to this guy from Pakistan and another from Libya, so what there was only three in the class. At least I went most of the time."
"Sounds very prestigious."
"So Raffie, what's the deal with this Mr. Big? You got a partner in on this, like maybe someone named Ruffie?"
"I don't know any Ruffie."
"Struck a nerve there, didn't I?"
"I am fixing to strike a nerve senor. I think you need to find something else to talk about."
"Getting a little close to home there Sancho?"
Yeah this guy knows something he isn't talking about. I can feel it, I would like to feel that monkey he got on his chest right now, darn I miss that girl. A few more questions and I might have what I have been wanting, a break in this Polaroid scam I seem to have uncovered. Yeah, poke, prod and parry, just like the Musketeers used to do it. Play with him, I mean that in the mental sense, a little cat and mouse and this guy will be spilling his guts like an exploding can of pork and beans. Yeah I should have known to open the can first, hey trial and error and I have only done it maybe, twice, okay three times, four at the most, but the point is, next time I place a can of them on the stove, I will have the can open. Stop shaking your head, I will have the can open next time. Maybe, if I don't forget. A lot of things go through this head, important stuff sometimes too. Well stuff anyway.
"So Ruffie, how did you get invited to this shindig?"
"It is Raffie senor, I don't trip that easily."
"How did an invitation just happen to land in your hands?"
"I opened an envelope one day and it was there."
"A Polaroid invitation?"
"Maybe his pen ran out of ink."
"Or maybe, and I am just throwing this out there, Ruffie sent them to you."
"Senor you seem to have a lot of questions without answers."
"Not really Sancho, just one important question, that's all."
"And what is that important question senor? Maybe I can help you with it."
"Maybe you can at that."
Now he is curious, he is nibbling at the bait. I'll let him play with it a while before I set the hook and start reeling him in.
Part 1 of 2 of the final installment
(Yeah I thought I could finish it.)
Man I felt better now, stopped at the Mercado and found a pair of stiletto leg jeans, like a second skin, accentuates the assets you could say and a pair of ostrich quill tangerine colored zapatos, lace up. A pair of brown and white banlon sheer socks, one of those skinny brown belts with the silver tip and four different colors of the same shirt that Ruffie character wore. Flowers with naked ladies posing in the pedals. Black, red, blue and yellow, I grabbed the red one. As I was paying for it I noticed by the register they had dickies woven from chest hair.
"You sell many of these pardner?"
"You mean those chest hair dickies senor?"
"Yeah those things that say "Dickies, woven from the chest hair of convicts to further their rehabilitation.", yeah those."
"We sold one a couple seeks ago to some guy from New York. I think he is still around."
"Would his name be Raffie?"
"No, but his money did all his talking for him. He had some."
"Did he act like he was cold, I mean as if it was cooler here than where he had arrived from?"
"How much snow you see around here mister?"
He had a point, no snow here.
"So where do you think he came from then where they could have had snow?"
"I would think maybe mister where he said, New York."
"So then why did he have to come down here to cool off if it is snowing in New York? I mean a nice long walk and you could be as cool as you wanted."
There seemed to be a flaw in Raffie's story now, seems he didn't have to come to Tijuana to cool off, he could have done that in New York if he had wanted. No, there are other reasons that didn't have anything to do with climate differences here.
"Senor, there is a 15% exchange fee if you going to use American dollars."
"Yeah, whatever. Just another little scam to get more money out of me."
"Yes senor, we still have to pay the local drug lord around here so those addicts where you come from can have their fix."
"Hey pardner, you don't see that crap being shipped down here. You got your directions a little mixed up. You the one feeding the serpent Diego."
"The name is Pedro senor, not Diego."
"So you and that Juan character that owns that bar down the street kin? Same names."
"How is Pedro and Juan the same name?"
"I called him Pedro there Diego."
"You going to keep rubbing the dickie senor or would you like to buy it?"
"Sorry, was just thinking about a little Polynesian number I used to date."
"That will be $22.00 American senor."
"You got a place I can clean up, you know. I got a flight to catch this afternoon."
"Yeah, one dollar for the water, another dollar for disposal."
"Disposal of what Diego?"
"What you are wearing senor, they charge extra for bio-hazard."
"Bio-hazard? What I am wearing? Nothing wrong with it, I will clean it when I get home."
"I don't think they will let you on the plane with it senor. You should just go ahead and pay for the disposal fee."
"You just add about 20 of them pina colada car fresheners and let me worry about getting it on the plane Diego. Yeah those, 20 for a dollar there pardner."
Out back I found three poles surrounded with a piece of canvas and a water hose with a lawn sprinkler wired to a branch in the tree is was under. This was a little nicer, it was also the urinal and it hung on a hook from the handle so it could be emptied, instead of a hole punched through the bottom that let a stream out that landed between your shoes, if you were savvy to this and knew to stand with a wide stance. One of those things you just naturally pick up on little forays down to Tijuana. I looked around, I saw melting into the grass one of those complimentary hotel guest soaps, shower size too, hair gets washed today. Can't remember what a hot shower feels like, I hope this hose stretched a long way before the cold water reaches me. Bought back memories of childhood to me, dad would stretch the garden hose out in the sun and then fill it with water and then let the sun heat it up, we had what we referred to as the 50 foot hot shower. Cutting corners you get used to losing the little things, you can get just as clean in cold water as you can in hot, plus most colors do not run or do they shrink in cold water. Today was different, I didn't have time to do the laundry too, it would be just me today, something I haven't felt in a long time, being able to pee in the shower. That's a trick I learned from my dad during our communal shower times, saved on flushes, water was all going to the same place. He used to tease us a lot, look boys, hot water. It only took me two or three, maybe it was four times when I finally learned this was a grownup version of the toilet game dad taught us as a Christmas gift one drunk festive night, it was called, 'Crapper Zapper'. Friends used to tease me a lot about that, 'Hey guys, wanna go over Stone's place and leave him a few targets in the head? His birthday is coming up.' and then give me the big 'L' as they ran down the street chasing me throwing rocks and having their dogs run me up some tree so it would be easier to hit me, they always seemed to be moving target challenged, but I can attest now, they had the stationary ones nailed. Sad I can't squeeze in a little laundry, I feel as if I am wasting. Well the speedos' lines would have just shown through the jeans anyway, so I guess I can go ahead and take them off. I would call Yadnus from the airport.
Man it felt better to get some clean threads on again. At least I blend in now and I don't look like some elf that flunked out of elf school. Okay, ticket is confirmed, flights still a go and I do not see Raffie. I need a drink, a little eye opener so to say, something that says, you still have me. Liqueur, that one who never says no to a party, that one you can depend on when no one will answer their phone or open their door, when they peek out their curtains to see when you walk away, that paint over their peep hole so I can't see in or those ones with the little notes and signs on the doors, 'Leave Stone, no one home.', those little things that let you know that possibly you are not quiet as appreciated as you thought you were, but what the heck, I had a crowd of friends, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, his uncle Hiram Walker, Old Crow, Old Grand Dad, yeah, misty times friends, those friends always ready to listen, those friends that do not run away when things get a little thick or when they get a phone call from their wife, 'You better not be with that Stone character again. You know rent is due.' Yeah friends that unless you push them away will always be there to brace you up, give you that courage buried deep in you, that makes a mountain more manageable and a man just another obstacle on my way to the urinal.
"Yadnus, its me, Stone."
"Stone who?"
"Oh man, its me Stone, Yadnus, Stone Head."
"Maybe we should get you one of the sticky lapel stickers with your name on it, it will save on a lot of confusion, yours."
"Listen, I am at the airport in Tijuana, that Raffie character I brushed on last time, well he is taking a flight to San Fransisco same time I am. Little strange, don't you think?"
"Yeah Stone, you're right it is strange he would be going to San Fransisco during the holiday season, I think maybe you got a conspiracy going there with every passenger on the plane, if I were you I would keep a close eye on all of them."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, I think this Raffie character is an associate of this Ruffie that Miss Dew talks about."
"Uh you think so Stone? Just a little bit?"
"I think they are into some kind of Polaroid film scam and trying to get Mr. Big in on it for backing."
"Why do I bother watching the Comedy Channel, when all I have to do is wait on you to call? Okay, I'll bite, what tells you that there is a Polaroid scam going on?"
"This Raffie perp said he had a Polaroid invitation."
"Stone are you really missing the obvious here or are you just playing a roll you can't seem to get out of? You know Stone, if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck and poops on the sidewalk like a duck, chances are it isn't a dog."
Now even I know she is trying to say something, just not quite clear as to what it may be.
"Yeah, that's what I told myself, so you think these two guys are associates too?"
"No, what I think is that you can't seem to put one and one together and come out with the same number twice in a row."
I knew it was three, I just didn't feel the need to put her in her place. You know how women can get if they think you don't agree with them.
"So you got any leads on this Ruffie character Yadnus?"
"Strangely enough I do. Seems he left New York in a hurry, headed for Mexico, Tijuana to be exact."
"I don't have time to go and look for him, if you would have given me this information the last time we talked, then maybe I would have had time, but now I have to catch a flight Babe."
"Babe? You hear me oink when I answered the phone Stone? Open your ears, your eyes, open something down there besides your fly moron. You don't think this Ruffie and Raffie guy is a little strange? You only hear of Ruffie leaving New York, but Raffie lands?"
"They could have exchanged tickets during flight."
"Yes Stone and your mom didn't have to repeatedly drop you on your head as a baby, but she did. Can't you see that these two guys are the same person?"
"So you think they are twins? Why didn't I see that?"
"Stone you ever get lonely?"
Here it is, the 'do you ever get lonely' line, that 'its time we did it' line. I love questions with hidden meanings. I knew she couldn't hold out, I don't care how professional they are, they always sink to my level.
"Well yeah I do get lonely, but right now you up there and I am down here. We can always grab some air time on the flight back home, if you know what I mean."
"I'm glad to see that you're used it."
"Loneliness is part of the game Yadnus, part of the game. Yeah, the game."
"Just don't miss that flight while you are chiseling that statue and keep an eye out for the Polaroid gang."
"I'm starting to think you know something about this Yadnus. Polaroid contact you?"
Seems I had stumbled in on something that I didn't know quite what it was, but one thing I can tell you about it, it smelled of fish, well maybe not exactly like fish, more like crap, then again crap is a bit heavy, maybe something between stinking like fish and crap, something that mingles the two, brings them together to create their own unique aroma. Yeah that's it, now I know the smell, it's the crapper door on a commercial tuna fishing boat, that perfect balanced blend of each and each bringing its bouquet to its fullest aroma, 'eau de toilet le tuna boat crapper door', I just created another sense trigger mechanism, now every time I smell that smell, I will be reminded of this case and seeing how my office is located between a fish processing factory and a a waste water treatment plant, I guess I will be reminded of this case often. One good thing about my office location, if you had a bad lunch, hey whose to know if it was you are not? I really need to get some methane sensors.
"Just make sure you're on the plane to San Fransisco and whatever you do, if you find a clue, stumble, trip, slip and fall on a clue, do nothing with it until you get to San Fransisco. I do not care if Raffie is sitting in your lap begging you to take him to the police, wait, don't do a thing, just get that wasted, I don't have a clue, lights on, but nobody's home look, you know, your normal look. We'll meet you at the airport. You got that?"
"Yeah, yeah I got it, carry on, low profile, reconnoiter the situation and come up with a game plan. During which time I will be all over Raffie like flies on a Mexican bar towel, I will be all over him. You got nothing to worry about this way Yadnus, it is under control, for the most part, well for part of it anyway, okay, it has a toe hold. Oh crap these are just the narrative thought fillers. Crap did I say it out loud again?"
"Yeah you said it out loud there Stone. I would ask you to focus but I am afraid there might be a little senorita there in a tight skirt selling her melons and then I would lose you again, so just don't forget to catch the plane."
Oh yeah, that's why I am at the airport, catch a plane. Hey there's Raffie having a drink at the bar. One of those fruity pineapple drinks, wonder why he's here. Think he is going to meet with this Ruffie punk before he catches his plane for San Fransisco? I still don't get the connection, spelled completely different, come from two different breweries, totally opposite of where they are located on the Hudson, so what if they both from New York, both fill beer barrels, both have Polaroid film, which I might remind you is no crime in itself to possess film, it is perfectly legit to walk around with Polaroid film in your pocket, they kind of look same, well according to vague descriptions by the victim, I still hadn't seen the small hair scar about a centimeter long next to right eye she said he had and so what if they both knew Mr. Big and both had business with him. Doesn't mean they are the same person, maybe twins.
"Hey you that hombre at Juan's earlier today?"
He startled me, I must have wandered off for a moment. I didn't see him get off his bar stool and walk completely across the bar to my table, well maybe I subconsciously noticed it, well I probably noticed but but blocked it out. Its these kinds of things that interrupt my train of thought. I looked up at him.
"Yeah, I'm that hombre."
"I didn't notice you at first, I mean you're not exactly dressed the same. Santa fire you and ask for the uniform back?"
Mr. Tough-guy. Yeah I've dealt with hundreds like him before, well maybe not hundreds, but a couple of dozen at least, yeah, okay, seven, it was seven of them I dealt with before, at least I am a fast healer. A little neosporin and some Mighty Mouse band aids and I am good to go, well maybe not exactly good to go, but I am mobile, that is unless the prescription says no driving or operating heavy machinery due to drowsiness. Heck, I drive when I sleep and I am still alive. So maybe then I will have to use a taxi or bum rides from friends. Well if Yadnus isn't doing anything, then maybe I would probably most likely see if she would drive me.
"No, I got it right here in this bag."
"Please senor, put the bag down, I just finished a very large meal."
"You don't like pineapples Sancho?"
"Not at the moment senor and it is Raffie, not Sancho as you seemed to have called me.
"Raffie, Sancho, Diego, Ruffie, is there really a big deal in a name? I mean it is nice to get pinned with a really cool one like mine, Stone. I mean with my name you can just about do anything, professional landscaping, sounds cool, doesn't it? 'Stone's Landscaping', yeah cool. I could be a mason and do rock work, 'Stone Head Mason', I mean some cool stuff when you think about it, yeah, I could even farm pot and have a cool name, "Stone's Medicinal Marijuana Farm', I mean that is just totally cool."
Note to self, copy-write the medicinal herb farm thing, could be worth millions. I sure hope Yadnus doesn't forget the gray jacket and white shirt. Jeans looking cool in my reflection, glad I decided not to wear the speedos, good to go commando every now and then, let the boys out to roam you could say. Yeah, looks cool, just like my name. Stone, Stone Cold. Hm, could prove profitable to change my last name, would look good on a business card.
"Hey hombre, I am talking to you, you still in the conversation?"
There it is, something else distracting me and derailing my train of thought again.
"Yeah, I'm still in the conversation Sancho."
"You know you think you're going to get to me by calling me Sancho, but I have you figured out hombre, yes, think about that, I have you figured out. You think I am going to get all insulted, get angry and lose my cool and then you do something even more stupid but for some idiotic reason it goes right and you look like you knew all along. I can be just as stupid as you senor, trust me, I am good at this."
"I don't doubt you for a moment Sancho, but that is a hard goal to undertake, not too many more stupid than me out there. They say I am gifted."
"Yeah, gifted like a Christmas fruit cake."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means if I were choosing sides for a soccer game and all the choice I had was between you and a box of rocks, I would choose the box senor."
"Yeah, as if you can talk, look at the shirt you're wearing, oh yeah, real taste there. Naked ladies on flower pedals."
"I see you purchased the red one senor."
"They look better with jeans."
This one is sly. He peddled around the block before and possibly on his on without the training wheels. Yeah he cut those tied to momma apron strings early, my mom finally changed the locks when I turned 32. On my own for the first time in life, no where to go except for some two bit bug infested flop house or there was uncle Ray, I just had to get by the thought of him wearing that pale blue cocktail dress with the low cut back, now if he would just wax his back it would probably look real nice on him, but for now he looks like he wearing a fur wrap under the dress. Yeah uncle Ray always had boobs, he said it was because he drank so much milk as a kid, cheerios taste much better with koolaid. I remember when he had to stay with us when I was a kid, he would walk around without his shirt a lot when it was hot and I think it kind of was cool with dad or something, I mean I think he liked it, I heard him say to mom once she ought to ask him how he keeps them so perky.
"Hey, your plane still on radar? You eat something bad or something?"
"Just thinking Sancho, just thinking."
"Man I thought you may have bought some tamales off a street vendor, hey senor you ever notice no stray animals near street vendors and that they all sell fuzzy key chains?"
"No, I am wondering why you are still wearing that chest hair dickie."
I realize now that maybe reaching over and grabbing a hand full of that chest hair dickie and jerking may not have been the smartest plan to come up with, but I thought I had all the evidence I needed. The only chest hair dickie sold in a week and this guy is sporting it. Apparently he wasn't wearing a woven chest hair dickie, the flying fist should have told me that, fortunately I learned early in life how to duck, you could say I have made it an art form. As his hand smashed against the 4x4 or a 10.16x10.16, for those on the metric system, post, I side stepped to the left and let my right slide right behind it.
"What's your freaking problem gringo? You like pulling men's chest hairs or does it go a little deeper than that? Cause I am not cut from that man, just because I had to spend two years in prison, hey man you got to do what you got to do to survive, and Tomas was good to me."
"Just thought you were the New Yorker that purchased a woven chest hair dickie from the Mercado last week."
"Why would I need to buy a woven chest hair dickie gringo? This is all me man."
"Yeah, whatever, could have glued it on or something."
"Why would I glue it on?"
"Complete the disguise Sancho."
"The disguise senor? Would it not be more sensible to disguise the face?"
"Now listen Sancho I don't know what you are into and I am not really going to take it there, for all I know you walk your chihuahua wearing a pink tutu. Heck for all I know you could have a matching outfit."
"One little fleeting little fetish and no one will let you live it down, I just wanted to see what it was like. Okay? How did you know about the ballerina outfit? Anyway, uh, I don't have it anymore, I gave it to my niece. Yeah that's what I did with it, I gave it to my niece."
"So you have to do anything special with it when you wash it? I mean that is a lot of hair."
"I have a barber that keeps it in shape, then just normal shampooing and conditioning.
"Yeah that's about all this little Polynesian number I used to date did with hers."
"You dated a girl with the chest hairs senor?"
"Hereditary, came from her mom's side of the family."
"You sure she just hadn't completed her hormone therapy yet?"
"Hey you never saw her, man she was beautiful, the way she could pull in those nets loaded with fish, wrestle and bring down the strongest man on that little island where she stole my heart."
'Yeah I am sure she was a real dream senor."
Yeah I know what you are thinking, how is this line of conversation going to get me any information. I am lulling him into a false sense of security, I will make him feel comfortable and then throw him completely off guard with a question about the case.
"So Sancho, you been in the Polaroid film business very long?"
"I don't know what you mean senor, I work for a brewery, not the photo mart."
"Word is that you got Polaroid invitations to Mr. Big's big Christmas party and you plan on showing them to him."
"Yeah and I plan to expose, I mean show myself to Margaret Thatcher, but her security always so tight."
"Come on Raffie, what is this Polaroid film scam you got going? You have a guy on the inside sending you shipments, you know rerouting a few boxes your way?"
"You know senor if I were you I would see if that diploma you found in that box Cracker Jacks is real."
"Don't you worry about that diploma, I graduated Cracker Jack cum Laud, placed highest score in the class, next to this guy from Pakistan and another from Libya, so what there was only three in the class. At least I went most of the time."
"Sounds very prestigious."
"So Raffie, what's the deal with this Mr. Big? You got a partner in on this, like maybe someone named Ruffie?"
"I don't know any Ruffie."
"Struck a nerve there, didn't I?"
"I am fixing to strike a nerve senor. I think you need to find something else to talk about."
"Getting a little close to home there Sancho?"
Yeah this guy knows something he isn't talking about. I can feel it, I would like to feel that monkey he got on his chest right now, darn I miss that girl. A few more questions and I might have what I have been wanting, a break in this Polaroid scam I seem to have uncovered. Yeah, poke, prod and parry, just like the Musketeers used to do it. Play with him, I mean that in the mental sense, a little cat and mouse and this guy will be spilling his guts like an exploding can of pork and beans. Yeah I should have known to open the can first, hey trial and error and I have only done it maybe, twice, okay three times, four at the most, but the point is, next time I place a can of them on the stove, I will have the can open. Stop shaking your head, I will have the can open next time. Maybe, if I don't forget. A lot of things go through this head, important stuff sometimes too. Well stuff anyway.
"So Ruffie, how did you get invited to this shindig?"
"It is Raffie senor, I don't trip that easily."
"How did an invitation just happen to land in your hands?"
"I opened an envelope one day and it was there."
"A Polaroid invitation?"
"Maybe his pen ran out of ink."
"Or maybe, and I am just throwing this out there, Ruffie sent them to you."
"Senor you seem to have a lot of questions without answers."
"Not really Sancho, just one important question, that's all."
"And what is that important question senor? Maybe I can help you with it."
"Maybe you can at that."
Now he is curious, he is nibbling at the bait. I'll let him play with it a while before I set the hook and start reeling him in.
Next: Flight to San Fransisco Part 2 of 2 (maybe)
Yeah, whatever, I thought I would have finished it in a single installment.
Yeah, whatever, I thought I would have finished it in a single installment.
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